Couch 172: Couch me if you can

I just finished with R. I don't have everything down 100%

I thought that originally I was supposed to see him on tuesday the 31st as well as he gave me the dates of the 1st- 27th of august. He said today was our last session.

I burst out crying right from the start, because it felt sudden and I didn't expect it.

R: "I do want to make this better. I don't want you going into this break thinking that I'm unreliable or angry. I'm a human being who makes mistakes, but I want to try to make things better."

Guilt, confusion and shame were powerful feelings, better that he had them than me.

S: It was your responsibility to make sure we were on the same page.

R: I'm supposed to keep up with changed session times, and missed sessions. In an ideal world maybe I would have. You don't trust me, why do you keep coming? I need you to trust me now, that this doesn't have to be hopeless.

S: Do you want my pin and my online banking details too?

He sighed.

R: You call me a fraud, accept no responsibility blame him, reinforce beliefs even though I didn't get better. So I could have the sense that I was right.

S:You said the 1st to the 27th. I assumed that I would also see you on tuesday.

R: Well I stand with what I said. In an ideal world, not substituting and switching sessions. boundaries and keeping agreements ( this is about me not wanting to do three sessions over two long term- but I can't justify the cost unless i'm in a very very low place).

S: okay then.

R: I guess you want me to apologize, for what's happened for making a mistake. What good is an apology if there's no hope for forgiveness? If I apologized now - it would be me being humiliated, and I would express anger, venom and hatred.

S:Yes because that's all I am. (more crying)

R:I've seen the good in you, encouraged you to develop and grow. In this moment I see child part 7 and older part who doubts me.I was going to see you on tuesday, but since you find it impossible for me for me to offer you anything without you beating me around the head and putting the time to good use.

S: If I'm special why don't you take better care of me?

R:In your world people constantly making judgements, so I made judgments about others. I was confused, people were okay then no good. That I had a strong desire to be special being ordinary was no good. If you behave like your so special everyone else is destined to fail. Doesn't have to be one or the either. You don't have to let people walk all over you- but you don't have to set standards so high.

S: The quote from the little prince "I did not understand anything, I ought to have judged my deeds and not words."

R: I was busy judging someones deeds, look at what he was offering. I'm prepared to accept so I want to make it up to you, honoring an agreement. Both be people who didn't honor agreements. I'd pass up the session.

S:You're on holiday.

R: You'll hate me.

S: I already hate you.

R: I'll call you on tuesday, I'm sorry this has happened it's still surprising to me.

S: I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

I don't want to see him on Tuesday after this session.

Wow. That comment from your T seems really insensitive. That would have hurt my feelings too.

In the article, this line bugged me.I know there are boundaries and I don't expect him to be there all the time, and there is a part of me that wants more, but I do know it's not possible. I don't know why he keeps telling me over and over. I get it. He also asked me to read a longer version by the same guy and I just kept crying while I read it last night. I was a bit emotional about it.

Attachment to Therapist: A Primer

omgomgomgomgomg....turns out i am going to this wellness recovery program TOMORROW MORNING. OMG. They told me on tuesday that it might be this coming monday, maybe tuesday. I thought I had all weekend to pack/clean/lay with the kitties as much as possible...and now i need to do that all in one night.

i am freaking out, and am incapacitated. i don't want to clean a single thing or pack. i don't even know if i really want to go. what am i thinking?!

omg.

She still hasn’t answered even after I clarified. I think this may be because I told her I didn’t want to hear yet another anodyne “I get that.”

In other words I am requiring her to think past the therapist manual.

Me - what the hell does trust have to do with it.
The therapist is a stranger who sits and collects money for rent. Trust isn't a part of it.

R said at the time something along the lines of other people having other opinions which could be problematic.

This is a no win situation at the heart of therapy.
The patient does not want to hear clear boundaries, particularly not where T wants to draw them. So she doesn't hear them, and feels betrayed later.

Added to which, a lot of therapists are not clear, even if the patient is willing to hear.

And yet therapists are always surprised when the boundaries are not understood! You'd think they would learn...

Other people might also have other insights.
Plus, Ts can be wrong and a second opinion can reveal that.

Me - what the hell does trust have to do with it.
The therapist is a stranger who sits and collects money for rent. Trust isn't a part of it.

We have different ideas of what we want from our therapists, Malfoy.

I had hoped for some trust or trustworthy behaviour from them

The role of the therapist seems to be to keep the patient poised between hope and despair.

Interesting. I find observing some of these experts fascinating. How do they respond when it’s not in their therapist’s manual . I frequently find myself agreeing with much of what stopdog posts. I wish the “truth” did not hurt so much. And I’m often confused about what exactly is the “truth” as well. Keep us updated

omgomgomgomgomg....turns out i am going to this wellness recovery program TOMORROW MORNING. OMG. They told me on tuesday that it might be this coming monday, maybe tuesday. I thought I had all weekend to pack/clean/lay with the kitties as much as possible...and now i need to do that all in one night.

i am freaking out, and am incapacitated. i don't want to clean a single thing or pack. i don't even know if i really want to go. what am i thinking?!

omg.