In Session Today: Part VI

Today’s session was a powerful conversation on the value of ‘unpractising’. I began by apologising for the email, as per usual.
‘I accept your apology, but I don’t know why you are apologising.’
‘It was the sober equivalent of a drunk email. It felt very disjointed.’

‘Was it reflective of how you felt in that moment?’

‘Yes.’

I explained that I wanted to read something I had written and posted in an online grief support group. ‘I have done a couple of online grief writing courses.’

‘Since lockdown?’

‘No, before that. I am in a group where people who’ve done previous courses all connect. So I wrote this and posted it there first, but I wanted to share it with you.’
‘Not everybody goes through what I go through at this time of year, every year. I hear some self-compassion there.’
I explained that I am tired of spending 70% of my time on the verge of tears. ‘I am still irritated that this is forcing me to find new coping strategies at this time.’
R understands that this is usually an intense time for me anyway, but with the pandemic it is worse.
‘Some of my coping strategies at the moment involve weekly check in and write in sessions with the women writers group I am a member of. It’s over Zoom. It’s one of the only things that feel normal at the moment.’
I explained that the facilitator had said she was doing a series of online classes with one of my favourite poets. ‘I looked at it, but didn’t think I could justify it right now.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Financially.’ I explained that Dal had pointed out the bursary, and I had gone for it.
‘I was expecting writing exercises. I wasn’t expecting to have a notebook and hang on every word.’
‘Sounds like it surpassed your expectations?’
‘David Whyte is the poet whose work does to me what mine does to other people.’
‘It has meaning, depth and emotion?’

‘Yes.’
‘That’s obviously based on feedback you have received.’

I explained that David Whyte talks for an hour, and then there is a Q+A.
‘I haven’t asked anything yet, I am working up to it, because there are two more opportunities. Somebody asked a question about bringing courage to trauma, which is the most David Whyte thing I want to hear David Whyte talk about, but his response began with ‘When you are sitting with someone who is dying…’ and I had to scarper.’
I noticed that R closed her eyes and a pained expression passed over her face.

‘From your reaction, you know how that hit me.’

‘Yes.’
‘Fortunately I went straight from David Whyte’s session into Dal’s. We talked about it a bit because she knows.’ I explained that I feel there’s a difference between people who know and people who understand.
‘I hear a desperate strength in that. You are reaching out even though it is uncomfortable.’
‘I’ve never heard the words ‘desperate’ and ‘strength’ together in the same sentence.’
For some reason I got it into my head that we were coming to a close.
‘I’ve done that thing again where I have something to ask.’

‘Go for it.’

‘Other than the way in which we are working now, has anything changed between us?’

‘Are you asking in terms of the relationship between you and I?’

‘Yes.’

‘Reading between the lines, what I hear you asking is ‘Is what I am bringing OK?’ And yes, absolutely. Nothing at all has changed.’

‘Next week I want to talk about masks. I am very fortunate to still have support workers coming in. That was part of the difficulty to which I alluded in yesterday’s email. My visit got cancelled with half an hour’s notice. Even though it’s almost a glorified doctor’s appointment, that walk means a lot to me. They ask the question and mean it.’
‘Do they now have to wear masks?’

‘Yes, and I understand the hygiene aspect, but that really hinders my capacity for connection.’

R mentioned that she finds it odd going to the supermarket.

‘Everything you have been working on. Who the **** am I holding it together for? Holding it together has become a habit, and perhaps you need to unpractice that. I’m making up words again.’
‘I like it when you make up words.’

‘It’s a skill not everybody has.’ We both laughed, and that felt so good.
‘Plus, it is medicalised,’ she continued.

‘I hadn’t put that together until now.’ I explained that my brain is like a fireworks display at the moment.
‘My brain isn’t too good either.’
‘There are lots of things I want to say, but can’t. I feel weird for not having the capacity to care about the pandemic. How dare I have this emotional response while something huge is going on?’

‘I hear the harshness in that. We talked a bit about this last week, but I would be more surprised if you didn’t have your normal response to this time of year.’

‘With the anniversary cycle over, usually I would get a reprieve, but this year, that isn’t the case. If the filter has a setting for intensity of experience, it has been turned way up.’
I remarked. ‘I don’t want to be armoured like a medieval knight. I would settle for being armoured like a tortoise is.’

R and I had an interesting conversation about our relationship. She assured me that if there was anything she felt uneasy about she would say.
‘Thank you. I’ve been in situations before where things needed to be said, and weren’t.’

‘Within the form of counselling I am trained in, we are equals. I am a trained therapist, but we are two human beings in a relationship. They call it relational depth, and you and I work at quite a deep level.’

I asked whether we could do some breathing, after telling her about yesterday’s experience of an online Loving Kindness meditation.

‘Somebody from the grief support group mentioned that his local Buddhist centre have moved all of their events online for the time being. That’s how I got through last Wednesday’s anniversary, with a breathing meditation. I didn’t realise that this week’s was a Loving Kindness meditation.’

R asked more about the process, and I explained briefly.
‘We started with a body scan, and that has never made me cry before. The facilitator said ‘Now we’re noticing physical sensations’. I had video and audio off, so I was there but not there. I am noticing that I am crying.’

I refrained from talking about the difficulty of extending loving kindness to oneself.

We shifted into talking briefly about my remark that I have no capacity to deal with the pandemic. R explained that she had a similar conversation with her supervisor. In order to protect herself, she has not looked at the news for two days.
I asked whether we could do some breathing, and R used my firework imagery to create a visualisation of a firework display that decreases in volume, but remains beautiful and safe.
‘How are your shoulders? Concrete? When I’m working with you, I always become aware of my own.’
We finished the exercise with a couple of deep breaths before R asked whether I felt safe to leave it there.

A bit from Wednesday (just had half-session/check-in):
About 5 minutes from the end, I started crying. I said, "I'm not sure if you've noticed, but lately I've been crying when it's close to the end of session. It's just hard to say goodbye and go back to the real world. I really appreciate all the support you've given me lately." Dr. T: "Awww." Me: "It's just sort of like you're here on my computer screen, then, poof, you're gone. The ending is more abrupt." Dr. T: "No walking into the sunset." Me: "Yeah, and I don't have the transition of a drive home, it just ends, and that's it. I'm immediately back to my life."


I said something else about video sessions being different. Dr. T: "And this medium doesn't come naturally to me." Me: "You seem to be doing OK with them." Dr. T: "Fake it till you make it, I guess." Me: "Yeah." Dr. T: "This has all been very hard for me, too, because some of my clients are really struggling right now, and this is all that I can give them." (referring to video sessions). I forget what I said to that, but it touched me (I'm sure I'm one of the clients he's referencing), knowing that it's hard for him as well, feeling so limited. Me (still crying): "I know we have to stop. Maybe we need to talk about some of this more next session." We confirmed time of session (this afternoon). Dr. T: "Good luck with everything. Take care." Me: "You too."

I had a telephone session with Regular T on Saturday. It was stressful. She confronted one of my delusions which I then said wasn't a delusion. Basically she thinks it is a delusion and I don't think it is a delusion. She said to talk to my PDOC about it. She asked if PDOC knew about it and I was like, IDK, and she was like be sure to tell him.


We talked about my Mom. She labels my childhood as abusive. I don't know that I do. I think my parents loved me when I was a kid, my Dad was just absent and my Mom was just suffering from Bipolar and lashing out at us kids because it was untreated and stuff. I spent a lot of time alone. I didn't learn how to handle my emotions. Sometimes my Mom was physically abusive in her behavior to us. But I don't know. I still don't label it as abuse. It was more like we were taking care of my Mom or staying out of her way. I remember being afraid of my Mom. She was so super hard on us growing up. We had to be perfect all the time and of course that is impossible. But I think my parents did the best they could and I don't think they intended malice.


She says we cater to my Mom even today. That we enable her. Probably. But partially my Mom has a lot of health problems. She needs our help. She just wouldn't be able to function normally without my Dad and me. But that puts a lot on me, on my plate and I don't disagree with that. She said that my family makes me out to be the crazy one when actually I'm quite sane and everyone else is ignoring their own MI issues. IDK, made me sad.


We talked about some stuff that I can't talk about here on this forum. It was pretty intense.


I had a pretty bad therapy hangover (I wasn't drunk--just exhausted from therapy afterwards). I slept for three hours afterwards. I felt nauseated. I felt foggy. I felt not like myself. It took me a while to come out of it. I went to bed early that night.

I have therapy tonight with Pastor T. I'm not looking forward to it. IDK why. I'm just not.


HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

She took the whole OD thing on Saturday pretty seriously. She said she was contemplating calling my mom after she got my email. She said next time she would hospitalize me though. I guess it went ok today though. She says my “coping skill” is ok since I’m not hurting anyone and it’s more of a sensory thing anyways. It was just the usual Covid talk, weight talk, food talk, etc. basically a normal session. I talked a lot more this time and went over a couple minutes which is very unusual.

Pdocs appointment went decently. I told him about the OD since he had to ask about SI. I treaded very very carefully to avoid an involuntary hospitalization. He scared me a bit about COVID.

Did a video session this time. I couldn't think of anything to say, just sat there feeling angry. It's weird, we've had phone sessions before that all right. I don't know why I hate the video so much but I do. I'm never doing that again.

T had a session with his supervisor so was obviously different yesterday which I commented on. He said the same thing for me.

-I told him that I felt shamed by him.
-He said he was sorry- that he was frustrated and felt disrespected when I couldn't hold on to what he was saying.
-First time he's called my zoning out dissociation.
-Brought up suicidal feelings which is what I was hinting at but never said directly last session.
-Stuff about pushing him away now.

I talked about Lady Diana Spencer after reading her autobiography and saying I also thought she was a borderline.



He really did try.

Intense but important session today. R pointed out that safe places didn't really exist for me in a sense, so I have had to create them.
Funny moment came when I was on the verge of opening up some about something, just after she'd let the cat out.
'...Does the cat need to come back in?'
'Don't use the cat, Lost! Sorry, that was a bit mother-like...'
'In future, 'using the cat' will become a by word...'

We had the conversation I've been holding off on about the marked difference in our way of working now.
It was excruciating, but I am glad that it's out in the open, and that it's not a figment of my imagination.

'I am a qualified therapist, but we are still two human beings in a relationship.'

Today didn’t go well. I told her some of my unhealthy thoughts. I told her I’ve been feeling down and depressed. I told her that sometimes I want to go to the hospital just to get restrained but then I get under my weighted blanket and things are ok. She said “yeah that’s for sure a sensory issue then.” she said that I need to have my sensory things with me like my blanket and other things when that happen. We talked about my new medication and the virus and stuff. I talked about a bad experience at the hospital

Idk. She seemed really distracted today. She kept hurrying me along and I had 15 minutes left and she ended a few minutes early she said she didn’t really have time for my emails this week. Like I could send them to her but that she wouldn’t really deal with them. She actually said the words “I don’t have time because of my other clients and my kids.” it really made me feel bad.

Today’s session was intense and heavy. R started the meeting and I began by thanking her for the email.

‘The intensity hasn’t changed at all. I say this as if I deserve a flaming medal, but Tuesday was the only day so far I haven’t cried.’

‘With the way you are measuring it, it’s almost like ‘I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be somebody who cries every day.’

‘Exactly. This reminds me of early grief – not that I remember the emotions, but I remember the facts.’

‘You know the timeline.’ I went on to explain about the conversation I had with my support worker. ‘I felt as though the silence was a little weird, so I said ‘I don’t trust myself to speak at the moment.’

‘What was the process behind that? You didn’t want to cry?’

‘Exactly. Then it happened three times in the middle of our conversation.’

‘How do you feel after you have cried?’

‘Emotionally, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Physically, my chest and shoulders ache.’

I mentioned that the choice between that and feeling numb was no choice at all.

‘It sounds as though you are in survival mode.’

‘The Critic would like to ban talking about before.’

‘The Critic can bugger off.’

‘Before all this happened, I felt as though I was reclaiming…getting my power back.’

‘And now there’s a hole in your fence, emotions are escaping, and you are trying to put the panel back, but you can’t find it. This survival mode feels a lot darker.’

‘It’s like survival mode without any of the things I need to make survival mode work.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R reassured me that I was safe, and she was there…at one point I thought she said something else.

‘No, I didn’t. I’m just sitting with you.’

‘Tidal waves are supposed to be a once in a while thing, not an every couple of days occurrence.’

‘When you say that, it helps me understand the intensity.’

‘There’s a word that is coming up for me that scares me to death. We’ve had a conversation about labels and both said we don’t like them. This word was used by another person to describe my experience…Depression.’
‘Do you feel depressed?’

‘My previous version of survival mode was one where I could be productive. I am struggling with motivation at the moment, and I know I am slipping because I can’t even listen to music.’ R and I had a chat about the structure of my days, which is almost non-existent.

She then said that she wanted to offer something. ‘I’m just going to bring in the word acceptance, and put it there. You don’t have to do anything with it, but don’t try to fight it.’

We ended up talking more about my conversation with my support worker. I mentioned that it was not the first time I had cried in front of her, and R picked up on my embarrassment. She made a comment to the effect of my not having had a conversation with myself about what would happen if I cried in front of my support worker.

‘Because of the kind of support I need, a certain level of vulnerability is to be expected, but that came as a surprise.’
R offered four things for me to consider as we brought the session to a close. She asked me to consider how acceptance might play a part in making me feel safer. She urged me to ‘Remember who you are, and the work you have done. That does not disappear. Reassure yourself that this is not forever. You are surviving.’
R said she had done a breathing exercise a few days ago that she wanted to share with me. We began by breathing in courage and exhaling fear, but eventually modified it to breathing in safety, and breathing out fear.
She asked me whether I felt OK to leave it there, and I said yes, I would email if anything came up.

‘And you’re welcome to do that.’ We set up for the same time next week.

On reflection, I refrained from talking about work, because I didn’t want to spend the whole session crying.

Another important session today, talking about the future of our relationship.
When I said that I was crying only once a week at this point, R said that was an improvement.

We had quite a conversation about competence and vulnerability.

A snippet (paraphrased for brevity, etc.):

Me: All of a sudden I realized how far I've come and how much I've changed, and thought, "WHOA. Three years ago, I was a MESS."
T: (starts to say something)
Me: Wait...'cause in that moment, I heard your voice trying to reframe that for me. You'd say something nice like...I dunno, but you'd reframe it to a you only know what you know thing. But the way I thought it felt most true: I was a mess. You don't need to say it, but I don't need you to reframe that for me. I don't want you to.
T: (laughs) Well, things in your life were certainly messy. (Which was as close as she got to agreeing.)

Later...
T: I might not have a job here much longer.
Me: ...? Oh. Yeah, No, you have to get me through school at least. You're stuck with me.

I intended to terminate therapy and had informed the therapist as much. I did not want a final session, but one occurred. I became confused and did not terminate.

He said he was happy to see me and that it had been two weeks since he last saw me, which I hadn't realized.

Talked about the books I sent and he explored that. My message had said Happy Christmas- why early? Leaving my stuff at his to remind him of me when I wasn't there?

Talked about fantasies and he normalized a lot of it + said he was surprised I didn't talk about sex. Back to shame.

Just said in mine he would pick me.

Said that I wanted to be loved unconditionally .

Didn't talk about X's death + just said that I would see him when I saw him.

Today’s session ended up being pretty intense. R started the call and remarked on my glasses.

‘I don’t think I have ever seen you in glasses before.’
‘Reading and close work – I have something I am intending to read. Thank you for your email by the way. Let’s start there.’ I took my glasses off and R wondered whether that was for her benefit.

‘After last session I was afforded some insight into my process around crying. The message ‘I shouldn’t cry’ remains dominant. I received an email with birthday wishes from a dear friend, and promptly broke down.’

‘I presume it was a nice email – so what was the difference between that and other times you have cried?’

‘This feels like a loss.’
‘It feels like a loss, or it is a loss?’

Out of nowhere, I began to cry. R urged me not to fight it, and to let go of any concern for her.

‘Just let it out if you need to. Let it all out.’ She reassured me that if she were in the same space, she would hold my hand or hug me.

‘I can still hold this space for you.’ I continued to cry, and try to gather myself.
‘It seems like a huge build up. This is the fragility you mentioned in the email...I can feel it’

I wanted to say ‘You said it,’ but continued to cry.

When I looked up, I noticed that the view I had of R had changed slightly. ‘I’m trying to move you closer to me.’

When I finally gathered myself, R asked me how I felt in that moment.

‘What the hell have I been doing?’

‘What the hell have I been doing? Is that anger?’

‘I have worked really hard to build a sense of safety, and it relies on things that are outside my control.’

‘External things.’

‘Yes.’

R said that she didn’t know anybody who doesn’t rely on external things as part of their sense of safety in difficult times.

‘And now under lockdown, you don’t have access to those things.’

‘We got away from the email. When I try to analyse things, please stop me.’

‘OK.’

‘When I composed myself the other day, I realised that there’s something around ‘I have to be OK, I don’t want people to worry about me.’

‘When you said ‘I have to be OK’, I felt my shoulders tense – that is a lot of pressure. And then ‘I don’t want people to worry about me.’ Is there something underneath that – ‘I am not worth worrying about?’

‘You said it. That links back to previous experiences where I was inundated with medical information, but didn’t ask them to stop. They had bigger things to worry about.’

‘There are bigger things to worry about than you?’
‘I didn’t choose the situation I was put in?’

‘No.’
R said something here about there being a difference in me from session to session – ‘Sometimes it’s ‘those bastards’, and other times, it’s more self-blame.’

‘If I could be in Professional Lost mode all the time and not have to deal with emotions, that would be ideal.’

‘As your therapist, who didn’t see you cry for years, I don’t want this to sound opinionated, but I am proud of you for allowing that to happen. I think you’ve been really brave. I remember the time you said ‘You don’t even know why I am crying.’ I don’t need to know.’

‘…Thank you.’

‘I felt like I might have overstepped then. Was it received in the way it was meant? I am not saying it to save you or make you feel better.’

‘Thank you – it was received in the way it was meant.’

‘There is a lot that I want to say, but I don’t know how.’

‘Try it?’

‘It has reached a point where it’s easier for me not to try to talk.’

‘Is that due to emotion or communication?’

‘Emotion, although I know it is better not to let it snowball.’

R said she could visualise that, and compared it to strength training.

‘This was not within your control. You don’t start with heavy weights.’

We finished with a breathing exercise, inhaling for 4, and exhaling for 5, then inhaling compassion and exhaling fear.

So I’ve been doing therapy again but on Thursday afternoons instead of Monday mornings. The first session was great. But since then I’ve been kinda running into the same issue I was running into before. These video sessions just suck. But going without therapy isn’t helping either.

My session was pretty stressful towards the end, and I had a staring spell afterwards and then fell asleep for 20 minutes.

Today’s session ended up being pretty gruelling. R started the call and asked how I am doing.

‘I don’t know how to answer that question. Thank you for your email.’

‘You’re welcome, Lost.’

I lapsed into silence before I simply said one word. ‘Weird.’

‘You feel weird?’ R then said that it sounded like I had been ‘holding on for a very long time.’ I promptly dissolved.

‘It’s OK, Lost. Let it out. I’m here. You’re safe.’

I cried for what felt like a long time, interspersed with remarks like ‘What the hell is going on?’

I composed myself, and R apologised – she felt like she might have triggered it with her phrasing.

‘I had a plan!’ I said ‘Five minutes in, and that’s out the window.’

‘You’ve been holding on to a lot of emotions for a very long time, and now they’re coming out. I’m sure there’s part of you that is going ‘What does R think?’

‘Can you help me with that part?’

‘Of course. I don’t want to say that I am glad you are crying, but we’ve been in a therapeutic relationship for over three years now, and it wasn’t until last November, I think, that you cried. I know you see it as weakness, but I think you are really brave.’

‘There’s no logic to it.’

‘Does there have to be logic to it? What is your logical question?’

‘I do have an answer to that…’

‘It’s a big question. I can leave it with you.’

‘I have an answer to it, but I am concerned that if I try to say it, I will cry.’

I said I wasn’t sure whether it was worse to be witnessed in a state, or alone in a state.

‘Usually, I try to make sure I am on my own so as not to inconvenience anybody else.’

‘Not to inconvenience anybody else? So if you were out for coffee with a friend and getting vulnerable and emotional…?’

‘That wouldn’t happen.’
‘I love that you interrupted then. We’ve been in a therapeutic relationship for a long time…three and a half years – was it December? Even though you are paying me, I still sometimes get the sense that you feel like you are inconveniencing me.’

She went on to say that she loves her lob, and it is what she has chosen to do.

‘I am going to spit this question out…’

I didn’t get further than ‘Why now?’ before I began to cry.

‘When you say ‘Why now?’ I also hear ‘Why me?’

I couldn’t do anything but nod.

‘It’s OK, Lost. I’m here, but you can forget that I’m here if you need to.’

‘So is the Critic.’

‘Kick the Critic to outer space. Far away from you…Tell the Critic to piss off. I’ll say it for you.’

‘Why now? I’ll scrap the second part of the question, and restate it as a fact. ‘Right now I feel the least resourced I have ever been, and that terrifies me.’

R cut in then, and remarked that ‘Professional Lost gets all the love. Emotional Lost just gets guilt, embarrassment and shame…but when you are dealing with these big feelings…that is when you are doing the work. Before the pandemic, you had a really emotional session due to the writing retreat. We can’t know whether you were heading down this road anyway.’

We talked about how I have this emotional side that I want to control, but R doesn’t want to use that word. She believes that it is more beneficial to understand oneself.

‘Do you feel safe to leave it there?’

‘It’s probably safer.’

‘It’s been a heavy session for you. Be kind to yourself, listen to your body. If you need to lie down, then lie down. Use self-care. You’ve done enough work for today.’

We did a closing breathing exercise based on inhaling hope and strength, and exhaling fear, shame and embarrassment.

R asked me about my plans for the rest of the day, remembering that I would usually clear the rest of the day on Thursdays. I explained that we had already been for a walk, and mentioned the Poetry Therapy workshop I am doing tomorrow. She said that she’d been doing some online training too, and found it useful in the context that it would usually be in person, but you might not be able to access it that way.

‘I hope it’s wonderful for you. Are you OK for the same time next week?’

‘Yes, thank you.’

Evening session yesterday after I skipped my normal tuesday one.

He said I kept surprising him.

I cried a lot more than normal.

How come I didn't come yesterday?

He asked what did I need from him this session?

I said "a pat on the head and a everything will be okay."

Exam failure linked with my image. Where did I go when I cried?

3 mins winding down before he let me leave.

He said everything would be okay.

It went ok today. I didn’t tell her just how pissed I was at her because of last time. Or that my SI was related to her and the session. She was very worried though when I told her about the incident and acted like she was gonna put me IP a week later. Can she really do that a week later? I get the incident was more severe then other times though. I told her about the super weird thing I’ve been doing. It took me 20 minutes to tell her but I finally told her. She didn’t seem to care that I’ve been doing it but she said it was progress that I told her about it. I mentioned my behavior on PC and how it’s so unusual from how I act in real life and I said “it’s like that saying “business in the front, party in the back.” I told her that a lot of my past issues are coming out of the woodwork after going on the hormones. I didn’t tell her I got rid of her email because I was super pissed at her. I just said I lost it and it was a long story. She didn’t say anything. Although I might tell her I was super mad at her. Since I think she’s wondering. We did figure out a way to wrap the sessions up. She’s going to give me a heads up when we have 20-15-10 minutes left and We are just going to talk about TV shows and stuff for the last 5 minutes.

Interesting tidbits from my last two sessions...

I told him the dark story behind what inspired the book Moby ... with the killer whale. We had an interesting conversation about how we never really know what we'd do in a survival situation unless we're in one. He was surely not expecting to learn about that!

Then at the end of our virtual session I showed him my real painted alligator head I got when I was a kid. His response: "I'm not sure what to say to that." I think he thought it was cool? It was just fun showing him something so random that he had no idea what to say.

My next appointment for my Pdoc is in July. I got a choice between tele and in office. I chose in office. I wonder if my T is going to do the same thing.

I think I should ask her what she prefers and what she feels safest with too. I’d like to do in office.

I was honest with my T when she asked if I had any SI this past week. I told her about Friday. I said I didn’t want to bother her so I didn’t email her. She said I should have emailed her but at the same time she would have just told me to go to the hospital. She asked what I did instead and I told her I took a Xanax and it helped. She said “ok.....”

Today’s session ended up being a lesson in surrender. R started the call and remarked that this was the first week she hadn’t had an email from me since we began working remotely.
‘It’s interesting that you mentioned it first…that was something I had planned to talk about. That was solely because I could not find the words.’

‘Not because the need wasn’t there, but almost the opposite.’ I then began to cry. R reassured me and urged me to let it out, as I tried to keep myself from losing composure completely.

I began to speak in between waves of crying – ‘Oh for ****’s sake. This is not the point…I had a plan….This is what I was afraid of.’

‘This is what you were afraid of?’

‘Breaking down in session again…I had a plan.’

R remarked that I had a plan for the previous two sessions as well…’but it is OK to turn up to session and not know how it is going to go. It’s OK to say ‘This is my time with R, and I can use it for this…’ or just see where it goes.’

I explained that I had made notes, but I had also written in my journal yesterday, and that was what I wanted to read. I only got through the first paragraph before I felt myself begin to well up.

‘There’s a line here that I don’t feel able to read out loud. It may make its way into an email at some point.’ As I struggled, R noted that she was keenly aware of the lack of opportunity for me to hand her the piece of paper. If I wanted to read something and anticipated that it would be difficult, she confirmed that I could send it beforehand.

R confirmed that it was OK for me to email, and then apologised because she needed to let the cat decide what she wanted to do – in or out. During the pause, I was able to find Gallery View and hide my self view.
I explained this to R afterwards, and she thanked me for bringing up something she had not thought about. ‘Is that something you have done before?’

‘I have only just worked out how to do it.’

I explained the process, and then recognised that I was trying to avoid feelings, so returned to what I had been reading.
‘I can be vulnerable, but there is a cost, and I have to live with myself afterwards. This next part feels even more true –“I don’t know what it was that allowed me to release all that emotion, but in the days that followed, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and incredibly lonely.’ I gave way again at that point.
‘Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is surrender to it. I know it feels like weakness, I know it causes you physical pain, but this does not define you.’
‘I have never felt defeated before.’
‘Defeated? Does that imply that you have been fighting something, or that you don’t feel able to fight it?’
‘It’s daft for me to try and gather myself between waves.’
‘Your emotions are flowing and you are trying to stop them. If you need to cry for half an hour, go with it.’
‘I have never had three vulnerable sessions in a row.’ R shook her head.

‘Can you ask a question or something?’

R then shared that ‘Although this is the longest we haven’t seen one another physically since the start of our therapeutic relationship, I have never felt more connected to you, or experienced you in such a real way.’

I responded that ‘I don’t even know what to do with that…It’s on my other piece of paper , but the gist of it is…even though we now live in a world where people wear masks for their safety, the spaces where I can take mine off metaphorically are becoming fewer and further between.’ I began to cry again as R tried to move me closer.
‘It’s like you are crying a lifetime of unspent (?) tears. Everybody’s world has become very small at the moment.’

She offered that we could do some breathing exercises as we came to the end of the session. We focused on inhaling Confidence (which was green for me) and exhaling Fear (brown).

Rather than breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, R invited me to try both through the nose.

‘If you can get used to it, it can be very relaxing.’ We also worked on my shoulders.

‘Sometimes,’ R said ‘My yoga teacher says we have to teach our shoulders where they should sit.’

R had mentioned earlier in the session that she had thought about checking in with me when she didn’t hear from me, so I asked her whether she could do that before we next speak.

‘Of course – well done for asking.’

He sent me two messages one yesterday and one this morning asking if I wanted to come in and that he had an earlier slot if I wanted it.

I didn't reply until maybe an hour before.

I cried a lot.

He asked why I was angry at him. Told him that he had seen my message but didn't reply. He said he'd be in touch but wasn't.

Every session was me telling him what he was doing wrong.

Said something like I had a pattern. Asking for extra sessions not wanting it. (was doing double in jan and feb) then just one.

It would be better to discuss in session. I said why didn't he just say that instead of ignoring me. That I didn't like uncertainty.

I told him actions spoke louder than words and I couldn't feel his care.

That he was saying sorry but he didn't mean it. That I wasn't sorry that I replied late to his message.

Why the ambivalence? Skipping session.

He called me dramatic when I said:



I told him that I had really been struggling. Used the Warcraft quote where Lorian say's "i'm in so much pain"

After that bit he was softer- I felt like he was more defensive at the start.

Said that he cared about me. That he was sorry if he had been distracted (protesting in London which I already knew he'd be doing) and wasn't saying that my life didn't matter less than anyone else's . That I was important to him.

That if I did want a second session 9.30am on thursday was open.

I am the worst. The things I fear about myself and secretly hope aren't true, are true. Today my therapist said 'it can be frustrating when things are slow, when there's no progress.'

So he thinks I have made no progress. I think he's frustrated at my 'slow progress'. I'm more frustrated that it feels like I'm constantly expected to make progress, be someone, do something...why is what I am already not enough? Why are all the things I have been through and overcome not enough? Why am I not already a unique flower? Maybe I'm a flower he doesn't recognise. I don't see him for 2 weeks now so there's **** all I can do about it.

“I am the worst. The things I fear about myself and secretly hope aren't true, are true. Today my therapist said 'it can be frustrating when things are slow, when there's no progress.'

So he thinks I have made no progress. I think he's frustrated at my 'slow progress'. I'm more frustrated that it feels like I'm constantly expected to make progress, be someone, do something...why is what I am already not enough? Why are all the things I have been through and overcome not enough? Why am I not already a unique flower? Maybe I'm a flower he doesn't recognise. I don't see him for 2 weeks now so there's **** all I can do about it.”

In my opinion, what you are experiencing is often overlooked as a type of healing. This is just the natural ebb and flow of being human and living life. Things have a way of coming together and then falling apart over and over again throughout life. The cycle of “come together...fall apart...come together...fall apart” keeps repeating itself. Therein lies the healing and the beauty...when we can make room (or create the space) for all of our emotions...when we can sit with all of our emotions and just be ourselves.

Therapists have a fantastic opportunity to join in with every one of us as we create that space for healing.