Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Hi t. In retrospect, you're right, you are allowed to giggle. Because you were wearing a color that wasn't black. And I understand what that meant, now, since you finally fessed up as to why you always wear black. So thank you.

We should be talking right now, but instead, I'm waiting for the bus to class.

Dear T,
Thanks for being understanding and accepting about the thing I shared regarding you today. You still made me nervous by saying it was on the borderline of what felt OK to you. But then you made up for that with lots of reassurance that you weren't upset and your parting words of "All is well" with a smile and eye contact. And I appreciate you saying that it was OK if I sent you an e-mail later if I was still feeling uneasy (which, I still might...) I think you have a better understanding now of my intense fear of abandonment, since it played out there in front of you, firsthand. So...I guess that could be good therapeutically, like you have a better sense of what you're dealing with, here. (And I'm sure it's glaringly obvious that I'm quite attached at his point...)
Love you,
LT

ooh, what is the reason?

I don't know if I can do this. Please help me!

I hate that I didn't get to see you today.

pdoc,

I feel deeply disturbed by what we talked about today. Writing down session notes makes me cringe.

Disturbed. Seriously disturbed. I didn't want you to know those things and I don't think it's ok that you already knew about them when I walked into your office today, without me having any control over it.

I am going to empower myself if it kills me. I want to not care how others react/don't react to me, but it feels emotional like other things. I thought H didn't want to be around me anymore. I asked and it wasn't so. I now think that maybe you are irritated with me, although you sent me a kind text. I appreciated the reassurance. I am having daily episodes either at work or at home. I hope you don't give up on me because I am not getting better enough in a certain time frame.

I think that me realizing what is going on as far as the negative emotions is a huge improvement from the past. And the fact that I am seeking to communicate with others (H) to test to see if my negative emotions are right or not. So far, not. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. ?

You said "we both know I exist", but that's not true. You don't exist for 167 hours a week. You were there with me yesterday while I read that message but you weren't here for me today. Knowing how much you helped me last night just made it even harder to do it without you. I miss you. I love you. I hate you. I just want to disappear.

I wonder why I have nightmares about you not existing?

Oh right, because you don't f***ing exist.

JunkDNA, Reaching out through the molecules of internet air to say I hope you are okay. Feel worried and wish I could somehow help. Please be well, please be safe

It doesn't matter that you won't tell me why you're out next week because I ALREADY KNOW WHY. I hate you, you asshole.

J/K love you hehehe

allow this to be the drunk text I can't send you.

Plus your haircut is really ugly. I feel bad for her.

Thanks for standing in the door to your office the whole time until I left... it was nice to be able to look at you when I finally managed, and if you would not have stood there, I think I would have felt very alone.

Thanks for the video chat today, was really nice. I'm so glad you were not phased by me writing ILY in my letter. I really do love you. It's still weird for me to say but it's very true. I miss you. I hope this weekend hurries. I want to hug you again soon

It was really interesting to be in my creatives group after our conversation about groups in general. I don't think you so much made a suggestion as I wondered if I could do it differently.

One thing I realize with this group issue, is that I have changed the way I think about my presence and the impact I have on other people. I used to worry that I was like poison, that I negatively harmed everyone I come into contact with and now I'm able to acknowledge the positive, what I have to offer. Doesn't mean that everyone likes it, or me, but that's not what I'm trying to accomplish. You can say stuff but it doesn't mean people want to hear it, and that's their right, it doesn't change the value of what I said or what I have to offer.

So the idea that I don't have to change the dynamics of the group (as if I could, but not trying to make it into my idea of what it should be is a positive step), to just be okay with what the others around the table do and say. That it's possible to get something out of the group without trying to influence anyone else's behavior.

I still think it's okay to want to impact people in a positive way, and with critique among the creatives, I've seen this happen frequently. I can impact people and move them forward in their craft in small ways. I feel good when this happens. I feel good when people acknowledge this. But my own creative work and what I can learn from the group process is why I'm there, and I don't want to be stuck on how I may or may not be useful to other people.

So I put this idea of "letting it be" in my group into practice this week. There were about 5 fewer people in the group than last week, and I felt more comfortable. Had a little more elbow room around the table. Maybe my personal space issues play into how I relate to a group. It also wasn't quite as hard to get the floor to speak. I noticed the dynamics that bugged me and thought about critiquing the critique, but resisted that impulse. Other people can just say what they want to say and I'm not going to pile on.

I think I'm just someone who sees things differently than a lot of people, in more than one context. We talked a bit about how the unique speciality of my work has changed my worldview. Maybe I'm becoming just a teeny bit more comfortable with being different or an outsider or marginalized within my larger profession. Maybe it's the best thing about me. And accepting that makes participating in a group just a lot more comfortable, especially if I can just let the group be without being frustrated about what it's doing and whether or not I agree with that.

I still think the usefulness of the creatives group is an open question. I think that when I'm doing the work, feedback on it is not always useful at every stage. I may be at that stage where I just need to focus and even participating in the critique of others' work has a much slower learning curve.

This last session, by the way, felt very "grown up" in the sense that I felt able to talk honestly and openly about something I think is negative, even shameful about me, and have the distance to stay centered and imagine doing something in a different way. I like this curious, explorative place in my life right now. It's hopeful and feels like growth, as if I'm becoming what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Dear T,

I was called a b**ch again when I called home when I felt low. Kinda wished I never bothered in the first place.

I bet you would laugh if I told you I was counting down the hours.

>72 hours.

We went to a food festival today. I had flashbacks and overall jumpy reactions to everything. I felt like I was in huge danger the whole time. And then there's also being in pain and not knowing what it might be til Monday or Tuesday...

T2,

Why couldn't you reply to my email yesterday. I had send it the day before. You had the whole day. But you chose to ignore me. Was is because I was a bit angry or confronting? You said I could email you. You said you could handle me being angry. Your a T, you should be able to handle it. I wasn't being rude. I just expressed my feelings.Maybe you have enough of me and my problems. I can't help that it still bothers me. It had a huge impact on me. And we never really talked it out. You aren't open about it. Maybe you are too unexperienced.

But it isn't fair too ignore me. Now I have to wait until Tuesday, if you ever going to reply to me. It's easy for you. It's only your job. You have a good life. For me, I'm now worried you're ignoring me and you don't want me as a client.

I don't feel like I get the right therape at that practise. You aren't really my T anymore. T1 is kind and a good T. But I don't feel you 2 are taking me serious. Like I should already be over with this stuff. I need help. But you don't seem to know how to help me. Or how I can help myself.

Maybe it's better to quit therapy. I'm now worse than when I started.

I decided to ask for something next session! Probably the wrong timing and probably going to get told no, but it's a good step asking right?!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. The anxiety made me do it. Please don't hate me.

Dear T1,

Does it bothers you that I talk so much about T2? It's just that what happened with her still hurts me. I'm still not over it. I wrote to you that I actually want her as my T. I like you more, you're a better T, how you are in the T-client relationship fits me better, You are open, honest. But I still miss T2. Is this why you haven't replied to my email? I feel a but guilty. You are so good to me, but I still want that lying ***** as T. I'm so messed up.

I feel so lonely. I've lost my trust in T's.

Two years tomorrow since the discovery...five more sleeps.

See you soon...

Thank you......

<3 hope you are feeling better.