Couch 172: Couch me if you can

I really really really *really* hate the number 3.

If a number ends with a 3 it automatically makes it a bad number.

Not sure why people don't get that it's a bad number.

Adding this line in just so there's not 3 lines in this post.

I hate my life. I took the day off work today because it's the dreaded day and I wanted to avoid stress and people. I checked my work email and a coworker sent me a scathing email basically telling me I'm not doing my job. I've been doing the best I can which isn't very good. I've been feeling suicidal this week already. I didn't need this **** today.

Hugs to you as well, NP

This thread has 13 pages so I'm going to try and push it onto 14 cause 3 is a bad number.

Lets see if I can manage it.

Number 3 go away you're a bad number

Is the co-worker your supervisor, manager, the person who signs your paycheck, or somebody that has the power to fire you? Because if not, you can tell said co-worker to worry just about how their doing their own damn job.

My therapist No. 3 certainly was.

Doing my part for whisper in case it hasn't moved off 13 yet I can't tell on Tapatalk.

At work, just finished doing test calls for a project I'm on. Time to work some emails now.

Oh yeah t told me yesterday that she still thinks I'm underemployed. I was thinking oh geez not this again. Why does she persist in thinking I'm smarter than I am? Besides the fact that I love what I do now.

She was asking lots of questions about my finances and aghast that I didn't know numbers off our tax forms off the top of my head. I don't like when she gets all pushy about that stuff. It's none of her business, right?

It's on 14 now, thanks Artie

It's only her business if you want to talk about it with her. Otherwise it's lovely practice in setting boundaries with somebody who is asking personal questions that you don't particularly want to answer.

If you're in a job that makes you happy, that's all that matters! I'm sure I'm technically underemployed now since I got a master's a few years ago, but this works for me right now. I certainly don't know income numbers off the top of my head (it's always fun filling out employment applications when I have to list past salaries), made more complicated by the fact that I do freelance now, so what I make week to week varies. I agree that your finances are none of her business, so long as you pay her.

ETA: I think this is some of your T's maternal countertransference at play here...

Thanks LT. She was all over how h doesn't make a consistent amount week to week cuz he's a contractor. Yes there was one point where he was working less than part time but he's not anymore, plus he works whatever jobs they have for him on the weekends. Some weeks are better than others but he averages about the same as me after taking out his expenses. When I explained that, she said I was protecting him and that he is not a good provider. I really didn't understand that. She's so focused on the tax form that isn't a true representation because he takes the deduction for the miles he drives and makes it look like he earns less.

Besides the fact that I don't want to be "taken care of" in that sense. I like working and knowing I am helping provide for my family.

I didn't even think about maternal countertransference. She never had kids, so yeah, likely I suppose. Hope she gets a handle on it before next week or I'm gonna have to enforce a boundary on her for once!

(((Artie))) i think she is just trying to counter your stated fear that you cant make it on your own, pointing out evidence to the contrary, like the tax form info. If you are netting more than h because it costs him more to work, and you get benefits, then that is what it is.

You might have to pay spousal support. Dont let him threaten you. I think you hold the financial cards.

Art, your therapist is very very interested in her clients’ money. And how she can make it hers.

But, while it’s none of her business, I do think it’s a good idea for you, or anyone in a troubled relationship, to have a good picture of their family finances in their head. Not down to every dollar and cent, but good ballpark idea. In the history of heterosexual divorce at least, it’s usually the woman who gets screwed financially.

You're right on that note. I do need to have a better idea. My brain is still trying to wrap itself around the idea that we might split up because of deeper issues than me wanting therapy... I think that's more the thing that t's trying to get across to me.

I think a lot of it may be that he feels like I don't trust him.

??? Then he should be showing you that he is trustworthy.

Your stmt sounds like projection. CODA, or codependence stuff, asap. No big decisions or threats or anything in the foreseeable future, unaluna has spoken!

What lit a fire under his butt all of a sudden anyway??

Me wanting to go back to therapy, of course. But he said he'd been holding it all in for awhile.

The number 3 is haunting me today, someone please make it go away

The number three needs to die

And I'm gonna if she goes there again because I don't want to talk about it with her. A pitfall of the therapeutic relationship I guess, all that time I "used" her as a good-enough mother all the maternal transference for so long.... Now I just want to say "um, t, you're not my mom."

Who died and made him boss?

Do you need to present him with a bill for 20 years worth of cooking and laundering etc?

Did he forget who was at his side when he was sick?

I dont mean to be pressuring you. Honestly, i would tell him to just stop, we will discuss it when we both cool down. And in the meantime, we will both do as we NEED to. This is just bullying what he is doing. "Holding it in". Hmph.

And maybe you need to review what god says about staying in a marriage where the other person does not value and respect you. Cuz i think they say its alright to leave. God does not want you to be abused. He loves you more than that.

Eta - when i say god, i mean, philosophically speaking or whatever. What is right in the world.

Wow, I don't understand the not being a good provider thing. I mean, if he was getting offered tons of jobs and was like "Nope just gonna hang out and watch TV every day instead," that would be different. But the nature of contract or freelance work is that it's not consistent in pay or work. And I'm the same in that I want to be contributing (partly a result of having lived on my own for like 7 years after college--well with roommates for part, but still). I struggle some now because H does make more than me, when (years ago) it used to be the opposite. If you're content with how much H is bringing in, then I don't see why your T has such an issue with it.

Art, dear, I like that your t is supportive. She says cool things and does dreams and provides support and wants good things for you and so on.

And you're right, your finances are NONE of her business. (Again.)

I have been hesitant to post this for a couple Couch pages because I know you're under a lot of pressure, and feeling divided between your t and your h. But reading stuff like this makes me cringe.

It's screaming boundary issues. Unless any professional is a financial professional (think attorney, financial advisor, billing manager, financial aid officer....) the details of your finances are not relevant to your work together.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

T used an analogy I really liked today (and some of you may have heard this before, since H said he had). I was talking about how I probably seem totally fine on the outside to most people, like I'm functioning, getting work done, being social, etc. But inside there's so much going on behind the scenes, like people don't see all the struggles I have in getting those things done. T said it's like a duck swimming in the water, that it appears like it's just gliding along, but if you look under the surface, its feet are kicking furiously.