Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Thanks for having a cancellation and moving someone's time so you could fit me in and thank you for the silly light hearted session . I love u T, I hope that property works out for you . And I will drive by it and text you what I think like you requested =]

I feel sick all the time, I feel unreal, and I feel as though there is a huge weight on my chest.

I had never heard you use that tone of voice with me before. It was literally my worst nightmare come true.

I asked you if I can please have an appointment this week, but you haven't replied.
I think perhaps you are already consulting about how to best get rid of me. I don't dare to contact you any more I'm case it cements that decision.

I can't sleep well and I'm not really eating. I'm so tired

Dear MC,
Thank you for that response. It felt reassuring and validating. I feel a bit less empty now. Maybe you can still live on in my heart after all, even after we terminate. Which may or may not happen on Monday, but I know it needs to happen soon.
LT

Dear T,
Guess I need to add “dream about that teacher” to my ever-growing list of things to talk about when you get back...especially considering the timing of the dream.
Hope you’re having a good trip and are still alive and stuff....
LT

I went to the shops and park near your house this morning. I'm there a lot as R plays in the park and loves to see the ducks....but at the moment the whole time I'm in the area near your house I have an unbearable yearning to see you. At the same time as being full of anxiety and fear at the possibility of bumping into you. It's so intense. When will it get less intense? When will I not have to think about you so much? .

I’m tired of losing people. I really miss you tonight. So much so I’m crying and can’t get to sleep

please still believe me...

please don't think i'm making it up...

We've been working together for a year and a half, twice a week, and today you forgot my mother's name.

You exude caring, but is it real? Do you prepare for session or today were you not on your game? Do you think about me after session, or not again until ten minutes before the next one?

These are questions to wonder about but not ask out loud, questions about sincerity and depth.

Do you work as hard as I psychologist as I did as a teacher and some people on the forum do with their clients? I do not think so.

What are sessions for- we talk about disturbing things for fifty minutes, but does anything change except me feeling sad my choice of confidante is behind a somewhat neutral screen? Should I have been talking about this all along with BF or if I had trusted H with all of it, maybe he wouldn't be ex H. You say I wasn't ready. You say now I am ready, and you like working with me bc the case is extreme and challenging, and you are learning. This makes me feel it is impersonal.

I am confused, and feel sad after session today, because in forgetting a main character's name, you show how much other stuff filled up your brain. You 50 minutes is very expensive for me to pay 2x a week, and I find it ironic your building is located on Commerce Street. I dont think you do this for the money, or that you are in any way overpaid. It is just a big sacrifice to come and see you, so I would like to think you do care. Many moments, a spell is cast and it feels like caring, but sometimes a detail is dissonant and shows the limitations and the self deceptions.

Sometimes there used to be an intimate feel to sessions, like you cared too much and you were caught up in me and my story and you would say yikes we took down the 4th wall. You are very professional though, and you stopped that once you became cognizant of yourself and your own feelings. You put up a photo of your wife and your kids suddenly.

Now though, I feel like Cinderella when the clock strikes fifty minutes, and I feel sad today even though nothing major happened bad. I am confused by what psychotherapy truly is and if it should hurt so much/ so often.

Dear Dr. S,

I wish I was seeing you again today and tomorrow ... and ... and. We are not talking about anything, we are not doing anything in sessions, ... I want to quit the work without quitting you.

btw - missing my puzzle piece, maybe it did more than I thought.

Love you,
me

This time last week we were hugging goodbye. I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

I know I’m making progress, but when will I actually start to feel better? Why does that have to be the last thing to happen?

What I value most about you is your trust in me. You trust me to make my own best decisions. You don't ever try to tell me what you think I should do. I value that very much and wish more relationships were that way.

I miss you already, I love our hugs but I hate them, because when its over, I have to leave you again for another week. It's too much for me. Why do I keep all my emotions in? Why am I even going there if I wont even tell you about the hell I am going through?

I do wanna come next week. I know I know all I gotta do is ask. And I haven't yet.

Dear T,
Hey, your advice on sending another e-mail to that friend again worked! He really appreciated my e-mail and wants to maybe talk on the phone about it soon (just easier for his schedule). And he said "We're definitely friends, LT," which meant a lot to me.

So, OK, I guess you really are helping me with my real life. Even if you seem clueless about some of the attachment stuff with you. MC seems to think you can handle it, that you can handle me (and he knows both of us!), and I just need to talk to you about it more. So, I'll keep trying as long as you're willing to keep trying, too (and, well, as long as you don't totally **** it up!)
LT

I had no idea that was a thing, thank you so much for suggesting it

Dear T,

You changed on me. It's a small change, miniscule really, but still, it's a change and I'm not sure I like it.

Please don't cancel on me tomorrow. I know it's snowing and they predict several inches of snow, but please come in tomorrow.
I watched a documentary tonight that brought up some really negative feelings in me. I need you.

This song brings so many feels for me. I want to share it with you. I know what I get from it is probably not what the artists were meaning to share from it, but it still gives me the feels.

Dear Info,

I’m having a lot of trouble recovering from today’s session. Nothing to do with you making a mistake or anything—you were honest, which was the right path to choose. I just can’t bounce back.

ATAT

Dear developmental clinician,

You were supposed to come yesterday. You said you’d be here between 12:30 and 1. 1:30 came and you still hadn’t arrived so I called your cellphone. You didn’t answer and I was going to leave a message but your voice mailbox was full. I called back at 2 and still no answer or ability to leave a message. Then you text me to say you are in a meeting. Hello, you are supposed to be here, tell me if you can’t come. Then I thought that perhaps you got confused because Monday was President’s Day and maybe you’d come today instead. It’s going on 2 and you’re not here. I guess I should try to call your office phone now and hope that voice mailbox isn’t full. This isn’t the first time you’ve done this either. This was supposed to be your last visit since you think I’m stable and this was supposed to be a short term treatment service. You gave me a worksheet that you wanted to do with me; half of me thinks I should just do it on my own. I would like to just write you off forever but you did say you were going to try to help me find a therapy group or some sort of long-term support in addition to my trauma t. So I would like to see you one more time to see if you know of anything since when I have looked on my own I haven’t been able to find anything appropriate for me. But I am beyond annoyed at this point because you are so unprofessional. As I’ve said, this wasn’t the first time this has happened. I think you yourself could use some therapy at this point. You better answer when I call you on your office phone.

Grrr,
Butterfly

Thanks for the funny text this am. It made my day great already

I feel a little deflated after today's session. The 10 connected minutes were great, especially the hug but the 50 not-connected minutes just feel like a waste. I guess I can glean some stuff from it though. Like how much of a teenager I became, folding my arms, being sarcastic at you and telling you I was bored. There's probably some useful information in that.
I felt I affected you when I said I love you. I would like to explore what occurred at the end of the session a little more next week.

@butterfly Maybe your trauma t could help you find a group or something instead?