Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Hey T. I hate my ability to shove everything away, and it all comes unraveling in session. I almost CRIED today!! EWWWW! I am sure you noticed, but after a few seconds, you made a joke, which I appreciated. That surprised me and came out of nowhere.

I am glad you are my T, though. Even though I have no idea what sort of "journey" i am on, or even if I want to be on it, I am glad that you are by my side in it.

T,

If bell hooks is right on love being "the will to nurture our own and another's spiritual growth" and that love and abuse cannot coexist, you love me more than my entire family of origin...

Hei T,

So... You're basically agreeing that this is my fault?

Hugs. No, your pain isn't your fault.

T,

I see you today. My grandma woke me up VERY early again. She's hallucinating and having delusions... again... so she's pacing around and yelling at non-present family members, friends etc, some of whom have died what seems like eons ago.

I just hope I can take a nap midday... I don't want to miss our appointment! I also hope her psychosis subsides for a bit to let me sleep an extra hour right now. Zzz...

I think I've gotten 4 or 5 hours of sleep? I don't want to become manic! Help me cope with this stress!

T,

You REALLY don't understand systemic, structural inequality don't you?

My prejudice as an LGBTQ person towards the conservative Christian majority in our country is NOT the same as their prejudice towards my kind.

They are prejudiced against my EXISTENCE, are against ANY rights for us...hello need I remind you AGAIN that conversion therapy is legal, that mental health clinicians like YOUR KIND regularly refer people like me to conversion therapy, that we get put in the wrong wards if trans, that gay sex is illegal, that we can be fired for being LGBTQ, that sex ed across the country can't even MENTION that we exist?!

TDM,

Where did that text come from? Did you have a moment of brain failure? Not complaining, but if you keep this up you're going to confuse me.

EM

Hi T,

You did good today. Your point is completly valid. You're right. There's nothing you could have done or said differently. Thx?

Life is what it is. And it definitly isn't one of my strenghts.

If I told you, and you reciprocated, where does that leave us? I don't think that I can just wing this. I need to know the boundaries, for want of a better word. I want to know what is possibly possible, and what is not. I want to know what you think, what you feel.

I chickened out of the conversation that you tried to initiate today. We need to have these other discussions first. Are you ready for that? You must have known what a question like that would bring up for me. If not, then you should have known. We haven't talked about us for some time now, and a lot if good work has been happening between and because of us, but now the shift back to our relationship is here, and I need you to come with me.

Random thoughts from the night S told me he was leaving:
What was best for me wasn't even a factor in the decision. It didn't matter.
He wouldn't leave his dog, but he'd leave me.
One of the most genuine reactions -- he told me he had thought we could use the months before he left for the new job as "time to try out being friends," to which I screamed at him "I don't want to be your ******* friend. **** you. I don't want to be your ******* friend." And I remember thinking in that moment that weeks before, he had been telling me how he couldn't wait for us to just be friends... how I'd expressed I wasn't ready for that... and how we had agreed that I would definitely NOT stop therapy with him this year. Period. And I had let myself trust that. I let myself calm down and believe that I had this year.

But also...I was so angry that he had been telling me he couldn't wait for us to just be friends, and I had said "no, not yet," and how we'd agreed he wouldn't bring that up again, and then here he was bringing it up NOW in this moment.... like, at the very least, he could've suggested that, if I wanted, I could remain his client and do Skype sessions... you know, at least hinting at remembering what I had said I wanted and needed from him...instead of jumping to the thing HE wanted...the thing I had expressly said I did NOT want yet.

Why can I not get a clear picture of whether or not S has done anything wrong here...? I can't determine if he is treating me poorly or what... and any time someone suggests that he is, I immediately feel horrible guilt like they only see that because I've portrayed things incorrectly. And also fear, because I don't want to let him go... but at the same time, I FEEL INSANE. I feel like I am crazy... I feel like S is the rational one, and I am crazy...

What is wrong with me?! I can't figure out what is happening. I can't determine if I'm being treated poorly or not. I can't figure out if this is someone I should keep in my life or not. I feel like, from the outside looking in, it's probably a pretty clear picture... but then I feel like from the outside looking in, you can't SEE everything... and S would say that too... first, he has said verbatim he doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him/our relationship. He has cancer, so he doesn't care at all what anyone else thinks. He hasn't said it, but I imagine he includes me in that lump -- he doesn't actually care what I think. After all, he has said to me -- I don't need you as my friend (actually I'm not sure if those were the exact words he used, but now I can't remember what they were -- and this is how I heard it and remembered it); he said...I have plenty of friends. Like I am just a number. Replaceable. He said I don't need to prove my friendship to anyone. So basically it's like..... I'm worthless to him, he's everything to me. And I'm stuck in this same old pattern of trying to be worth something... and he tells me... he tells me that all of this is in my head... that he DOES treat me well... that he DOES treat me like I'm worth something... but...

I feel crazy. And now I'm just making myself more upset, so I better stop.

Tuesday morning now. Today, I will see/hang out with S for the last time before he moves.

Question for myself for this morning: What am I getting out of that relationship? I don't mean what did I get in the past, I mean right now... what am I getting now? What is there to truly be afraid of losing?

The loss I'm so afraid of has already happened. I am not getting ANYTHING out of this relationship now. Literally, all it is is news about his cancer and texting memes back and forth. That's it. Everything I'm so terrified and grieved about losing is already gone and has been for months.

Yet, I'm still feeling the fear. I'm still feeling the urge to cling for dear life. But, to what?
I haven't sat with S in months. He hasn't comforted me in months. He is not a support for me. Period. That has been gone for months. The support I'm terrified of losing is already gone. It's been gone. I just can't seem to accept that it is gone. How can I fully grieve a loss that I won't accept has happened? I can't. How do I get my emotional brain to accept that the loss has happened, that there is nothing to fight to keep anymore? How do I move fully into grief so that I can move through it?

Dear MC,
You know how recently I said I didn't cry from an e-mail response from you, so that shows progress? Well, I'm totally crying at your one from this morning--not just a little teary-eyed, but actual crying. But maybe it's because you said I'm going in the right direction, in terms of dealing with the transference and stuff. And maybe you agreeing with the whole rewriting the schema thing. And that you thought I did good work the last two sessions--I seem to have become particularly responsive to praise from you (I don't recall getting that much from my dad, so that's probably related...).
Love you (and miss you, even though I just saw you yesterday),
LT

Just wanted to say you seem to be asking yourself the right questions...Have you not actually seen him in 5 months, or have you just not sat with him as your T? Maybe seeing him today will help give you some sort of answers/closure. It will probably take time to move on to grief, then acceptance.

Dear T,
I'm sure you noticed that after you encouraged me to continue writing in your last email I have done the opposite,as usual.It makes me wonder if you purposely did that,knowing me well enough to know that I would do the opposite.

But maybe my thinking is wrong and I still need help with that,and need to work on why I feel compelled to not do things I'm asked and encouraged,it feels like an automatic reflex to do the opposite.

Sorry.

What did you mean today when you said, about the teenage one, "that one is tricky". Intrigued. I know it is tricky, but interested on your take on it.

It's actually only been 3 months since he (S) gave me the news that he would be moving.

He has not been my T for about 2.5 months, but I have still seen him. The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago.

He was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago.

I have been seeing new T (J) for just over 2 months.

So, yeah, S is moving this weekend, and then I have no idea when/if I'll see him again... he still has family in the area, and he claims that he will still be in this area multiple times per year and that we can hang out when he is here, but... idk.

Who am I kidding. There is no way I can show you what I am writing. There is no way I can be that brave. There is Jo way I can lay myself open to the hurt that may come.

If I reach out my hand, would you take it - physically take it or only metaphorically take it? I don't know the answer, so I don't reach, can't reach, can't ask.

TMC - I relate very strongly to some of what you've said. It is so bloody confusing and painful to try to hold all those conflicting thoughts and feelings at once. I often feel like I've gone crazy too.

I apologise if I'm out of line for saying this, but it almost seemed like you were asking, so...

S did this to you. He is absolutely in the wrong. You have been treated terribly. I know I'm looking in from the outside, and I know I can't see everything, but I can see enough. I think you know that very well too - it's just so hard to accept when you're still so full of loving feelings.

I'm horrified that he tries to tell you this is "all in your head". No wonder you're feeling guilty and crazy. It is not in your head. It is not and he absolutely knows it is not. He has not behaved with your welfare in mind at all. He is a selfish man.

I'm sorry. I just felt so sad to read that post.

T,

37 day break? And you did not even provision for me to talk to some other therapist or email you in case I need it.

I feel abandoned. Really hurt. I don't think you care enough. I want to leave you. I do not want to be so attached to someone who does not care about me. I think my obsession/attachment needs are either unhealthy or that they cannot be met by you.

Either ways, I want you to feel the pain that I feel. And the only way to do that is to leave you. Even though it is only going to bring a lot of pain to me and very little pain to you.

You are absolutely my type, T. It's a real shame that I'm so attracted to stubborn, know-it-all men. Perhaps we can discuss that next session.

Dear T,

I have just realised (how stupid am I) that if you say that there can be no future, then this must end. I will lose you. What, then, is the point of all of this? What is the end game? What is the plan. Why lull me into this relationship when it will only hurt me in the long run.

Sensible head says that I take all that I can, while I can, and satisfy those needs and learn to find what I need elsewhere, be that from me or from others. Sensible head says that I knew this was the case. Sensible head says that it will be OK, that there is a point, that it won't always feel this tragic.

But other head says "noooooo, I love you, I need you. I don't want anybody else. Don't leave me. Don't make me go. How will I ever do this without you. Why go through all of this pain and difficulty learning to open up only to be left with nothing. No one else will ever care enough to be patient and understanding enough. No one else will ever understand. It's not fair. It is stupid. I am stupid for not realising. I am stupid for allowing myself into this trap"

Sent you a very brave email, and a painful one. Please reply...but probably it's too late...
I'm afraid...

T,
I'm going to focus on the positive. You've already told me that you'll be coming back from vacation. We have appointments scheduled in August. You won't be abandoning me. That'll feel nice I think. We'll see.

Dear T,
Thanks for scheduling so many sessions ahead with me, so I'll only have to miss one week due to your vacation, even with the holiday in there. It really means a lot to me and makes me feel like a priority. So, thanks... And I appreciated the shoulder pat/rub as I was leaving today (thought about going for hug, but knew we were over time from the scheduling stuff).
Love you,
LT