Couch 155: The International Operator

Does that mean no narwhal onesie?

A little over 3 hours later, finally finished chapter 9 section 3. One more section to go and then the chapter test, and maybe this weekend I can get a jump on next week's chapter. My brain is toast tonight though.

Night couchies!!

I can't say for certain. I definitely can't afford one right now anyway but maybe..... some day......

It does mean really intriguing radiator valve whistling episodes. I recorded a lot of them last year. Thought of starting a Soundcloud called "Radiator Songs." I got a couple really good ones with a nice rustic swing in an octatonic scale, rather reminiscent of the Bartok field recordings.

I'm sorry Daisy.
But you're not bad.

I'm sorry Daisy. That's horrible. I hope the liquor can ease some of the pain

I don't think you're a bad cat mommy though.

About 1 week after I got my 2 lovebirds, one of them started having seizures. I was... horrified, didn't know what to do and what I had done wrong.
I tried calling the emergency vet but they just said that they have no clue about birds. I took her to a specialized vet the morning after. They took some of her blood and said that it's probably nothing. I was sure it was my fault. That I'm toxic, the bird was fine before, right?
A werk later they called and told me that her liver values are a bit off and they'd send me medicine for her. From then on I had to catch her every evening to give the medicine which always left her shaky and horrified.

After a while I run out of the medicine and birdie seemed to be feeling better, so I stopped it. After all the vet wasn't very concerned about her liver values and she could just have had a bad day anyway

She had 2 other seizures. I was... I Took her to the vet again. They didn't do anything and told me to wait it out. I started to feel like it must be my fault because the vet treated this little helpless thing the way doctors treat me. I'm bad so that's ok, but that's not the birds fault.

Some other seizures and a few (horrifying costly) vet visits later they told me that her liver is stopping to function and I'll eventually have to put her to sleep. See, I'm toxic...

The other day I woke up to one of the birds screaming her lungs out. They do that a lot though and I had overslept, so I ignored her and hurried out of home (to see T). Stuff got in between and I didn't manage to get home before 3p.m.
Turns out the bird had been strangling herself in one of the toys. Trying to rescue her I probably hurt her a lot because I wasn't able to hold her tight as she kept biting my hands open (literally).
Yeah

I sh'ed after every single one of those... accidents.

My point is... I emphasize a lot with what you're feeling. I still truly believe it's not your fault though. What happens to mine isn't my fault either, even if it feels like it.

Take care of yourself daisy. Having pets die is extremely painful.

Well done for not killing anyone

Demunie, you're not toxic *hugs* Sorry about your birds

Well, she booked someone into that slot.

I have to hope 1st Dec last slot of the day opens up.

Wow. That. Sucks. Big time.

Meh, I don't matter anyway. Cos I'm stable lol. Who cares. Too many people need her. Need her more than me clearly. Stupid attachment to her. Everyone telling me I should find another therapist is right. But I just want her as my therapist.

You matter. You deserve help. I disagree with her saying that she could have discharged you long ago big time.
You deserve to get regular biweekly sessions. Yes, many people need her. So do you.

You'd think working hard to remain employed full-time would make getting psychological support where I live easier. Lol like real. So much easier if you're someone supported by parents or a spouse. Every damn working adult wants those limited 430pm slots.

I don't know exactly why she doesn't let clients book multiple sessions in advance. Maybe it's to be fair to everyone irregardless of need. Not that I really "need" her as my symptoms are very well managed.

Or maybe it's hospital policy because I tried once with the appointment hotline and they didn't allow it.

Whenever this happens, it triggers old stuff. Of always being last, less than an afterthought. Always expected to be The OK One, the one whose struggles don't matter because they're not that bad compared to others. Where coping isn't affirmed and just expected because who cares about the cost to me?

I'm crying at my work desk in my cubicle again.

Meh, why do I bother doing my best to function? Because I know I can't afford to break down, quit my job, go get supported by my parents lol.

My abuser brother has a great time playing videogames all day.

I'm sorry. I wish I could help you...
You DO deserve help. You matter.
Job is important, but YOU are the most important. If you feel that you need to take a break from work - do it.

Just because your symptoms are well managed... I drag myself to university daily. Someone just told me that I'm always standing by, leaning against the wall and looking like dying while they talk.
Anyway, just because your symptoms are well managed, it doesn't mean that you don't deserve to see her. Or that you're not suffering or whatever.

I think that her schedule simply wouldn't allow more early scheduling...

My dear, of course it triggers old stuff. Gosh, not seeing T for a week triggers this in me.

Just know that for me you don't have to be the ok one and I deeply care about the cost to you... I really wish your T would be more aware of what her schedule does to you and probably her other clients.

Not physically unwell enough for medical leave. No fever. My physical health GP is strict.

I don't like or trust my community mental health GP. I can work (desk job), I'm just emotionally sad.

Hugs. That "drag yourself to school / work" feeling really, really sucks.

I derive some purpose in my life due to my job. It's better than home where deadbeat brother and retired dad are anyway.

*hugs* I can picture you standing there, looking like you're dying... *hugs*

I know it's her schedule...she'd told me that maybe the 27 Oct last patient might reschedule or cancel. Turns out they didn't (you have to confirm via text message 1 week in advance because the hospital uses an automated system).

Then she's full all the way till 21 Nov so she booked me on then. Then stupid HR scheduled the damn work course on 20-21st Nov. My boss approved it and they expect me to reschedule therapy. Then she was just so booked till 27th Nov according to the clinic...then another patient took it before me so 1st Dec for me hopefully...

I wish she didn't have so many clients but that's normal everywhere in the public health sector... :/

I know I've never been so ill as to need inpatient (no prolonged ideation, no intent, no plans, etc).but unlike some local acquaintances, I can't just see a friendly GP for a mental health day. I actually have 30 days sick leave I can use in a year (needs a doctor to sign off for each day. Most use it only for physical illness) and I NEVER use them.

Could your T sign those days off?

Nope, she's not an MD

If I do anticipate needing an MH day, I use vacation leave. I accumulated more than a week from the previous year because I get weird looks from family when I take leave and don't go on multiple vacations like my middle class colleagues.

There's urgent leave which uses the same pool but my boss is...difficult around that requiring justifications and reasons.

Like yeah I know I'm really lucky to have 18 days vacation leave. I just never finish using them...

Partly because when I do take days off, coworkers call me for work things.

I'm sorry I'm not supportive today. My brain is numb and I feel afwul. I think I'm not alive.

But that doesn't mean I don't care... I care about you and worry about you.

I know you care. Worry about yourself more because you're suffering tons already *hugs*

One silly thing brightened my mood a bit - a colleague asked for suggestions on a farewell gift for our CIO who is leaving. CIO is a very private man, but I noticed he uses pillows for his back when he sits in his desk chair. We found a pretty cool pillow massage thing. Everyone will vote on the suggested items and the most liked one becomes his farewell gift

Sorry you're feeling that way

Qm: yeah. Sorry your workplace amd your Ts case load and your family is so ******.

To all the rick&morty lovers...