Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

T,

Some of us had parents who did nothing or punished us for being suicidal. Some of us had parents tell us to go kill ourselves.

What the **** would you know... you with your loving parents and friends?

RoboT,

Please leave me alone. I don't want to dream about you anymore. I don't want to think about you anymore. I'm so tired of this hold you have on me. I just want to move forward.

Daisy

Remember I told you you're very beautiful?
You looked rrreaaally surprised. People don't tell you this very often, I guess?
How it can be possible??

Beauty comes from inside, I know...
But you're beautiful and I'm ugly.

See you after 2 weeks... 2 weeks!

ETA: I really told you this. Seems I used to be VERY brave lol

I"m so lost as to who I am. I don't have time to do a real post. I'm getting better and am not sure of myself at all. I am so confused. Am I independent or dependent? That is the question. ..Is this normal? Going from feeling independent, but calling T for help???
And then, when he answered I thought he was saying that only my dependent part could text him. And then I felt rejected and started crying. Am I normal? Is this just normal and I'm making a big deal out of it? Is it even real, did it really happen? I keep telling T that I need a rule book but there isn't one he said. I get this, but it's like I NEED to be able to put things into words and understand what is going or it totally freaks me out. Does this make sense to anyone? I feel lost.

Just a wondering question - would it be helpful to have one more meeting with him right before the end of the year - a catch up, update type of deal. It might make things worse, it might make things better - I don't know. It was just a thought that floated through when I read your post. I guess I was thinking about how after you break up with someone and you meet up with them months later, sometimes it can be good and help put that final closure in place. Other times it just sucks and brings forth all the feelings you had because it was too soon. No answers, just a thought.

Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to be an adult; I'm not grown up yet

I am so happy right now. My H and D and I went out together which of course we have done before. But I feel connected, majorly more than usual. I had forgotten totally about posting earlier today that I was lost. I was. But now I really feel good and I am thankful for it. I'm trying not to analyze my feeling good away. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. Work was both frustrating and fine.

I feel so good right now that it feels totally out of character. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I'm looking forward to my D's birthday in six days and to the holidays coming up. Work finally feels do-able, instead of terrifying me. I'm looking forward to starting my program soon at work and am hoping it makes a huge difference. I'm really into making things work. Keeping my fingers crossed that this feeling lasts as long as possible.

Why the f**k did I email you? I'm such a complete and utter idiot.

I've thought about it. A lot, actually. The people in my life that I know and trust have assured me that is a terrible idea. If I really evaluate where I am now versus where I was a year ago, I am doing much worse. There are a lot of reasons for that, of course, but he contributed to that, at least a little bit.

The only reason that I would want to go is that I miss him. There's no benefit from me in trying to keep the connection going.

This isn't a response designed to attack the idea. I understand why someone may consider that possibility. I know I have. But he hurt me in the course of therapy and would only do so more were I to see him again.

And writing this feels like turning a page. Hopefully recognizing that I miss him and that he's bad for me will help me continue to grow and move on.

PrevT,

We met in your office when you told me a tiny bit about yourself...about you being in school...I’m not sure what grade...
You spoke of your teacher, “She found me.”

You didn’t go into why you were feeling lost... But it seemed like it was a significant connection for you- a turning point.

I remember.

I watched the Elizabeth Smart autobiography and am caught up in the moments of her discovery and rescue. While my story isn’t as dramatic and painful as hers, I identify with being ensnared in a sort-of ‘kidnaping’ and, certainly, a feeling of being absolutely lost. And absolutely found- by you.

Feeling ‘found’ came slowly. Feeling ‘found’ and trust was built by incident on top of incident.

I play back emotions of that time...confusion, fear, distrust...wanting so badly to tell you his name but feeling afraid. Confusion that maybe he was, at worst, a good man who perhaps made a mistake? Would I ruin him by telling you his name?

More feelings- you weren’t going to judge me? Hurt me? Reject me? Betray me? You were on my side? For reals?

We addressed the many other areas where I was lost... and you helped find me there, too.

Feeling ‘found’, finding True North....it felt kind of delicious. I still feel glad and thankful.

So I thought, maybe, feeling ‘found’ was one way you related to me...since you were ‘found’ once, too.

Changed my mind.

I see you tomorrow. Have you forgotten that you hurt me?

Hi PrevT,

Todat will be the first time we speak to eachother in over 8 months. I don't know how I feel about this. I haven't spoken to you because I was angry an hurt over some things. And your talk about closing sessions had made this worse and made me think you didn't wanted to be my T anymore. Which is probably true. I'm a burden with my attachment to you.

Can't wait to see U tomorrow. I made a list of all the things I wanna tell you. Good and bad

T2,
I feel like, since I asked you for an earlier appointment this week, I really need to make it count--and make it obvious why I wanted it. I feel overwhelmed with the number of things I could talk about. Obviously I need to mention the depression and negative thoughts, but not sure what direction to go in from there. I have this stupid fear that you'll be like, "You asked for an earlier appointment for *this*?" Even though I doubt that will be the case, unless I decided to spend the whole hour talking about my Fantasy Football victories...
See you in <2 hours,
LT

Are you going to reply?

This is the closest relationship I've ever been in in my entire life.

If I disclosed the intensity of my feelings for you, would you throw me out of your office? Would you want to work with me on these feelings, if it's all going to be about you?

If I told you I finally love you enough to sort of hate you, would it scare you?

It scares me.

Thank you. I knew you would reply. But I'm still anxious and I still feel horrible. I love you.

Daddyyyyyyyyy

Dear T2,
Oh God, I can't believe I talked about some of that stuff with you today. Clearly, I feel comfortable with you if I can talk--within the same session no less--about both sex and . And I was even able to look at you some of the time during both conversations. I'm glad I decided to give you a chance, despite your connections to MC and T1. And despite my thinking at first--particularly after that one e-mail--that you might be an arrogant d-bag. I mean, maybe you are a bit of one, but you're a caring one with good insights into my brain!
--LT

T2,
Also, seriously, you'd never heard of the attractions to someone in the beginning of a relationship referred to as "butterflies"?
--LT

Dear MC,
If I remember correctly from my googling many months ago (mostly because I remember it in relation to my mother's and H's b-days), I think today might be your birthday. So, Happy Birthday! (Of course, in reality, I won't let on that I know this...)
Love,
LT

I'm sorry for being such a bad client I'm really trying to get better at this...