Couch 157: Fair Value

I was gonna go to a journey circle last night but changed my mind. One of the other practitioners is leading one this morning and I prefer her drumming, so I'm heading over there now.

There’s a graduate class on theories of counseling and psychotherapy next semester...and I can’t take it because my upper-level language seminar is at the same time.

Get the syllabus?

(Speaking as a lazy no-good former grad student who found most seminars gawdawfully boring but usually with excellent selections of readings.)

Clearly you did not take graduate seminars in dead languages. Little surpasses the history of the nu-moveable for excitement.

I was hoping they’d give away their trade secrets. Or I could find out what therapists actually larn in therapy school, since a goodly number of them don’t seem to have larned very much.

Ahem. The newspaper informs me that it is Ryan Gosling’s birthday today.

I believe that this is an official Couch holiday.

The.......newspaper......informed you?

Oh, ATAT.

I also do crossword puzzles. On paper.

I’m just an old-fashioned kind of girl. Heck, I used to marry everyone I slept with.

With a pen?

Of course. Doing the Sunday Times puzzle right now in blue ballpoint.

'Woo' stuff ahead, be forwarned. Scroll on by if that bothers ya!

So I just got back from this morning's journey circle (for anyone who wasn't around the last time I was talking about this stuff, I attend shamanic journey/drumming circles and am a practitioner). So glad I went!! For my 1st journey my intention was asking the question "what should I do about therapy?" And the answer I was given was basically that I was asking the wrong question, because it seems I've already made a decision. And some questions followed like "how do you feel when you think about not going to therapy anymore? Does it make you sad? Do you cry? Go into your feelings." So I tried, but then I was trying too hard, and so I spent the rest of that one just laying there listening to the drum and relaxing. But as I learned in my training, it happens sometimes, ya just gotta go with the flow.

But then my 2nd journey was a pretty powerful one... My intention for this journey was to ask "How do I know if I'm making the right decision regarding therapy?"

I went to my normal "place" and where it's usually just a river that leads to a lake, this time there was like a tributary off to the left that I'd never seen before so I followed it, and it led me to a beaver who was building a dam in this new area of water. I watched him for a bit. And then asked him "How do you know it was the right decision to do this?" He said "It's not about right or wrong. I have to do it, so I do. And if something different is needed later, then that's okay, that doesn't make it right or wrong either time. It just IS. And I will keep doing what I need to do when I need to do it. That's all it's about." He paused a moment. Then said "Maybe your decision isn't about being right or wrong either - maybe it's just about what you need right now, and that's all that matters." I told him how freeing that is, to think about it in that way, and thanked him for his wisdom and stuff and about then I heard the drum calling me back. Then I sat up and wrote all this down, and shared it with the others when it was my turn. One of the other participants said "So that helps you let go of the guilt." I was like, exactly - and I didn't even have to share the situation. These people are so 'my tribe'!!!

SO, yeah. I am always paralyzed by the "am i right or am i wrong?" thing. So much so that I'm not even aware sometimes (like now!!!!) that I've already MADE the decision that I'm so worried about the rightness or wrongness of.

So I came away from today with the knowledge that sometimes, a decision isn't about what's right or what's wrong. It's about what I need to do at that time. I know what I'm doing about t.

That would be really interesting, sorry you're not able to take it. Is it offerered online at all? Just curious. I haven't looked into any graduate courses online yet, so maybe not. I'm starting with undergrad ones even though I already have a (worthless) BS in Communications. Might at some point decide to look into graduate classes, but not sure yet. Right now I'm happy with the undergrad ones, I just registered for Positive Psychology for next semester. Online again of course because I like the flexibility that offers.

I'm not usually one for "woo," but that sounds like a beautiful realization, Art. I'm also so intrigued by how many ways there are to come to good, strong insights.

Was it this newspaper?

That sounds like it was a very freeing and empowering experience, Art. Much too woo for me, but the answers you received resonate with me. Sometimes the only wrong decision is indecision. You seem like you've made the decision that is best for you now, and that may change over time. That doesn't mean that your decision now was "wrong," just that your needs have changed.

My spouse and I often quote that Rush lyric to each other "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." It's amazing how often it applies.

Warning. In-law vent.

My H insisted we should ask his parents for a recommendation for a decorator and storage. I said we should organise someone separately because they are control freaks.
Low and behold he asks them and they send a massive rant text back about how ad hoc arrangements don't work selling houses and we need to get more organised and how come we came within 10 miles of their house today without visiting them. And blah blah blah.
How about you BUTT THE F OUT! YOUR SON IS 40 YEARS OLD.
My family would never interfere with our business so it really rubs me up the wrong way. Ugh.

End vent.

It really was. And I'm intrigued by that as well, probably as many different ways as there are people to do them, huh!

It was indeed! And I really like how you worded the - "just that your needs have changed". Thank you for that!

I don't have any advice, just my empathy for your situation. I've been dealing with some mother in law stuff myself, so ugh indeed.

I count myself fortunate indeed that I don't have to deal with h's sister. Our encounters have not been pleasant in the past when we lived in California still (near enough to where she lives that we visited maybe once a year). She does not like h and is very judgemental of him and says the same kind of crap to me while pretending to be nice. His brothers are fine, they just really keep to themselves and their own families and so we never interacted with them much - in fact, his oldest brother, I met a grand total of one time. My h's longtime friends are more his family than his actual family, and I've spent a good deal of time with them. His parents passed before I met him, and I am sorry that I was not able to meet his mother. From what everyone says about her, she was a wonderful woman and some of what attracted h to me in the first place, was that I have some of her qualities. Of course they are mixed with my craziness so.... go figure. I don't even want to deal much with my family, let alone make h deal with them. So we happily live inbetween them both - 500 miles by plane from his family, and 1,000 miles by plane from mine. I love it. A lot. !!!

I've readily told the members of my family that I still speak with that the reason I've become more mentally stable is that I live 1,500 miles away from them. While I'm not the bastion of mental health now, I'm better than what I was. I was in and out of inpatient during my teens and early 20s.

RS -- across all my (short-lived) relationships, I've been the one with the (by miles) batshit crazy family that knows no boundaries (either I dated people who came from 'normal' families or those that came from less crazy families + had already dealt with the craziness).

The one thing I can tell you is that the onus was really on me to create distance from my family (which I didn't do then), which meant in turn that I needed to at least recognize their craziness. My not doing so created a helluva lot of friction in my relationships.

So, I hope for your sake that H steps up one way or the other and doesn't keep subjecting all of you to their madness.

I left for Info’s way early, drove by the courthouse where tomorrow’s hearing takes place, and am now killing time in a fancy burger joint.

AY—I just started Wild by Cheryl Strayed, which I think you recommended? Current t would most definitely not approve of sudden decisions to hike alone for 1100 miles.

Does this mean i have to take a bath today?

I am lucky in that H is also irritated by his parents. He took the "see? I told you so" very well and he said he's going to text them in the morning and tell them to forget it. That will sting I imagine because they love to be super involved in everything.

The only news that matters!!!

Totally great!