Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Do you want me to go away

I'm so angry. I'm so angry. I'm so angry.
Tomorrow yet another session of disappointment. Yet another session where I feel too ashamed to tell you what is going on. Another session where I will feel alone and reabandoned again and again. But I can't leave. I am REALLY not okay. I hope I'll be able to say something to get this info into your head.
Because, seriously, I can't take this anymore.......

Why is my mind like this

Please help me...I really need it now

Dear CW,

I guess it's still your watch, though I doubt you're thrilled about that, just like me.

I had my Lupron shot today. Side-effects vary each time. This time it seems to be physical so far - all-over pain, body feels like a giant bruise, headache, nausea, eye pain, etc.

I hate this drug and I hate this illness. It has done a real number on my life.

ATAT

T,

Thank you for reminding me that you accept me, all of me. I need that.

Why are you torturing me? Why aren't you helping me?
I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.
I'm so alone and lost.

i'm bringing the child part collage for us to look at today

you're leaving for a week. my roommates will be gone too, which idk. im looking forward to that. but am i? Because im alone so much. its wearing on me and my mind

anyway see you in 3 hrs

Dear Dr. S,

You know, I hate you! (said with all the passion, reason, and attitude of a 13 yr old)

I don't want to talk to you. You'll make it better. I don't want it to be better. I want to be mad at you. I got hurt. You said sorry, I don't feel like you get it.

You keep talking to me as if I'm an adult, but these feelings are not one of being an adult. My adult can say the things you say, can rationalize, explain, justify... and yet the feeling still persist. The mad, the hurt, the desire to isolate and protect - and something else is there, I don't know what it is. I don't think it is disappointment.

I am also scared of the changes to come. I don't want them, not right now - I'll be lost, forgotten in the mix. I'll accommodate whatever is needed without saying a word and everyone will think I am ok inside. I'm not!! I'm not ok with this. I need help. It is going to happen and I am powerless to do anything about it. I want to walk away - that is the only power I have here.

Talk to me like I am 4-5, 12-13, help me understand these feelings at that level because both of them need help in processing and understanding what is inside. The adult just knows they are coming from those places and should not be acted upon; therefore, holds things as tightly as possible and as long as possible.

Please help,
me

I feel like I'm drowning and you should be helping but you're not. Maybe you're just putting your foot on my head.

I don't think that's very fair. But it's how I feel right now.

last session SUCKED. it's really not a good time for you to go away for several weeks. i don't feel safe without you.

I saw ur wife. She is pregnant

Hi R,

Feeling twitchy in the wake of your lack of response to my email. Panicking that I might have come off as rude. When I said 'I can't say I'm looking forward to it', I was talking about the work we have to do, rather than anything else. I think I'm learning that you are a co-pilot in this, and as such we are going to have to go to the dark, forbidding place sooner rather than later. Would help me greatly if you could just confirm that you have received and understood the implication of my message. I don't think we particularly need to talk much about what was in there. None of it is news to you, anyway. Could that be why you haven't replied?

See you tomorrow (one more sleep...I'm edgy.)

so are u gonna tell me you have a child on the way or just let me figure it out haha... like when you got engaged

i know you said youre shy about this kind of stuff but...T...just freaking tell me so i can talk about it

Dear MC,
Thanks for being so open to discussing things today, though I still feel like we only skimmed the surface. Glad you clarified the whole "balance" thing--even though I thought I'd explained that to you before, but maybe you didn't fully understand. And that you seem willing to discuss the transference in future sessions as much as needed, if H and I both agree that's what we want/need to discuss.

One odd thing though: Why did you get so weird when I asked if any other patients had noticed or complained about the no-handshakes-at-the-beginning-anymore thing? You acted like I was asking you to give you details about your patients' lives or something. I'm guessing either (a) a lot of them did notice, and you feel bad for how you handled it (you basically admitted that second part today) or (b) I'm the only one who said anything, and you didn't want to make me feel like a weirdo.

Also, your having your glasses off the whole session was an intentional choice, right? Like you were trying to appear more open or something? I seriously doubt it was just random, even though T tends to act like I'm nuts when I comment on the few times you've done that, how it just means I'm hypervigilant and has no further significance.

But yeah, I think it was a good session. Will do my best to not e-mail you--short week this time, so hopefully can make it till Monday...

Love,
LT

PS--Oh, who am I kidding, I'm sure I'll probably send you *something*.

Dear J,

I am so scared. I am so scared. I am so scared.
I am scared not because you are going away on a trip, but because I FEEL anything about it.
I spoke with the therapists who run the group therapy that I am going to and asked if I might be able to see one of them on occasions when you are out of town -- you know, as a back-up therapist. They agreed. So, I reached out to set something up for the last week in June.
Only I immediately thought "But, I would rather see J... does this mean I won't be able to see him on the 5th? Because I want to see him on the 5th. I'd rather go without the back-up therapist and see him on the 5th..."
And now I am panicked because I do not want to feel anything about you, towards you, any sort of attachment...none of it. I don't want to feel anything... and it terrifies me that I felt something. That I felt a "preference" or... I don't know.
I do not want to attach to you.
At all.
I want no attachment.
I want to feel nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing.

Dear T,

You said you've rescued four feral cats and made them indoor cats in your home. Then you tell me there are two more feral cats looking through your door wanting to be indoor cats, too.
Soon, you say.
Oh, if only I was a feral cat imploring you through your doors...
Don't you know how stories like that affect me?

Oh wow, that sentiment, plus that picture... you really got me.

Dear T,

So I called and told you it was ok if you couldn't call tonight. Mistake! I need you to call.

Dear T: Thanks for helping me try to find my anniversary ring. Though dumping out the trashcan in the women's restroom was not exactly my idea of a productive session. Also thanks for calling to ask if we found it. We didn't.

See you next Monday.

Hey, roboT. It's Wednesday night. I've normally had several long sessions of thinking about you at this point in the week. You've crossed my mind occasionally, and my heart skipped a beat once when I saw your email, and again when you offered for me to email you with questions.

But I don't have the intense longing to see you. What I feel for you right now is like any other T that I've worked with in the past. You torture me at times, but I know it's for the greater good. I'm honored to share space in your life, if only for an hour a week.

Is this what it means to work through transference? Now that I've pinpointed why I love you, is that enough to make the feeling go away?

Part of me wants to discuss this with you, but the other part of me doesn't feel like it's beneficial to my progress.

We'll see how I feel on Saturday.

Daisy

Dear MC,

Part of me wants to be like, "Hey, I didn't cry after session today!" But then, I had to go get D right after. And then came home for a bit, while H was here. And then we went out to dinner. And for a drink. And then I had to get on a work-related call right when we got home. And then we're giving D her bath soon. So...maybe I'm just delaying the tears, until I can be alone? Because it kinda feels like they might be hiding out beneath the surface, just waiting till the right moment to come pouring out...or maybe I'll be OK. Will see what happens in an hour or so.
Love,
LT

Dear Morticia,

Point one in your favor: you expressed disapproval of Smaug's actions, not of my filing a complaint against her. Total opposite of CW at our first session.

ATAT

I probably need to catch up on the couch, but YES to Morticia as a name for this one (possibly).

Also, yay for a point in her favor.

T: UGH, I am so upset about what I was worried about happening in a few months, to find out it is happening in two weeks. I guess the decision has been made for me, which in some ways is good because I am terrible at being proactive, but in other ways...I am so sad, and scared.

BUT, I did come home and paint tonight. Though I ransacked my kitchen because I KNOW I have bourbon left, but could not find it. Hmmmm.

Lucky for me, I had a beer left. Still better than coming home and drinking at 8, instead of one drink at 10, right?

Can't wait for Monday....