Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Dear T,

You said you're fine with me expressing anger, so long as I am not a physical threat to you. Really, really? You feel hurt when patients shout that you don't care. But you say you can handle it and understand it. You were fine when I kicked the dustbin ages ago too. And you've been firm when I hurt myself in session.

But T, I'm still afraid. One of my fears is that I will indeed be violent towards another person, T.

At 0450 is it too early to text to confirm our session for tomorrow? Probably :-(

T-

I am stuck on the phrase that you said when we are at church we are equals. As a response to our conversation about me sitting with your wife at church. I am glad to know you weren't surprised to see me sitting with her. But come on some level doesn't it bother you a little that you go to church and encounter a client? How come you are having an easier time with this than me?

Aren't you equals outside of church too?

Dear Dr. S,
Thank you for today. I feel it was steps in the right direction. I'm still not sure you will be as open to things as I want, I appreciate your desire to understand. And your comment around my observations of progress.
love,
me

PLEASE SORRY
Please don't hate me
I know I'm dumb

hi T,

After 9 days I'm still wondering... Why the hell would you call me "stable"?
I'd call myself suicidal, close to a psychotic break and extremly unstable... So. Uhm. I guess I'm holding it together better than I think?


And... I didn't feel relieved after breaking up with my Ex. I've felt so extremly guilty (and still do). I could have done more for him. I should have been there for him. I won't tell you that because you're gonna take it as a reason to talk about him. I don't wanna talk about my Ex. I guess I still love him... I don't want you to destroy that

Good point.. yes we are always equals, perhaps a better word could be used there. Because I get what he is saying. The relationship when we are in his office is way different than it is when we are at church. I just a not sure what to call it. Hmmmm... very good point that I am going to be thinking about. Maybe I give him more "power" than he deserves..

well it got pretty bad last night. like serious contemplation of ending my life

thank god for seroquels and their sedation effects. they save my life

the voices tell me youre going to so it makes me super upset and paranoid about you.

maybe its good i wont see u for 11 days. when yu come back maybe ill be employed, more stable and no hallucinations, happier. maybe skinnier? but u wouldnt like that . OH WELL

see you later T

Dear MC,
I wrote you an e-mail last night (not very long by my standards), but didn't send it. Progress? I mean, I still might send it at some point, but at least I'm controlling my need to communicate with you after spending most of the session talking about transference/attachment. And I only got weepy for a minute or two! Perhaps there is hope for me after all...
Love,
LT

Please stay safe, JD...

I am looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

I try my best

Dear T,
I give up. I'm not able to deal with this stress. I can't function like normal people do. I can't crawl out of hole while it piles in around me . How am I ever going to change my life, my job? I don't have any real skills. I don't have the personality. I don't have the time or the drive.

Evey example in my life has someone else who hleped them get ahead. They had a partner. They had parents to help them. They had family. Who is goning to help me? I've used all the resouces I have to no avail.

You said I have "a lot to offer." What exactly? How? To Whom? WHAT do those words mean, exactly? How does that transate into anything actionable?

I can't be a person when I'm stressed. I can't think. I can't function. Nobody wants to be around someone like that. if I lose my job I won't even have you to talk to.

I just want someone else to Help ME. I just want someoen to RESCUE ME.

Dear t,

I want to be honest with you but I feel like if I am you'll worry about me.

The title of this thread is right. T, I need to say something, need to connect, but I don't know what or how to say it.

i cant be alive anymore.

Junkdna! What's wrong?

What ISN'T WRONG

Well you just finished school and also just went to some fun vacation so those are pluses in my book. What's going on with your meds I saw you're hearing voices again.....

Dear T, I went to you for more than 8 months. Your therapy didn't help, I wanted to tell you every time I saw you. "This does not work!" But I never did. Finally I decided to stop going to you, I said I would email you for a new session but I never did. I've found a new therapist who is so much better! And with this I tell you goodbye.

I'm sorting the meds out its just taking too long

I'm sorry

Do you have any alternatives that work like listening to loud music? Do you have a self care box you can take out?

Don't let T1 win...

Keep going, jDNA!