Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

T,

I'm going to have to contact you today even though I really don't want to. I need your help earlier than our appointment tomorrow.

I'm afraid of my flip flopping between euphoria and severe depression.



But PLEASE, don't put me in IP. Please?

S (ex T...friend...whatever you are)

Honestly, I wasn't upset or anxious that you didn't respond immediately. You told me you were leaving for Mexico on Sunday, you told me you may just unplug - there was really no other conclusion for me to come to than you left for Mexico yesterday and were likely unplugged for however long. I asked like 3 times Saturday and Sunday how long you were going for, and you won't say, but you also didn't say you wouldn't say, so I kept asking as I wasn't sure if you saw the question. I'm not going to apologize either - I was operating with the info you gave me.

And, honestly, I'm not implying you're an asshole. I'm implying that I think you either want me to leave you alone for a while or want me to leave entirely (and not because you hate me or want to hurt me but because of stuff you're going through). It's really effing hard watching someone I love so much go through this, watching you change so drastically, and at the same time being pushed away after being so close for so long. You're entitled to push and change, but I'm going to have strong feelings about it, and I'm not going to be able to pretend that I don't.

In any case, now I am the one who needs a break. I was trying to get you on the phone so that we could talk about it there and not via text. I hate text. You can’t hear my voice. You can’t hear how hard this is for me, can’t “know” that I’m crying in the moment while I ask for this, I can’t hear any sincerity or emotion from you at all through text. Text is cold. Brutal. But, if that’s my only option, then I’ll take it.

I wanted to get on the phone because I wanted to find out first about your staging and type of cancer so that I could know if you’d be OK for a while while I took a break to figure out who I am and how I’m going to function apart from you again. But, I’ve also asked about that about 5 times, and you’ve not acknowledged it, so I’m guessing you either don’t know yet or don’t want to tell me. (Again -- operating under impressions, not facts, and I know that. I’m working with the info I have.)

It terrifies me saying I need a break and NOT knowing if you’re going to be ok during it. I would ask that you respond to THIS message letting me know if we can be OK....if I can take this break from communication and come back and be your friend. Could you let me know? I would also ask just.... if something happens for you health-wise if you could please please let me know. I’d honestly also like to know if you are back in the area at all, because if you do come back here for whatever reason, I WOULD really like to see you.

I doubt this break from communication will be long. But I need it. And I hope you’ll understand and forgive me. I am just not functioning without you. Losing you from the capacity in which I had you truly feels like having lost a big part of my identity. Since I no longer have your office or “you” as the place where that small, broken child part of me could come out and find comfort and maybe even grow, I need to figure out how to handle that part of myself elsewhere. With J, Group, alone, I don’t know. But I know that I keep trying to run back to you. I am not strong enough to keep myself from running back to you right now.

I’m thinking...like a month-long break. Just so you know timeline. But, again, if you could just...respond to this, tell me if we can be OK, if I can take this break and still come back and be your friend. And if you can tell me even during this break if you come back to the area and there’s any possibility I could see you... or if anything changes with your health.... I’d really appreciate it. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Your gender therapist is horribly unethical trying to sell stuff to you.

T...email me pleaseeeeee.

Dear prevT,

I'm still not over you. I'm still not over all this stuff. It's been more than a year. I've been in therapy with this other T, appointed by you. I'm not improving. I'm the me I was when I was with you before there finally was a bit of change. I've been like that for months. Actually, I think I felt back when you left.

I don't know what to do. I just can't be helped. It's too late. I'm too messed up.

M
What I wanted to say was

**** this ****!!!
I AM SO SCARED

i really done it this time huh T

See you when I see you

I hope you'll see how much I'm truly hurting.
I hope you'll regret not texting me back last night.
Part of me just wants to miss my appointment.
Part of me just wants you to hold me and just sit with me and tell me I'm not a royal **** up and people do want me around.
I like people.
I dislike hurting them.

See you in 3 hours. Please be what I need/want today. I want to be the little boy today, I want you to talk to him.

Dear MC,
I'm so glad you're open about your own personal struggles with anxiety. It's incredibly validating and comforting to me that you really *get it*--not just from what you've learned in school, but from your own personal experiences. I think that's why the suggestions you give me are more helpful than what T gives me--because you know certain techniques/ways of thinking don't work when anxiety is at a peak. She sometimes seems puzzled by my anxiety, as do many people in my life (the biggest example being my parents of course). But you just get it. Thanks for that. (Though I do feel a bit weird being like, "Glad you have some faulty wiring, too!")
Love,
LT

Also, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad about having to cancel so much in the past, when your wife was sick. But it really did have a lasting effect on me, even though, aside from a rescheduling, I think it's been months since you've canceled. But it's still there, in the back of my mind, the night before and day of each appointment. I guess I just needed you to know that.
Love,
LT

M

3 hours and my stomach is in a knot.

Compliance has more. She wants to be heard and I want to honor her.

The Little One and the 12year old are standing with her. They want to be witnesses and give her courage and compassion.

That does make her feel better.

This is not going to be easy.

I'm tired of censoring myself....And tomorrow, then this long break... I'm attached and can't even be honest. Will continuing with you help? Maybe I should just stop?

Why can't I stay late anymore? I know you wish you could and you know I wish I could so what harm does it do?

deartidonothateyouandiamsorryisaididobutidohavestrongfeelingsandhateistheflipsideoflove

Dear FM and Standby,

I am settled in my new digs and the rooster grows at the proper hour, unlike the city rooster that made himself known at 2 and 3 in the morning. Unfortunately, the dogs have their chorus going at hat time. But remember what you said FM early on in my therapy, "your a survivor WD. " And, that I am. Thank you for helping me name my tools and to sharpen them to get the jobs done. Dull tools were dangerous for me and I kept doing a lot of damage to myself, but no more. I am ready to get back to work and fun tomorrow.

I'm trying real hard here T. I worked a 9 hour shift sober. It sucked and I want to die. I'm confused and very hurt by you. I feel so terrible about it all. Maybe you're relieved I am gone. I'm sorry I am so sorry... I'm sorry it's ended this way. Please forgive me... Please dont hate. I'm sorry

I feel ya, I feel the same way with my T now. She is really great, and I have a feeling that she'll respond with the email I sent about how she should get rid of me and hate me, with positive-ness....but its hard being yourself, especially if you hate yourself.
How'd it go?
Hey J-DNA. I know your response from your T was less than "good," but he didn't quit on you, remember. You can always call him up and ask for another session., I am SO worried about you! It feels like something has been going on with him that has been affecting you the past few months, but you also have been relapsing and having trouble with your paranoia, so I am afraid everything is getting jumbled up

If I am wrong, please feel free to tell me. I just am concerned for you, and if you need to go IP, please do

hey t. i wish i could know what is going to happen. i realize we might decide together that the trust between us has been irretrievably broken. i will need to be prepared for that. part of me cannot fathom it. part of me wants to believe that we can repair this. but part of me is afraid we can't, knows it's over. i don't know which part is right. maybe i should just stop thinking/worrying about it and when wednesday evening gets here and I'm pulling in your driveway just take a deep breath and go in and speak from my heart and at least i will still have all of the progress i made with you, and i will know that at least we tried to mend things. i love you, you know. i'm so sorry that i said i hate you.

I had a strange dream about you.
We had a session in a very small room with a double-deck bed in it.
We were sitting on it and talking.
I mentioned this forum and told he should look through it.

When you touched my hand i felt like i couldn't breathe
What does it mean? I love you, but i'm not in love with you.

And then you turned into Gregory House lol. And Lisa Cuddy was listening.

Light bulb moment FM,

I figured out why the gravity to old ways. I am a bit anxious about starting the third leg of my journey. It's time to get serious, because i ned it for the last leg of this journey to come to fruition. I have always hated preparation, and like to go blindly into things, so if it fails I had know expectation of self or others. No, that's not true. I sat out of life for those reasons, but, I'll get serious and dive in. I can't fear the end, because this becomes a launch pad for what you and others have said is the next phase. My couch is calling me home, but I have to attend to big girl stuff first. I think I will send twin emails to you and standby therapist once again. Wish me luck.

It was hard at first. Compliance wanted so badly to share what was distressing her. The swirling negative one had to be understood. After peace was made there it was better.

Compliance shared what had not been said before. It was a lot. It was painful. The tears were behind my eyes.

I don't think my counselor really understood what I was trying to say. It's ok. I was having a really hard time saying it.

The Little One and the 12yo are with compliance now. We will hang with each other and see what comes.

It's going to be ok.

We believe that.

Thank you so much for asking Velcro.

T,

It hurts so much to learn from S that you're their therapist. They doesn't know we both see you. My heart hurts. They are a good person. They need you more than me, they have DID...

T, I hope you know they have DID and what you're doing. I hope you still remember the books I quoted on you about DID (when I feared G would see you). S is a good person. They are so much more worthy than me. They deserve so much, T. T, my heart hurts. I'm trying my best not to be possessive and selfish but I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart every time. Will your neutrality shift to dislike if I tell you? Oh I am vile, I know. So unworthy of your care, compassion. You have no idea how painful it was to learn that you would have taken G on if he hadn't given up on the hospital and was instead transferred to you. You've no idea how my selfish evil heart hurts.

They even see you the same day I do. We could actually run into each other in the waiting room despite being on different weeks due to your longstanding scheduling issues with your large caseload.

T,

I'm sad now... I feel like you tricked me into saying something I didn't mean to tell you.

You said that you assume that I'm talking about my experiences. That I must have had a lot of them. Of course I was. You said that it's okay. You also said that the situation has changed and that I'm not dependent on anyone anymore. That it's okay to be angry at people by now because I'm not dependent anymore, that most people'd react in another way. In a good way. I wish you knew how wrong you are...

I know my world view is f... up. I really do.

I do appreciate what you're doing for me though. I sensed today that you're going out of your comfort zone to help me... To help me explain my view of the world. That this was new for you too... So yeah. Thx...

I wanna curl up into a ball now and cry... Becaue you were right at the beginning too... I wouldn't sit in your office twice a week if I were always fine.

I'm not sure how I feel about this teleshow.
It's strange to hear you talking about sex.
I can see and hear you almost daily, and it's torturing
Also I understand how many people now can see and hear you, and it hurts
I know it's stupid

But I happy to see you and it makes me smile