[DP_2017]

I have 2 parts to this post.

1-- Can anyone (KINDLY) explain the point of two years of no contact? Especially since, at least in my area, it is not against the law and there is no rules on it specifically, even my T acknowledged it. He says it is "best practice" though so he does it. Also, in my case, he is no longer doing therapy, so it really seems odd.

I'm struggling to see the point of this, therapy is supposed to be about helping people but stuff like this is really hurtful. Knowing he is out there, and his former co workers (if they want) or basically anyone else can talk to him, but me and a few other clients, makes me feel like something is wrong with me, like I'm not good enough, worthless etc. None of this is helpful for someone who already feels low about themselves. It's making me question everything and wish I never trusted him, reminding me to never trust anyone else. Things like that. I tried talk to him about this in the last few sessions but he was either defensive about it or just talked in circles (things like, those are your feelings, you are allowed to have them)

I can't help but think, two years is a long time and we will probably be distant memories to each other. I know for me, I wont forget him, he was hugely impactful in my life and I truly do love him, but to him, I was apparently "just a client" --even though I was his final client ever, I still can't convince myself he wont forget me. Heck, in a few months, he probably will already. I can't understand how our relationship seemingly meant nothing to him, when it was obvious he had feelings for me. Other people saw that too. THOUSANDS of texts exchanged between us and when I called him out on that in the sense of "this isn't something you do with everyone, there had to be feelings there" he got defensive and said he didn't deny it. He couldn't say anything because I would assume then, that it has to continue on... well, yes, typically when two humans connect and have something great, they do continue on...... and then he also used the excuse of "you asked for all that stuff, so I did it" --even though MANY of the times, he initiated. There is many many things that made me KNOW he felt something. I'm terrible at reading people but that was obvious to me but now it feels like, everything was a lie, and I am meaningless to him. Will he even care about me in a week? Let alone, 2 long years?

Two years seems so ridiculous, why not one? What is the actual point if there is no law or rule? I'm so confused. Contact is not the worst thing on earth, it doesn't mean you have to be besties. While he seemed VERY open to and ok with me contacting him and even promised at the very least he will reply out of courtesy, I can't help but think, in 2 years, he wont know who I am even, so why would he bother?

2-- For those of you who have gone through this mess....
How hard was it getting through the two years? Did it go fast or seem like eternity? Did you end up reaching out? Did they reply? Did you ever meet up? How are things with you know?

Again, I am not wanting judgemental or rude replies, just kind or helpful. I really need to try and make sense of this because I'm feeling so low and SO regretful, of things I didn't say or ask and now I can't.... because of who I am.

[LonesomeTonight]

From the way I understand the rule, at least for psychologists (I don't think your T was classified as that, right?), it's 2 years (at least) before a friendship or romantic relationship. I don't think it's necessarily 2 years of no contact. I've had a bit of email contact with ex-T (though she's a social worker) and some with ex-MC, and it's definitely been less than 2 years. But, that's different than, say, an actual friendship where we might meet for coffee. Ex-T told me that under the rules of clinical social workers, she's NEVER supposed to become friends with a former client, even if it had been, say, 10 years. Which is more strict than with psychologists.

More in a bit.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

From the way I understand the rule, at least for psychologists (I don't think your T was classified as that, right?), it's 2 years (at least) before a friendship or romantic relationship. I don't think it's necessarily 2 years of no contact. I've had a bit of email contact with ex-T (though she's a social worker) and some with ex-MC, and it's definitely been less than 2 years. But, that's different than, say, an actual friendship where we might meet for coffee. Ex-T told me that under the rules of clinical social workers, she's NEVER supposed to become friends with a former client, even if it had been, say, 10 years. Which is more strict than with psychologists.

More in a bit.

Ya he was LMFT. The reason he claims there is no contact is because he isn't at the company anymore, had he been there, I could email sometimes but he also said "We couldn't be pen pals so I couldn't write back" Yet he also told me that he is more than willing to talk to me if we see each other out and about, although highly unlikely... and he "liked" my dog's Facebook page so he can keep "updated" through that. He told me any requests I send, he would ignore, because supposedly I am entitled to privacy, but, I mean, if I request someone, I obviously don't care if they see stuff. I think he's just insanely confused. He even told me a client from 3 months ago texted him last week, but that was to ask if she could see him again for a session, but still.....

And yes I know social workers have the tougher rules... and I believe the therapists who are part of the APA.

[Echos Myron redux]

One of the reasons for the two years is that transference feelings are likely to shift in two years. When my first therapist contacted me and invited friendship after 20 months, my feelings towards him had changed and I was angry with him for contacting me out of the blue to meet his own needs. If he had done that straight away I guarantee I would have gone to the end of the earth to have a friendship and that would have ended very badly because my longing for him was transference based in infant feelings (although I didn't know it) and and adult friendship would ultimately have felt like betrayal. There's no way he could have been the same person in a friendship as he was in that 1 hour per week.

I spent the two years, initially protecting and loving him, then eventually coming to realise how I was betrayed by his loose boundaries, how I was paying him for nothing all that time. Love turned to anger, turned to hurt and then began to fade. I suspect you will feel differently after two years. I really hope you do. I have a horrible feeling if you count the days for the next two years you might be confronted with radio silence at the end of it. And that would be an intolerable further betrayal to you, no doubt.

The whole situation is horrible (and he could have avoided it by behaving ethically) and I'm afraid there can be no fairy tale ending. Him leaving you holding on to hope like this, I feel is one final disservice to you.

Wishing you healing.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

One of the reasons for the two years is that transference feelings are likely to shift in two years. When my first therapist contacted me and invited friendship after 20 months, my feelings towards him had changed and I was angry with him for contacting me out of the blue to meet his own needs. If he had done that straight away I guarantee I would have gone to the end of the earth to have a friendship and that would have ended very badly because my longing for him was transference based in infant feelings (although I didn't know it) and and adult friendship would ultimately have felt like betrayal. There's no way he could have been the same person in a friendship as he was in that 1 hour per week.

I spent the two years, initially protecting and loving him, then eventually coming to realise how I was betrayed by his loose boundaries, how I was paying him for nothing all that time. Love turned to anger, turned to hurt and then began to fade. I suspect you will feel differently after two years. I really hope you do. I have a horrible feeling if you count the days for the next two years you might be confronted with radio silence at the end of it. And that would be an intolerable further betrayal to you, no doubt.

The whole situation is horrible (and he could have avoided it by behaving ethically) and I'm afraid there can be no fairy tale ending. Him leaving you holding on to hope like this, I feel is one final disservice to you.

Wishing you healing.

Maybe I will, maybe I wont. I am a very loyal person and I already KNOW he is flawed, he's been very angry and pissy with me many times, he has talked about his own flaws as a husband and friend etc, so I never saw him as "perfect" and maybe we would never be friends but I'd like to be able to catch up and see how he is doing. When he has been so open about his life to me every week for the past 20 months, I really cared about him and the things he was talking about.

I hope he isn't gonna do that radio silence, he promised he wouldn't and I know that he has had many people from his past contact him after years and years of no talking and he has meet up with them or called them back etc. Sure there is a chance none of us will care in 2 years but there's also a chance, that this was actually REAL and we both, at the very least, might wanna catch up.

The thing is, he would never contact me first. He has rules about that. So this is all on me in 2 years, if I want to. Feelings can change over time about anyone though, even if you are on contact with them still.

[LonesomeTonight]

The other thing I was going to say is along the lines of what Echos said. I've been told that the 2-year thing is because of the power differential in the relationship and due to its one-sidedness. The T naturally holds more power during the therapy time, because they're being paid, they reveal less about themselves than the client, etc. So it could be difficult to shift into a friendship and have it seem equal, if it happened immediately after therapy ended. But with the waiting period, I think the idea is that, when that amount of time has passed, it wouldn't necessarily feel like the same type of one-sided relationship? I'm doing a poor job of explaining this... (Someone, help!)

I know another reason, that likely wouldn't apply in your case, is if a client wanted to see their T as a therapist again. If they switched to a friendship, then going back to the therapeutic relationship seems like it would be very difficult. But, in your case, since your T is leaving the field, I don't think it would be an issue.

[I know this isn't what you're asking about, but for romantic/sexual stuff, I think the idea of the 2-year rule is so a T won't terminate with a client just so they can immediately get romantically or sexually involved with them. I think the idea of the 2 years there is sort of a cooling-off period. And I think even then the T (for psychologists at least) could need to sort of prove that they didn't think it would be harmful to the client. But anyway...]

So back to the friendship thing, current T has said I don't really know him, that I don't know what he's like outside the therapy room. That me or another client might not *want* to be friends with him. And if they became friends with him and saw him in a different light, it could shift how they felt about the therapy. Which has happened with a few people here on PC (not with my T of course!) I know it's easy to think "But my T is different! They were very real to me in the therapy room." It's still not possible to know until you would get to know them in more of a friendship role, where they're also telling you about their problems, not always acting caring, etc.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Ya he was LMFT. The reason he claims there is no contact is because he isn't at the company anymore, had he been there, I could email sometimes but he also said "We couldn't be pen pals so I couldn't write back" Yet he also told me that he is more than willing to talk to me if we see each other out and about, although highly unlikely... and he "liked" my dog's Facebook page so he can keep "updated" through that. He told me any requests I send, he would ignore, because supposedly I am entitled to privacy, but, I mean, if I request someone, I obviously don't care if they see stuff. I think he's just insanely confused. He even told me a client from 3 months ago texted him last week, but that was to ask if she could see him again for a session, but still.....

And yes I know social workers have the tougher rules... and I believe the therapists who are part of the APA.

Hm, yeah, his reasons behind the rules seem kinda confusing. And the privacy thing should be up to you, not him. But maybe he's just not sure how to explain.


And yes, psychologists are the ones who are part of the APA (they have a long code of ethics on their website). Of course not all of them really follow it...T was telling me the other day about some (well, not sure if psychologists or just therapists) he knows who don't follow certain rules, including becoming close friends with clients who recently terminated (my T follows the rules though, from what he said).

I think it is important to acknowledge that therapy stops being therapy when that anticipated 2-year period begins. So one can no longer expect it to be without frustration any more than anything else in life. Even the possible relationship after that time is no longer meant to provide you with attention, support, or whatever you were used to during therapy.

When I ended therapy, it wasn't all at once. I planned to do that but what happened was still emailing with the Ts for a good while and even went back to a couple more sessions with both. In retrospect, that contact did not provide me anything useful, it more just prolonger and refreshed some of my frustrations (with first T) and extended a useless habit (with second T). It all stopped gradually and my urges about contacting them weakened and eventually vanished completely.

What is very hard to see and accept because it is so fresh, is that your feelings, perceptions and expectations are very likely to go through many changes in the future. Probably even sooner than you would think right now. I was not in your shoes but what I have experienced is how dynamic the whole thing, how much and how many times my assessments, feelings and conclusions regarding my past therapy has changed. It's actually been pretty amazing and often enjoyable - still a strong sense of learning and discovering stuff, actually for me even more after therapy than what was during. The distance really clarifies and opens up new perceptions and realizations. This is a strong part of why I keep using this forum - I read others' experiences, express opinions, and keep re-evaluating my own past experiences and its conclusions in a very dynamic way. This is now more useful for me than the ongoing therapy in the past. And now it's all free! I definitely did not know all these shifts would happen just after terminating therapy - for me back then most of what I wanted was to be over it and move on. But it keeps unfolding in my mind and I don't need any contact with the Ts for it to happen.

Another thing I often suggest to people is to look at it as suddenly, abruptly giving up a rewarding habit. You will no doubt experience intense cravings for a while, maybe even quite long, and some states may be very uncomfortable. But it will lessen, you probably cannot imagine now but it will! The no contact is actually very much in line with easing the discomfort as the reinforcer is stopped completely. I know that I may sound boring always using the addiction analogy, but it is not without reason - many people, including yourself, get intensely hooked on therapy. It really works very similarly to giving up a drug of choice - the brain processes it similarly. I sympathize with you, not so much via my therapy but from getting sober from substance abuse. It was hands down the most difficult experience of my life and those cravings in the beginning felt out of this world, totally mind-altering and uncomfortable to extremes. I often felt intensely desperate, sometimes even suicidal in those states because it felt like I was stick with them and would experience them forever, and I did not want to continue struggling that way. I don't know for sure but I would not expect the desires for a person to reach the same state because the person (your ex-T) did not dose you with chemicals directly but indirectly I think that's what happens. So now your brain needs to get used to not getting your fix and it will take a while. But it will get easier if you stick with it, I would gladly sign a guarantee for you if I could and that helped. Your perceptions and expectations will also change. It's a gigantic darn patience game

[DP_2017]

LT

I get that, except, in my case, he literally DID share all kinds of personal stuff with me, AND my friend, who he also was chummy with. She even said "I know more about your therapist than I do the people I work with and I've worked here for 4 years"

We have gone "out of office" for stuff and it felt so natural, and while it was "for therapy" in MOST cases, some it was not, technically... although he's trying to claim that now. The game we played on the final day, people would LOSE THEIR MINDS if they knew a therapist did that with a client, especially because it wasn't our first time playing it.

that being said, I'm well aware that he could be different in some ways, he is probably actually more pissy.... but I am also a very accepting person. I can separate the stuff in the room VS other things... and to be honest not much "drama" happened in the room. 90% of the time we just talked about casual stuff or laughed and screwed around. It already felt like more of a friendship than anything. I even told him that....

I mean, in a sense I get that, because a lot of T's don't share super personal stuff or don't express emotions with clients, and some clients view T's as "perfect" or whatever, so it could be shocking but this is why I struggle with some of the rules, because they don't "FIT" everyone, they just assume we all are the same.

For me. I feel like I lost a good friend, not "a therapist" and I out right told him, I've only ever seen you as (INSERT NAME) the man I've gotten to know, not as a therapist.

And yes I would have no chance of seeing him again, I asked him 4 times in the last few sessions about if he would ever do therapy again and he said its very unlikely, he is so miserable with it and in all the therapy jobs he has had, none of them "felt right" so he thinks it's time to move on from that field. He won't outright say never but he thinks he is more likely to win the lottery.

*And side note... of course people can change or be different than expected, family or friends included. It's hugely why I never "get to really know" anyone because I've seen people be fake so so often with others* Also, I'm not trying to sound rude to you, just trying to say, yes I get what your saying but here's why it doesn't really fit for me or make sense completely

[nottrustin]

2 years isn't a law but what is strongly encouraged by their licensing board. Different boards have different rules. For LCWS it is 2 years. For LCPC, they should never form a friendship. I believe the 2 years is so the client is in a different place and less likely to be really hurt by the friendship. If a client becomes friends with their T and something goes wrong the Ts license could be on the line. Plus many Ts do agree with the rule in order to protect the client. If the really car they want to the best possible by the client. I know it sucks 2 years seem like a long time. If in 2 years either party forgets our decides the no longer cares then wasn't the relationship built on the therapeutic relationship rather than mutual friendship.

[DP_2017]

X

Oh no doubt, I know that, it's like with grief in general. I still miss my dog every day of my life but I'm able to feel more "normal" now, and not like my world is ending. I've made peace with him being gone. I have also acknowledged, here and to him, that in 2 years neither of us may care and that's ok, it's all on me to reach out if I decide at the point

I think what you said right off is good... like he is SO paranoid and anxious about getting in trouble and yes we even discussed that, and he told me "I will feel more comfortable and less anxious about it all in a few years time" so in that way, it's like, he's asking me for that space to see how we both feel then, and I get it. I guess what you said also makes sense, because if I was allowed to still talk, I would be bugging him a lot.... and maybe that is ok in a few years but for now, we both need time to see if this is really a thing or not. If it is, great, if not, that's ok too. (well it doesn't seem that way now but in 2 years I'm sure I will be ok with it not being a thing)

I am sure there are plenty of "bad" stories with this, heck I have read them on here but there has to be good ones too? Right? Therapists and clients are humans after all, so therefore, sometimes, good things come in unexpected ways sometimes.

The thing is, also about your attention and support etc, OMG I'd love to be able to actually support him... I don't care so much about that for me, I'm used to not having it and I LOATHE attention so I'd be happy to not have that. I told him, all the sessions we did out of office felt more natural for me, because I felt we could just be... two people talking and laughing and just being in public, I didn't feel like he was sitting there looking at me and wanting me to say certain things, which is why I hated office sessions. (just wanted to point that out cuz I'm odd and seriously therapy was so awful for me in THAT sense, I only kept going to talk to him because we had so much fun together )

** Also, I am for sure not gonna sit around and count the days, I'd go insane. I am only struggling now because the reality of him being gone has hit me but I am making plans, like for travel and such. I have a new job and I plan to move and do volunteer things, I am even teaching a class in May, so I've got things to look forward to besides obsess over him. I had to do that sort of thing too when my dog died, or i would have gone crazy*

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

If in 2 years either party forgets our decides the no longer cares then wasn't the relationship built on the therapeutic relationship rather than mutual friendship.

Well we wouldn't have a friendship yet but yes... it makes sense although, as a therapeutic relationship, it would be very hurtful still to know you were no longer cared about or remembered

[feileacan]

I don't know about 2 years no contact rule. I've terminated relationship with one T and during termination we agreed that I will write him about once a year and if I do then he will respond with more than just acknowledging my writing and so it has been for the last two years. Although he told me that he will not forget me it is important for me to read it out from his response to me.

However, our correspondence is definitely not one of friends. I don't know what it is - he has responded to me solely focussing on me, so this makes it therapisty. On the other hand, the way he has written to me has had a sense of companionship or fellow traveller in life, like someone older and wiser who acknowledges my troubles in life and because he has had his own troubles in life. I feel incredibly privileged to have had the possibility to know this man and to occupy some space in his mind.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

X

I guess what you said also makes sense, because if I was allowed to still talk, I would be bugging him a lot.... and maybe that is ok in a few years but for now, we both need time to see if this is really a thing or not. If it is, great, if not, that's ok too. (well it doesn't seem that way now but in 2 years I'm sure I will be ok with it not being a thing)

I am sure there are plenty of "bad" stories with this, heck I have read them on here but there has to be good ones too? Right? Therapists and clients are humans after all, so therefore, sometimes, good things come in unexpected ways sometimes.

The thing is, also about your attention and support etc, OMG I'd love to be able to actually support him... I don't care so much about that for me, I'm used to not having it and I LOATHE attention so I'd be happy to not have that. I told him, all the sessions we did out of office felt more natural for me, because I felt we could just be... two people talking and laughing and just being in public, I didn't feel like he was sitting there looking at me and wanting me to say certain things, which is why I hated office sessions. (just wanted to point that out cuz I'm odd and seriously therapy was so awful for me in THAT sense, I only kept going to talk to him because we had so much fun together )

Your feelings about your therapist are stronger and indicate that you have hopes of close friendship rather than a boundaried professional therapy/client relationship. Those kinds of feelings and expectations are the "poster child" reasons for why that distance is needed post-therapy.

I never lost contact with any of my therapists, but I also never expected them to be close friends with me (and they never presented themselves that way during therapy such as the thousands of text messages you mentioned earlier -- that's not very boundaried). I didn't have strong transference issues going on. I had no desire for them to continue to work with me as a therapist. We had professionally boundaried interactions while I was in therapy, and the contact post-therapy was infrequent and still somewhat boundaried.

While friendly and personal, I had no expectation such as what you seem to be saying of "supporting" my old therapists or being out in public like friends. You speak of knowing you'd continue to bug him if you had the ability to contact him. He knows that, and that is why he put the firm boundary in place. Another client, a different client, might not have the propensity/need for that kind of contact and he might feel more comfortable with occasional contact with that other client because he knows it won't become an issue for that other client. In your case, he knows continued contact will be fraught with complications and further expectations.

[DP_2017]

AW

I don't desire a close friendship. I was just assuming we were going to be friends based on how we acted, no it was not professional at all... and it's NOT just me... he was very into it all as well, he knows how to say no but never did.

I am completely ok with only contact in the future... I am open to whatever is meant to be will happen. Even if that means nothing.

I wouldn't bug him per say, that was bad wording, I hate feeling needy and I actually apologized constantly to him for even 1 email or anything. I always gave him space, we had our set times to text every week and unless he texted me randomly first, I stuck to that. I can not and will not be the needy or clingy type person. I very much respect people's space.

He has said ALL clients, in his past, get the same rule, it isn't just me.....

And that's completely fine if you didn't want to support your T or anything, most people don't because they only see them as a professional, kind of my point, we didn't have that kind of relationship... and there is nothing wrong with wanting to support someone whom you care about, I don't care what he does for a living, or did.

[piggy momma]

In Canada the law is no relationships for two years or as long as the person remains vulnerable. So in five years, if you’re still deemed vulnerable, it would be a hard no. Now that’s for Psychologists, I have no idea what it is for others and if they are as heavily regulated.

My advice would be as hard as it is just move on with your life and see what happens down the road. You may meet someone who can give you what you’re longing for. I’d also recommend finding a new therapist who can help you work through all your feelings.

[DP_2017]

PM

It's not about meeting new people to fill needs, I am fine with meeting someone if it happens, it's about catching up with someone who meant a lot to you, that's something people do often. I even have done it with teachers in my past. There is nothing wrong with saying "Hey, how you been? Hope life is going well for you, if you wanna catch up, I'm open to that" and that's all this is, beyond that, if it was meant for anything more, it would be, if no, thats fine too. Again it's all on me to reach out AND I'm well aware feelings change in time, I even told him we both may not care then....

I have 0 desire to ever go through the mess of therapy again, thanks but no thanks

[DP_2017]

As I'm reading the replies and reflecting a bit, I thought of something. In a way, as much as it sucks RIGHT NOW, this is a gift from him.... not that he's a bad person, I 100% believe he is a kind hearted person.

However, right now, I know he is going through a lot.... he has told me several personal reasons why he had to leave, but to give him and me time to step back and work on our own stuff... me and my self worth and such and him and his things, it might be a good thing. I mean, MAYBE we are meant to be friends or something but if so, then we will fall right back into things like no time has passed, he wont forget me, It will all work out

If we are not, then at that time, I wont care, I may wonder how he is but it wont be some desire within me to reach out. That's why I think he's giving me the option to reach out. 2 years is long but also time flies. It's nearly been 2 years since I even began therapy.

I just gotta try to think about the good we had, and make the best of things, work on myself and my future and see how I feel in two years time. Wether or not he responds if I reach out, will be a reflection of how he feels then too. Maybe he wont be ready, maybe he will. Only time will tell.

I never thought I'd be able to breathe one day without my dog.... and it's been 14 months now.

[elisewin]

I find the 2-year-rule (or practise if there is no rule) really weird and a bit on a nonsense side to be perfectly honest.

Also I think there are two possible reasons he wants to keep it. Either he thinks contact is not good for you and not having it is the right thing to do professionally or he does not want to keep contact for his own reasons. I am not suggesting he doesn't like you or such, but the reasons might be something he doesn't want to share, ever and coming from the mindset he is in atm.

I am wondering if it would be best to try to stay in touch with people that does not have limitations of any kind: friends, co-workers, people in hobbies etc. And trust that time will tell if you and T are reconnecting at some point.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by elisewin

I find the 2-year-rule (or practise if there is no rule) really weird and a bit on a nonsense side to be perfectly honest.

Also I think there are two possible reasons he wants to keep it. Either he thinks contact is not good for you and not having it is the right thing to do professionally or he does not want to keep contact for his own reasons or. I am not suggesting he doesn't like you or such, but the reasons might be something he doesn't want to share, ever and coming from the mindset he is in atm.

I am wondering if it would be best to try to stay in touch with people that does not have limitations of any kind: friends, co-workers, people in hobbies etc. And trust that time will tell if you and T are reconnecting at some point.

I have plenty of people I keep in touch with and talk to regularly, sometimes you just really connect with someone though... it happens.

He says the 2 year rule is for ALL clients and has always been that way for him. He does it for his own anxiety about getting in trouble, he's too paranoid about the small chance he could.

However I am glad you find it a nonsense rule too. It really is. Adults should be able to make up their own minds about such decisions.

Again, he told me he is more than willing to chat with me if we run into each other, he even joked about coming to my city more often, and he liked my dog's page soley for the purpose of keeping updates with me and my dog and he told me many many many times he is ok with me reaching out in 2 years, he will feel more comfortable then, and he promised, at least as a common courtesy to reply if I do. Even if it's just to say he isn't wanting to catch up. I don't think it's me at all. He even texted me at 945pm the night of my last session... and early the next day before he lost his phone. I believe it is just his anxiety and a professional fear he said "They drill this stuff into your mind in training and it gives you anxiety" ...I just don't get the point of it in general, like you, it seems ridiculous... although I get wanting to take time away to see if we can still "click" without the weekly sessions

[Merope]

I think it's an umbrella thing that is applicable to therapy in general and can, therefore, be unfitting/cruel/unfair when it comes to individual cases. I think your T seems afraid of making any "general" mistakes, so he's saying no to everybody because it's easier than considering the needs of his clients on an individual level.

I also think it's ok to question this and be angry and try to find loopholes (even merely theoretical ones). I know how hard it can be to stay away from someone you love just because you put them first and have to respect their wants/boundaries. It feels a little like you're the one who ends up hurting/sacrificing. It's not fair. Therapy may have good intentions but I don't think we are built to be ok with an ending that is neither natural nor mutually agreed. And in your case, it came both as a shock and it happened very quickly.

I've been following your posts about this and I would just like to say that I think you're dealing with this soooo much better than you probably think you are. I think you're being super brave and the fact that you are making plans for the future shows that you are strong. I think that if you keep busy, two years can fly by. Maybe not at first, but once you get used to not seeing him on a weekly basis, it will get easier.

Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. Who knows, maybe in two years you will end up being friends. Or maybe you will not and that will be ok too, because you will no longer feel the need for him as you do now. Sadly, some people are meant to be in our lives for a short amount of time, but that doesn't mean that their positive influence won't stay with us forever. From what you have said, you both shared a very intimate connection and I really don't think that he will be able to just forget that or stop caring about you.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I have 2 parts to this post.

1-- Can anyone (KINDLY) explain the point of two years of no contact? Especially since, at least in my area, it is not against the law and there is no rules on it specifically, even my T acknowledged it. He says it is "best practice" though so he does it. Also, in my case, he is no longer doing therapy, so it really seems odd.

I'm struggling to see the point of this, therapy is supposed to be about helping people but stuff like this is really hurtful. Knowing he is out there, and his former co workers (if they want) or basically anyone else can talk to him, but me and a few other clients, makes me feel like something is wrong with me, like I'm not good enough, worthless etc. None of this is helpful for someone who already feels low about themselves. It's making me question everything and wish I never trusted him, reminding me to never trust anyone else. Things like that. I tried talk to him about this in the last few sessions but he was either defensive about it or just talked in circles (things like, those are your feelings, you are allowed to have them)

I can't help but think, two years is a long time and we will probably be distant memories to each other. I know for me, I wont forget him, he was hugely impactful in my life and I truly do love him, but to him, I was apparently "just a client" --even though I was his final client ever, I still can't convince myself he wont forget me. Heck, in a few months, he probably will already. I can't understand how our relationship seemingly meant nothing to him, when it was obvious he had feelings for me. Other people saw that too. THOUSANDS of texts exchanged between us and when I called him out on that in the sense of "this isn't something you do with everyone, there had to be feelings there" he got defensive and said he didn't deny it. He couldn't say anything because I would assume then, that it has to continue on... well, yes, typically when two humans connect and have something great, they do continue on...... and then he also used the excuse of "you asked for all that stuff, so I did it" --even though MANY of the times, he initiated. There is many many things that made me KNOW he felt something. I'm terrible at reading people but that was obvious to me but now it feels like, everything was a lie, and I am meaningless to him. Will he even care about me in a week? Let alone, 2 long years?

Two years seems so ridiculous, why not one? What is the actual point if there is no law or rule? I'm so confused. Contact is not the worst thing on earth, it doesn't mean you have to be besties. While he seemed VERY open to and ok with me contacting him and even promised at the very least he will reply out of courtesy, I can't help but think, in 2 years, he wont know who I am even, so why would he bother?

2-- For those of you who have gone through this mess....
How hard was it getting through the two years? Did it go fast or seem like eternity? Did you end up reaching out? Did they reply? Did you ever meet up? How are things with you know?

Again, I am not wanting judgemental or rude replies, just kind or helpful. I really need to try and make sense of this because I'm feeling so low and SO regretful, of things I didn't say or ask and now I can't.... because of who I am.

you said it yourself. he's very important to you and you won't forget him. he will probably forget you. those were your words. his powerful effect on you is not the same effect you have on him. which shows the power imbalance in therapy. it's not against the law but for many therapists it's against their ethical standards. it is putting the client in a vulnerable position to be taken advantage of.

imagine two years down the line and you contact this t. and you don't get a response. wouldn't you feel devastated? now, do you think he would feel devastated?

therapy has an inherent imbalance of power from day 1. I seem to remember you saying your t said you made him uncomfortable. and you were torn up about that. his words had a powerful effect on you because you thought things were a different way. this is because of the dynamics in therapy.

whether most want to admit it or not... the therapist is in a position of power. and the client is in a vulnerable position. whether you go there for light chats or processing trauma. whether you want to believe you're not in a vulnerable position, or that therapists have no power and are just like a peer. these inherent dynamics are at play. usually it goes unnoticed because it doesn't ever become an issue. which is good!

(these are my opinions)

[junkDNA]

but with all that said DP I'm sorry your therapy was cut short so unexpectedly. I can't imagine if my t were to do that with me

[DP_2017]

Junk

I could see how that COULD be the issue, except that I'm literally that way with everyone in my life. It's due to my bad self worth and anxiety. I even tell my best friend, whom I've known for 6 years, on a regular basis that she wont stick around and she will get sick of me. If she goes on a trip, even for a weekend, I tell her "Have fun but I am sure you will forget me" I think it's always been my way to protect myself, to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

The sad thing is, my mom made me this way, even now, on a near daily basis, she tells me how worthless I am. The other weird part is, I know I'm a good person with good qualities, I know I am funny and kind and all that but I have a really hard time believing anyone else thinks I'm worth it.

This is not a power imbalance thing in this case, unless every person in my life has that with me. I keep people distant to avoid hurt and this is part of how I do that.

Do I think I mean as much to him as he does to me? No, I'm not an idiot. It doesn't however mean, that I can't try to prepare myself that he will forget me or anything. Again, no one knows what tomorrow brings, let alone two years, I get that. We both might be up for it, we both might not and if only one of us is, then I think by then it wont be that big of a deal.

For me as well, I'm used to routine. I get very frazzled and anxious with big change... so now all this regular stuff I had with him is gone.

My logical side KNOWS he wont forget me, I mean, I was his final client ever. I gave him so many things that he said he was gonna keep, we had so many inside jokes that things in every day life would prompt him to think of me. How can you forget someone you shared thousands of texts with? I know he wont.... even though he wont think of me often or it wont be life or death for him.... It's not like a few years from now he will be stumped. he literally told me a few weeks ago, some woman from elementary school contacted him, they had not talked in all that time but he instantly knew who she was. However the anxiety part of my mind, which often "wins", tells me, he is no different than others in my life, how could he like me for real? How could he really care? How can he want to remember me? Things like that.
As I said, I am still trying to ACCEPT that my Best friend likes and cares about me. It's a hard struggle but in time I'll get there. His goodbye letter was very reflecting of this very issue. Trying to remind me of all the GOOD about me....

I still need to work on my self worth and anxiety no doubt.... but this isn't a T thing, it's a me and other people thing...

* and the uncomfortable thing was a misunderstanding, we talked it out and he made a lot of sense to me after that. Who wouldn't be upset by that though? Even a co worker say that to me, I'd feel hurt. I don't like the idea of making anyone uncomfortable*

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Junk

I could see how that COULD be the issue, except that I'm literally that way with everyone in my life. It's due to my bad self worth and anxiety. I even tell my best friend, whom I've known for 6 years, on a regular basis that she wont stick around and she will get sick of me. If she goes on a trip, even for a weekend, I tell her "Have fun but I am sure you will forget me" I think it's always been my way to protect myself, to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

The sad thing is, my mom made me this way, even now, on a near daily basis, she tells me how worthless I am. The other weird part is, I know I'm a good person with good qualities, I know I am funny and kind and all that but I have a really hard time believing anyone else thinks I'm worth it.

This is not a power imbalance thing in this case, unless every person in my life has that with me. I keep people distant to avoid hurt and this is part of how I do that.

Do I think I mean as much to him as he does to me? No, I'm not an idiot. It doesn't however mean, that I can't try to prepare myself that he will forget me or anything. Again, no one knows what tomorrow brings, let alone two years, I get that. We both might be up for it, we both might not and if only one of us is, then I think by then it wont be that big of a deal.

For me as well, I'm used to routine. I get very frazzled and anxious with big change... so now all this regular stuff I had with him is gone.

My logical side KNOWS he wont forget me, I mean, I was his final client ever. I gave him so many things that he said he was gonna keep, we had so many inside jokes that things in every day life would prompt him to think of me. How can you forget someone you shared thousands of texts with? I know he wont.... even though he wont think of me often or it wont be life or death for him.... It's not like a few years from now he will be stumped. he literally told me a few weeks ago, some woman from elementary school contacted him, they had not talked in all that time but he instantly knew who she was. However the anxiety part of my mind, which often "wins", tells me, he is no different than others in my life, how could he like me for real? How could he really care? How can he want to remember me? Things like that.
As I said, I am still trying to ACCEPT that my Best friend likes and cares about me. It's a hard struggle but in time I'll get there. His goodbye letter was very reflecting of this very issue. Trying to remind me of all the GOOD about me....

I still need to work on my self worth and anxiety no doubt.... but this isn't a T thing, it's a me and other people thing...

* and the uncomfortable thing was a misunderstanding, we talked it out and he made a lot of sense to me after that. Who wouldn't be upset by that though? Even a co worker say that to me, I'd feel hurt. I don't like the idea of making anyone uncomfortable*

best of luck to you