Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I hope he says yes LT

saw a show last night that struck me hard

I'm thinking a lot about my CSA today

looking at how I just ultimately cope w it all

drugs.. Ed... psychosis...

I want to be healthy an free

but I'm scared.... I'm 31 years old. 31 years of this

can it change. maybe... probably. I'm just scared tho

I don't know what I want and I don't understand myself most of the time

I feel confused n sad. lost. and just.. apathetic

Your email was very kind and all but after reading it more times, I realize, it's really not. You are basically just pointing out the obvious, and there is nothing special I have with you. I am actually forgettable, it sucks but it's ok. I never have anything special with anyone.

I'm going to the park. I wish you could come with me.

Telling me that I you have just decided to stay with your bipolar husband of 36 years and I can have a bright future despite bipolar didn't do it for me last time we talked.

I think your objectivity and perspective of me might be tainted.

ETA:

d....
i want my

I need help really bad

What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can't I respect therapist boundaries?

I hope he says yes.

I have a chunk of rose quartz that I often bring with me to t and set it on the table between us to "charge" it. That's exactly what I call it, too. Charging it!

I talked with the kids' dad last night. It was actually a good talk. He's learning new things and taking good steps. I listened and I validated and affirmed, and I set aside my own sh#@ in order do that. Healing and stability are happening, and in that I am seeing the fruit of my choice to stay.

But...I know you said in response to my question that you believe that someday I will get a chance to speak to my pain and have it heard. I just let that go, because I didn't believe it then and I still don't believe it. How is someone who has erased the memories of his own actions, who has cast himself as a victim of the choices I made to protect myself, EVER going to hear how I've been harmed? I don't believe the time will eventually come or whatever you said.

F#$%

I'm glad I'm seeing you this week.

Hi t. I've been thinking a lot today about balance. At first, it was related to how I've really balanced my diet in a healthy way. That led me to think about maybe I just need a better balance of therapy and life. Right now the scales are tipping and therapy-heavy. I don't want to just quit though. I want it to feel more balanced with life in general. Let's talk about this. I think I'd like to try every 3 weeks or monthly for now? Can we do that?

T... I saw a woodpecker! Pretty cool eh?

...I miss you...

Are you okay?

It was really scary these past weeks (or however long it's been) that I have been distrustful of others. Again, you were right when you said that you didn't think things were going as badly as I thought they were. They weren't.

Things are going well, I am feeling so much better mentally.

Thanks! Yeah, I think I got the "charging it" thing from you or maybe another poster on here

hey ninja t:
this song in a couple places reminds me of therapy:
me

Yes. Thanks for asking.

Dear Piaf,

I really hope the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on today is due to withdrawal from tapering off Wellbutrin or end of term stress. Because the thought that things might be getting worse again is simply unbearable.

So much for my earlier optimism.

And as I get the feeling that you in your practicality are the kind of therapist who claps clients in the hospital first, asks questions later, I am not going to tell you if things really do get worse. I’ll use Info instead.

ATAT

I had a really bad night yesterday. I'm crying about wanting to go home but I read my old journal entries for the same date last year when I was home and it was the same as its always been, yet I'm still tired of being here.

I stopped studying pretty much since since I came back from the coffee shop at 12.30 and did nothing for the rest of the day.

Do you still exist?

Do you still think that I can get better?

Do you still like me? Or have you started dreading our sessions?

I already felt very low this morning. My mother called me.Then proceeded to ignore me on skype by talking to my sister and fiddling with a fan.

Child me cried angrily "Why do you even bother to call me when you don't talk to me.I want attention".

M: "you turn into such a b***"

I cut the call and blocked her.



EDIT: I sent you another cringey email,telling you I loved you. Please don't respond.

((Cake)) ((Lilana))

I dreamt about T1. It was a romantic dream. What the f*** does my unconscious think it's doing. Not cool.