Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Thanks, LC. He responded a little bit ago (the "10%" is referencing the 10% weirdness of my holding the stone):
"Just got to my email today, so hopefully you didn;t think I was avoiding responding. All is well - we can talk more about the stone on Monday and perhaps I can better explain the 10%. Talking about it may help it less than that 10%, or perhaps help us understand why there is such strength in the talisman for you. Either way, on my end there hasn't been any threat to our working together. Hopefully you can get back to a nice weekend!"

How do you feel about his response?

Generally OK...but I'm also not sure that he understood quite how upset I was? I don't think he quite comprehends the stakes for me here, like how scary this is. I'm also not sure if he gets why I was so upset about the "10% weird" thing.

wow seriously **** you

you're at Disney world "I thought I told you"

**** off dude stop playing mind games with me

I can't believe you right now.

seriously just FXCK YOU

I'm so sorry, JD.

I want to come see you today.

But I will sit with this, do my own 'holding', it's not anything bad it's just uncomfortable to feel this younger part of me that's holding firmly onto you like a kid with my arms around your ankles crying "don't leave me don't leave me I'll never leave you I want to be with you forever I love you you're the only one who makes me feel like I am enough."

I had to feel way back and pretty deep to find that, t. Now I need to figure out how to just hold it and know it and accept it. And maybe, let it go? Can I let it go?

I love you and I really hope you are ok with 2 sessions in person this week, because Friday is gonna be hell for me and I need you I don't want my "fake" family around me pretending to care.

My mood's been crumbling since 2pm when I got home. I have 2 pharmacology seminars and 7 lectures left to go through, but haven't done anything for the past 7 hours other than stay in bed.

One call with my mother and I can get so mind numbingly angry.

You said I could email you today, but I haven't. I don't even know what I would even say. I went through my inbox and marked an old email as unread and flagged it, so it would still pop up the same way at the top. It was the one from February when I emailed you that I passed props of internal.

You don't deserve to be ignored.

So the first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning is check my emails. I usually get 8-10 overnight. Imagine my surprise when I saw an email reminding me of our appointment on Tuesday. Of course, it wasn't you doing it. Looks like the practice is using a new client management system. But most interestingly is that it seems like your availability is online. I'll never have to call you again, even for appointment rescheduling.

We should talk about this.

Just struggling! I think I'm epically failing right now..

I feel as if I have the weight of the universe on my shoulders. I hope I didn't do anything irreversible (computer). I feel so much dread and I just can't find my way past it. I feel like I am suffocating. I'm so tired of being negative, but it's how I feel right now. How do I make it past this without losing it? What do I do? I just can't do this.

It's that day. I am really struggling, and have no one to reach out to. I feel miserably alone, and I can't expect anyone to care. I'd reach out but you don't care. No one does.

I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive either.

hey t. i'm getting all kinds of opportunities to practice that emotional regulation stuff lately. like this morning. i got dressed and looked in the mirror. why do i keep doing that? i wanted to cry. i don't understand it. i almost started crying. i didn't, because i did some positive self-talk and took some deep breaths and reminded myself that i'm eating healthy, walking, drinking water all the stuff i'm supposed to be doing so whatever tricks my brain is playing on me are just that. tricks. i need to pay much more attention to how i feel.

oh hell. i'm failing. i'm going to cry anyway. wth is wrong with me?!

hey artie....i could really see a difference when you posted a photo a week or two ago. your brain is lying to you

tfw you know the ugly truth

There's nothing wrong with you Art.



I'm proud of all your hard work.Our brains take more time to adjust to things. Body weight fluctuates during the day and especially depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle if that's applicable. Do you have old pants you can try on just to feel the difference?

Am I in love with you? I don't think so. But the intensity of my feelings...I need a phrase that fits it. Just loving you doesn't cover it.

You said I could email this week. But I haven't even though I'm crying right now. I just feel so sad. Why is this whole father's day thing getting to me so much? I read a thread on another forum about a father taking his ex wife to court, because she has stopped access to his daughter for the past three weeks. And it made me think my father would never do that. "I'll marry another woman and she'll give me real kids".

That is the cutest darn brain i have ever seen! Altho the last frame is a little scary

Had a really emotional moment related to you today, I'd love to tell you but no use in making a complete idiot of myself. I already know I would be rejected and no thanks to more of that.

I'm not sure if you're my therapist or my ex therapist now.

I'll try to figure things out and do the right things tomorrow.

When I asked if you'd care if you never heard from me again you said it would upset you. Part of me wants to not contact you for a week or something to not seem desperate and to make you worry. That would be childish though.
I'm holding off on canceling my ongoing weekly appointment with your office in case you're willing to continue seeing me. I kind of feel pathetic and desperate for that.

When I contact you it's going to be via email or a letter dropped off at your office. I don't think I could handle talking to you on the phone right now.

When I say "Why wouldn't you continue seeing me while I'm doing DBT?" what I'm really asking is if you'd be willing to do so, but I need for you to offer because I can't bring myself to ask directly. I hope you'll understand what I'm really asking.

I really do believe you that you care and you're not intending to abandon me. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

Dear Ex-MC,
Thanks for responding to my e-mail. I'm not sure how to feel about your response. Because you basically said it's because I told you I love you that you decided to tighten boundaries. I mean, yes, you said you should have tightened them before, but...

And the "good luck in the future" is hard to hear...because it seems so final. I wish you had said we could come back anytime, even though you said that at termination. And saying you enjoyed working with us...again if feels so final. I know I was the one who terminated, but...
At least I see T tomorrow! Not that I don't have plenty of other things to talk to him about....
LT
PS: On a more compassionate note, I hope you and your kids are dealing with Mother's Day OK.