Couch 172: Couch me if you can

Went to Pride. So healing to be in a park with friends filled with affirming people. So much less lonely. The whole place was filled. Hugged someone teaching everyone how to sign "I love you." Met acquaintances of friends and friends of theirs. Shouted and sang and pumped fists together during speeches and declarations calling for decriminalisation and equal rights and legal protections. So much grief later though, since my family of origin will never be affirming. I have to sneak out of the flat and change clothes to go etc.

Yes I was stupid for coming back- I wanted to stay longer until sunday the 29th because I wanted to spend time with my sister, so i left buying the ticket back for the 25th so it's gone up by £20.

(((Scarlet)))

(((Lemoncake)))

(((QM)))

Heading out to Madera Canyon with h, looking forward to it!

((((QM))))
((((Lemoncake))))
Have fun Art!

I think my fears that I had during my week off where I kept thinking I was going to get fired have just been proved irrational. My boss just texted me and asked me if I would be willing to do occasional weekend nights-Like once in a blue moon. My guess would be that if she was going to fire me she would not ask me if I want more work. She just texted to ask if I can do next Saturday night.

My brain is so crazy sometimes.

I just spent time yesterday with a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old.

I'm pretty sure the 3-year-old totally fired me from any job involving kids that I could possibly be considered for, like ever.

I was told I could neither read nor play nor do anything helpful for her. All while being subjected to more noise than my eardrums could handle courtesy her and her brother, making conversation pretty much impossible.

Good thing they are super cute or I'm not sure how I could bear any more of it. As it is, I high-tailed it out of there.

I have serious respect for people who know how to handle children.

Just seriously. It seems like an arcane mystery and I'm left staring wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing.

But I bet you are amazing in your own profession. You just got an offer you couldn’t refuse.

Trust me you did a brave thing there taking care of a 3 and 1 year old. That is not easy. The twin boys I am nanny for are 20 months old. I can barely keep up.

Now you know how Blondie feels.

The 3 year old’s assessment of my (in)capability was spot on.

So....

That has way more to do with the three y.o. being three than your capability.

They’re delightful, but very...three.

Maybe we should only let kids under 18 vote. I imagine the 3-year-old lobby could be a very powerful one.

(On dystopia in general, I finally read Fahrenheit 451 yesterday.)

My relief was very short lived. I was having a conversation with my sister about how now I thought my fear was irrational but then we got into talking about the difference I feel in the dynamic. I told my sister while I did not hurt the kids and they did not cry-I thought I was less than patient with them last week. I gave her some examples of things that went on and why I may feel that way. She told me she don’t know-if my gut feels that strongly and if they feel I could of handled things differently last week-then maybe I should be worried. I guess I’ll build a profile on the main site where I go to find my nanny jobs and apply to a few people just Incase.

Yeah the leg pain is the only thing. It was off and on yesterday. It seems to hurt more today. Who knows. Maybe it’s just anxiety. Maybe it’s a tumor. I don’t want to go to the doctor though.

Maybe you just need a new or different pair of shoes. That makes a difference for me. Exactly where in your leg does it hurt? Do you stand at your job a lot? Also my leg would sometimes hurt when i ovulated. I would think there a lot of things to consider before a tumor or conversion disorder. Check the wear pattern on the bottom of your shoes, is it even?

I think your sister is full of carp. It is okay to have an off week or two, especially working with such young children. If your boss just texted you asking you to work some weekend nights it seems clear she isn't going to turn around tomorrow nad be like "You are fired." It seems to me it means that she wants you to work more...bc she and the kids love you.

I agree with this.

I'm back from hiking. H and I had a really good time actually, we went to breakfast on the way to the canyon and talked more about the whole therapy deal and him being frustrated with me over going and stuff and the fight we had recently, he said he told me this before but I don't remember him saying it that he isn't going to make the decision for me, that he wants me to do what I need to do, that he was so frustrated because I always do what I think he wants me to do instead and then end up regretting it later and he wants me to make my own decision about it for once and do what I need to do and said he is not going to tell me what to do. He said the only reason he threatened to leave was because he had to do something to shock me into actually making a decision. I don't know if I buy that last part. But it was a really good, and felt like an honest talk, and we talked more while we were driving too, and after what he said about me always doing what I think he wants me to do, which is true, I told him what t said about me being codependent and how I found that meeting I'm going to later today, and about the book I'm reading, and as I described it a little he said that does sound like you, said it's a really good idea, and I told him that I trust t a lot and talked more about the going weekly for 3 months thing and told him that part of me wants to and part of me doesn't, but that I'd figured out that the part that doesn't is partly scared of diving that much deeper into my 'stuff'. He said "I'm not going to leave if that's part of what you're worried about." I confirmed that yes it is. And told him that I am going to do it, the weekly for 3 months thing if t is still willing, as long as we are setting that time limit on it. He also said the fact that she offered me a reduced rate should show me that she's not doing it just for the money if she was she'd ask me to pay her new rate, not a reduction of the old rate I'd been paying, he said if I was questioning her motives.

ETA here: I began really really seeing how this codependency thing can mess with your mind. Damn.

Now that I've bored everyone to tears haha next up: pics from Madera Canyon this morning.

yours truly

(((Artie))) He would be a fool to leave a woman who makes gnocchi!!

Eta - i didnt know you had actual greenery out there!