[Mouse_]

I don't know whats quite up with me...yesterday I was over the moon with happiness...then despair!...I went to bed at 7.30 last night because I couldn't cope with life....this morning I was so agitated and feel so alone...by myself....on the outside...I got to T and started to say how I didn't really want to be there today...how I feel EVERYONE around me has changed including her...she asked me how she had changed? Of course I couldn't answer that in real time because take a thought out of my head and it looses its power....I then said how I've spent my life wondering how people would even want me and now its like I see how much my neediness has played into other peoples hands...T said its like Ive completely flipped...I've gone from fantasing everybody is doting on to no one being there and when she said whats the real relationships?...I got so angry I didnt want to explore whats real...I dont want any thing!....I asked her if we could end early I want to go home...she said she couldn't force me to stay...I said good then I'm going home and I left and I've drove home and feel such rage!....I dont want to admit I am acting like a 2yr old throwing a tempertantrum and dont anyone give me a LOL reply because I just couldnt stand that right now...I don't know what this rage is about...maybe because I've always manipulated people to get what I want/need and I'm angry at myself for doing this but won't admit it so am blaming it on other people not being who I thought they were? ..I'm angry because I am so hot headed and so quick to anger and I am angry because I can't find a the centre of anything it hurts to much to have to find the sensible solution..its to hard I can't do it...I couldnt bear having T push me to work today...I don't feel like I want to do that internal struggle to find the REAL in anything ....oh what is wrong with me?

[bluebutterfly]

(((Mouse))) Recognizing these feelings is important. You enjoyed your good days and are now having bad days. You know that you can feel good. That's what you need to remember. I while back I walked into my T's office and said "I feel good". I commented that was the first time I ever said that to him. His response was "Good is Good". Such simple words, yet so powerful. Try to remember the good days, they will somehow start to outnumber the bad.


Peace

[Mouse_]

I'm just rambling here but I think I am afraid that people have seen how much I wanna be loved and they are rejecting me now because of that...in my head all I can see is a big fat drama of REJECTION! that I am never going to get my needs met...look their they go can't you see them?

[Mouse_]

Its like the only person that can love me is that person with me in the times when I am alone and the silence...the silence is the only thing you can trust

i think that one notion is that anger / frustration just is a response to ones needs not being met. you have had many needs... and you did everything you could to get them met. when you were a kid that meant putting on a happy or brave face and expressing extreme dependency etc etc etc. and... it really sucks that you felt like you needed to do that. and it really sucks that that need didn't get met.

and... it would be really understandable if (at times) you felt like pushing people away too. because people can indeed be frustrating. and caring about them can hurt.

hang in there...

this too shall pass...

[Mouse_]

I'm angry that I've expressed extreme dependency! YES! that is true!

[Mouse_]

I'm going to contemplate my navel for a few hours and see what I can see! Thank you all for being here! I love this place

[Soidhonia]

(((MOUSE))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time. You have gone through so much progress in the last few months sometimes you just need to stop and catch up with the progress. You are probably on progressive overload at this time, it happens when you are learning to cope with the past and future at the same time. Just try to take things one day at a time MOUSE, I think that it is good you stood up for yourself and left early from therapy yesterday, you needed some time to yourself to try to sort things out that you have just realized within yourself. Take care Mouse. Soidhonia.

[(JD)]

(((mouse))) I'm so sorry to hear of your upset. I agree, you have been making progress. I am sorry you felt you had to leave session early, that's usually not a good thing.

Once you realize (and you will) that T is on YOUR "side" and you can share anything with her, and not include her in the problem, you will never regret it. I've been where you are, though. When I was first learning to BEGIN to deal with my physical pain and the ongoing (everlasting) attorney issues I left T's office alot. What I didn't realize then is that he fully understood where I was, it was me who didn't. He was trying to lead me to calmer waters and I was resisting. It's a good thing now, to know I go there to get away from the garbage of the world (including PC,) to talk with someone who has only my best interest at heart, and has nothing to do with making me feel bad.



Be gentle with yourself.

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
and I am angry because I can't find a the centre of anything it hurts to much to have to find the sensible solution..its to hard I can't do it...I couldnt bear having T push me to work today...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It makes a lot of sense to me; I always get angriest when I'm hurting the most or when there's the most at stake and I feel helpless, frustrated, and confused.

[ECHOES]

((( Mouse_)))

What do you think started it last evening? Even a little thing.. last weekend I crashed after visiting a relative in the hospital; when the nurse came in I was suddenly and profoundly struck by my feelings of wanting to be taken care of. It happened in a flash and I though it passed but it didn't, it lingered and settled in to the core and laid me up for several days.

You were feeling very good...Is there anything about feeling good that makes you feel afraid or uncertain?

Can you relax your mind around what's going on, kind of 'invite' or 'welcome' the stubborn hiding thoughts to come out so you can explore them?

I hope you feel better soon.

Mouse I did that too once in therapy. I felt this overwhelming urge to NOT be there-- the session had only gone on for 20 minutes, and I told the T., "I really feel I don't want to be here". To which he replied, "Well, I can't make you stay, if you want to leave you can go"......
This was a difficult place for me to be in, as I very rarely acted on my feelings-- hold them in, is what I do. So, I did it-- I left! couldn't believe I was doing that! it felt like an accomplishment and yet at the same time-- oddly enough-- I felt rejected... was so confused....

It is scary for me to feel I may "need" someone-- as that somehow feels like they then have the power... like it's their move now.... feels vulnerable.

I hope you and your T. will come to an understanding as to what it was all about and then that leads to better understanding yourself in relation to others.

mouse-

mandy

((((((Mouse))))))
I am going through something similar as you dealing with anger and dependency. Hang in there!

Nothing is wrong with you! It just takes time to sort things out. I understand what you are saying, but I don’t think that manipulation is the correct word. To me, the word manipulation makes it seem as if the behavior was pre-meditated and intentionally malicious. Neither of these describe you!

I think that dependency can come from not feeling whole, like there is a void. Who wouldn’t try to fill the emptiness? I can’t think of anyone that I know who has this feeling of emptiness that doesn’t look to others in an effort to fill the void. I truly wish that I could help you, give you an answer. Since I am in the same place that you are, I can only believe that all of us in this position will sooner or later be able to fill the emptiness and at last experience peace.

Take care!

[MissCharlotte]

Yes, the emptiness is devastating.

Mouse, allow yourself the anger. Get a ziplock bag and fill it with ice cubes. Wrap it in a towel and smash the %#@&#! out of it.

In a way, I think it's ok that you are feeling this anger. I distance myself from my anger too much and then internalize it and take it out on myself. It feels somehow like a moment of growth, but I can't put my finger on it. It's as if something is brewing or stirring inside you?

You have such a solid relationship with T, I'm sure she can take it!

Take care.

[Mouse_]

I thinking I think I just needed T to be a humanbeing yesterday and not a T. I just wanted to be held by her. If I'd known that myself yesterday, maybe I could have told her.

Its the first time that I felt I didn't need her to do something for me, I wanted to be on my own and sort it out myself, memorys of how I sorted myself out during the break were there.

I was reading a book "Oneness and seperation" last night and it describes the fall to earth and the not wanting mum to "do to" me any more but to "do with" me..

I just wanted her to sit with me and not anaylise me..I felt I wanted to do it, I may get it wrong but I wanted to help me, which is followed by, ok I tried now I need to run back and have you help me again..

I keep going in and out of "need" dont' "need" I thought I'd have all the answers when I finshed T, now it seems I will just have the strenght and ablity to handle what I don't know. I guess thats a fair trade.

ah.

instead of standing there holding up your arms to her so she notices you and picks you up...

you want to stand next to her holding out your arms to her so she notices you and helps you figure your stuff out...

from idealisation to mirroring / twinning transference ho...

[Soidhonia]

((((MOUSE))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time. There are times for therapy and times for relaxed therapy where things can be a little laid back. You may need to talk to your therapist about some relaxed therapy where you can go pick up lunch and just sit with her at lunch to relearn your concepts of realizm. This is something that we do at our NAMI meetings where we have meetings where everyone brings a covered dish and everyone just sits and eats and talks about what is happening at that time that they would like to talk about. This meeting redirects the structure of being fearful to communicate when things are not going exactly as they would like, while still getting the postive feedback they need in a nurturing and safe manner.. I get numerous compliments for the meetings because most people were never allowed to talk or get the recognition they deserved and that played a major role in how they view themselves and their level of self esteem. I sincerely feel that you and your therapist would really get a lot out of erlaxed therapy or meetings where lunch or dinner is involved, because that would help you see that your therapist is a REAL person and that she is not just something you have imagined in your mind and you may feel that your nuturing needs are being met with the meetings as well without feeling that your boundaries have been violated. You will have to talk to your therapist to see whether relaxed therapy is something she is interested in at this time, In Ohio where I live it is a very productive procedure and fun as well. Take care Mouse. Soidhonia

[dalila]

<font color="green"> Oh, Mouse, you sound terrified. As if you have suddenly realized that, no matter how much you manipulate people you cannot force them to meet your needs. For those of us who are control freaks [and I put myself in that category] this is a dreadful realization. It is also very freeing because I no longer need to accept responsibility for all the wrong in my world.

This push pull iwht your therapist is like a 3 year old, realizing that you are not the center of the world and trying at the same tome to stay in that position. Often anger masks fear for those who are able to feel anger. Accept your anger but look inside and see if there is something more underlying it.

I think people who are able to feel anger can get there faster than those who can’t feel it., anger is so hard for me I almost envy those of you who can get angry. I have to say I think this is a positive thing in the long run for you Miss Mouse. You impress me more and more every post. </font>

[Mouse_]

Dalia, Yes I do feel afraid because I've realised I can't manipulate people and force them to meet my needs. But i'm stuck in the bit inbetween, I dont know where to go from here? My head is telling me that if I can't do that with people then what is there left to do? The thought of just being in a friendship with no hidden agenda feels like I'm falling through space and no one will catch me. Someones removed my crutch and I don't know how to walk, plus yes I feel so angry inside that the thought of talking to someone and not getting what I want is strangling me. I know this too shall pass, but it hurts whilst its happening. No wonder growing up is left to children, its to painful for adults.

[ECHOES]

I understand so much better now. It feels bare, naked, exposed to me. Unfamiliar. Learning to be who we want to be, who we are.

It is like the floor has dropped out from beneath your feet, and all the familiar rules have changed.

In a kind of related way, I think of people who've left their contries of origin, for whatever reason/s and often because of fear for their lives. I am in awe that they can go half-way round the world to start again, to learn a new language, culture, customs, laws, new ways of nourishing themselves physically with unfamiliar foods, etc. And at the same time, find a way to support themselves, raise a family, live theri lives.

Strangers in a strange land.