[ScarletPimpernel]

I could really use some support. I've had a very hard week with my H and sister, and this week is going to be hard because I have a lot of doctors appointments.

So my T went on vacation 2 weeks ago. She told me not to have contact with her. I thought it was because of what happened during her Europe vacation (she was supposed to contact me, but her friends place didn't have internet, plus a terrorist attack happened which freaked me out). Or I thought it was because of the hard thing she went through about 2 months ago. But she says she will no longer contact me when she's on vacation. She says it's not personal, but she just wants to get away from work.

I'm taking it very personal. I feel like I'm being punished. She told me that I'm the only client who she had contact with during vacations. So it's me she wants to get away from. I'm a burden, I'm just her job, and she doesn't care. She doesn't seem to care how much this hurts me.

It's not fair when a T changes boundaries on you.

[unaluna]

My initial reaction is, its not you, its your sister. YOU are the one with a commitment to her, she knows she can trust you, but she doesnt have that deal with your sister. Thats why you are exactly correct when you say your sister needs a t. Your sister is accountable to no one. You and your t ARE accountable to each other, but your sister is not part of the deal. So its like shes saying, you cant change boundaries on her either (to include your sister). KWIM? (My first thought about this).

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by unaluna

My initial reaction is, its not you, its your sister. YOU are the one with a commitment to her, she knows she can trust you, but she doesnt have that deal with your sister. Thats why you are exactly correct when you say your sister needs a t. Your sister is accountable to no one. You and your t ARE accountable to each other, but your sister is not part of the deal. So its like shes saying, you cant change boundaries on her either (to include your sister). KWIM? (My first thought about this).

? I only mentioned my sister in the first paragraph. The thread is about my T and her changing boundaries; nothing with my sister.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

? I only mentioned my sister in the first paragraph. The thread is about my T and her changing boundaries; nothing with my sister.

I know, but your t knows that your sister is unstable right now. Im saying, maybe shes drawing the boundary because of your sister. If your sister were COMPLETELY stable, your t wouldnt draw the line. She trusts you with her vacation but she doesnt trust your sister not to mess it up.

When my mother died, my t was leaving for vacation like the next day or two. He was not going to be available to be contacted for the funeral. I was like, ten years we've been well not exactly waiting for this day, but ya know. It was okay. Hes in my head. You know your t is there for you.

[velcro003]

I don't think she suddenly was like "Ughhhh, Scarlet is SO annoying! I must end all contact!" Where it is more like she wants to be able to completely relax and enjoy her vacation. I mean, you could still email right? She just might not read it until she goes back.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs...this seems like a very bad time for her to be away with no contact. When does your T return from vacation?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I don't think she suddenly was like "Ughhhh, Scarlet is SO annoying! I must end all contact!" Where it is more like she wants to be able to completely relax and enjoy her vacation. I mean, you could still email right? She just might not read it until she goes back.

Yes, I can still call and email, she just won't read/respond until she gets back. But she's always allowed me to have contact. It's so hard to go without contact.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hugs...this seems like a very bad time for her to be away with no contact. When does your T return from vacation?

My T returned last Thursday. I saw her today.

I thought the no contact was just for this last vacation, not for all vacations.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I talked to T on the phone. I'm still taking it personally. She told me I don't have to worry about it right now because she's not planning on going anywhere anytime soon. But the emotions are here now. I feel betrayed. I feel punished.

[Polibeth]

I totally understand your feelings, however, I can also see your T's point of view.

I work in a "helping" profession (law enforcement, not therapy) and I used to respond to every last email, voicemail, etc while on vacation. Now I just want to unplug and unwind and not think about any co-workers, clients, etc. Sometimes I moonlight as private security for people - I have this one particular client who has a family filled with drama - they all have restraining orders against each other and it can get confusing about who can go where and when and who else can be there. The police ended up at every family function until they started hiring me. Unfortunately, they had a family death the last time I was on vacation and they desperately needed me provide a security presence at the funeral. I didn't answer even though my client called me tons of times. I felt bad about it but I would still do the same thing over again. It was absolutely nothing to do personally with my clients but more about restoring my sanity with some off time.

Sorry, it's a long-winded way of saying that I think it's about your T needing to have some true time off of work and not in anyway about you.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Polibeth

I totally understand your feelings, however, I can also see your T's point of view.

I work in a "helping" profession (law enforcement, not therapy) and I used to respond to every last email, voicemail, etc while on vacation. Now I just want to unplug and unwind and not think about any co-workers, clients, etc. Sometimes I moonlight as private security for people - I have this one particular client who has a family filled with drama - they all have restraining orders against each other and it can get confusing about who can go where and when and who else can be there. The police ended up at every family function until they started hiring me. Unfortunately, they had a family death the last time I was on vacation and they desperately needed me provide a security presence at the funeral. I didn't answer even though my client called me tons of times. I felt bad about it but I would still do the same thing over again. It was absolutely nothing to do personally with my clients but more about restoring my sanity with some off time.

Sorry, it's a long-winded way of saying that I think it's about your T needing to have some true time off of work and not in anyway about you.

That makes me feel like I'm just a job. Like I'm a burden. It's not fair to give something to someone, and then take it away.

[Polibeth]

I was aiming to make you feel better but since I have zero attachment or abandonment issues and I don't really care if I'm just a job to my T, I will refrain from other examples I thought of.

I am 100% certain, however, that the evidence shows your T cares about you and your well-being very much.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

That makes me feel like I'm just a job. Like I'm a burden. It's not fair to give something to someone, and then take it away.

I get that feeling completely. Feeling like a job and being a burden is something I have struggled with too. Is that something you could discuss with your therapist? I think I finally understand that I'm not a burden to mine. He's had to tell me several times that I'm not and there are still times when I feel that way, but it was always worth it to discuss those feelings with him.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

That makes me feel like I'm just a job. Like I'm a burden. It's not fair to give something to someone, and then take it away.

I hear you. T took away reassuring me, took away "always replying to emails after I move"... I'm always afraid she'll take away more things.

Especially since she always said she won't take away things because she knows it hurts, and that I'd taken pains to check that she's really OK with XYZ hoping to ensure she wouldn't take them away...

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. While we know they need to unplug and rest etc, it hurts that people in her personal life don't have these limits...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I get that feeling completely. Feeling like a job and being a burden is something I have struggled with too. Is that something you could discuss with your therapist? I think I finally understand that I'm not a burden to mine. He's had to tell me several times that I'm not and there are still times when I feel that way, but it was always worth it to discuss those feelings with him.

Yeah, I tell her everything. I've been with T for 3 years now. But I can't seem to feel 100% secure with her. Something always happens that makes me doubt her. Yes, every single problem has been resolved thus far. But still I worry. This is the second time in 3 years that she changed a boundary on me. First time was in the beginning. She told me to call her every time I wanted to SH. Well back then it was daily. That of course didn't work for her, so we changed that. That was understandable. For some reason this isn't understandable to me.

Eta: I do understand wanting to get away from work. But emotionally, I then feel like I'm just her work. Emotionally, I'm not understanding.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I hear you. T took away reassuring me, took away "always replying to emails after I move"... I'm always afraid she'll take away more things.

Especially since she always said she won't take away things because she knows it hurts, and that I'd taken pains to check that she's really OK with XYZ hoping to ensure she wouldn't take them away...

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. While we know they need to unplug and rest etc, it hurts that people in her personal life don't have these limits...

My T knows one of my fears is her punishing me. I don't really know where that comes from. She knows too that I'm really sensitive to change. 3 years, and now she changes the boundary?! It's not fair. I feel like I can't trust her. Like she's not stable. And I worry what else she will take away/change.

[unaluna]

Well, people only take their tightest inner circle with them on vacation, or live with them, or are otherwise intimate with them. To declare yourself "just her job" - you dont really know where you stand outside that innermost circle. Maybe your position hasnt changed, just the attributes of that circle have changed. That is, you are still just as close, but the circle is a different color.

[satsuma]

Scarlet, I hear what you're saying. I know that it is quite reasonable, and important, for Ts to need to take a break. It is the change from doing something for you (having contact) to then not doing it which is bound to have an impact. I would also feel upset and destabilised by something like this.

I know there have been other things you posted about this T where I thought that I wouldn't be able to work with her, that her approach wouldn't work for me personally, but I think you were very clear that you thought this T was a lot more helpful than other Ts you had seen and that her approach was working for you. I'm just mentioning it because it might be helpful to bring to mind that "big picture". Is this a "rough moment" with a T who has helped you make real strides forward with the issues you wanted to address. Or is it a T relationship that is not really working for you overall.

I'm sorry you had this upsetting thing and I hope you can take good care of yourself

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by satsuma

Scarlet, I hear what you're saying. I know that it is quite reasonable, and important, for Ts to need to take a break. It is the change from doing something for you (having contact) to then not doing it which is bound to have an impact. I would also feel upset and destabilised by something like this.

I know there have been other things you posted about this T where I thought that I wouldn't be able to work with her, that her approach wouldn't work for me personally, but I think you were very clear that you thought this T was a lot more helpful than other Ts you had seen and that her approach was working for you. I'm just mentioning it because it might be helpful to bring to mind that "big picture". Is this a "rough moment" with a T who has helped you make real strides forward with the issues you wanted to address. Or is it a T relationship that is not really working for you overall.

I'm sorry you had this upsetting thing and I hope you can take good care of yourself

Thank you. You're right. It's the change, not the actual fact she wants her vacation to herself. Logically, I get that she needs time away from work. I mean, she deals with people's problems all week long. I could barely stand my sister for 2 days. And I know my T loves her job and she cares about me. If she didn't care she wouldn't have allowed contact during vacations the past 3 years, and she probably wouldn't have given me the stuffed animal. And she originally wanted to fully terminate at 2 years, but we're at 3 years now and she says she won't leave me. You're right that she has helped me a ton. Without her, I don't think I'd be alive. And I'm stronger because of her. I wouldn't have been able to set boundaries with my sister this week.

It just hurts real bad. And it still feels personal since I'm the only client that got this "perk" and then it taken away. If all her clients had contact with her when she's on vacation, and then all of us had it taken away, then it wouldn't feel like it's me. But it is me. She doesn't want to take her work on vacation, and I was the only work she had on vacation. Therefore it is personal. So it's not just the change that's upsetting, it's that I'm the only one getting punished.

Just an added note: I'm safe. I no longer have SH or SUI thoughts thanks to my meds and my T. And I've been pretty good at staying calm nowadays. I have been crying on and off since my session. But I'm okay. Still plan on going through my not so much fun week ahead of me.

[Amyjay]

I would guess this triggers a really old feeling within you about being a burden or unimportant. These feelings are huge, I can tell they are overwhelming you right now.

From an outside perspective I can see why T has decided she isn't going to do work related things on her vacations any more. I can tell that it isn't about you, it's about her creating a boundary between her work and her personal life.

This triggers something huge in you. All these feelings about being a burden, not really being worth anything to someone, not even worth caring about.

This isn't about your T or her vacations, although that is the trigger that has tapped into the well of these worthless feelings. But these feelings are not "just" about T and her vacations. These feelings are about all the times you have felt you are a burden or unimportant or a nuisance or an inconvenience to other people throughout your whole life... when you were 3, when you were 4 and 6 and 10 and 15 and 23. All of the times.
Its just that they are all focused on the thing that triggered them up "now".

[Middlemarcher]

I’m sorry that your T changed the boundaries on you. I think that when Ts loosen what is normally a boundary for them, they should consider whether or not it’s something that they can sustain in the long term. But I suppose that your T usually doesn’t operate long term anyhow.

I wonder if it would help at all to try to shift your focus and think of the boundary exception that she made (allowing contact on vacations) as what was personal, and not the change back to her usual. Since you were her only client that she allowed this for, it was literally personal, a gesture meant just for you. Now she’s just going back to her normal, and that doesn’t have to do with anyone but her. I know that rationality and reason doesn’t always help in times like this, though.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I would guess this triggers a really old feeling within you about being a burden or unimportant. These feelings are huge, I can tell they are overwhelming you right now.

From an outside perspective I can see why T has decided she isn't going to do work related things on her vacations any more. I can tell that it isn't about you, it's about her creating a boundary between her work and her personal life.

This triggers something huge in you. All these feelings about being a burden, not really being worth anything to someone, not even worth caring about.

This isn't about your T or her vacations, although that is the trigger that has tapped into the well of these worthless feelings. But these feelings are not "just" about T and her vacations. These feelings are about all the times you have felt you are a burden or unimportant or a nuisance or an inconvenience to other people throughout your whole life... when you were 3, when you were 4 and 6 and 10 and 15 and 23. All of the times.
Its just that they are all focused on the thing that triggered them up "now".

Yes, I can see that. It's also about change and learning to cope with it. I don't cope with change well.

About my past: my parents neglected me, people abandoned me, others used me, and only a few people were there for me. I wrote a list once of everyone who has done me wrong. It was over 50 people. I know, I should have made a list of everyone who has done right by me. But for my isolated life, 50 is a lot.

Part of all of this, which is the part my T says I'm worrying about too early, is that I don't know how I'm going to survive week to 2 weeks vacations. This last time, because of how she set it up, I wasn't able to talk to her for 10 days. That was really hard for me. My T thinks it's better to have these reactions towards her than having a reaction to her not being able to contact me during a vacation. She's trying to make it seem like this is better for me. It's not.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

I’m sorry that your T changed the boundaries on you. I think that when Ts loosen what is normally a boundary for them, they should consider whether or not it’s something that they can sustain in the long term. But I suppose that your T usually doesn’t operate long term anyhow.

I wonder if it would help at all to try to shift your focus and think of the boundary exception that she made (allowing contact on vacations) as what was personal, and not the change back to her usual. Since you were her only client that she allowed this for, it was literally personal, a gesture meant just for you. Now she’s just going back to her normal, and that doesn’t have to do with anyone but her. I know that rationality and reason doesn’t always help in times like this, though.

I understand, but this is a hard one to accept. I've been thinking that if the decision to contact me during a vacation was the personal part, and she took it away, maybe she'd be willing to replace it with something else? Like maybe another transitional object? Or what I'd love but am pretty sure she'll say no to, is giving me something that actually belongs to her, and I either take care of it while she's on vacation or I can just keep it. Ex-T did that for me. When she'd go on vacation or if I was going to have a hard week, she'd lend me a book of hers.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

That makes me feel like I'm just a job. Like I'm a burden. It's not fair to give something to someone, and then take it away.

I'm sorry you're hurting. It may not FEEL fair, but it is fair. For example, I could give someone consent to have an intimate relationship with me, but I also reserve the right to take that consent back at anytime. And it wouldn't necessarily be that I'm saying "no" to the other person, but rather I'm saying "no" to the activity. Can you see the parallels?

[Erebos]

I totally don't think this us personal at all.
When I worked in rescue it took ALOT for me not to take my work home. And sometimes I did literally, like hand feeding new born raccoons every two hours.

I was extremely invested in my work and it took very little to remind me of all the animals I had that were my responsibility.

When I went on holiday, one tiny text message asking where the tack room keys were could send me into a spiral of thinking "I knew I shouldn't have gone away, I knew something awful would happen, I knew they wouldn't cope. Etc etc."
Even though we had plans for every eventuality. Then I would spend the rest of the holiday ruining for my partner and kids by checking my phone and email every 10 mins.

It wasn't about the one person who called or tested it was about the cascade of worry and stress I would put on myself because I feLt I wasn't doing my job properly.

But I needed those breaks, animal rescue is hard heartbreaking and often unappreciated.After 8 months back to back I needed 2 weeks with my kid and fella.

I imagine therapy often feels the same, (not from you OP, I just mean in general.) I mean I imagine it's hard not to take it home, to never really feel you can let people go.

I hope the rest of your appointments aren't too stressful, just be gentle with yourself.