[yang0868]

This post is a huge trigger. Don't say I didn't warn you guys. I want to know how many of you have a passive death wish? The reason why I'm asking this is my T seemed to be SO concerned that I have a passive death wish. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me at all. She asked "Is it because you don't value your life?" Duh!!! Of course I didn't say "duh" to T. I only said it in my head. She asked why I didn't value my life and man we dugged so deep into it that I cried so hard. Now I feel like I'm more messed up than I thought I was. I didn't think I was that sad. WTH? Now I can't stop crying. I feel like my life should be given to someone who would value it. I feel emotionally numb at times and I hate it so much. My interest in life has been severely lacking for almost ten years now. A life without much interest isn't a life worth valuing. So what's so wrong about having a passive death wish when I'm mentally tramatized and it's not like I chosed to be. It was inflicted upon me. I've tried to cope with it and it's been a tough battle.

[purplelephant]

You are far from alone. I also have a passive death wish and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I wish I had advice, but all I can say is that you are definitely not alone in this

mine's not so passive... lol no, seriously I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Last week my latest fantasy was to die a violent death by ... never mind. sigh... I'm just so sorry that you are suffering so much. I don't know you but hope I am sending you good energy.

[Focus62]

Sorry I'm rather naive, but what's a passive death wish? Like you're not actively planning your suicide, it's just a "I wish I would just die" kind of mentality? I'm sorry you're feeling that way, . I think your T is so concerned because they care about you and want to see you enjoying life of course! If my idea of what a passive death wish is, is correct, then I think your T would be concerned that it may turn into more active planning. I hope you talk to your T more about this, I know it's scary . You're doing good.

[rainbow_rose]

yang, no... you are not alone in this.

[unaluna]

I always think I have one, then I get like bronchitis, and I have to make a choice - go get antibiotics, or NOT? All of a sudden I don't have a passive death wish anymore, I have a pretty active "I want to stop coughing" life wish. When I jumped out of an airplane (many many years ago), my brother said, "Did you discuss this death wish with your T?" T and I figured out, it was my brother who had/has a death wish for me - this was on my bucket list before bucket lists were invented (3 down, 2 to go!). So make sure it's not your family projecting these feelings onto you, as mine were. It's not necessarily personal - it can be unresolved grief over other family members, a sibling, a parent, an ancestor that you may not even be really aware of, but we become the receptacle of these horribly negative, perhaps unconscious feelings. Not knowing where they come from makes them even more difficult to defend against. My brother knew the family stories, but being younger and a girl, I wasn't told, but the consequences were played out more on my neck, not his.

[yang0868]

Thanks all for your replies. The meaning of a passive death wish huh?

"A passive death wish exists when you prefer to be dead but you are unwilling to take active steps to bring this about."

It's not like I sit and think that I want to die or have fantasies about dying. Lately, it gets triggered by my surroundings. Like last week I witnessed my sister's n-laws in a heated arguement and her FNL said to her MNL "You don't love me? I'm going to kill all of you." It was a threat but I could care less. I was thinking "Go ahead if that will make you feel better and if that will make your anger go away. I could really care less." What I cared about was my sister's kids. They are all under the age of 7. I didn't want the kids to witness such F'ed up crap. I called sis up and asked her if I could remove them from the situation and she consented. I just wanted to protect the kids because they are extremely vulnerable. When it comes to me, I couldn't give a damn. I think this troubles T.

[yang0868]

Originally Posted by hankster

I always think I have one, then I get like bronchitis, and I have to make a choice - go get antibiotics, or NOT? All of a sudden I don't have a passive death wish anymore, I have a pretty active "I want to stop coughing" life wish. When I jumped out of an airplane (many many years ago), my brother said, "Did you discuss this death wish with your T?" T and I figured out, it was my brother who had/has a death wish for me - this was on my bucket list before bucket lists were invented (3 down, 2 to go!). So make sure it's not your family projecting these feelings onto you, as mine were. It's not necessarily personal - it can be unresolved grief over other family members, a sibling, a parent, an ancestor that you may not even be really aware of, but we become the receptacle of these horribly negative, perhaps unconscious feelings. Not knowing where they come from makes them even more difficult to defend against. My brother knew the family stories, but being younger and a girl, I wasn't told, but the consequences were played out more on my neck, not his.

Thanks Hankster. I have a strong feeling that it's from unresolved grief. I struggle with survivors guilt BIG TIME!!!! I hate grief. Why does loss have to exist? Maybe without it, we would not of appreciated the things we had.

definitely feel ya! car accident, road sink hole, earthquake anything i am not picky...
just wish it would hurry up!

[rainbow_rose]

i forgot this...

[yang0868]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

i forgot this...

rainbow rose . You've been SO sweet to me. Thank you.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by yang0868

I called sis up and asked her if I could remove them from the situation and she consented. I just wanted to protect the kids because they are extremely vulnerable. When it comes to me, I couldn't give a damn. I think this troubles T.

This is an extraordinary thing that you did for your sister's kids.

I have had a kind of passive death wish off and on over the past 20 years. Sometimes it's active too. I see it as a sign of defeat, of not wanting to trudge through the same **** day in and day out.

At the same time, a decision long ago to change careers helped to pull me out of a years-long severe depression (amongst other interventions). Finding a sense of purpose in life, no matter how small, is important. I hope that you were able to derive some sense of purpose from the protective, nurturing role you clearly played for your sister's kids.

[pbutton]

I totally get this.

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by yang0868

Thanks all for your replies. The meaning of a passive death wish huh?

"A passive death wish exists when you prefer to be dead but you are unwilling to take active steps to bring this about."

Well, that describes me pretty perfectly, so you're not alone. Sometimes it feels a little less passive, however, even in the best moments, the passive wish is there. I'm working on it though. Life is slowly getting better. I can't imagine not feeling this way...but who knows. That's the most positive I've been able to be about life in a long time. I'm so lucky T's put up with me long enough to get me to this point. Hopefully she's willing to put up with me for a bit longer. I am a bit of a slow mover!

[WikidPissah]

yes. I have the eternal back-up plan. Thankfully for the most part it stays on a back burner. I always have to have an exit sign in sight.

[2or3things]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

yes. I have the eternal back-up plan. Thankfully for the most part it stays on a back burner. I always have to have an exit sign in sight.

It's interesting to me that you put it exactly that way, Wiki..needing "an exit in sight." I was going through a rough patch for the past few months, and when things were at their worst, I definitely felt like I wanted my life to end. (And I felt like a coward because as much as I wanted it over, I couldn't do it.) My T said that I panic if I don't feel there's some escape available to me. She also said that, until I fence sui off as a possibility, I'll never be able to work through my issues. I guess if that sort of "escape" feels like an option, I can continue to avoid things. And I think that's true even if you have no intentions of actually following through on sui. Sometimes the feeling of "well, I'll always have X as a last resort" is enough, I think.

Anyway, when things were finally a little better, I told T that it's not that I want to kill myself...it's just that I want to die. She seemed a little pleased that I was making that distinction, at least.

I do want to say that I feel like it is possible to change one's attitude about it. The "fencing off" has been a good little image for me. I don't think the passive death wish is gone for me yet, and I'm sure it'll wax and wane when things are more or less difficult. Still, I feel it loosing it's grip on me somewhat.

Hang in there Yang. You're not alone!

[WikidPissah]

I always have my eyes on the exits irl. At the theater, the store, an event, a restaurant, someone's home...etc. I cannot sit or stand where I can't see the exit sign. It follows thru into my emotional life I guess.

[SpiritRunner]

This is something I can understand too. I remember T1 talking to me about it ..... just like there was a 'so what if something happens' attitude I had sometimes, where I might be driving along and so what if I was going too fast, had an accident and that was the story ...... It wasn't so much that I really wanted to die/be dead, but to be free from whatever this odd emotional life I was living was, it was a yearning for liberty/escape of some sort, I think.
I don't have it so much now ..... but sometimes I do think about it. Sometimes now it has to do with a mixed fear/curiosity about death and an anticipation of the unknown that is sort of painful to me, to be going about not knowing when the last moment might be .... and I think, oh, can't it just be over with already? But no, I am happy to be alive ..... it's just that there is that other that I have in me, too .......

[2or3things]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I always have my eyes on the exits irl. At the theater, the store, an event, a restaurant, someone's home...etc. I cannot sit or stand where I can't see the exit sign. It follows thru into my emotional life I guess.

Makes sense. For me it's about planning ahead for every possibile contingency and conversation, and never, ever depending on anyone for anything if I can help it. It's about not feeling trapped or indebted or whatever.

Blech.

Thoughts of death are as natural to me as water to the thirsty. T once said its me bargaining with life/fate. Its my get out clause.

[lostmyway21]

I understand this all to well, and have since I was about 15.

[KazzaX]

I have a passive death wish too. I'm not sure if I'm interpreting it right or not though. Passive as in I took up smoking to give myself cancer, and have been chainsmoking for years now. It takes wayyy longer to get bad health effects from smoking than I thought. I thought I would have been dead by now from smoking all these cigs. I also gave up exercising because I thought this, in combination with the smoking, would kill me (via heart disease, cancer, some sort of cardiovascular thing, something like that). Only now (6 years since i took up smoking and stopped the exercise) am i starting to have health effects from it. I also read that if you stop smoking, your psilia and lung function slowly comes back. I am quite bummed about this revelation, since they told us at uni that it was permanent damage. Maybe new research has come out about that or something. I was hoping it would be permanent.

I would describe this as a passive death wish because I am too much of a wuss to do it the proper way. So I thought "why not pick up a few bad habits, and go out that way". A lot less scary, thats for sure!

[Trippin2.0]

Have had a passive death wish since I was 15/16. It's not so passive right now tho...

[unaluna]

Came face to face with mine today, no sh it sherlock. i'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened, there was some language and or cultural issue going on. I was in my apartment pool in the far deep end, and at first this young couple were swimming together in the shallow end. then they moved to the deep end also, and it looked like they were dunking each other, but the girl was holding onto the side of the pool, and the guy started moving towards the center of the pool, then he started sinking. I asked the girl if he needed help, she said yes. I grabbed his hand, he jumped on me, then started pushing me under. i'm trying to get to the side of the pool, another woman jumps in, I go under again and i'm thinking, "is this how it ends, really? no, this is NOT how it ends! it's you or me, buddy, and I can't save you if I drown too" and I break free of him, and at that point, the other woman told me later, she had also been trying to break his hold on me, and so she pulled him to the edge, and then I was okay. but it was a freakin cl0se call. eerie to see him floating under water like that. then when he rushed up, it was just like in the movies. and i'm also thinking, as i'm going under, "oh yeah, so THIS is why they say don't try a water rescue if you don't know what you're doing, cos you'll both drown." you're supposed to pin the person's arm behind him so he can't fight you, now I know. i'll have to practice on T tomorrow. maybe now he'll agree to be my swim coach. I am oddly calm, I don't know if it's meds or if i'm just weird. I have historically been proven good in an emergency. so - passive death wish FAIL, once again.
ETA - yes, this is a repost, I had posted this earlier under my threatening call thread, but only one person responded. what does a girl have to do to get a little attention around here? honestly, I did not see a psychotherapy connection, I thought it was just about swimming. pretty dumb. then someone pointed one out to me.

[skycastle]

Originally Posted by hankster

Came face to face with mine today, no sh it sherlock. i'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened, there was some language and or cultural issue going on. I was in my apartment pool in the far deep end, and at first this young couple were swimming together in the shallow end. then they moved to the deep end also, and it looked like they were dunking each other, but the girl was holding onto the side of the pool, and the guy started moving towards the center of the pool, then he started sinking. I asked the girl if he needed help, she said yes. I grabbed his hand, he jumped on me, then started pushing me under. i'm trying to get to the side of the pool, another woman jumps in, I go under again and i'm thinking, "is this how it ends, really? no, this is NOT how it ends! it's you or me, buddy, and I can't save you if I drown too" and I break free of him, and at that point, the other woman told me later, she had also been trying to break his hold on me, and so she pulled him to the edge, and then I was okay. but it was a freakin cl0se call. eerie to see him floating under water like that. then when he rushed up, it was just like in the movies. and i'm also thinking, as i'm going under, "oh yeah, so THIS is why they say don't try a water rescue if you don't know what you're doing, cos you'll both drown." you're supposed to pin the person's arm behind him so he can't fight you, now I know. i'll have to practice on T tomorrow. maybe now he'll agree to be my swim coach. I am oddly calm, I don't know if it's meds or if i'm just weird. I have historically been proven good in an emergency. so - passive death wish FAIL, once again.

holy *****, hankster, what a story. you are brave.