Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Thanks, SK. I'll take the hugs! I don't want anyone to be scared off by my experience. Other T's may be very accepting, it can just be risky. It's especially confusing with ex-MC because he'd seemed accepting of those feelings from me before. But...it's kind of complicated, because also in between the last expression of love and the more recent one, his wife passed away (long-term illness), so not sure if that affected his reaction at all.

just **** you. seriously. you do this on purpose.

THERAPY IS A SHAM
THERAPY IS A SHAM
THERAPY IS A SHAM AND I WISH WE'D NEVER MET.

**** off

me

I think it is pretty despicable to lure someone to talking freely and then terminate them for doing just that. Particularly if you're being paid to help them.

To her credit, Madame T never terminated me. In fact, I don't think she ever wanted me to leave.

PS: Can you really be the first patient ever to say you loved him? Isn't he trained to deal with this pivotal eventuality?

T,
I think the session went well, although I for some reason don't remember a lot of it. Of course, what I just remembered was when we were talking about how long I have been in therapy. It quickly entered my mind about ten minutes ago. And then my next thought was, is he trying to hint that I have been in therapy too long? You've told me time and time again that it is okay for me to stay as long as I need. Intellectually, I know that you aren't kicking me out. But my emotions are so strong that it totally clouds my intellect. I think that I have an infinite number of neural connections that are connected and all lead to my abandonment fears.

me

Dear Piaf,

So if you don’t like being all wuzzy-fuzzy, either yourself or clients, why was there a teddy bear in your office?

ATAT

I don't know...and the thing is, I'd said it before! I don't know why it affected him so much that time. I guess...it had been the first time since his wife died, so possibly that? But still, it really messed with me that he wrote "Of course it's OK," but then after that it seemed very different. The phonecall days later was so confrontational, it was like seeing this whole other side of him. He kept breathing in this way that made it feel like he was trying to keep from totally going off on me, like he was trying to keep it together. And partway through call, he said he thought I'd wanted individual session, and I said no, just phone call (which we'd done many times before). And I'd said in email was platonic, not romantic love. But at the end when he was like, "And you nhat teed to reduce contact with me," that just destroyed me. Because so many times I'd checked in with him to make sure my contact was OK. And he claimed at first that this was because I'd wanted individual session, but that was cleared up early on in the phone call, so why then still go forward with that? Pretty sure it was, as I asked him later, because I'd said I love you. Which....

I (finally) see you tomorrow and I am so, so scared. I have so much to tell you... do I say it all at once? On one hand, it would be a lot to begin to work through in one session and would probably leave me feeling worse to put it all out in the air and then not be able to address all of it. But on the other hand, if we work through these things one by one, the longer I wait to tell you something the more scared I will get.

Do I seek another session or wait it out?

When's your next session, Echoes?

Next Wednesday. I emailed him and his only slot is 4pm today, which is too late for me, considering the drive can be anywhere from an hour to 90 minutes each way.

Damn ((Echoes))

Can you have a phone check in to ride you over?

I mean, I could potentially do skype at 4pm, but I kind of have a list of grievances, and I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to deliver them remotely, if you know what I mean.

I get ya It depends for me.

I cried last night after seeing your wifeys facebook page. It was pure childish sobs, because I wanted you and I needed my mother.

Dear T. I want to leave. Going back to therapy is regressing me and it’s dangerous. I need to be moving forward. I can’t afford it anymore (you said you don’t do sliding scale or cheaper therapy) so how can I tell you today and you won’t get angry with me..

I miss you already, I'm holding onto a connection though even if I do believe it's one way.
I intend to keep busy and write lots over the week, although as luck would have it I don't feel very well, and that now a way makes me want You more because you are the caring type and sometimes I just want your care.

Just looked at my 'facebook memories'.

Today it's three years since I was forced to leave the job that I loved, in the place that I loved, with the people I loved. I am crying now thinking about it and I realise that I still haven't really processed that loss. It still hurts as much as it ever did.

That also means it's been three years since my partner had a job. I know that I need to talk to him, that I need to tell him that it's time to get his s**t together, because I can't go on like this... and neither can he.

It was around five years ago that Ani came into my life - facebook showed me all the pictures of her that I posted then. She is so f***ing beautiful and I miss her so much.

Looking back, five years ago seems like it must have been an idyllic time. I suppose it probably wasn't.

Usually I would see you tonight. We could talk about all of this. I could cry a lot about it... use up all your tissues.

But you're not here. So I'll just cry on the bus instead.

Thanks for not being here today. It's really useful. 👍

Oh yeah, that means it's been almost three years since I saw a plane crash into a motorway and kill eleven people!

Isn't it great that you're not here?!

The darkness is encroaching. Soon, the dread.

I think you are being sarcastic but I'm not absolutely sure...

Yes. What I mean to say is:

F*** you for not being here.

I get that you need your holiday, but in all honesty I'm just disappointed.

Luc are you "allowed" to reach out to T whilst he's away?

So...how much honesty is too much?
Will I break this, if I share the essay with you?
Is it even possible for me to damage the relationship?

How much of this is my previous experience talking? I don't know...