[Mouse_]

I was reading some place else where someone in T wanted to know how they could work on their issues? They said how they reply to T's questions and sometimes argue and debate them.

Someone replied, "its about the feelings that go on between you and T when there are no questions"

Wow so simple but it really hit a spot. I often wish T would chat and talk. Now I guess its because of the anxiety and tension I feel in the silences, which I've not really taken a deep look at, not really.

I sometimes say that I keep expecting T to turn nasty any minute now, like mother would, but I've not ventured deeper than that.

HHmmm gotta go think about this.

[Perna]

I went through many years where I didn't/couldn't talk and, though I know it was useful to me now to struggle with that, I really really hated it then and it made me miserable at the time.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Mouse,

Thoughtful post. I am often uncomfortable during the silences and once, after a long pause, I said something (can't remember what) and T said, "I'm not sure how you experience the silence."

I need to consider this also. I mean, why does it feel okay for me to sit in a room silent with my students or with my family but with T I get anxious?

[tsha]

My t asks what I am thinking during prolonged silences and I tell her. I decided early on in my treatment that I had to be honest in these sessions. Sometimes it is hard to say things, but I am very comfortable with her, thankfully.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:
T said, "I'm not sure how you experience the silence."

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I think the silences can be profound. How does the T experience the silence? Mine told me once he is very still and feels what is in the silence, and it tells him something about what I am feeling, that I have made him feel a certain way without saying anything. And he learns something. He says it is very cool.

[Mouse_]

Tsha, Sometimes I know what Im thinking, but I'm not always sure I know what I'm feeling in the silences.

Sister, I once asked T why I feel ok sitting in a small room at work with work collegues, all sitting quite during our break or some such time, unyet sitting with just her in the t room its very hard. T said because this is proberbly the only place where the focus is solely on you. I think she was right.

[chaotic13]

I can't stand the prolonged silences that occur in therapy. And what drives me even more nuts is that T appears willing to sit there silently the whole hour if I don't say something to break it. Sometimes all I can manage is an "I don't know." Usually this statement doesn't count anymore and I have to figure something else out to say.

[Perna]

mckell, you might try asking your T how she experiences the silences; my T and I talked about that once (long after the silences though) and she told me how conflicted T's get with knowing when to be silent and when to talk, etc. Your T may be having wondering thoughts too :-)

[Mouse_]

Mckell, yeah I remember one session where t and I sat silent. Now though I finally had to surrender to the fact I've got to say what I am thinking, though that often makes me feel as if maybe I'm not in so much pain if I can abandon my own silence to speak.

[chaotic13]

My current problem is that in my desperation to break the between questions silence, I sometimes say something to is totally not accurate or true. Then I leave the session and in reflection realize that half of what I said was just total bull and likely made me look like a complete insensitive ballass. No wonder she must be totally aggravated with me. I keep throwing her off track with inaccurate, not well thought out statements. She is likely not answering my emails because she want to let me squirm in thought for 3 weeks. That will teach me to waste valuable therapy time spouting out a bunch of ********.

I know Perna logically I need to stop jumping to conclusions about what she is thinking or trying to do. It just how I am feeling at this moment. I have no evidence to support it and no reason to feel this way.

[Mouse_]

Oh I am guilty also of spouting "bs" or at least saying something completely different from what I want to say. But I think a good therapist will know more about what we're not saying then what we are saying??

I'm not sure why your T doesn't answer your emails? Can you ask her? I'd be surprised if it were to make you squirm? But having said that I also feel that T is making me "sit" on "It" when she's not replied sooner? But would a T really be that negative? I'm sure its our thinking that makes us feel that way.

[Perna]

If your T is away the three weeks she may not be answering because she's away and not doing Internet? Hard for me to understand since I'm glued to my computer :-)

[chaotic13]

If I ask her why she didn't respond, then I would be admitting that I had an expectation of her. A very wrong assumption on my part. The fact that I allowed myself to expect that she would be there to help me sort out all this junk from my past that she is helping me dig up, was stupid of me. I know that the only one who can help me through my current and passed issues is me. She is just a paid facilitator I've hired for an hour every two weeks. I learned a very good lesson this week--I'm on my own after the session is over.

[Mouse_]

mckell, You sound very upset?? yes we "hire" T's, but they are still a humanbeing and theres more to the process then just facilitating? we are on our own in one sense outside the session but we have an added addition to help us process this stuff because of the session? I don't know your T and can't say anything about her or her ability to help you. I think its ok to have an expectation?? maybe once every 2 weeks isn't enought to help you?? I Know I NEED twice weekly to keep the processing of the stuff going and to be able to internalise enought of T to help me outside of T. Perhaps you need to think about uping your sessions or if you truely feel this T isn't helping, then find another one??

[chaotic13]

Mouse, Thanks I guess I am a bit up set. And the fact that I am upset scares me. I am more angry with myself than with T. In trying to explore the dark inter-working of myself, I have given someone the power to affect me and I should have never done that! I guess I am just a bit confused and aggravated because I am realizing now that I have no idea what to make of what is going on between my T and I. I don't understand how the professional relationship works, what to expect, what not to expect. It seems like you are supposed to openly communicate and expose all of your fears, pain, and insecurities to them and trust that they will help you reconstruct a healthier, stronger, more aware "self". I'm feeling like a weaker more screwed up self instead. I'm just questioning what the heck I am doing. I should have just left well enough alone.

I feel like I allowed myself to be sucked into needing to talk about stuff and awakened a desire to connect with others on a deeper level. Now I'm scared I've lost my most valuable attribute--my independence. I actually care that this person has not responded to me! Why did I allow myself to depend on someone who is ...nice....helpful...attentive... but who when all is said and done really doesn't give a hoot if I show up to chat or not.

I'm sorry maybe what's happening between the questions is NOTHING.

[MissCharlotte]

((McKell))

It seems inevitable to me that at some point in therapy that we become confused and frightened about the relationship. Can you discuss this with T?

Do you have a contract with her surrounding e-mails? Are the rules clear? Did she promise to answer all of them? I have found that when I bring these things up I always feel better even if T explains boundaries. They make me feel secure. I also agree that it may be too hard on you to hold onto the relationship for 2 weeks. I go 2 x per week now myself and it makes for a smoother transition from visit to visit but still difficult at times.

If you can't discuss this with her or see her more frequently maybe you should find another T.

Best of luck.

[chaotic13]

Sister, thank you

Sorry everyone I vented a bit on this thread and I shouldn't have. I know I am being irrational and I am making assumptions about why my emails have gone unanswered. I also realize that if I really was so desperate to talk to her I could have called and left a message with her answering service. I guess my ego is unwilling to allow me to appear too needy.

I did talk once about writing her outside of our sessions. She said it was OK, but never committed to responding to me. I have emailed her before but in those messages I didn't expect or indicate that I would like a reply. I guess what has gotten under my skin is the fact that I had finally came out and admitted that I was having some trouble and actually asked for help with something. This was very difficult for me and based on our conversations in therapy I am sure she realizes this. I sent the messages early last week hoping to get another appointment before she left for vacation this week or possibly for next week. Since she didn't reply or at least have her office manager call, I've assumed that she blew me off.

The bottom line is I am angry at myself for wanting to talk to her. It makes me feel like I am developing a dependency on her and I don't like that feeling.

In the end it really doesn't matter--I realize now that I am not in an immediate crisis and that I was just being a big baby. I'm not accustomed to thinking about my emotions and therefore I tend to overreact when I have them. What I was feeling and questioning last week has passed and I survived just fine. I got myself worked up over nothing. Now I am questioning what I am doing in therapy and why am I torturing myself with revisiting the past. I need to stop thinking about all this stuff and just focus on enjoying the life I've created since.

Sister, if I had been able to schedule another appointment last week I would likely have expressed a lot of what I was feeling including what seems to be a major transition for me from not talking to needing to talk. Chances are when i finally go back I will likely dismiss all this as simply some irrational fears that don't warrant discussion. I might even forget that I was feeling upset. I know that sounds weird but it happens to me a lot.

I sorry for spouting off a bunch of negative thoughts on this thread. I think it is great that you all are able to share so much of yourselves with your T's. I also think it is cool that they respond in a caring way. I can see the real value of a relationship like this even if it is temporary.

[Perna]

mckell, my T never responded to my letters I wrote (never brought them up in therapy, I would have had to but I didn't either :-) and if I called her on the phone she would deflect the conversation to "we'll talk about this next session". I think how T's work, their "structure," is not about the T and whether they care or not but just about the structure they think is most helpful. If they go out of that structure then the "path" gets less obvious and harder to find for them and for us? I liked the consistency of my T's responses. I saw her for a total of 18 years and that came to be something I could count on and use. She wasn't late, didn't miss sessions last-minute/unplanned, she and I could count on each other to be "there". That was really good for our working relationship. There's so much that is unconscious that is working for us anyway or which takes a long time to realize.

I don't think your thoughts are "negative" they make sense and have to be asked. I think it is good you are getting them out where you can see them and work with them instead of letting them fester in your head and heart. Thank you for sharing them.

[Mouse_]

Mckell, YOur being VERY hard on yourself. Its ok to want help when we're struggling, no matter how insignificant it may appear to us???

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
I think how T's work, their "structure," is not about the T and whether they care or not but just about the structure they think is most helpful.

I saw her for a total of 18 years and that came to be something I could count on and use.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I am definitely a person who likes structure and consistency. My current T seems to provide this. However, I think some things in therapy seem to be unpredictable and I need to be able to deal with these better. I guess since this is all very new to me, I just haven't asked some of the basic questions that I should have to make me feel more comfortable. For example until last week, it never occurred to me that I might want to have a "emotional distress" plan in place in the event that I wanted some guidance between sessions. When I am in uncharted territory without a clear set of instructions I tend to freak out. Add to that a bunch of irrational thoughts swarming around in my head and it spells super freak out.

One of the things I keep thinking about the last few days is "If I really don't like the way she is working with me, then why not just stop going or go to someone else?" I really don't know if my T is a good fit or not, but I do know that she has demonstrated some success in helping me deal with some acute problems in my home. I also know that it took me a year to even consider going to therapy and the thought of starting all over with someone new elicits great trepidation. At this point for me it is a matter of continuing with my current T or stopping therapy all together.

Part of me wants a more warm and fuzzy relationship, but another part of me knows that I also like a rigid, professional relationship. Part of me likes the fact that she has other patients and a personal life and that I am just another one of the many clients she works with. I find that distance comforting for some strange reason. On the other side, if I have a question or want support I want her to drop everything and provide me efficiently with what I need. If I'm honest with myself I think that if she was the warm and fuzzy type, I likely would have been more uncomfortable than I am now and discontinued therapy after the first session. I want attention but really can't handle it at the same time.

This may be a case where what I think I want may not be what I need.