The Couch 145 : I Stubbed My Toe On the Sofa.... COUCH!

Four. The nail-painting is a good idea...except their mother absolutely forbids cosmetics of any kind. (Kind of like our mother did.)

Do you have time to run to a Walmart? Maybe buy cheap kids bracelets ot necklaces and give each one a different color.

Color preferences in clothing? Have twin students, for a while I could only tell them apart because A preferred red and pink and B wore mostly blue and yellow

Then B went through a phase of wearing an Elsa costume every day for two years and things got easier for me.

You could accidentallydrop a marker on the top of one of their arms....

Or colored shoelaces or flip flops.

7th inning, thankfully. I've been to games in OAK and it is by far one of the worst stadiums I've ever been to - the drums are obnoxious. Plus I don't get the DH stuff that the American League does, like I get it but I think it's stupid. Anyhoodle...

Session was good today. Talked about hiding and weight and health and blah. Needling gave me a headache but it is helping so much with pain, and tightness, and even my anxiety.

I just generally feel in a much better place than I have in a long time. Like I'm ready for progress and to move forward. I won't go so far as to say I'm happy, but I'm learning and I feel okay.

Oh, we also talked about how I dress like it's winter... I do. Basically my wardrobe rotates from winter to fall back to winter, repeat. So I just ordered clothes. I sat and looked at them (from one of my favorite stores) and put in my cart whatever I really liked. That'll be here Wednesday. I'm excited but nervous. If I'm going to dress for the season, be confident, and stop hiding I might as well do it in clothes I love and colors that look good on me and just own it. Right?

Had a strange past few days. Paranoia is slipping back in. Tempted to email pdoc about it, but I have an appt Wednesday, so really it could wait till then. However, sometimes I chicken out if I know he doesn't already "know", so emailing it beforehand requires that I bring it up when he asks how things are going or what is going on.

Most of my paranoia has been while driving. Afraid people are following me and going to jump me when I get out of my car at home or work. It is especially bad when the same car has been behind me following every turn for a few miles, until I turn into work and they continue to go straight. It just makes me nervous. When we have "irate" customers at work near the end of my shift I am afraid they are waiting in their cars for me to get off and will follow me home. I hate these thoughts. I understand they are probably irrational, but they feel so real to me.

Just remembered the guy that asked me if I'm seeing anyone. Just a customer with his young son. I said no. He said why not

O.. Em.. Gee. I'm just trying to do a job and make money. It doesn't mean you can say whatever you want to me and I have to take it. Although that's what it's feeling like

My mom used to tell customers that her husband was 6 ft 4 and weighed 200 lbs to get them to back off.

My dad, who was 5 ft 4, said, "Eh, one foot more, one foot less...!"

This game is going to send me to my grave. *I can't talk about why - superstition you know* if you're watching or know ball you'll get why.

Well.
That.
Happened.

I was hoping he could have done it.

Oof. Sorry, Ellahmae.

it's okay. At least they have hopped off of the "oh, wait we're baseball players?" train... I can't believe they lost to the fathers and their creepy mascot (seriously, he weirds me out)

Now I can go to bed peacefully. *wipes brow* Well, I'll go to bed if this insomnia would leave. I have somewhere to be in the morning so I can't take my pill that will definitely make me go to sleep.

I'm such an idiot. Ever since DM and I have changed 'texting boundaries' I have had a difficult time with it. She wanted to know my day so I would text her about my day therapy or non-therapy related, we ended the non-therapy information, and just strictly therapy now. Well..... I have (clearly) had a difficult time with this so during the day I text like I would have used to and delete it. It helps, childish? Sure. Helpful? Yes. Nightly I send her a general update and she doesn't respond like 97% of the time. I write the update how I want to send it, and then delete the parts that are 'no longer allowed' and move on with my night....

Except tonight.

I sent the whole thing. She responded asking a question because I said that was stressful, but didn't explain what - because I wasn't going to send it - so she responded: "What was stressful?", because that could be therapeutically related. So I had to shamefully write back - baseball, I didn't mean to send that it was just on my brain.

So now I am trying to calm myself down and not freak out that she's going to take everything away or that she wishes I would just go away already, etc.

Damn it, I wish I could take my sedatives tonight....

****ing emotions I ****ing hate them.

I wish she would just stumble across this and understand so I don't have to explain it if it actually comes up. Chances of that happening are 0.000000000000000000001%

In the "My Mood" it needs an option for "Freaking the **** Out"

Since I have now taken up all of page 14 I'm going to go see what I can do to go to sleep I should probably somehow text her all of this, because it is present and it is therapeutic and I don't think it can wait until next week after the holiday but I won't. God, this sucks. And I just wrote a post about how I was doing well..... that ship sunk in a hurry.

I'm such a ****ing screw-up. My mother was right.

This is what I sent, was it appropriate? My mind isn't working.

(((Ella))) I think it's absolutely appropriate to send. She has to know how difficult the change is for you. She should be expecting you to discuss how hard it is. I hope you're resting now!

First rule of therapy: your mother was wrong.

That's fine.

Up ubtil tonight when my D mentioned it i was unaware that i randomly say 'yeeha!'

I agree that what you wrote is OK to send. You need to let her know how her changed boundaries are affecting you and that you're struggling. Hope you were able to get some sleep...