My healthcare costs skyrocketed after being diagnosed with a serious condition. I had to quit therapy abruptly since I would not be able to pay him for another session.

I feel completely abandoned. Its a very traumatic time for me because I have medical related PTSD, I live alone, and am very sick,

Lost my health, now my T. I also moved to a new city and haven't made any real friends yet.

He's been my therapist for 5 years. He acted indifferent at our last session, while I cried a sea of tears and told him all my deepest feelings.. He juat sat there. I feel worthless.

It's a cruel world.

[guilloche]

That sounds awful. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with not being able to see your therapist at the same time that you're dealing with major health issues.

Did you tell him why you were leaving? Did he not offer any alternatives? If he can't provide a sliding-scale type of fee, could you ask him for referrals to someone who might be able to? I know it's not the same, but it would at least give you some support as you're going through everything else...

I'm really sorry that he acted indifferent when you left. That's really surprising and cruel on his part. I had a therapist that kicked me out after I was diagnosed with something that he couldn't deal with, and when I went in for a final session and to ask some questions, his demeanor was so different - it's like he had pulled himself back and was not there at all to talk to me. It was bizarre, and horrible. I'm sorry that you had to go through something similar.

Hope things turn around for you soon...

[growlycat]

I've learned that therapists will often keep it together while going through a session like this but often once you are out of the room they may cry too. Two of my ts admitted to something like this. My latest t saw a couple who lost a child. He would stay present but said he'd go home and just cry for awhile. So maybe take comfort that he might care after all even though it may not seem that way.

guilloche-I'm sorry that happened to you. Yes, he knows my medical expenses have gotten unaffordable. He has no alternatives, just to come back when I can afford it. I asked him to come less frequently and he said no. I can't imagine seeing anyone else.

growlycat-thank you for this. I wish it were true in my case. I imagine he is relieved to be rid of me because I am not an easy client since I wasn't getting better.

It feels traumatizing to me. My parents neglected me unless I had something to offer them, met their needs. It feels the same way. I know he is not purposely doing anything to hurt me, but I feel so much shame and self-hate.

Ideally I would see someone else but I can't. I am really attached to him and cannot resolve this with another therapist.

[guilloche]

I'm so sorry. I'm really surprised that he wouldn't allow you to come less frequently - that seems very odd to me. I have some of the same issues (crappy parents, abandonment issues, bad past Ts - obviously) - and it's all so painful. I know that it's hard to imagine working with another T, but if it comes to that at some point (i.e. maybe somebody with a sliding scale, or who can see you less frequently) - I hope you end up surprised by finding someone incredible and kind who turns out to be more of a help than the old T.

I was surprised too, but he explained how it didn't work with his schedule.

It hurt when he told me there are clinics and crisis lines; that he is "not the only one". Actually, the clinics are for people with serious mental health conditions or people who are not employed. He specializes in trauma-how could he not be concerned how separating from him abruptly would affect me? I have huge attachment difficulties, and our relationship was the focus of therapy.

It's certainly a time of grieving. I may have to hang out here for support. Although I wish I could get my mind off him and therapy altogether. I gave him too much power and told him so at our last session. I told him I should have never let myself be so dependent on him; that it was a mistake.

He was an anchor, now I'm floating away into nothingness, oscillating back and forth from nothingness to hurt. Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. I am hurting.

If he cared about me, wouldn't he try to work something out?

I wouldn't expect him to have feelings about me like I have for him, but is it normal for a T to do this after 5 years of working together? He doesn't have a waiting list or anything like that.

I know it is not technically wrong in the ethical sense, but it just seems cruel. I wish his actions didn't have such an effect on me, but they do.

[growlycat]

I do like think he handled it badly.

Let's say he really is cold and does not care. Don't you deserve a t who does? In that sense the s could be a good development although it is painful.

I had a t in my youth that I was very attached to like this and he hurt me by leaving before I had another t in place

Thanks for trying to put a positive spin on this.

I'll try but I feel like I'm back to where I started 5 years ago. I let myself be so attached to him but meanwhile, he never cared. I wouldn't care either if not the feelings of worthlessness this provoked. He hurt me so badly.

I thought I was going through the developmental stages and healing my attachment injuries, but now I want to end my life.

[growlycat]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. When this happened to me it was one of the most painful times in my life. After my bad t I ended up finding the best t I've ever had. He saved my life. Even though I don't see him for therapy regularly I still will see him once a year if I go to my home state

I'm hoping this all leads to something better for you too. But it sucks in the meantime

I'm sorry you went through something similar. Was your T bad as in mean or abusive to you or do you mean not good at the job? I'm so glad you found the best T you ever had.

He was such an integral part of my life for 5 years. With other things in my life declining, I just can't bounce back as I would have when I was younger. I am afraid I'm going to become a bitter person. I am so afraid it will affect me that much. I don't want to be that person.

Thank you so much for your kindness growlycat, I really needed to talk to someone and there has been nobody.

[BudFox]

Re: doing less frequent sessions, if he put his schedule above your mental health, then would seem he is an asshole.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

I'm sorry you went through something similar. Was your T bad as in mean or abusive to you or do you mean not good at the job? I'm so glad you found the best T you ever had.

He was such an integral part of my life for 5 years. With other things in my life declining, I just can't bounce back as I would have when I was younger. I am afraid I'm going to become a bitter person. I am so afraid it will affect me that much. I don't want to be that person.

Thank you so much for your kindness growlycat, I really needed to talk to someone and there has been nobody.

No I can't say this old t was abusive although leaving before transitioning to a new t is patient abandonment and considered unethical by my ts I've had since. He was a smart man but not a warm one. His boundaries were for his sake not mine.

It is scary how many poor therapists are practicing. I always say to trust your instincts and move on if someone seems off.

Keep posting if you want to because other time zones will kick in and you are sure to get more responses. Take care!!

BudFox-I haven't been able to get angry at him; well not fully. Come to think of it, he was acting like a jerk about it. It's not like other people don't have to make temporary scheduling changes. That makes me wonder if he has rejection issues (like me), or if he was thinking "good riddens". Makes me so sad. I do miss him a lot already. When we have good sessions, I felt very content.

Growlycat-My transition was "let me know when you can come back"..."there are crisis lines and clinics" (as I mentioned before-there are no clinics for me and crisis lines are not a substitute for therapy). Once I finish grieving, maybe I can think more about moving on. I can't afford to pay anyone now, but I see a psychiatrist who takes insurance. I can ask him for more frequent sessions; though the copay is still out of reach, maybe I can manage 2 times a month as I juggle bills. I am not attached to my pdoc. In all honesty, I have no desire to see anyone else. That's the worst part about it--I feel like I can only resolve this with him because of the underlying trauma associations. It brings me a sense of imprisonment, which unsurprisingly, is how I felt growing up. Regarding your situation-it's good to see someone who came through the other side; inspiring. Though I was resilient when younger, I imagine that helps. The older I get, the more starting over feels like climbing a huge mountain.

[growlycat]

I'm not young I'm 45 but I had to give up my best t due to two moves. It still worked out well as the next two therapists had unique things to offer. It is possible to attach and do the work again. Maybe you need time to regroup and grieve. It's hard to see now but it can be done

[Daisy Dead Petals]

This is heartbreaking to read. I think the way your therapist handled the situation is abhorrent and cruel. It sounds like you have a good foundation of self awareness to build on if you eventually choose to further explore your attachment trauma. I hope you find the empathetic and skilled therapist you deserve.

Daisy Dead Petals-Thank you. I can't help but think it's a reflection of my unworthiness or his wanting to get rid of me rather than him. Like growing up, I didn't deserve to be parented ( I mean that literally). His actions cut to the bone, hurt me so deeply, reactivated core issues. I am obviously very wounded.

Sometimes I wonder if it's sadistic or to punish me, but I can't think of why he would do that. But these thoughts keep popping up in my conscious, but outside of the emotional reaction.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

Daisy Dead Petals-Thank you. I can't help but think it's a reflection of my unworthiness or his wanting to get rid of me rather than him. Like growing up, I didn't deserve to be parented ( I mean that literally). His actions cut to the bone, hurt me so deeply, reactivated core issues. I am obviously very wounded.

Sometimes I wonder if it's sadistic or to punish me, but I can't think of why he would do that. But these thoughts keep popping up in my conscious, but outside of the emotional reaction.

Rayne-You haven't done anything to deserve this. You deserve a better therapist, the way he treated you was horrible. I went through two other therapists before I found my current one. You will get through this.

Thank you Lemoncake. I wish I could stop being angry with myself for letting this happen.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

Thank you Lemoncake. I wish I could stop being angry with myself for letting this happen.

You have every right to feel the way you do, but I think most people here would understand how it's so easy to get attached to our therapists especially if we have trauma or abuse in our histories. No man is an island. We all long to feel connected to others and that's going to happen with anyone we spend time with.Try to go easy on yourself- you took the first step of starting therapy to help yourself and you did the best that you could. Your therapist should have ended things properly.

Do you keep a journal?

No, I don't keep a journal. Everything is going wrong in my life all at once. It seems the more problems, the more everyone pulls away. I feel so discarded.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by Rayne_

No, I don't keep a journal. Everything is going wrong in my life all at once. It seems the more problems, the more everyone pulls away. I feel so discarded.

Writing things out helps to atleast just get them out of my head. It doesn't have to be anything fancy- a few words or pictures. Or just keeping posting here. It may not sound like it right now, but you will get through this.

Did you see if you could gt another appointment with your psychiatrist?

[growlycat]

Writing it out helps me prioritize what I need to work on first. It really can help you structure the way forward.

I thought about journaling but write/look at laptop all day for work and am sick of it. Need to get out of my head. If I only had a less mentally intensive job, I'd definitely do it.

So I saw my Pdoc this morning and remembered why I never got attached to him. Instead, I just tolerate him. He asked me if he was boring me (as he did on other occasions). I said no, I just don't feel well (physically). He wanted to know about my health issues and I told him and mentioned changing ADs. He kept acting impatient, such as when I was talking about my symptoms, he asked me to stop talking while he was typing in the computer (he types everything I say). He types the whole time I meet with him; this time one whole hour. And he pressured me to decide on the medication immediately--to say yes or no. I was trying to evaluate the potential side effects. This took literally only one minute, and he acted impatient again. At this point, and it was towards the end of session, I said "are you feeling frustrated"? He looked at me and said yes, actually I am. Why do you think that?

My automatic thought just blurted out--"because I haven't gotten better". He said in an annoying manner--yes, all these symptoms, no medical records, medication changes. He was asking me about my symptoms and I've never been asked by a psychiatrist for medical records before! I really wish I didn't say that and don't even think that now, but it just came out. I really feel that his aggravation was within himself. So I am vored and he is frustrated. Isnt it supposed to be the other way?

I want to say good riddens, but hardly any psych docs take insurance around here so I may just have to tolerate him. And no, it's not projective identification. It's his crap. Thinking back, he actually does bore me and I dread going to my appointments. Whereas my T provoked feelings of excitement in me. So no, I don't think I want to do therapy with him. No way!

Mostly have been blocking T out of my mind lately, but I do miss him. It was really hurtful how we ended. The session before the last was good, I wish I stopped then. But after telling him 2 sessions in a row that I had no money to continue, he still said, let's talk next week or let's continue this next week. No understanding that having no money can really mean having no money. My checking account was overdrawn.

I've been thinking of not returning to therapy, even when my condition gets better and I pay off medical bills. I might try accupuncture instead. Although I probably could have put a down payment on a house with what I've been paying for therapy. Although therapy helped, it didn't help for depression much, but I think if I was feeling better physically, I might not have depression. I learned a lot about myself, but I don't see the point in going for years on end. I think being attached to him made me want to go. I crave that connection. And feeling like a little girl. But that only comes out in certain circumstances, and he hasn't been drawing out that part of me lately anyway.

[BudFox]

Good god, it really seems that most mental health professionals get paid to make people miserable. I don't know how they stay in business.

Acupuncture, i've done a lot. Could be a step in the right direction in terms of whole-body healing. A good practitioner would likely give diet guidance and maybe use herbs. I also highly recommended functional medicine.