Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I am sorry you're in such pain, capt. I hope you are safe.

Ok. I chill. I'm chill .

I go to work n I'm fine . I'm happy...i talk to people ..i am distracted.

I come home and fall apart. I fall in the hole. I have to sedate myself to keep safe.

I feel like a loser cuz that's how I spend a Friday night.

you are not a loser, but man i feel like you've been struggling just to hang on for so long now. ugghhh it makes me so sad for you!

Thats exactly me. Is it because home was never a safe place growing up? Ive never been able to find a not-crazy person to live with - it always seems too uncomfortable.

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow
I am a rock
I am an island

I’ve built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock
I am an island

Don’t talk of love
Well, I’ve heard the words before
It’s sleeping in my memory
And I won’t disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved, I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

Do you notice that I have been trying to look at you? I could possibly tell you this! Also, I understand from PC forum that instead of just saying, I hate food, I could say I need help feeling safe talking about food. And, I really want to be able to use the gift certificates to buy something for myself, but I seriously can't imagine going into the shops. I get that you'll accept them as copay, but I feel like I should push myself to go into shops. So instead of saying all this, I just show up and say, yes, I've been taking all my meds (which is almost a true statement) and my family is great and my job is going about as well as it could at this point in the year.

(((Jdna))) in 7th & 8th grade, my new bff and i used to sing s&g songs at lunchtime. Its really touching to me now when you choose the songs of my youth.

T,

Please just tell me you are still there. I hate the weekends sometimes. The week seems like forever away.

Miss you. I hope you're doing okay.

Raine,

Hard to miss T over weekend. Hang in there.

Lonely is so lonely, alone Mr S, but I won't see you on Tuesday.

T,
The reason why I decided to make an extra appointment is because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to tell you everything in one session and talk about it and I don't want to wait another week. It's nothing earth shattering, there are some things that I've always known but i guess it just has remained unspoken. Again, I haven't specifically made meaning of these seemingly unimportant events, and I am trying not to think about it. I want to talk to you about it instead of try and make meaning of it.

I hate this hold you have on me, I want to be angry with you or hate but nope, here is me, missing you. Ugh... make these feelings stop, please

I love s&g too. That's one of my favorites. (((JD)))

See I told you I would miss you.

Hi Dr. S,
Miss you. 2 sleeps.
-me

This song is MY JAM!

Feeling so connected to you hurts sometimes.

New T,
Ugh, nope. I need to focus on the good instead of the less than ideal. Maybe I am going to ask you about your qualifications. Or maybe I can accept things as they are.

Dear Dr. S,
One more sleep. That is all I can say right now about it. One more sleep. I really miss you this weekend. Sometimes I wonder if those really good connected sessions make it harder or easier to be separated from you? Most the time I think it makes it harder. Sometimes easier - like the time I fully felt "mommy loves me" or "it's ok that I have to leave because I love you and I will see you on X". You know.
Love,
me

I don't trust you as much as I used to but I trust you enough to make it work still, I think.

I sometimes feel bad for you getting stuck with me and my issues. Thank you for being tolerating of me anyway though

Plz respond to me today plz.

I guess tomorrow might be one of those sessions.... I dunno what to say, what to discuss. I feel far away from everything and everyone, myself included. It's nothing but brain-fog and numbness. I don't know what hiding beyond all this. I just DO NOT want to be quiet again, but I feel like I have nothing to say...

Today has been a sad day.