In Session Today : Part III

I think you need to keep looking as far as Ts .....that is definitely inappropriate. The only way I could think this would be appropriate is if you were seeking therapy specifically for a sexual phobia or issue, and even then, still probably not appropriate

Haha yeah right

Yes, straight male therapist. 3 sessions in, now.

I told him I like feminine women (as am I). He said he didn't understand the couples who came in for therapy and one was more butch while the other was femme. He said he kinda thinks "Why don't they just go for guys?"
Then he asked if I had watched Atomic Blonde. I asked him if that was the movie with Charlize Theron. He said yes and that it had a scene I might be interested in. That the two characters are both femme but "kick-***." He then said, "Yeah and there's a real hot lesbian scene in there. Well, I thought it was pretty hot." I replied that I had heard of something like that appearing in the movie. Then I wondered if he should be telling me this.

I just left the last T who told me some boundary crossing stuff. Then he said that.

Ohmygod. No. No no no no no FFS no

The question "why don't they just go for guys?" Demonstrates such a total and abject ignorance of LGBT issues tbat it boggles my mind. He doesn't sound like he understands lesbian issues even remotely. I like soft butch women for a complex number of reasons, among them attraction to people confident enough to flaunt gender norms, a love of the interplay between a particularoutward display contrasted with inner femininity, etc.
What I am definitely NOT attracted to is men. I like a butch appearance with female characteristics/body parts ( softer skin, different hair, different shape, even the bone structure of men and women are different). Being butch and being masculine are not equivalent and the fact that he does not know that suggests that he us not equipped to counsel really anyone. But definitely not a gay woman.

Ditto to all this. I would be offended if a person on the street had such weird, ignorant views about lesbian relationships, much less a therapist! Also I can't imagine hearing my T say she thought something was hot. Yikes!

Run like Forrest did from this guy. Reading that gave me the heebie jeebies.

Wow, yeah, that's really inappropriate. I'd find a new T, sorry...

We started talking about work briefly. I said I was exhausted because of how much time I spent at work last week. Then I explained the population of students I work with, giving him a brief history lesson of how special education has evolved since he stopped teaching (30+ years ago). I said that work stress is there, but not important, not taking up a lot of my mental capacity.

Then I said I had a dream I wanted to share, and he looked annoyed. "As long as we're not using it as a distraction." I said no, it isn't. So I told him about the dream where Dr. Green texted me. And that I felt so stupid for feeling the way that I do, because none of it is actually him.

He said that he was honored that I was willing to be so open with him about the transference, because he hypothesizes that many clients have similar feelings, but they don't express them. I said that I knew it was important because the dynamic between T and I mimics the dynamics in a lot of my other relationships.

I told him I reflected on the barriers between me and the relationships and I said I feel like my primary block is fear. When I let people in, that's when I'm open to be hurt.

I told him about how despondent I was last weekend, and how awful I felt about the way I treated H. T was like, visibly moved by what H said. He said, "wow, Daisy, that sounds like a beautiful moment. How did you feel afterwards?"

I said guilty. H is begging me to let him in, and I just can't do it.

But then I kind of mused that none of this really matters. I don't think it'll ever get better. The wounds there I don't think can be healed. All I really want is a healthy parental relationship, and I can't have it. I'm trying to fill a void with the wrong things, the wrong relationships.

I talked about how H feels like he doesn't give me what I need. Mainly because I don't know what I need. I feel bad for H, because my emotions are difficult, volatile. T said that didn't sound right. He said that when I get in my dark states, it's because something happened to make me feel rejected or abandoned. He's right.

T said he had a question that would probably sound stupid and obvious. He asked me what I would need in those moments to feel comforted. He was right, the answer felt obvious. A hug or some other physical affection. To be told that I'm loved or important.

T was going to say something else but I cut him off. I continued that even though I want those things, I can't accept them. I physically shirk comfort. He agreed, said that he's seen it multiple times. I could only remember the one where he was trying to rub my arms. He said that the day he went out to my car that he touched my shoulder. He said that he was going to rub my shoulder, but when he touched me, I pulled away from him a good 6-8 inches. Enough that it was visible.

We discussed the paradox that is my longing, fear, and shame around being comforted. That perhaps I need to be able to comfort myself so that I can accept it from others.

He said that he was doing something in therapy that he doesn't like to do: arguing the other side. I was confused, and he said that typically he'd use the Evil Chair for this kind of stuff. I said f*** the chair. He said he knew I hated it, but that it seems to be effective for me. Perhaps next time. The session was over.

I let him walk me out today.

Yep...NO NO NO. Ugh.

Yeesh. Trigger warning next time please.

Yikes. Sorry i killed the thread.

Perhaps a description of a gosling session will revive it?

Yeah, things have been quiet on the gosling front lately.

And the thread title doesn't say it has to be a therapy session...

I can report on my session, although it's not as interesting as una's chiro. It's about my dog, so apologies to cat people of pc. He's always been very attuned to me and aware of dissociation when it happens, responding differently depending on what's happening. My therapist has often noted his reactions and takes them as cues. This past session, he sat right in front of her and listened intently to what she was telling me. After noticing this, she said she must be on the right track, and we both laughed about how aware he is.

It might sound a little out there, but two days later, I was out in public with him and he strained on his leash to get to someone whose back was to us. He was whimpering and working up to bark. He is not a barker, so this was alarming. I got up to get him and saw that the person he was focused on was slumped over. She was having a small seizure, not noticeable from behind. I have a family member who has grand mal seizures, and this was not anything like that, so I'm not sure. She was not responsive at all. He kept barking and she started to fall out of her chair so I held her up while someone called for help.

Anyway, it just makes me even more intrigued by his participation in my therapy. He must be able to sense changes in consciousness or energy or something else. I am so pleased that he alerted to someone in trouble. If he hadn't done that, no one would have noticed as no one else was around.

:
He sounds amazing Ruh Roh

(((Ruh roh))) so... your dog is giving you feedback on how your t is doing. So cool! But thats a different thread.

Seriously, he deserves a lifesaving medal for helping the seizure stranger

Wow, ruh roh. I'm definitely a cat person, but your dog sounds amazing. Thanks for sharing!

Another cat person here who loves ruh roh's dog nonetheless...

I'm a cat person too but love your dog, ruh roh.

I'm a dog person, but I do like cats (my dog doesn't!)

Wow, that T is effing ignorant and fetishising / objectifying on SO MANY LEVELS.

People like butch women because they're butch women, NOT because they want a man FFS. BayBrony's and others' posts are good.

And WTF about him telling you he found the sex scene hot.

Sorry, I'd so walk out from that T. Wow, worse than the T who pressured me to "prove" I'm bisexual.

I see my T soon. I so hope the session will be productive. Last time I saw T we had a rupture and a part of me "quit" therapy. I don't feel what that part of me felt at all and I hope that part isn't there again today.
I have probably only three sessions left with t before she leaves. I've been having flashbacks for the last few days and feel deeply sad. I have been crying most of today. I have never cried in therapy so I wonder how that will play out. I hope it won't be defended against by the part that doesn't want to go to therapy anymore.

i was such a GD waste of space in session today. my T finally brought up that i spend most of my time hiding behind a pillow. she brought it up with humor, as is her way...but i don't know, thats just how it goes with me. She asked if I hide behind pillows or my hands when talking to other people, and I was like "Nope..sorry, its just you!"

I am so so angry at myself. I don't know how to ever get over the extreme self-hatred, and I don't think my T knows either. As she brought up me seeing a shaman. I was like "Have you met me?!"

Sigh.

MC today. Started with usual small talk. Then some stuff about our daughter and how she doesn't listen to me/respect my authority as well as H's. MC said that kids can often sense if a parent is less secure in their role or are more likely to waver in a decision (like, "OK, we don't have to go to Target if you don't want"). That it didn't mean I was doing anything wrong (because of course that's where my mind went, and he knew that). And talked about ways that I could try to show more authority with her.

Then I said how H and I had talked some one night last week (which I'd already mentioned to MC in an e-mail). H said how I'd had us both take the Love Languages quiz, and our results were basically the opposite of each other. Talked a little about that. Like how H's top one was "quality time."

I wanted H to clarify more what he meant in the previous conversation about spending more time together on the weekend (we already tend to go out to dinner, with or without D, two nights). Apparently he wants us to do things like run errands together as a family. He sees other families together at Costco, where he goes with D on Saturdays, and he wanted us to be there together sometimes. I said he knew what the downside to that was, and H was like, "Yeah, you'll buy out half of Costco." MC gave me a smile. And then proceeded to share how in grad school, he and his roommate would pile stuff from a similar warehouse store in the middle of the room and put a sheet over it to make a coffee table, as they were poor and lacking space (in NYC).

(During this part, MC got one call on his cell that he had to look at, followed by two texts. He said he had to do his usual thing, make sure not an emergency, but call and texts were from different people. That is one thing that consistently bothers me about him, because T has her phone off and in her purse during session. The rare time it goes off, she apologizes, turns it off, and doesn't look at it. But he's already explained why he has to check--I guess I felt more understanding before because of his wife. I mean, I know his kids could need him, too, but if he has to look at the numbers, that suggests it's other clients. So he's taking his focus from us to look at his phone. Sorry, rant over.)

So, then I asked if we could talk about the other thing I'd mentioned in the e-mail that he'd said we could work on, communicating emotion. MC said yes. H mentioned how he's tried to talk to me before in what we call "MC voice," but it didn't work. I said I wasn't even aware he'd tried that. MC said to stop right there, because of the fact that we were calling it that. How it can't be imitating someone else, because then it won't seem sincere. It has to be a more personal approach.

So we talked some about what it meant to express emotion in your voice. I did a terrible job trying to explain what I was looking for from H, and MC said that it's difficult to use words to describe emotions. I said how it seemed easier for me to tell H to pay attention to what MC does with his voice and body language, because it's so effective on me. But that I also felt bad comparing them. At the same time, I thought it was easier to show an example that H has seen than to try to explain.

It was around here that MC said he's not good at communicating emotion outside of his job. Which, I think is probably total BS, but whatever. I mean, I'm sure he can't be that way all the time because it would be exhausting (and probably annoying to his family), but at least some of the time. He said it was particularly an issue with his kids.

At this point, and at one point earlier in the session, I started randomly crying. Like no clear trigger. Just...stuff built up, I guess. And I think there may have been an element of, if MC can't do this in real life, then what hope is there for me to get it from H?

I tried again to explain what I was looking for, how it wasn't so much what H said--he'd given a couple examples--but how he said it. How sometimes it felt like the two emotions he expressed through his words were irritable/cranky and normal. And I was looking for something more caring and understanding.

MC said how people talk differently to children and asked if we noticed that we did that. I said I definitely changed my voice talking to D, but I didn't feel like H did as much. He said felt like he did talk differently to her but didn't have as much range in his voice so it didn't seem as different. MC demonstrated, in an exaggerated voice, how you might say "Good job!" to a baby who had done something, then compared that to how you'd say "Good Job" to an adult. He said of course he wasn't suggesting that we say "Good job!" in the manner you'd say it to a baby to each other. H gave some example of a situation for that, then MC gave the example of in the bedroom, if H were to say to me, again using his exaggerated talking-to-a-baby voice, "Good job! That felt good! You did great!" (or something like that) I was dying. H was like, "Oh God, don't ever do that again!"

That was near the end of the session. Somewhere in there, MC said how he thought H and I were a pretty good match. And he wasn't trying to say one of us had to change completely, like I wasn't expecting H to completely change how he acts, or I shouldn't have to put aside all my needs. That it's more about meeting in the middle. And I was like, "Yes, exactly, that's what I've been trying to say all along, that we both need to make changes to meet near the middle." H agreed.

Usual handshake. H and MC were joking about stuff as we walked to the waiting area. Then MC said "Take care," and I said "you too." Then I got in the car and started crying as I pulled out of the parking lot. Was a weepy mess on the way home and for a while at home, too. E-mailed MC, of course, but won't go into that here (it ended up being a reasonable length--just a few paragraphs--once I edited).