Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

My FEEEEEEEELING from LT's post was that the whole vacation would be like an out-of-body experience. There might be points that you can nail down, like a dinner, but what gets all twilight-zoney about it is that you can SAY, "I get to choose tonite? Great, i choose chili dogs!" And you will end up nowhere NEAR a chili dog, and shamed for wanting poison the rest of the family with chili dogs. Never mind the reality that everybody could have chosen something different at your chili dog restaurant. Its like, the whole point was just to trick and shame you. To exclude you. To eff with your head. They win, and you lose.

Thinks:

My power struggle with Madame T was not so much about establishing dominance (although we both saw it that way) as having different ideas of what an equal relationship would be like.

Madame T (and I doubt she's alone) thinks that a relationship can be equal without being symmetrical. This to me sounds too much like "separate but equal", i.e. apartheid.

(Some of you young'uns may not even know what apartheid means. Thank God for that.)

Dear Info,

Maybe you’re a better therapist than I’ve been giving you credit for.

In other news, the temperature in hell has dropped to a balmy 75 and the mercury is still falling.

ATAT

Something you might want to think about (no one is immune):



"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. It comes from friends and loved ones." mediawebapps.com

Hi T,

I'm trying to cope with a huge amount of emotinal pain... Why does this hurt so much?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth. I'm sorry I probably won't tell you the truth. I'm a coward.

Must learn to hold back sometimes!!

Dear T,
Nervous about today of course. There was a lot in that email, and I know you're going to ask me which part I want to start with, so I need to think about that. I think I also need to bring up my feelings that you're frustrated with me, like that my attachment to you is still insecure. But I hope, as a psychologist, you realize that you can't just say "I won't abandon you" and expect a client with lifelong attachment issues to be like, "Oh, you won't? OK, it's all good then" [*poof*! secure attachment]. Especially when someone who she feels abandoned her less than a year ago used those exact words at one point...
--LT

Dear T,

You called me a resilient woman- I wanted to say child. Some of what you said actually does make sense- my different parts are still all me. I do have the ability to take control even when I feel like I don't. I don't think it's something that I wouldn't have been ready to hear before even though it sounds obvious.

I'm terrified at the thought of losing you, but you were also right that my behavior was pushing you away. The big point: When you said I was invading your privacy. I promise I'll stop.

I dreamt endlessly about cardiology. First about waiting rooms - pretty familiar territory. Then about having a device like butter knife pushed down my throat - I guess that was my unconscious remembering - trying to make sense of - what my conscious mind can't. What happened after they gave me the midazolam.

Then I was taken to a part of the hospital that was like a spooky haunted house, and I was scared, but so desperate to be given answers that I'd have stayed whatever happened.

The nurse gave me a jumper and I expressed how much better it made me feel. I guess that's like when the porter offered me a blanket, draped it over me, when I'd been lying alone in that cold room on a trolley staring at a poster about 'coronary artery bifurcation'.

I didn't feel all that affected by it when I woke up, just confused and fuzzy. Now I feel it, though.

...and today is three years since the airshow disaster.

Thanks for not being here.

I TTTHHHOOOUUUGGGTT you were confused that a vacation with parents could be stressful, but it's not the first time I've misinterpreted something someone said. Apologies for that. In my version of the out-of-body experience, it's a little more benign as I don't think anyone in my family is out to trick or shame me. There's just a lot of judgement because I parent pretty differently than my siblings and my child isn't the over achieving superstar like some of his cousins. There's also a lot of pressure to do things and do them in the way of my parents and siblings rather than what worked for my child and family. And for me, it takes a lot of energy to manage my emotional responses so I'm not reactive to old family patterns. I just kind of assume certain people are going to act just like themselves and try not to be surprised.

Can I please have a hug?

I know I'm not your t but

Awww thank you.

Dear T,

I’m sorry I suck.

I’m sorry I fail at people.

I’m sorry I’m needy, weepy, insecure.

Maybe we should stop. I should stop. I can’t be helped so I shouldn’t drain you.

I’m sorry I fail at life.

Geeky

A week since I last heard from you - wondering how much longer.

Will there be any satisfaction in letting you know what this has been like? I doubt it.

A new issue... jealousy, let's just add it all to the list!

T's office called me last night. I guess she had an opening for tonight so instead of seeing her last night which she cancelled, I'm seeing her tonight. Mixed feelings. Hooray for not having to wait more than a month to get in...and as such all the disappointment and annoyance has abated, but now not sure what I'm going to talk about. It's the second session, the "interview" part is passed on her end at least and now it's time to talk. I have stuff to talk about but where to begin.

T--be patient with me tonight.

Hey lost,
I think it will be good for you to tell her how this break has affected you etc, it's been such a long time, and obviously will have an impact!

Dear R,

I only saw you yesterday, but it feels so much longer. Could you please read to me? I would want the cat in the hat or the tiger who came to tea? Do you have Handas surprise? I can remember reading that book when I was in reception.

S

Hello t I am thankful even more that you reduced your rate while I come weekly cuz taxes on my paycheck just went up by a full $20!! Grr. I know that's not a lot-a lot but still... It's $40 less a month I'll have to work with...

Dear T,
I really don't know how to feel after today's session. To use a word you used to describe yourself (or how you can be at times) today, it was intense. I suppose "I'm not immune to you, LT" is the new "You affect me, LT."

You asked if I feel I can handle you. I think so? I'm simultaneously fascinated and terrified. Maybe those are the wrong words. But it's definitely a mix of feelings. Like, I feel you have the potential to really help me (and already have), but I worry about the emotions I'll need to experience along the way. But, as I mentioned today, maybe this is exactly what I need to get to and deal with the stuff that ex-T and ex-MC couldn't?
Trepidatiously,

--LT

Will you feel I'm being disloyal to you in going to see S tonight?
I hope not.
He's no longer my person.

The tiger who came to tea sets a very bad example. Children should not be allowed to read it! The cat in the hat is no better.

Why this interest in felonius felines?