Couch 153: Couch slouch

I'm awake! Still more of a couch lurker sometimes. I've spent most of the weekend thus far contemplating seeing my T again on Monday after our recent rupture. I think it will be okay, but I'm nervous anyway. This one is kind of complicated, but I get the sense that she already understands some/most of it. She digs complicated anyway, so that's something.

I've never really understood transference. Like, sometimes I can tell that I am expecting my T to think/say or do something a parent of mine would say or do, even knowing that she doesn't act/feel that way toward me. That seems like transference. But sometimes she delights me or pisses me off in her own right, and it seems like labeling that transference takes away some of the value and power of really feeling those things in the therapeutic relationship.

I got a cold.
I think it's "they" want either kill me or make me forget everything.
T thinks I'm psychotic

What was your rupture about (if you care to share)?

I agree that if everything gets labelled as part of the transference then some of the benefits of the therapeutic relationship and process can be hampered. For me, I can tell when my feelings are transference... hmm trying to figure out how to say this.... so I'll try this way... I am almost 100% accurate when I label something as transference, I am more like 70% accurate (maybe less) when I label something as just part of the therapeutic relationship. I am glad that my T sees the therapeutic relationship just as if not more important than the transference based relationship. I think it results in her taking more ownership of her part in events and misunderstandings that might arise. I am also happy that she is ok and finds it an honor/joy to be playing this role in my life, which includes some reparenting.

Pay the kitty!!

Instead of sliding from should to transference, which has become a weird dead end for you, you can go from should to "but what do i really want?" Sorry to spice girl ear worm everybody this early in the morning!

Thanks - i was afraid to look it up!

So my mom practically begged me to come visit her. So I'm going to today. I think she is lonely now that my sister moved out of her home. I'm feeling okay today. Still sick but not as acute and debilitating. So I think I can manage the 1.5 hour drive to my hometown.

I cleaned up my house because it had gotten messy from my being sick and not picking up after myself. So I feel good abt that... Having a clean and tidy home

I'm searching for someone to be my roommate. My landlord decided to not sell this house for another year or two... So I've signed another year lease. I am VERY happy I get to stay here because I love it here so much. As much as I want to live here alone with my Boby... I can't swing it financially. So I'm on the hunt for a good fit for a roommate... Which is hard when u have paranoia and trust issues

Anyway there are a lot of stressors right now but I think I am coping well.

Hope everyone has a relaxing sunday

I'll try to be less vague without being too specifc. Basically in session on Thursday she casually shared something small about her life that upset me to a degree that was not totally logical, even to me. It was akin to her changing a boundary with somebody, and it wasn't a bad or wrong thing, but it wasn't what I would have done in that situation. It was like when you see somebody has a different parenting style than you, and you disagree with the call they made but have to bite your tongue. Except it was therapy and I couldn't bite my tongue, so it led to an intense phone call on Friday about how I felt like I was wrong about who she is and couldn't trust her after all. She was super caring and definitely did not point out that her decision was none of my business, but it was still an unpleasant scene overall. There have also been some minor changes at her practice recently, so it tapped into my fears about her changing boundaries on me (or her changing in general).

I think the problem is that she has swooped into my life (okay, over the course of several years) and started meeting a bunch of my long-neglected needs within the therapeutic relationship, so I have a tendency to idealize her. Then when she does something I don't like or makes a call I don't agree with, it makes me question everything. Which is pretty unfortunate but something that I tend to do in certain other relationships too. I think your T and mine operate in similar ways, Elio, although I'm not sure if my T would describe what we're doing as limited reparenting. I definitely experience it that way, though.

[tosses a couple bucks onto coffee table]

Hoping new T can help me get out of the dead end. He also does sports psychology (which is kinda funny because I'm the opposite of an athlete), so maybe somehow his different perspective will help. Or maybe at least he can help my poor fantasy football teams...(though what I really need is a sports doctor, since so many of my players on the one team got injured...)

[tosses a few preemptive dollars onto the couch since I'm implying the "t" word]:
I know exactly what you mean by that second part. I idealize MC, and when he shares things that go against that image, it's very confusing to me. Like when he shared, after H punched a wall, that he had done that a few times. It was really jarring to me, and I had trouble reconciling that with my image of him.

And I also fear the changing boundaries thing, especially since my T basically did that with e-mail (said I was doing too much, when before it had been fine. And the recent thing about having to give equal time to all clients.)

I hope you and your T are able to repair the rupture, and you can feel secure with her again. I'm glad she was so caring and understanding on the phone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who do you think you are, stopdog?

Although, SD would never toss money pre-emptively.

It is hard when they do something that affects how we are connected to them or how we see them. I don't feel like I idealize her because I don't see her as perfect... but then again, I recently told my T that I need her to be how I define her to be. So how's that for idealization .

One of the things my T did was last year around Christmas time, she started to be more feminized - had her hair cut differently, had her nails done... dressing slightly more upscale/professional. This really bothered me because I have a problem with femininity in general - it was like I didn't know her and I so would not have connected with her had she been like this when I first met her. I was so glad when things returned to "normal".

My T is fairly feminine and stylish (and straight), and it has been a little odd getting into this tight relationship with her since I am none of those things. I think it has helped me feel closer to and more accepted by other non-queer people in my life, though. My other amazing therapist from college was exactly like me in those domains, and I think I needed to start with somebody like her first to get to where I was able to open up to somebody not like her/me. Gender-conforming heterosexuals still make me a little uneasy sometimes, though. (No offense to any couchies I'm describing; I'm sure you're all great!)

Why am I anxious/panicky today? Let's see (in no particular order):

-Dog we're adopting is having her spay surgery tomorrow (and, assuming everything goes OK, we bring her home Thursday!) Foster said she'd update us on surgery (and that they always worry, too, which made me feel better!)
-Assuming everything goes OK with surgery/recovery, we bring her home Thursday! (First-time dog owners. She's a year old, incidentally, not a puppy.)
-H is frantically cleaning the house in preparation for said dog, which makes me anxious for whatever reason.
-I have to admit to my dog-hating mother that we're getting a dog.
-I'm seeing a new T Tuesday and will be sharing lots of intimate stuff with someone I just met (and talking about T and MC with someone who knows them).
-We're seeing MC tomorrow and just had a rather intense session with him Thursday.
-Seeing mother-in-law for her birthday today (not too stressed about that, but maybe a little)
-Financial stuff
-Also, on a much lighter note, doubting who I chose to start in my two Fantasy Football teams...

Talking fantasy football, I need to pick 2 at RB from Gordon, Cohen, or Cook.. with Bradford out and going against Pit, is Cook safe? They'll be feeding him the ball that's for sure - but... will that just make it easier for Pit to stack the box?

I'm with you LT... why do I insist on playing this game that adds so much stress to my life... oh yeah, I like NFL and I like to obsess about things.

I'm at work and wishing I wasn't!

I often use FantasyPros to help with those decisions (they compile rankings from a bunch of places) https://www.fantasypros.com/nfl/start/
They seem to be saying Gordon (assuming you mean Melvin), then Cohen, then Cook.
Didn't realize Bradford was out (almost picked him up last week).

And I find FF to be a good outlet for my obsessive tendencies, too! Plus my H plays, too, and it can be fun when I beat him I do drive him a little nuts with it, because I'll be checking scores when we're out.

Sadly, I had David Johnson AND Allen Robinson on one of my teams--they got hurt in the first game and are out for either most or all of the season...

If it makes you feel better... We'll get our puppy on saturday... And I'm an anxious mess due to said puppy

I miss my T so much and I cNt stop obsessing about him right now. I even took a prn. Without drugs it's harder to ignore

Gee when we're working a mandatory 8 hr overtime day, I think we should be left the hell alone. I just had a manager standing behind me because I was on a 10+ minute call. The caller was mad and I had de-escalated the situation so I didn't have to call a lead. It's like jeez I've been here 5 years, I'm one of your best advocates, if I'm on a 10 minute call there's a good reason for it. Get out my face!!!

Today is actually my 5 year anniversary here... mostly I like it, but when they get all insane about handle time it makes me crazy. Especially when I'm on overtime and tired because we've been doing so much overtime due to the hurricanes!!

Rant over.

Could you go to game night tonight, or will you still be at your mom's? And is this day 4 being clean?

Aww...yay, a puppy! And yes, hearing that does make me feel better!

(((LT))) you dont HAFTA tell your mom. YOURE the mom now. SHE is JUST the gramma.

Gwammies used to know their place in the olden days. They used to get tired. Now they like to stay the boss the family. I think it messes stuff up. Oh, theyre "helping". Yeah right.

Eta - i better go make coffee. Im so cranky!! Sorry!!!

Una hahahaaaaaaa you make me laugh so hard. Thank you for making me smile so often when I couch-lurk

Not that she visits the house much, but she MIGHT notice the brown furry creature wandering around! (Though my dad, who I have told, said we'd have to lock it up if she visits.) I guess if she calls, I'll be like, "Barking? What barking?"

Found a new apartment and just put in my application.

It's the best of the lot but costs more than my current place and is much smaller and well, generally sucks compared to where I am now (a lot less light etc).

I really don't want to move but I don't know how I can continue to stay here either while feeling like I can't walk around freely without worrying that I'll bump into certain people.

And, current T tonight -- who I am sure will do her best to convince me that it's the empowering thing to do and so on. At the last session, she tried telling me that she couldn't do either what I was considering doing -- sticking around till my lease ends. I kinda wanted to tell her that there are lots of things I can do, that she can't and vice versa. So, that's kind of a pointless path to go down.

I'm exhausted but trying not to think about it all -- everything just sucks all around but I also know I'm kvetching needlessly when I have the means to actually up and move rather than continue feeling uneasy all the time (a luxury, I know, few have).

On the other hand, it is a lovely day here.