Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

You're not real
Or
Nothing is real

I don't exist but I can feel. I'm a part of her mind. I'm tired
I don't know her, she called me miserable, I don't think she's great anymore, I don't know what to do

Guess what happened again last night?

I know this is such a bad idea. Like of all the people I could develop feelings for, this guy is THE WORST IDEA EVER because he is ZERO days sober AND has relapsed several times in the last few months, AND is in the same PhD program I’m in. We both have a **** ton of issues, and neither of us is in any place to be in a relationship.
But waking up in his arms, with him looking at me affectionately and then lazily cuddling and staying under the warm blankets and gently caressing each other before I finally had to get up to make it to my 9:30 meeting... that was nice and I can't help but want to wake up to that again.
Minus the part when he ran to the bathroom and started puking from the hangover/withdrawal.
God, I don't know which would be more embarrassing to talk about, the sex stuff or the fact that I have gross warm and fuzzy feelings. This isn't me. I haven't been in a relationship for 4 years because I don't fall for other people, they fall for me.

And do I even want to spend our time talking about this? Or the elephant in the room, i.e. the fact that last session I gave you writing explaining my attachment issues and that I had developed an attachment to you that was only going to get more intense and half expected you to terminate because of it and tell me I was pathetic and disgusting and too much to handle, oh and I spent the entire session on the floor hiding behind the chair because I couldn't even bear to look at you or be looked at by you while we talked about it.

I'm planning to start the session by asking you a personal question. If you've been in therapy, have you ever had to disclose or discuss something that invoked feelings of intense shame? I don't need any details, I just want to know if you know what it feels like.
Sometimes it feels like you think my shame is silly, but I'm not sure if that's just you trying to make me feel like you're not judging me and don't think I need to feel ashamed of these things, or if you truly don't understand the intensity and power of the feeling.

okay t,
I don't get it. And I am too afraid of being told to go away to ever ask. But here goes. You are out of town. I email you about a disturbing event involving my child. You offer a phone call or face time.

I am not nearly as unstable with Tuesday's event as I was during my most recent deep depressive episode. But then, when I asked for an extra session, I just got, no no appts available. But no offer for phone call.

Do you only offer phone calls when you are out of town? After the rejection of not getting an extra session, do I need to further shame myself by asking for a phone call? I've never asked for a phone call but you have offered. I almost wonder if I need to take up on on the offer to get permission to ask in the future.

The episode on Tuesday was upsetting but I feel like I have things under control and don;t need the extra support now.

It is all so confusing. My fear of rejection is so strong that it holds me back from asking a question in a space a generally feels is safe.

Dear T,
Why are you incapable of remembering my age? I feel like it comes up every couple sessions, yet you keep thinking I'm much younger than you than I am. I mean, unless you consider 6 or 7 years "much younger," but in our decade, I think that's pretty close.

Also, what was up with the "honey"??? And I think you used that a second time in session, too?

At least now I know you're pretty clearly a Democrat (or at least not a Republican--I suppose you could be an Independent or Green Party or something)--weird how you seemed so open about that today when you were so clearly evasive before.

Also confused by how you said it was OK to text you about that one thing when before you said texting was only for scheduling?

There was definitely some helpful stuff today, just...you seemed kinda odd.
Love,
LT

First pang of missing you. Nearly 36 hours after I saw you. That's got to be a record.

Thank you for saying you didn't forget about me. I didn't even ask. You just said it. I don't think you know how much I needed to hear that.

Life is hard right now. I know you can't do anything tomorrow to actually fix things, but if maybe you could perhaps try?

Dear Dr. S,

I don't know if I believe you anymore. I don't know how to believe you. I think I need you to not say the words right now. I'll see what the weekend brings.

I guess things are not shattered because I still feel the love for you. I don't feel safe saying it anymore - not to a living person. I so wish you'd email me.

-me

So t. That question you said you were thinking before I got there last week. It's been on my mind a good bit ever since! I can't stop over-analyzing it. What did you mean? Why didn't I already ASK you what you meant? Did you mean that in a good way because you enjoy working with me or in a bad way because you're sick of working with me? Do I make you feel like a failure because I'm still coming there after now going on 7 years?

Why didn't I also ask you for more details regarding your statement "We're on the right track" after discussing those, um, uncomfortable feelings I have?

Why haven't I emailed you yet?

My head is one big huge giant question mark tonight! Come on May 10th! I'm going to ask you all these questions and more. Be ready!

Dear Piaf, deep in your “completely inaccessible” subterranean cavern,

First thing I’m going to ask you next week is whether I can expect you to take three weeks off for every six you work. Because, first, I could use a therapist right now who has her feet on the ground, and second, I don’t talk to people, especially therapists, very easily, so it’s like six steps/weeks forward and three steps/weeks back.

Find any good mammoth cave art?

ATAT

I miss you. When we meet again are you going to be the real you or the distant, clinical you? *sigh* You sounded normal in your texts but I hate not knowing.....

If I tell you how bad & frequent my SH has been this week are you going to think I was doing it to manipulate you/for your attention? Was I doing it to manipulate you/for your attention? I don't think so, but I'm not sure.

'It's easy enough to talk about Blitz spirit, when you're not holding the roof up and knee deep in it....' - Frank Turner,'The Next Storm'

I was so tired after yesterday's session. On reflection, I think it's probably good that we aren't meeting next week, so I can gather my thoughts, and we can have a productive next session on the 17th.

It is hard not to play Pain Olympics in my own life. I need you to see me, and I know that you do, but one person with the full picture does not make a support system.

I dreamt about T1. Again. F*** off, f*** off, f*** off.

I see you today.

Dear T,
Thanks for your kind, introspective response to my e-mail (and very fast, too!) I think I'm so used how ex-MC was with such things that I'm sort of stunned when you seem truly apologetic and thoughtful about what I said and was feeling. And the fact that you'd admit that it's some of your issues coming out instead of just putting it all back on me. I mean, that's how a T *should* be, I suppose. And I have drastically lowered expectations because of my past. But still, it's nice that you not only meet but exceed them.
Love you,
LT
PS: You definitely don't seem "almost 50" to me!

What are you doing for the sunny bank holiday weekend? I hope you have fun. I miss you.

I would like to return this body to its owner, but I would miss you so much
(and I have no idea how to do it)
I love you

T, after a lot of thinking this week, my answer to that question you were thinking about:

Probably not. But let's talk about it. I wanna know what you think.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hi T

I'm not doing well with "only" seeing you once a week.

I won't do well with your upcoming 3 weeks of vacation either.

I'm way too attached to you.

T2,

Why couldn't you reply to my email? Now I have to wait until Thursday. If you're going to reply to my email. It would be the first time you ignore my email. It hurts. You don't understand it. You don't know how it is to be a client. You could have just sent a short email. Just a we can talk about in therapy would have been ok. Now I feel ignored. I feel like you don't me to be your client. Also you talking about me trying a new T. Ugh. You just don't want me as a client. Just be honest. Otherwise you would be my weekly T again. I really really hate you.

Please be good. I need something in my life good right now. Please.

What I worried about last night (work), wasn't an accurate take on the situation, so I felt better. THEN, I DID IT AGAIN. I felt like things were fine so I behaved in a fashion that everything was okay, and then I felt unwelcome. WTF? WHY can I not stop myself? You would think that the massive wave of shame I am subjected to when I think I'm nothing but an imposition would shape my behavior. One would think that my warnings to myself to NOT do this, to isolate, would actually help me or remind me not to do what I keep doing. WTF is this? I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo much shame. Embarrassment. I feel like everyone knows who I really am. Why am I being hijacked by that child part of me? HOW can this be me? Is this really going on?

Yo t. Our friend CG was so correct what he said about what is unconscious running our life. Holy freaking smokes.

I love this ****.