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#451
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Doing fairly brief writeup of MC session from Monday, so that my recap of today's session with T2 will make more sense.
MC Monday: Some small talk. Then MC said to me, "You seem anxious." I said I wanted to talk more about the stuff from last week, where I'd felt judged for taking D to bar/restaurants and taprooms. We'd addressed it some over e-mail, but I hadn't felt satisfied by his answers. I told him in session that what I was really looking for was just for an apology, something like, "I'm sorry if you felt judged; that wasn't my intention." But he spouted off this whole therapist-y thing about how no one is responsible for anyone else's feelings. So he's not responsible for how I feel in response to what he says; that's on me. He shared a story (of course!) about how his partner at the practice's wife used to be office manager there. And MC got really angry at her at one point, and I think wanted an apology, and his partner was like, "Your feelings are on you, not her." To which I was like, "Didn't you find that to be invalidating?" And he agreed! But said his partner was still right. He said how it is part of his role to question things that H and I do. I said part of what bothered me was that he felt the need to ask H and I if we were taking D to kid-appropriate places. MC said that he wasn't familiar with the places we were talking about, so he had to ask. I said it was the idea that he thought we lacked the judgment to go to appropriate places...that it felt like he was questioning our parenting. Like if I mentionend we were riding in a car with D and he was like, "Did you have her in an age-appropriate booster seat? Was she buckled in?" I'm not really sure he understood what I was getting at. He said he thought we were good parents, that all parents make mistakes. But I said how "mistakes" implies he thinks we're doing something wrong...He said how all parents do things differently, how maybe it wasn't a choice he'd make, but it was OK if we did. Which still felt like JUDGMENT. I still felt angry at him as he was saying all this, and I feel like my body language reflected this, plus I wasn't smiling or laughing at little jokes he made throughout, which I normally would be. But at the same time tears were streaming out of my eyes--not tears of anger, either, I don't think. It's hard for me to be angry with him, especially in person, with all the transference and attachment stuff. I mentioned that feeling judged was especially difficult for me because of the paternal transference. He agreed. And also threw in some stuff about my mom and her judging me, how I'm not responsible for her feelings...how he wishes I could realize that I'm not responsible for the feelings of any authority figure. He did "take ownership" of the fact that he may have been defensive in the e-mail (which I'd also called him on). And I think one other thing. But no apologies, no "I may have made a mistake" or anything like that... I think there was something about the way he was talking to me, like voice, body language...I think he was trying to do the "hug across the room" thing... And he tossed in a comment about how I'm a good mother and a good person and important. From all of that, he kinda got back in, like the anger subsided. He did say it was good that I hadn't e-mailed him since the exchange last Wed., how I'd sat with the anxiety. I said it was more because I realized the e-mails weren't getting anywhere, so thought I should wait till session. (Though I suppose, as T2 noted today, I could have requested a phone call with him, as I've done in the past, but didn't.) I was like, "It would have been better if I hadn't e-mailed you at all!" H said, "Learn to take a compliment!" And I said, "Yeah, OK, thanks..." Shifted to talking about some other stuff...I think about D? And then I was talking some about applying to the PhD programs and my anxiety about that. And how my mom seemed rather indifferent when I told her about it. How I was unsure about telling many people because then if I didn't get in, I'd have to tell them all that I didn't. He said how lots of good people get rejected from the programs, so it wouldn't reflect poorly on me if I didn't. And he said a couple supportive things that I don't remember. He didn't shake hands, because he thought he had allergies, but it could possibly be a cold so didn't want to risk it. I felt better about him and more connected at the end of the session...but that only lasted for a day or so. Now back to being kinda annoyed/upset with him. We'll see him Monday, then he's out the next week, so it works out to skip a week then (want to try spacing sessions out a bit, see how that goes). |
![]() lucozader, Out There, Polibeth, satsuma, Spangle
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#452
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T2 today:
We sat down, and he asked if I'd gotten my hair cut because it looked shorter. I said no, that it was just curlier than usual for some reason. Though I'd had a random dream last night that I'd gotten it cut and colored blonde. He said that was interesting. I said it was much better than the dream I'd had last week that was basically a horror movie and gave a brief description. He said he was sorry I'd had that one. He started by commenting that he hadn't had a chance to talk to MC yet (I'd given him permission last week to get information from MC, but not to provide it). He said he'd reached out to him, but they hadn't found time to talk. I said that was OK, and I appreciated him telling me, because I'd want to know if he'd gotten that info from him (especially because, when I asked MC what type of stuff he'd share, he mentioned potential pitfalls with me). I asked if he could let me know when he did talk to him, and he said he would. He asked what I wanted to talk about, and I said actually, some stuff from the MC session Monday. I said what he'd said about people not being responsible for other people's feelings and how it had been very "therapist-y," which was annoying. And sorry for stereotyping, it's just when a therapist seems to just use therapy language to hide behind. I explained a bit more what had gone on during session. He seemed to understand what I was feeling, reflecting some of it back to me, how I'd felt judged. He said it was probably especially difficult because it was about my parenting, and I agreed. I said that was a sort of weak spot for me. He said it is for most, if not all, parents. But probably mothers especially, because it often seems like theyr'e the ones who are expected to have all the responsibility for a kid. And also how they tend to put that burden on themselves. I agreed. He said that ideally, he'd like me to get to a place where judgment like that wouldn't affect me. Where I could take in someone's comments and evaluate them, determine if I think they're valid. I said I wanted to get to that place too. I was talking pretty fast during all this (thanks, anxiety!), and he made the comment that he was a bit concerned I was smarter than him, because my mind works so quickly, jumping from thing to thing. I said I didn't really think that it was about intelligence, but more just about how my mind works. And that I knew I was talking fast, but he said that was OK. He asked how I'd felt after the MC session--did I feel like it was resolved? I said at first, but I'd also gone to a concert that night, so it sort of pushed the feelings back. But then yesterday, I started feeling annoyed/upset with him again. He brought up the thing about parenting again. Somehow, I think from my end, the topic of D being on the autism spectrum came up. He said he wondered if part of why I reacted so strongly to judgment was that I maybe felt responsible for her condition. I said in some ways, yes, worrying that I did something wrong during pregnancy (like being vegetarian), etc. This veered into a conversation more about D, how she's doing now, how she has some sensory issues, and T2 gave some suggestions on how to deal with them. I started feeling rather awkward here, with him giving all these suggestions, because T1 had told me, when I let her know I'd be seeing T2, that he had a son on the autism spectrum. (I realized shortly afterward that she shouldn't have told me that, and MC agreed that it was a mistake.) T2 hadn't said anything to me about it, despite it coming up a couple times that D was on the spectrum. I was concerned I was doing something like looking at him pointedly when I mentioned it, like, "Hi, are you going to mention your son?" Conversation veered elsewhere, to stuff about dealing with anger, how emotionally intelligent people are good with sitting with their emotions (rather than acting impulsively on them), how women tend to be better communicators than me (he said this, not me!) Then somehow we ended back on my D. I glanced at the clock--it was 15 minutes till I'd have to leave (he generally goes to the hour, though that includes scheduling and payment). I thought for a second, then was like, "OK, I need to tell you something." For some reason, I started crying. Grabbing a tissue, I said, "There's something I know about you, that T1 told me, and I feel weird that I know it but you're not aware of it. It's that you have a kid on the spectrum, too. I know she shouldn't have told me, but she did. And you don't have to say anything about it, I'm just letting you know that I'm aware of it. Because I feel weird not saying anything." He very calmly thanked me for sharing that. He said he agreed that T1 shouldn't have shared it. I said MC thought it was a mistake, too. But T2 said he also understands why I said something. And that he's not upset about it. (I said he could yell at T1 about it if he wanted, but he said he wouldn't, since it had come up in session.) We talked some about autism in general, because I was curious as to his viewpoint on it (like causes, what treatment works, etc.). I was trying to be really careful not to ask anything personal. Though at the end, I was like, "OK, can I just ask one really small thing? How old is your son?" He said he was 10 and that his photo was sitting on his desk. I said I figured that was his picture, but didn't know if it was a current one, since MC has pics of his kids when they were pretty young on his desk (they're teens now). I said I knew we had to stop. He confirmed that the same time next week was good--apparently he's blocked out a slot for me (a nice change from having to schedule different times every week with T1). Then he said he should probably say again how nothing I'd said that week bothered him or made him not want to see me next week. I said I appreciated that, since I'd been worried about sharing the one thing. I said how what T1 had told me had been on a list of things I'd wanted to talk about with him. He was like, "How long is the list?" I said, "Kinda long, actually, though I keep adding stuff." I should have clarified that it wasn't stuff about him, just topics! I did say I was trying to avoid how it got with T1, where I'd spend most of the session recapping my week and/or the previous MC session. T2 said it can be easy to fall into that with people you know well. Went to his desk and paid. He said "Good luck out there!" Then after a pause, he held out his hand to me, and I shook it. He glanced at the table by where I'd been sitting and said, "OK, you've got your water this time." Then he said, "Have a good week!" I said, "You, too!" Walked out through waiting room and into hallway and realized I was shaking, I think because I'd been so anxious to tell him I knew what T had told me. Feeling OK about it now (and session as a whole) though. |
![]() Anonymous57382, growlycat, lucozader, Out There, Polibeth, Spangle, unaluna
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#453
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My session with new T was not great today. The first part was okay. I talked about how I finally made a tiny amount of progress with a work thing that has been stalling me for months. Then I told her I've made a decision to see the family every now and then because it is far less stressful than not seeing them.
Then someone came in the building and it triggered an internal switching roundabout that didn't ease for the remaining two thirds of the session. Every time a part came forward enough to speak another part slammed them back again. Then we said time was up and we left. We sat frozen in the car for some time because we couldn't get any one part of us present enough to drive. |
![]() captgut, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, Out There, Spangle, WarmFuzzySocks
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#454
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That should have read "how women tend to be better communicators than men (he said this, not me!)" He wasn't saying I was a bad communicator, which is what it sounded like from the typo...quite the contrary.
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![]() ElectricManatee, Spangle
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#455
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An easy session this morning.
Discussed my feelings about Group therapy and my decision to stay (my Group T contacted C, and he will be talking to her shortly) Discussed my whole "care as a finite resource" thing as well as my fears about giving C control, what exactly I am afraid of happening in my relationship with him, and how I became so isolated while seeing S - including discussion of my being on my grandmother's home hospice team And, discussed the end of therapy. Yeah, I know, heavy topic typically -- but, for whatever reason, not for me - not anymore. But, basically, I was explaining to him how, with S, I was so terrified of therapy ending. But, now, I've actually entered into this therapy with the goal of it eventually ending. We discussed what I think it will look like when therapy ends (my goals and my vision for how I anticipate the therapeutic relationship changing and easing into the 'end' of therapy -- I put it in quotes, because we both agreed that even when therapy is over, he'll still be there, and I can still come back as things pop up throughout life for as long as he's still working and all). |
![]() LonesomeTonight, lucozader, Out There, Spangle
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#456
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Yesterday's session --
I am supposed to call (usual monthly call) the family today and current T enquired how I was feeling about it. I told her (yet again) that I feel like someone's punched me in the gut. So, she (yet again) asked me why I don't just cut off contact. Not sure what happened to my brain, but I asked her then if she really truly thought I didn't owe anything to my parents / family and had no duty towards them? Or, was it just stuff she was saying as a therapist? In response, she walked up to her desk, pulled out a few pieces of paper -- notes from listening to a podcast that another client of hers (same ethnicity as me but grew up in the US) told her to listen to about how there are transactional relationships (she sorta explained it but I was largely lost by then) in my culture. She prefaced the whole thing by saying that she can't say anything because she's from a different culture and she doesn't belong to my culture etc. The session pretty much went downhill from there. |
![]() anais_anais, atisketatasket, LonesomeTonight, Out There, Spangle, unaluna, UnderRugSwept, WarmFuzzySocks
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#457
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Quote:
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![]() Anonymous45127, awkwardlyyours, LonesomeTonight, Out There
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#458
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Quote:
![]() I hadn't thought of it like that. I just got super pissed that she'd have such a moronic response in general (I can't point to one specific moronic thing because her whole take on my question made me go ![]() Seriously, just THANK YOU for that! It makes me feel so much better coz I've been kicking myself wondering if I got upset at her for no good reason (which wouldn't be new but still). |
![]() atisketatasket, LonesomeTonight, Out There
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![]() Anonymous45127, atisketatasket
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#459
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Saw T2.
He said a stupid thing about how he's aware of how soon it is since I left T1 and I've moved onto him straight away and he wonders what he 'represents' and he wonders 'what it would be like' for me to be without a therapist for a while. It felt like a horrible rejection, like he obviously doesn't want to work with me, and I told him so. He said that wasn't what he was saying, that he does want to work with me, etc etc. But it was too late, that attempted reassurance didn't work, I told him I didn't believe him. I told him I felt like he was afraid to work with me. I told him I didn't want to be there, that I wanted to be with T1. And I do... want to be with T1. So much. I told him that what I want him to 'represent' for me is a person who can help me process the recent painful loss of someone who I have complicated feelings about. And yes, I do understand that it's more complex than that, given that he is literally taking that person's place... but I do not want to go through this alone. The session got better. I talked about the confusing conflicted nature of my feelings, how being physically/romantically intimate with T1 is both my ultimate fantasy and my worst nightmare. He reflected my feelings well, he seemed to really understand. I like the way he uses language and metaphor and I like how attentive he is to what I say. He also seemed to have a good memory of some of the things I'd said last week. I appreciate that. I told him how T1 had said he wanted to hold me, and how it was the stupidest thing to say, given my feelings, but I hadn't been able to get it out of my head - it felt so good and yet so terrible. Then, later, almost at the end of the session, it was like he'd prepared some little speech - he said he wouldn't physically hold me, or say that he wanted to (to which I laughed and said 'thanks'), but that he hoped he could hold me in the therapeutic space, and offer me a place where I could feel comfortable to work through the pain of my recent loss, as well as perhaps working out what had been going on that was causing my complicated feelings. It was a bit clumsy, but it was nice. I appreciated it. And it definitely showed that he'd been... listening, paying attention. He seemed kind of nervous and awkward... I am very sensitive to that kind of thing (preoccupied attachment and all that). I have a lingering fear that he is out of his depth with me (just like T1), but... probably it's just going to take some time to get comfortable with each other. That's okay, I guess. I left feeling incredibly sad, spent some time sobbing on the bus, felt like I wanted to hurt myself and like I'm crazy and stupid and creepy and broken and everyone hates me. But I talked to some friends and drank some beer and now I'm okay. I didn't ask if he's okay with me emailing him though... really didn't want to seem any more clingy after what he'd said. ![]() Last edited by lucozader; Oct 26, 2017 at 04:59 PM. |
![]() anais_anais, Argonautomobile, ElectricManatee, LonesomeTonight, Out There, Spangle, toomanycats, unaluna, UnderRugSwept, WarmFuzzySocks
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![]() Anonymous45127, Spangle
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#460
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Thanks for sharing your session Luc
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__________________
"Trauma happens - so does healing " |
![]() LonesomeTonight, lucozader
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![]() Anonymous45127, LonesomeTonight, lucozader
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#461
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Oh, Luc. I'm sorry Lizard T was a butthead. That always seems to happen in the first part of the session. I'm glad you didn't take his ****, and that the session got better. Hang in there.
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"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of their marvels." - Francisco de Goya |
![]() lucozader
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![]() Anonymous45127, lucozader
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#462
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He asked me to sign a... how it will be in English... refusal of hospitalization?
He said he worries about me... And something about that he feels helpless. He said he wants to talk with my parents. He said he even thought of giving them a visit. Lol. I hope he never will. I didn't ask for a hug and I hate myself for that. He spread his arms a little... So I had a chance. I'm stupid. Eta: he jokingly said I'm the best his client. Haha ![]() Eta2: he asked if I want to name my "other" part... No, I don't have DID |
![]() LonesomeTonight, lucozader, Out There, UnderRugSwept, WarmFuzzySocks
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![]() Anonymous45127
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#463
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It's been several days, but it's taken me this long to really process enough to put the session into words.
We talked about grief. That there isn't a foreseeable end point to this. I shared a profoundly moving and healing image that's been coming to me, and how difficult it is to embrace and accept that healing. T called it powerful and then had the wisdom to let it be. I'm glad because in my memory, speaking that image aloud just sits there as itself without need for more words to explain or define it or water it down. We talked about strength and spiritual self and the conflict I'm feeling between my practical self and these spiritual-emotional experiences, and how the cultural background of my childhood didn't really have space for those kinds of experiences. And she called me out a little on the way I was trying to juggle and express my thoughts on the choices I need to make next. A lot of big ideas packed into a small space. I was worn out afterward. Still am.
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Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who, by accidents of time, or place, or circumstance, are brought into closer connection with you. (St. Augustine) |
![]() Anastasia~, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, Out There, UnderRugSwept
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![]() Anonymous45127, lucozader
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#464
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She asked what's been going on. I said a lot and nothing at the same time. Last week was busy, this weekend was busy, and how thankful I was that I had today off. I told her about the conversation I had with H and how I didn't feel recharged after this weekend. She said that it seemed cosmic, today. That it was good that I had the time to take care of myself. She also liked that I went out with friends on Friday.
I don't recall how but in that conversion we transitioned to what I think about. I said it's either me saying terrible things about myself or static, for lack of a better descriptor. Not that I hear things, and not that there's anything wrong with it if I did. She sang the same song that all therapists do at first. Say nice things about yourself and then eventually...something. I said she wasn't telling me anything that I didn't already know. I've tried, just... "It feels like you're lying to yourself?" I chuckled and nodded. "I get that. Especially when the tape plays as loud as yours does, anything can trigger the hate. What you need to recognize is that this tape has been playing your entire life. To change the tape is probably going to take a long time. Just give yourself time and be patient with yourself." Then she asked me if I've always felt the way that I do. I said no, that there are fleeing moments of happiness. A few days or weeks at a time where things will be good, but they're short lived. She said that made sense given my history. I had taken a very long break from therapy, and so I probably wasn't doing a ton of work on myself. I said I avoided therapy for so long because I'd never had a positive therapeutic experience. Even now I don't know that I have. "Even not with RoboT?" I shook my head. "Then why stay a year?" I acquiesed. Things weren't always terrible with him, but recency bias and all. She said it sounded like the journey with him was about understanding why I operate the way I do. Now that I understand myself better its time to fill up the toolbox. I said I wanted to, that I am very motivated to change, but at the same time I don't. This has been a very hard year for me. I told her about my conversation with H when I'd decided to terminate with RoboT. That I didn't want to go anymore to therapy, that I would never change. He said I was wrong. That in our relationship he's seen me climb K2. Now it's time to climb K1. "But I don't want to climb. I'm tired." "Okay, maybe we don't climb then. Maybe we just set up base camp to get you stabilized. Because would you agree with me that you aren't stable right now?" Yes, absolutely. "You mentioned ideations last week. I wanted to talk about that a little bit." I said that it was frustrating, the amount I think about it. When I started with RoboT I wasn't in that place, and now I am. It's gotten worse in the last 6 months. She asked what types of things trigger the ideations or the attempts. I said mostly it stems from relational issues. Perceptions of rejection or abandonment. "So it sounds like these thoughts are impulsive like you said. That's concerning. How am I to know if you're going to be safe?" I laughed. I don't know! I said that my answer was going to be wholly unsatisfactory, but that she would need to trust me. That deep down, I want to live. She said that was unsatisfactory and made a face. She asked me to give her an example of a time where I get triggered in a way that would make me consider suicide. I told her about one attempt a little over 10 years ago. She did that whole thing did sound invalidating. She asked if there are things that happen in my daily life that take me to a 10. I said when H gets mad at me and refuses to talk to me. She recommended a couple of DVD things that can help with that feeling when it happens. Sitting in discomfort and some acronym I'll look up later. For some reason the idea of sitting in uncomfortable feelings made me really anxious. She said that's normal, it'll be hard and I won't like it. But she said it sounds like an important thing for me to do because right now the path (trigger>feeling>urge>action) seems almost automatic. She said it makes sense given my history. That my limbic system is easily over stimulated and that what I need is for my prefrontal cortex to have a little bit of time to process. Since apparently those two parts of the brain can't work together. "Okay, but how do I get my limbic system to chill out?" "Base camp, remember? We'll get there, but we need to stabilize." And that was it. I'm booked through the end of November, so I guess that means I like her well enough. |
![]() LonesomeTonight, lucozader, toomanycats, UnderRugSwept
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![]() Amyjay, Anastasia~, Anonymous45127, atisketatasket, ElectricManatee, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, toomanycats, UnderRugSwept, WarmFuzzySocks
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#465
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I need an emoticon for "so flooded with thoughts and feelings that I don't know what to do with myself."
In today's session, well, we first touched on my food restriction, because Group T called C and told him I was still restricting. But, in any case, we spent half the session creating my "list of traumas" or... "list of the stuff I need to cover." IDK. It was upsetting, because, you know...trauma. And talking about intrusive thoughts. But, what I'm mostly hung up on right now (and have already emailed C about before posting here) is that he asked me in the end if I was sure I wanted to do this. Which, I can only seem to hear as "I don't think you should do this" and "I don't want to do this." I know it's not what he meant, but I had to email, because it hurts. Also, he made a stupid slip up and said something like "I had thought there would be more," which I called him out on and said "was it not enough?" He said he'd realized what he said would be misinterpreted right after it came out of his mouth. We laughed about it mostly. Except it is still sticking with me. Like...is that the reason he doesn't think we should/doesn't want to do this with me? But, no... I mean, logically, I know this is not what he meant...none of this is what he meant. But I need to hear that from him. And I feel stupid and small and sad and scared, and I want him to tell me he's still there and it's all going to be ok. So. You know. Also, I may have come home and had a hard cider on an empty stomach, so my emotions are flowing unfiltered. |
![]() Anastasia~, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, newday2020, NP_Complete, WarmFuzzySocks
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#466
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MC called (in response to a text I'd sent last night) tonight around 9:30. He said, "You texted and asked if we could talk for a few minutes?" I said yes and thanked him for calling, adding "Do you have a few minutes? Right, I guess you wouldn't have called if you didn't..."
He said, "Talk to me about what's going on, what you're feeling." I said, "I guess I'm still feeling weird about our...relationship (I stumbled over that word) from some of the stuff from the past couple sessions." I said how last session in particular it just felt like he didn't understand why I was upset (stuff where he'd asked if we were taking our daughter to kid-appropriate places). How he was trying to turn it back on me, with the saying that he's not responsible for my feelings (in response to something he said), I am. I said I knew that was technically true, but it was like I'd felt hurt by him but it didn't feel like he cared. He started off being very stereotypical therapist-like, by sort of reiterating that "you're responsible for your own feelings" thing he'd said last session. I said how it was partly that I'd wanted an apology...not that I expected him to say he was wrong to ask what he did. He said it wasn't wrong, so he wouldn't have apologized for that. Something about how people are going to disagree with each other and question things and that's OK. That I can't expect people to just agree with everything I say and do. I said I understood that. Then I said it was more that I wanted him to understand where I was coming from, why it bothered me, because it felt like my parenting was being judged. He said that I was generalizing, that he wasn't questioning my parenting in general. I said, "OK, that you were questioning that one particular aspect." He agreed. I said it bothered me in part because I already question other areas of my parenting...but not that area. So when he questionsedthat, it makes me feel worse about the other stuff. And I was talking to T2 about it, and he said that it was probably especially tough because parenting tends to be a very sensitive spot for people, and I agreed. Said to MC how I just wanted him to say something like, "I'm sorry if it seemed like I was judging you--it wasn't my intent." And then he actually said something similar to that back to me, but in his own words, including an apology. I was like, "thank you." I said something else that was bothering me was that it felt like he'd been acting kind of weird to me since I told him I was going to start seeing T2. He said he wasn't aware of acting differently. I said it was hard to explain, that it just felt different. That I was concerned he had issues with me seeing T2. Like because I had left T1 at his practice to go see T2. He said, no it's fine, that he was "happy" I was seeing T2. I said OK, I wasn't sure because he'd said before how he hoped I could work through things with T1. Forget what he said to that. I said (crying at this point, and off and on through 15-minute call) that I also worried that because I'd told him I was mainly switching to T2 to work on the transference for him...that I didn't know how he felt about that. MC said that transference and attachment are very common, that he doesn't want to pathologize me for that. How it's normal. And if I just needed a little more help with it, there's nothing wrong with that, nothing to be ashamed of. I said thanks, that I also thought he may have been thinking, "But I thought she was doing better with all that." I said I also wondered if maybe it bothered him that I'd given him permission to tell T2 stuff but not the other way around. He said, "No, it doesn't bother me. It makes sense to just do what you're comfortable with when you're comfortable with it." He said he assumed T2 had told me they'd had a chance to meet and talk? I said no, they hadn't when I'd seenn T2 Wed. MC said that's because they didn't meet up till Friday. I wanted to ask him what he talked about, but I resisted and just said, "OK, that makes sense." I apologized for texting and asking him to call, said I was just feeling really bad about things last night. He said I had nothing to be sorry about. I said, but with him having to cancel today today, and I didn't know the circumstances behind that--and I'm not asking--but that he might have had all this stuff going on, and here I am texting him and bothering him. How I'd tried to get through the week without e-mailing him, and figured we could just talk in session Monday. But then when he called H Saturday to cancel for Monday, it was like "OK, I can't wait longer." But that I'd tried. He said it was OK. That there was nothing wrong with reaching out. I asked about whether we were on for Thursday at 10--had he gotten H's message? He paused for a minute, then said yes, that he'd had to check his calendar. I said I'd see him then. He said OK. So I thanked him for calling. He said "sure" or something like that. I said I felt better about things now, and he said good. There was a weird little pause, like maybe he was waiting for me to end the call? I said, "OK, so see you Thursday." He said "See you then. Take care." I said "You too." |
![]() Anonymous57382, lucozader, toomanycats
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#467
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Intense session, but not in the way that I expected.
I am intensely frustrated at my inability to talk about my emotions. R and I had a much lighter session than I was anticipating. I told her that I have been doing research into the Stress Cycle and what happens when the body doesn’t get a chance to return to baseline. ‘I happen when the body doesn’t get a chance to return to baseline.’ R noted again that when I intellectualise things – ‘and it is almost like you are studying yourself’ – my body language changes and I speak more fluently. I told her about my friend’s visit last week, and she picked up on the fact that I am still trying to protect my friend, even though she really wants to know what is going on for me. From there, I said ‘I have one experience of a completed cycle or maybe more. In April 2007, when I became aware that Chris was immediately, no, imminently going to…’ ‘Can I just stop you there? You seem to have difficulty saying certain words.’ ‘When I discovered that Chris was going to die, I paced the space between the door and the bookshelf ten times. Then I sat down with a cup of tea and my hands were shaking violently, to the point where I couldn’t hold the cup…but there was movement. Now I know there is a week in April where things are a bit dicey, but the rest of the time…I am not going to say it’s OK, but…’ ‘When you talk about Chris, I always get the sense that is separate from this. That’s over there, and this is…What you describe there sounds like a healthy grieving process, whereas this got stuck.’
Possible trigger:
‘I didn’t feel good having that thought, but at the time I just wanted it to be over. I then explained to R that I want to have a deep discussion on how this has affected me. She offered that even though I say I don’t know how to face it, perhaps I already am, by talking to her and also to friends. She seemed to think there had been a shift, as we didn't talk so much about the experience itself. I'm not entirely sure. Other things were uppermost.
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'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
![]() Anastasia~, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, toomanycats, WarmFuzzySocks
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#468
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We started by talking about the intensity of the last session, and the thoughts I'd come away with afterward.
I told her that one of the issues we'd been discussing was resolving itself. And the dilemma about where some of the boundaries lie with my....I don't even know what to call him, my not-husband?...She heard and understood that bit, and when I described how I'd very carefully reached out to see if he was all right she said she'd hoped the story would end with me letting him sit with his own stuff, but she sees that isn't who I am. So we talked about how I am trying to find that boundary between caring (who I am) and caretaking (who I got twisted into). I returned to the depth of processing I've been doing lately and how it feels intense, the imagery I've been experiencing and my struggle to accept and embrace that healing image because on some fundamental level that means I have to accept the things that happened to me. That's when she suggested we try EMDR, why she thinks this is a good time and how it might help. Then we wrapped up. That was a lot too. This is exhausting.
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Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who, by accidents of time, or place, or circumstance, are brought into closer connection with you. (St. Augustine) |
![]() Anastasia~, ElectricManatee, LonesomeTonight, lucozader
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#469
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Well that was the absolute worst session ever.
![]() I was so fragmented... when he began talking about the trauma processing protocol, I got so resistant like just thought it was completely stupid. I just had this huge wall up and got really irritated. There was just no connecting after that. He said he doesn't think I'm ready. Fine. I asked him what I should work on instead. He said he didn't know. Fine. I brought up the dilema over his question about "how does the trauma intrude into your life now" and how I don't KNOW. We talked about my stupid sex life... my weight/food issues... I'm so upset right now I can't even explain this right, because it was fine...it was fine. Just. I was able to tell him that I was really upset. I asked if we were ok, we are. I asked if he still wants to work with me, he does. But I am so freaking upset right now. Then he was just like "we need to wrap up" ....which made me feel s*** too. Left. Slammed my car door, I'm furious but I don't know why nor at who. Cried in a rage. Fighting waves of SI urges. Fighting waves of ED urges. Fighting my horrendous snappy *** mood now - trying not to snap at DH or my daughter.... but I wish she wasn't here because I just need to freaking cry and not take care of anyone. I hate everything. |
![]() Amyjay, Anastasia~, Anonymous57382, ElectricManatee, InnerPeace111, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, mostlylurking, NP_Complete, WarmFuzzySocks
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![]() Anonymous45127
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#470
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Hugs, TMC....
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![]() toomanycats
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![]() toomanycats
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#471
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I've seen my T twice this week and feel just about ready to write about it here.
I've been having nightmares
Possible trigger:
And I've also been feeling like an imposter at life. Like, looking at my history and my mind and thinking "How can I lead this normal life and do all the things I need to do? Am I even capable of being a person?" And a lot of desire for self-destructive behaviour. I had an emergency appointment on Monday because I felt awful. He fit me in straight away which I appreciated a lot. I told him about a dream and he didn't comment on it. I asked him why. He said I am judging myself a lot at the moment and he's concerned that anything he might say might be heard through those filters. I said his silence was heard through those filters too. In spite of that, he accepted me even with all these awful thoughts. I told him everything that was going on. He said what age is this coming from. It was my teenage self. The bit of me I don't accept. I can't let that in. He said that part of me is demanding a voice. What happens if I allow it a voice? I said that part of me might become fixated on seducing him. Seduction is control and it is protection. If I can seduce the other, they aren't controlling me, and they can't abuse me. That's how the teenage part works. I said it will be a lot of work. He said "it's more work for you than it is for me" which I heard as "I don't give a s***". I said I don't know how to access that side of me but towards the end of the session I started to feel the teenage, rebellious and flirtatious part of me come through in the way I was speaking to him. I was feeling different and I think he saw the change in me. It felt safe enough to not deny that part of myself. It was only brief and I commented that I felt different when I allowed myself to think that way. I felt vulnerable. It was the end of the session. He was quiet. I said "what are you thinking?" He said "I'm thinking, this is going to be hard work.". I am reminded of the time he said he feels he is holding something fragile and is scared of dropping it. I think he sees my vulnerability at the moment and is afraid of harming me. |
![]() atisketatasket, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, mostlylurking, ruh roh, WarmFuzzySocks
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#472
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RS, that's fantastic that you have a therapist who can do this work with you.
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![]() Anonymous45127
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#473
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I was very resistant to going to therapy this week. Last weeks session was a disaster, I got very triggered about a third of the way in and couldn't come back from it.
So this week I didn't want to go and at first was really angry about being there. But somehow we ended up sharing a LOT of trauma stuff with new T, much more than has ever been shared with anyone before. I talked about how last week I had read an article about ACE (adverse childhood experience) and resilience scores and how it helped me realize that our childhood was pretty harrowing. Out of 14 resiliency factors we only had one which is we are independent. (There are polls in the survivors of abuse forum if you are interested in finding out your own ACE and resiliency scores). So we talked a lot about the part of us that is fiercely independent and how that part of us helped us get through childhood. We also shared a lot about our mother who not only didn't protect us but knowingly set us up to be abused. We have a lot more work to do around that yet. We have never said all of those things together in one place before. We talked pretty much non-stop which is very unusual for us. When time was up we left and we felt very light and unburdened. It was odd and a great relief to feel that way after seeing the new T. I suppose for the first time I felt positive and hopeful about doing therapy with this new T. Thinking about it afterwards I realized that although I initially hated this therapists style (she says VERY little, mostly she just listens and goes Hmmmmm a lot. Sometimes during a long silence she will ask a question but that's it.) But I realized although I have hated this style it was because of her non-interruption that we were able to keep talking without getting triggered by anything she said (as sometimes happened with previous T). So maybe we will be able to do some deep work with this therapist after all. |
![]() LonesomeTonight, lucozader, toomanycats, WarmFuzzySocks
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![]() Anonymous45127, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, mostlylurking, toomanycats
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#474
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I would call tonight's session "OK." Neither good nor bad.
Things have been really nuts at work, and I'm stuck in "mile-a-minute" mode, which came through in therapy today. I couldn't settle down. I still can't settle down (I'm still working...actually...it's 7:30PM but, whatever) So..this may come across hurried/anxious/completely manic... He explained the "method" to me better -- it's all about sharing the story with someone who understands and "gets it," and experiencing them connecting with you. He used the example of how, after nearly missing a bad car accident, a person usually contacts people who care about them and relates the story, because they are charged up with this fear and these emotions. In telling the story to another person who cares and "gets it," the theory is that they process the emotional experience and are able to move forward. But, after traumas such as mine (ours), for whatever reason (because it's unsafe to do so or because we fear it would be unsafe) we don't talk about what happened. So, I am far more comfortable with doing this method someday; we both agreed I'm not ready right now. I also told him that I've been REALLY irritable since our session last Friday... he suggested it might be because we had talked about whether I was ready for something quite scary... I immediately shot down the idea that this was what caused my irritability, but I kind of wish I hadn't shot it down, because I'm not really sure. I wound up talking basically non-stop...he couldn't get a word in edgewise. He asked how I felt when he offered me reassuring words via email, and I explained that "it hurts but feels good" sensation I get and have always gotten when someone has said something comforting. We talked about how "internet me" (including email me) is very very different from "out loud" me. Who I am here and via email is far more who I really am... He asked me if I would ever consider letting "this me" (the online one) be expressed in real life. I said no way (although never say never)... and then I went on a veeerry long ramble about how "this me" used to be the out loud me, but I lost all of my friends and explained the huge amount of work i'd done to change things so that this me isn't "out loud." But...now that I think about it...I also then told him how I had been small and vulnerable with S. Hm. So I guess maybe this me DID eventually come out in S's office. I hope C picked up on that - I didn't really realize it til right now. Ugh I am seriously still just going a mile a minute here.... But that pretty much covers it. I actually feel even more detached now than before. To the point where it isn't even really painful (well, the pain is hiding, I can feel it..I feel that stupid inner desire to connect and for reassurance and safety with him...) - but mostly, I feel like i could go the rest of this week not even thinking about him... and I feel very strongly that I shouldn't email him this week... probably something to do with his asking if I'd consider asking for reassurance out loud... because now I'm terrified he's going to take it away via email and is going to try to force email me into the room with him instead..like, you only get my reassurance if you ask in person...and he might take away email completely or he will just stop responding so much.... aaaand I'm crying. Ok fine. I have feelings, and I hate it. I don't even want to be in my own skin right now. |
![]() Anonymous57382, ElectricManatee, growlycat, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, mostlylurking, WarmFuzzySocks
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![]() Anonymous45127
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#475
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It was a complete rollercoaster of a session. He made a link between
Possible trigger:
Which was so unbelievably accurate and showed an amazing understanding of me. He was saying things that were on the edge of my awareness and incredibly empathic and understanding. It felt really powerful and I told him so. I told him some details about intimate things past and present and I felt more able to be open with him than I have in the past. I commented on how I used to not be able to talk about sex with him at all. He said "you've come a long way." Then he said "but it's important you remember you don't have to push yourself too far.". I had felt quite comfortable talking to him so it felt weird him saying that. So I said "what do you mean?" And he said "just that it's okay to keep some things private. Even in therapy." Well, that hurt. I tried to shake it off because I knew he didn't mean it how I heard it. And I said that to him. But he asked how I heard it and I said "it felt really shaming" and I started crying. This must be the third time I've cried in front of him in three years. I said I was surprised at my response and he just said it's okay (because he didn't want me to fight crying). I finished crying and I said "it's those f***ing trousers" I have a running joke (with lucozader) about T's green corduroy trousers which he wore all through a rupture I had with him earlier this year. I told him we called them the trousers of therapeutic doom. He laughed and promised not to wear them next week. He apologised for hurting me. It was the end of the session. I said I wasn't going to hug him as I have a cold "but I'll just do this instead" and touched him on the arm. We said goodbye and I left. |
![]() atisketatasket, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, mostlylurking, ruh roh
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![]() Anonymous45127, lucozader, ruh roh
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