[growlycat]

When it comes to family of origin issues and the holidays, what advice or coping strategies does your t give you ? Those grating ties that bind and strangle?

My t warned his own FOO that at any sign of drama he just isn’t coming. He is staying home with his wife and kids and good for him! I however don’t have that option and I’m already here.

My anxiety is off the charts and I’m irritable and restless and can’t sleep. Any thoughts you got from your t you can share here?

Just remember you can't change anything but your reaction to others.
I had my awful brother in law visit yesterday.

I just listened to his narcissism whilst wondering how he got to be like this and being thankful my life isn't like his.
Before I knew it, the visit was over lol.
Yaaaaaay

[WarmFuzzySocks]

growly, do you have somewhere away from family that you can go when you need a respite from them?

Hugs.

[Lemoncake]

The number one thing R taught me with therapy, is that you don't have to be nice. It's okay to have needs and to put yourself first.

Possible trigger:

Last year I was called a b***h and loads more by my 20 year old cousin at Christmas for refusing to take a small chocolate celebrations box from another cousin who I choose to no longer talk to.I didn't answer a single thing back because I try to hold myself to a higher standard BUT just because they're family doesn't give them the right to treat you badly or mean that you have to put up with more than you would tolerate from anyone else.

I will spend time with my siblings, but I have no regrets at avoiding extended family members, as much as I physically can and I'll be happy if I don't run into them.

Edit: Does the trip mean you have to stay over? Limit your exposure as much as possible. Can you go out to the shops or anything like that?

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I don't have huge issues with my parents, but my mom says a lot of things that bother me usually. T told me to remember that if something she says makes me emotional, it's okay to feel that emotion. It will go over in a bit, and that's all my mom can do, create an emotion that shortly after goes away again. He also said that I can of course say that I disagree and give my own opinion. But that she is entitled to have her own opinions as well, even if I don't agree. But it's important to not just get angry in her face or something like that. I can politely tell her or I can deal with my emotions on my own, I don't need to show everyone (not in situations where it's not called for, is what he meant, of course I can defend myself and all that).

[Anne2.0]

Why go when it's painful or not enjoyable? I spent a decade without contact with my FOO and it was good for breaking automatic patterns and getting a handle on my healing from CSA. Then my mother came to me for reconciliation and that was good too. I found like I could relate to them as the adult person I was and who they were now; the dynamics were completely different. Now a decade later I'm glad they are in my life, we are far from close but love was never the issue. But I think everyone is more conscientious of what you say and do, and there is very little drama.

[atisketatasket]

You may already be there, but you could always pack up and leave. The price of peace of mind may be the price of changing your plane reservation.

My family is generally fine, but even so I tend to go on lots of solo long walks when visiting.

[feralkittymom]

In the moment it's important to find ways to be off on your own during this time. If you flew there, rent a car and be mobile--your sanity is worth it. There are always films to be seen!


But longer term, the best advice former T gave me was to not let me remain stuck in believing that I had no choice. There is always a choice. There are consequences for any choice, but that it was within my power to choose and then plan how to accept those consequences.

I worked hard to recreate the holidays for myself, make my own traditions, which allowed me to not only break the toxic bonds, but enjoy the holidays--on my terms.

L and my h both were pretty insistent that we rent a car and stay at a hotel when we or even just I go back there to visit. It has definitely made visits with my FOO more bearable when we have our own space to go back to each night and having a car during the day is so important to me. I can't stand not being mobile, it makes me feel trapped there. That thanksgiving a few years ago when we went to my brother's, after I put my foot down and said we're staying at a hotel my sister and her fiance very quickly followed suit. It is so much better having your own space to get away to when family becomes too much.

I have not visited family for the holidays in over 10 years now and at this point I don’t have any left that I would visit. But when I used to spend the end of year with my parents (who were not annoying and dramatic usually) I would typically stay in their house 3-4 days around Xmas and spend the rest of the week in a hotel meeting old friends or traveling. My parents would have liked me to stay longer but that was enough for me. Back in my childhood they sometimes fought with each-other and then would not speak for a day just before Xmas but I learned pretty early as a kid not to engage in that and not to let it affect my mood much. Usually they would make peace by Xmas Eve and then all was fine. As an adult, I would definitely not allow FOO to spoil the days when I wanted to relax and/or control me in any way although that was never really a problem even in my childhood. I think keeping firm boundaries helps - others cannot mess with that if I don’t let them. It can also be good to let them know what my time, space and emotional boundaries are. I think it is still not late for this year to start implementing something like that and maybe plan it next year.

[starfishing]

I haven't done holidays with my family of origin for a long time, because distance from them is important to my sanity. But I'm spending some time with my in-laws right now, and my therapist was chock full of advice for that (so much so that I kind of suspect he was gearing up for a similar holiday experience, since advice that level of giving is somewhat out of character for him).

He strongly supported renting a car and planning out some solo time for me, and couple time for me and my partner. He also suggested trying to get some distance from the difficulties of the experience internally, by working to self-reflect about what patterns of mine were being recreated and what buttons were being pushed, and why, when things got difficult. Also giving myself permission to bow out of things or withdraw as needed.

Good luck--I know if I were with my family of origin right now my mental health would be taking a huge nosedive, so try to be kind to yourself about whatever ways you're reacting.

[stopdog]

I haven't gone to be with family except twice for a holiday in about 25 years. To me, it is a terrible time to be with family even though my family was not terrible and holidays were not awful when I was growing up.
I went back a couple of times after my mom died, but then my dad started dating someone and my sibling lives in the same area as he does, so I left them to it. I find holidays annoying enough without family holiday hoopla being added to the mix.
All the noise noise noise...
My group of friends and I have several holiday rituals which are low key but nice.

In fact, I finally realized, about 20 years ago or so, that I should stay no more than 3 nights with my family no matter what time of year. Visits got so much better when I did that.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

growly, do you have somewhere away from family that you can go when you need a respite from them?

Hugs.

Good idea I just don’t have a rent a car when I visit. I could Uber. When my sister gets here she will have a car. Thanks!!!

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

growly, do you have somewhere away from family that you can go when you need a respite from them?

Hugs.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Why go when it's painful or not enjoyable? I spent a decade without contact with my FOO and it was good for breaking automatic patterns and getting a handle on my healing from CSA. Then my mother came to me for reconciliation and that was good too. I found like I could relate to them as the adult person I was and who they were now; the dynamics were completely different. Now a decade later I'm glad they are in my life, we are far from close but love was never the issue. But I think everyone is more conscientious of what you say and do, and there is very little drama.

Good advice it’s just hard because they aren’t so awful that I want to cut them out of my life but just difficult enough to be grating

[growlycat]

Ps thanks everyone. I’m better today. My parents must think I’m manic (I am not bipolar) because I’ve been on a cleaning frenzy just to burn off agitation.
My driving phobia keeps me from driving in this state known for bad drivers

[starfishing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Good advice it’s just hard because they aren’t so awful that I want to cut them out of my life but just difficult enough to be grating

I hear that. But I will say it was a wonderful day when I realized I could bow out of holidays even if I didn't cut my family of origin out of my life. I'm still in touch with them, but haven't done holidays with them in over 10 years. Mine are awful, but even so it's complicated and no contact isn't always necessary.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Good advice it’s just hard because they aren’t so awful that I want to cut them out of my life but just difficult enough to be grating

BTW I wasn't advising you cut them out of your life, just that setting boundaries of any kind can be positive, based on my own experience. The boundaries don't have to be severe and they don't have to be permanent.

I'm glad it's better. I prefer my family visit me and stay with me, as opposed to the other way around. They are much better on my turf, but I think this is a life stage thing. In the sense that when you have a child or child(ren) the argument is that it's easier for the retired folks to travel to you. Kids' school and my work were the arguments, but I minimized travel to them, and when we did, we met in a nice vacation spot, where we had our own space .

[DP_2017]

Hope you survived it all ok, growly

My saving grace was having children/stepchildren. Now they have families of their own, so I spend most of the holidays with them. I travel to them and stay with one of them. I spend only one or two days with FOO and spend the rest of my time with children's families.They have lovely families.

Years ago, I nearly wrote off anyone with dysfunctional behaviors or attitudes, but you know there is dysfunction in nearly every family (hence the appeal of funny holiday movies such as Christmas Vacation). Since then, I've developed more compassion, which has led to more tolerance and patience. Not everyone has has years of therapy or insight into their issues or education, but I tend to be more accepting these days. I'm also a forgiving person by nature. And afterall, it's Christmas.

BUT, I feel extreme guilt after being around FOO, which can feel quite painful since the degree is so extreme. I'm experiencing it now, have no answers, and planned to discuss with T at our upcoming session. I've been feeling so anxious since I left and am only now recognizing this as guilt. It's really sad seeing how some in my FOO are too. I think I have to just let go of that. I sort of have been compartmentalizing up until today, so was able to enjoy myself. I had a really good holiday. Busy but cheerful.

[growlycat]

Mom is drinking again and my nephew stole from me. Sadly this isn’t the worst holiday I’ve ever had. Hope everyone fared a bit better than this

[WarmFuzzySocks]

((growly))