Couch 172: Couch me if you can

My mouth hurts. I think I’ve been hanging around all day with my jaw clenched from the anxiety I have. Weeks off of work are supposed to be relaxing.

She laughed.

Do you have anyone to play with?

I would miss you too!

Yes. Some normal posts can accidentally be triggering for me. I check in here too much. I've tried to cut back but it would be losing a huge chunk of support.

Please could I not be told " I told you so". It's 1.30 am and I'm looking at flights back. I'll most likely leave on wednesday the 25th- cheapest ticket from £134. There is no peace that I have found, I'm unhappy here and i'm unhappy there. I guess i'm disappointed that everything is the same.

I need to prep for my final exam and studying here is impossible when you don't have your own room or space.

I have never felt so alone as i do tonight. Tomorrow morning I am going to go do an intake session to see if i "qualify" for a bed at a local recovery center...i am beyond nervous, and I keep trying to keep my T's words in my head--that i am not committing to anything, just gathering information.

and from there i go to my psychiatrist

There's nothing wrong with needing more support when you really need it. I read online somewhere if you name your fears they have less power over you. What are you most nervous about?

I HATE DOCTORS i am again having health problems and i could not get in to see my NP and my issues couldnt wait . i ended up seeing a doc and she made me cry . she was talking to me about how she was going to deal with my issues and the other tests im going to need to get . i guess it is more serious then i thought . i was giggling a bit as i was answering her questions and she scolded me saying to me ,i dont know why you are laughing ,there is absolutely nothing funny about any of this !. i was destroyed .i was no longer able to talk to her and all i could do was shake my head yes or no . it was hell . i was sobbing as i left the room . i had to get some blood work done and i was not allowed to leave until i had my appointments set for ultrasounds and appointment with specialist. i was crying through the whole thing just because of what the doc said .i hate them .it just giggle a bit when i am nervous . i have a hard enough time talking to these people and i was scared enough already .i did not need to be scolded

Hugs...I hope it goes well tomorrow. I think what your T said are good words to keep in your head.

(((Granite))) you would think an actual md would be familiar with nervous habits. I'm sorry you got scolded. I hope everything with your health will be okay!

(((Velcro))) I have no words, just letting you know I hear you.

oh couch.

just got home from t. we spent the entire hour talking about the fight w h the other night which is not what i wanted to happen. but i guess it needed to because i feel better for it. she said before i left that i didn't come in there today looking like I was a puddle of tears or something she said i look strong. i don't feel strong. she is encouraging me to hold onto myself tightly and calmly tell h that "i need to do what i need to do and if you need to leave, then so be it, I'd like you to stay, but if you have to go, i can't stop you." i told her i'm not ready to do that yet. i'm not ready for him to leave. i didn't full-on cry at all during the hour, just little tears welled up a couple times was all, quite surprising for me. she said that i am very protective of him and our marriage. like i stick up for him too much or something. i felt a little attacked by her for a few minutes there actually. it was really difficult and painful.

when i first got there i told her that i can't commit to the 2+ month thing we'd talked about on the phone. she wasn't mad thankfully. at the end when i got out my card to pay she said we should talk about money and mentioned the reduced rate she'd offered me to come weekly for 2-3 months. i said well i will come weekly as in twice more, but i can't commit to beyond that, and i want to be fair to you, so charge me normally. so she charged me my usual $100 thankfully didn't raise it. since we are back into 'doing-therapy-land' as opposed to 'maintenance-land', she said she insists on weekly. At this point I want that anyway. I told her again that I really can't commit to beyond a couple more weeks that I need some time to figure out what the hell I am going to do and she said what then you'll call in 2 weeks? I looked at her and said "well don't let me." oh yeah she also said that this isn't the time to look at my sand trays after all. I said I understand. She said use them as an excuse to h if you need to, i don't mind. i probably will at that.

She gave me the name of a couples counselor and also suggested h and I do CoDA. some codependency thing I told her I'd look into it.

What a hard session. I'm kinda numb and am going to drink my dinner tonight.

Artie, idk, that sounds like a good session!

It just really bothered me that your h touched your car. If he did it as a gift, okay. But otherwise, i would be all, dont touch my stuff. Unless its a present. In which case i would prefer diamonds. But thats just me.

I wish I could go to therapy 2x a week still, sigh. Probably would be able to handle this upcoming break so much easier if I could. I think, overall, I did way better mentally then. I'm way too anxious over it already and I've no idea when it even is.

It was good. Just hard. If I suddenly won the lottery tonight I would ask to go 3 times a week to push through this ****.

And yeah it was for my birthday.

Jose Cuervo ready to drink margaritas for dinner it is.

t also said that I should start separating out my money from his and put my whole paycheck in a different bank account so he can't take all the money. and if he does leave, to change the locks immediately. i can barely even go there in my mind right now. she was asking me all kinds of questions about our finances, about how much money he actually makes, said i probably make more than he does from what i've said in the past, that he probably couldn't afford to support himself without me, etc. i'm in complete denial like she said.

yeah that would go over real big if i tried to separate our money. that one thing alone would probably be enough that he would leave for reals. he already thinks that i don't trust him. that would just be the final nail.

stupid thing is, that i do trust him, and i love him.

I am not sure that would help—Arizona is a community property state. I did my first divorce there. The divorce was very cheap, and we didn’t have any assets or debts in common fortunately, plus he waived his right to everything out of guilt for being an alcoholic, and I waived mine in turn, but it sounded like if we’d had assets in common everything would be split 50/50.

I don’t get the impression your husband is the kind of guy would suddenly abscond with your entire savings. He seems pretty passive in terms of taking action.

I do think it might be smart to consult a lawyer beforehand if you think leaving him is becoming a serious possibility.

(((Art))) I am not one to give advice on ending marriages, since I spent over 10 years with abuser 2 and almost 10 years with abuser 3. I knew that I would be better off without him, but I was terrified to let him go. Fear of the unknown vs. Put up with the familiar.

I do not think your h will leave you. I think it's a threat, and it was effective, because here you are tied up in knots about it days later. And it's scary and I wish you didn't have to go through it!

Yeah, I think you're right about this being Arizona. I wouldn't do it anyway, because like I said, I think it would just force his hand if I did and right now, that's not what i want to do. I may consult a lawyer anyway, even though I'm not going anywhere at least for the foreseeable future. I don't want to split up. If anybody leaves it will be him.

I don't think he's that kind of person either. Deep down he is a good, decent man and I know it and that's why I love him and what makes all of this so hard.

Thank you.




i agree about fear of the unknown vs put up with the familiar. he's never been abusive and he's not now and i am not afraid of him. i am however afraid of starting over without him.


thank you.

The margaritas are numbing me even more after that session. I just put on a pot of my lentil thing. Cooking is soothing too. I was rather strangely calm discussing all that stuff with t this evening even though it was so hard, and even though at one point I felt a little attacked. She has my best interest at heart and really wants to be supportive for me and I felt that so strongly overall this evening. I told her I may soon get to the point of being ready to do what she suggested I do. But that I'm just not there right now. H and I haven't talked much since the fight. She asked if it was just words or physical. I was like physical? what? no. it was just him yelling and me somehow managing not to cry and standing my ground at least enough to tell him I'm doing 2 or 3 more sessions including today's.


It has taken me SO long to finally absolutely completely open up to her. Seriously. YEARS. Now that I am saying everything-everything, I'm letting h force me to stop. She asked me what I would say to my daughter if I had one in this situation. I said I would tell her what I can't tell myself - that it's ****ed up and she needs to do what's right for her. I said thank God though that I don't have a daughter because I would probably mess that up too!

(((Artie))) thing is, he so often backs down and says something that shows he understands!

Could he be bluffing and just wanting to win this hand? Or see how far he can play this hand?

IME - I think sometimes gamblers mistakenly think they can depend / bet on the sincerity of the non-gambler they are dealing with, but they cant - its not their currency. They cant "see" our sincerity.

He is a gambler...