Couch 172: Couch me if you can

Good grief RR, where do you live? Wasn’t there an incident not long ago where police were going to question you on what happened?
AH, there’s probably a drug house on my block to and I just don’t know it!

I had plans that I was excited about tonight. They were cancelled.
My stepmom texted and told me that my dad is having more complications from surgery.
It's raining, and I hate the rain.

And R who is your T is located in your school area?

I would find i had enough in common to relate to their situations, and it would give me a perspective on mine. Like, it was easier for me to think, "oh, he is SO lying to YOU, why cant you SEE?" or whatever, and then you see why she cant see, and then you see what you couldnt or wouldnt see in yourself. And why your t couldnt just poke it out of you.

I know, i talk too much!

R also lives in London, but i'm more centeral whilst he's in the east, so he is an hour away from me. I see him on skype during term time and only in person when I go back. Last session was the first time I've seen him in "real life" since september. It really does feel different- in person i feel more exposed, but it was calmer and nice just to really be there with him.

Good memory--yes! There was a death outside my home last month. Today, after the early morning arrest, I left and came back, my was blocked by first responders tending to a guy who regularly wanders around drunk, asking people for help, so they call 911. Sometimes, during a bad patch, it's is daily with him, but average is a couple times a month.


This used to be a sweet, boring little town, but it's seriously tanked in the last couple of years. I chalk it up to people not being able to afford to live. All the money floats up, people get hopeless and desperate, lose their homes, seek relief from the pain, rob and thieve because they have no choice. Someone talked about poor houses here the other day. I think of jails as the modern day equivalent. A lot of people stuck there because they can't afford bail or good representation.

And then there are those that are just utterly reprehensible bullies and bad people. I have definitely noticed an uptick in bad behavior, road rage and bullying by white guys since he who shall not be named took over.

But--back to the drug houses. A lot of my neighbors keep a good watch. Many take license plate numbers of "customers" and report them to LE, which works to drive out the dealers, but it takes a long time.

Whisper, 5 is lucky in Asian cultures. But there are other cultures that believe 8, or any number that uses an 8, is lucky. Could you just change the bad number to an 8? When I was in an Asian culture, the bicycle I was given had the number 1(x) on it. I told the man that it was an unlucky number for Westerners. He took out a Sharpie pen and changed the number to 18!

I didn't have anything in common with the group I tried. It happens. I think it is fine to seek a group that's a good fit, or at least not a horrible fit.

Thanks rr. I like that plan - to think of it as psych class assignment. Or hey, even as research for a story. I can do that.
Reading the first chapter of this book I bought they might as well have just put my name at the top of one of the lists of characteristics - This Is Art.

Im the scapegoat

I can't change the bad number to an 8 because the bad number has done a lot of bad things.

"And why your t couldn't just poke it out of you" haha. I'm all why didn't she freaking TELL me this a long time ago, but she says she did and I apparently wasn't ready to know it.

In other news, h and i talked for about an hour this morning before we got up for the day, I talked about why therapy is valuable to me, he talked about why he got so frustrated and held it in for so long until he just couldn't anymore, I won't try to state his reasons here because they're not up for discussion or debate, we talked about some of the things he said like threatening to leave, he said "I'm not going anywhere, I just said that because I was so frustrated." After we got up we went grocery shopping then came back home and paid the bills and then I asked him if we could continue talking and go over our finances because I really need to have a handle on them better than I do, and we talked for awhile about that he showed me his settlements from work going back a year and his records of all his mileage and expenses and all that stuff where he subtracts out his gas/meals/car maintenance/etc so I could see his weekly take home amounts, I mean I only ever saw the bottom line at tax time because he would give me the numbers to type into turbotax. then we started looking at our mortgage and the mortgage website has an amortization calculator thing where you can plug in different things and we were looking at different extra amounts per month paid towards principal, how much interest we could save and how much sooner we could pay off our house, and looked at my income alone and ran some quick numbers to see if I would be able to keep the house if I were on my own (if he passed away), etc. We spent most of the day on all of this. He just now got a call from work and left for a job. This is the h that I love, that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the same one that took care of me during my horrible depression 9 years ago, the one that he is much of the time except when he's not feeling well or is frustrated with me over going to therapy for so long.

I still have hope that we can work things out and I feel like we are. And if I get help by going to this codependents thing, then that's even better.

Art, that sounds like a great discussion and glad things seem to be going better with H.

I was thinking more about when you see the # written on paper and stuff.

Thanks LT. It's a start. I didn't yet say anything about wanting to continue therapy. I think I'm going to give the CoDA meetings a shot first, as well as working through this book, for awhile and see if that helps me make some more changes before I go back to therapy for any length of time. I'm really very humbly realizing what a mess I still am. But you know, I guess it's a better mess than before therapy. Before therapy I was such a mess I couldn't even identify individual parts of the mess ha. Like a 'yarn ball' made up of individual strands of yarn that are so entangled you can't tell there are individual strands but it's useless because you can't make anything out of it. Well, now my strands are untangling and I'm starting to be able to see them. Some are being pulled out and discarded, some are being tied together with others to make a solid and stronger piece that can be woven into a life. Or something like that.

I'm really looking forward to seeing t again this coming Thursday. And the week after that. That's as far as I want to go right now, until I've done some codependency work.

I'm so thankful for the couch being here.

Oh yeah also h and talked about going hiking tomorrow morning in Madera Canyon. I've been wanting to go there for awhile, it's about an hour away so not too bad. I think spending some time together out in nature will be good for us. I'm glad we're talking again.

I'm glad you're talking again, too, Art, and that you're learning more about your finances. Maybe it will lessen some of your fear of money if you have more control over it, or at least understand its flow.

About the other stuff, I think most of us hear things only when we're ready to deal with them. Until then, it's like Charlie Brown's teacher talking.

Yippee! I always knew you could do it!

I wish I had some legit answers from her about my fear of conversion disorder and somatization disorder. Her only answer in these 4 years is “I don’t know.” I wish I could get some answers. I’m terrified of getting this diagnosis. I’m at the point where I refuse to see a doctor about my symptoms. I just deal with them myself. When I do see my doctor to get my BC refilled, I don’t tell her a thing. I’ve had pain in my right leg since Wednesday. My T was reading me the symptoms Of Conversion Disorder out of the most recent DSM. It mentions leg pain. I had this pain before seeing her. I was anxious in our session because of the pain. There’s no way I’m going To the doctor though. I’ve been using a lot of ice and just dealing with it.

I wish I could get answers from someone. I’ve had no answers in 5 years. I’m really confused as well because I have read that people with somatization disorder and conversion disorder won’t admit that there anxiety is the issue, and I think they also refuse to admit they have it.

If I’m so terrified of having this, that I never go to the doctor, does this even mean I could possibly have it?

Art I am really glad you and H had talked today and you feel better. One thing I noticed is how you seem to take on everything as it being "your" problem, and not H's.

Well I can't fix his problems. Only mine.

I agree, i just dont' want to see just you take on fixing the marriage.

Thank you but it isn't just me. He's making an effort too, planning to go hiking with me tomorrow morning because it's someplace I've been wanting to go. And sitting down with me and going over our finances earlier today when I asked. I think those are good signs that he's trying too. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm being pollyannaish. But it's encouraging to me and whether or not we stay together, fixing myself is for ME going forward into the future whether that future is with him or not. That is my affirmation for today.

ETA: and it's where I'm at right now.

ETAA: I've got 2 more sessions with t for sure that are non-negotiable on the home front, and I may add some more. I don't know yet. I'm feeling my way through this as I go.

That other forum where I sometimes hang out seems like Trolls Anonymous sometimes... geeze

(A big bad troll.... ........

Hugs to all here <3

Lots of things can cause leg pain. Is that the only CD symptom you have?