In Session Today: Part VI

Intense and illuminating session today. R said she almost wanted to say sorry, because I have talked about years in which events took place, but she did not connect the dots and realise that I was in secondary school when most of the stuff was happening. It all happened at a point when I was still learning to tolerate my emotions, so it makes sense that I am now scared of/overwhelmed by them.

A snippet (snipped and paraphrased as usual)...

T- You can't see the back of your own head.
Me- I totally could if I wanted to.
T- Really you can't.
Me- Pssh. There you go again: I'm getting old. There'll be more hard stuff. Now I can't see the back of my own head. Ugh.
T- I'm the bearer of bad news today.

I didn’t have a rough session but I think she was contemplating putting me IP. I skirted around some SI and then I just blurted out some stuff. I told her I wasn’t going to right away though. Just if the situation worsened. So I guess she just assessed the situation and said I was fine. I asked her if she was concerned about me and she said she was a little bit because she said I told her not to worry about me. She said she doesn’t know how to help me if I don’t tell her stuff though. I had my mom call her later just to tell her I was honestly ok. I didn’t want an ambulance showing up at my house or something. My mom said my T was totally cool and and laughed and said she wasn’t calling an ambulance and just wants me to be honest with her. I mean did she not really care in the first place or is she just keeping confidentially? Because she seemed super worried when I was in her office but she just kinda brushed it off to my mom. It’s kind of confusing me right now.

More than likely the latter, MD. I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time at the moment.

I really don’t want to do a partial program but I think I might have to. I’m not sure how much I can keep doing myself. My therapist never seems to have the time to help me. Every time I call her or meet with her she says “sorry I couldn’t call you back this weekend. I was dealing with a crisis” or I can’t meet with you again this week. I have 2 crisis” That just makes me feel even worse because I’m thinking what exactly am I? I feel like my feelings aren’t exactly being validated. I wish she would just say she couldn’t meet with me instead of saying she’s meeting with someone else. That really does make it seem like the other person is more important then me.

Ugh that’s really difficult, MD. I think of one time when ex-MC answered a clients phone call when we were in session with him. It was like, “Oh this client is more important than you, even though you’re currently sitting in front of me paying for my time.” I’m also a bit bothered when current T asks to switch the timing of a session, because my assumption is that it’s for another client. I do generally have a very frolicked schedule (work on contract basis from home), but it made me feel kind of taken for granted. Like “of course LT can switch times!” I’d tell your T what you’re feeling.

Today’s session was a struggle. R could tell I was having a difficult time from the off. She asked me how I was doing, and I started to speak:

‘I…’ and promptly broke down.

‘Hands?’ I took her hands, and she moved to sit on the floor in front of me.

‘You don’t even know why this is happening!’

‘I don’t need to know. It doesn’t matter if you tell me or not. I can just be here.’

‘What am I doing?’

‘You are releasing emotions. Just try to go with it and let it out.’

I made more noises about how I hadn’t planned to do this.

‘You can’t plan emotions, Lost. That’s quite poetic for me, and I’m not a writer.’
When I paused for breath, I talked about the end of last session being a landmine. ‘I didn’t realise self-compassion could hurt.’
‘Is that what happened? You looked at yourself as a teenager and felt all that? It seems as though you are letting stuff out today that you have held on to for a very very long time.’
R shared that she had always, up until the end of last session, pictured Now Me going through the things I describe ‘and when you painted that picture of you in secondary school…’
‘This feels really important, and now I am about to go off and do this. It’s hard because you and I are the only people who know what happened at the end of last session.’
‘It is hard, and really intense.’

‘Are you scared, Lost?’

I couldn’t speak, but burst into tears.

‘What am I doing?’

‘You’re being really brave, letting your emotions out.’
‘This isn’t brave.’
‘I disagree, respectfully. I don’t usually give my opinion, but this is a bit of a different session today.’
After crying for some time, I explained that it took me five years to write about my experience with Chris. ‘I never intended to write about it,’ says the person who wrote a blog for 15,000 people.

‘It’s a different kind of writing.’
I explained about the piece I eventually wrote, and the reception I received from the Turkish journal. ‘Some of our editors felt it ran a bit long but as human beings we loved it.’
‘I can hear your pride in that.’
‘It’s the best rejection I have ever had.’
‘This…whatever this is…’ I took R’s hand again. ‘This abuse is still fresh.’

‘If I can stay calm for the next five minutes, there is something I want you to read.’

‘You don’t have to stay calm.’

I explained that the piece was written during an anxiety attack. R noted that I had captured the overwhelm very well.

‘What I want to say to you is – this is a really big…I don’t want to say test, but challenge, you have set yourself. And it is OK if it turns out to be too much.’

We discussed previous scenarios in which I have been triggered and ended up in flight mode. R offered some thoughts on how I might approach having a chat with the facilitator.

I'm sorry ex-MC did that, that's awful.
I know this wasn't really the point of your comment and it's kinda veering off topic, but I'm throwing it out there anyway.
My T has a really long work day because he works in an IOP in the morning and private practice in the evenings. Sometimes when I'm his last client of the day and he gets a cancellation last minute he asks me if I can take the earlier time slot. I guess it's a bit different because I know he's doing it so he can get home earlier, not to accommodate someone else, but I kind of like when it happens because I know he's grateful when I can, and I like him having positive feelings towards me.
I would definitely resent it if I felt like he was taking it for granted though. He has in the past said "I have a cancellation at X time if you'd prefer to come in then" and I respond with "I can do X time if you'd prefer" so that he has to actually acknowledge that he is requesting a favor.

First, just realized apparently my phone autocorrected to "frolicking schedule" rather than "flexible schedule." Which is rather amusing.


I understand what you mean about wanting your T to have positive feelings about you for taking an earlier slot. If Dr. T asks me if I can change a session time, he generally does say he could still do the original time if needed (and I did that the one time). And he always thanks me for changing. I did say one time that I'd assumed it was for another client, and he said it actually wasn't, was something he had to do earlier that day. So I've tried not to assume...though there was one time where he specifically said there's a client who has a difficult schedule that urgently needed to come in. Then I felt much more pressure to change the time...(I did).

Oh, that made me think of another awkward moment with ex-MC, but in the other direction. We' had a recurring appointment on his schedule. It must have been set up to last a year. When we went to schedule at one point, he said he didn't have it available, that he thought we must have said we couldn't come in that day. We said we hadn't, and he realized what happened. So *while were sitting there*, he called the client he'd scheduled, said he'd made a mistake, and asked them to change, which they did. I'd have much preferred if he'd done that when we weren't sitting right there...

Had a phone session today because of coronavirus. It was our first session in two weeks because my insurance company has been being a bureaucratic cluster****.

self harm tw
There was like a sad sigh on the other end and I asked "so, I'm guessing you didn't appreciate my attempt to add levity to the situation?" and he sounded like a kicked puppy when he said no, he didn't.

My therapist noticed a major difference in me since last week. I told her it was because I had gotten my period. I’m not sure if she understood that part or not. But she told me that I just have to be careful because I’m going to be getting my period again and these feelings will happen again. We talked about the virus and how the office might temporarily shut down. She seemed the most concerned about restaurants getting shut down and I get it. We talked about my doctors appointment tomorrow and how I’m feeling about that. It went good today.

She said she was worried about me last week so I mentioned the melatonin incident a couple days after I saw her and we discussed it and talked about steps to take so it won’t happen again. I mentioned wanting to take a couple melatonin yesterday afternoon just to sleep through things but then literally got my period an hour later. She like “yeah ok, but....”

Today was an interesting session. My T and I have been doing this thing where I ask him questions (not like about his personal life, more like questions related to me) and he answers honestly—it was his idea. I showed him a list of my questions, and one of them was “do you think I’m attractive?” and another was “do you think I’m sexually attractive?” And he answered yes (in more words than that) to both
I honestly thought he would either not answer those questions or say no.

Thoughts and comments would be appreciated. I also started a thread in the romantic subforum if anyone wants to reply there instead..

I saw Regular T on Saturday. We met in person, though she offered to do phone sessions going forward because of Coronavirus. I said I would let her know about the next session but to plan on in person for now and then we will see how the virus is doing in two weeks. It was lovely to see her. She talked about how she had talked to my case manager/care coordinator. I asked how that was and she said it went really well and proceeded to tell me what she had told the case manager/care coordinator. She told her that I have a lot of support, that I am getting better, and that I scared the bejeebes out of myself when I was hospitalized. She said that she and the case manager/care coordinator were on the same page regarding my care.


We talked about the paranoia and delusions that were coming up for me. I've been having much more paranoia and delusions lately than I normally have. Regular T said she thought it was because I am working in a much more emotionally safe workplace now with lots of feedback which is helping me feel safe enough to deal with some of these other things that are coming up in my life. Unfortunately they are coming out as paranoia and delusions because I still don't feel safe enough to have these feelings towards my parents--probably doesn't help that I live with them! But I thought it was good that she thought my workplace was more emotionally healthy. I think it is too. I just hadn't stopped to think about it.


We talked about my self destructive tendencies a little. We talked a lot about a delusion I have about bad seeping in through my skin. She suggested some lady that does some sort of magnet work. She is going to text me the lady's info. I'm not entirely sure what she does, but my T said that she did some work with her a while back, in September, and she felt so much more clear and uplifted afterwards. She said she's not woo woo though it may sound like she is. But that she is actually helpful. She said that might help with the feeling that the bad collects in me.


We had a good session overall. We talked about the Coronavirus and how it is limiting daily activities and how to survive this time without going crazy. She also said that she thinks I am a very sane person.


It was lovely to see her. We scheduled for two weeks.

Comments okay.


HUGS Kit.

I just had my first video session. It was super awkward. I didn’t actually know where to look. I didn’t want to just stare at her. Plus I am really nauseated so I’m not feeling the best In General. It was just weird. We got cut off once so she had to resend me the link and then we got cut off again right before the session ended and at least she called to say good bye instead of just leaving me hanging. I’d almost rather go without therapy instead of doing it this way.

I was having trouble figuring out where to look as well. I feel I was staring at him more than usual. We didn't get cut off, but there were a couple times when I got a "your internet connection has become unstable" where it got kinda broken up/choppy for a minute or two. But didn't need to sign back in. Was a bit weird when it got choppy at the end, and I had to confirm that what he'd just said to me was in fact "Good luck," as it sounded like "Grlahoulauk." But the second one was so much better than the first, so I suggest trying again. It's good your T called you back at the end, too.

May write up more of my session on here later, just wanted to say I have the same "where do I look?" issue.

My first virtual session with R went well. She asked how I am doing, and I dodged it.

‘What did you get from my latest email?’
‘I got that you were not coping well.’

We talked about the specifics, and then I segued into talking about the retreat.

‘It’s almost Sod’s Law that the biggest writing thing I have ever done coincides with a global pandemic!’ I told R about all the things I learned from the retreat, and Cathy’s kindness. I explained that I feel like there are more important things going on in the world.

‘Whatever is going on in the world, Lost, you are still you.’
‘On the Sunday evening, when I went down for the introduction to the retreat, we all shared a little about the things we are writing. I took a couple of false starts and then explained that I am writing about my experience of online friendship and catfishing. Before I came away that night, Cathy came to say goodbye, looked me in the eye and said ‘Well done for saying it out loud.’

‘What I am hearing is that you found a way of explaining that is comfortable for you. That sounds like validation to me – did you feel heard?’
‘Yes, I did. After our most recent conversation, which I am not sure you could call a conversation because I was crying for most of it…I actually looked at my options for cancellation.’
‘I feel like I kind of put that on the table. I must admit it was difficult to see you so distressed, so I just tried to hold you, physically and emotionally.’
‘Since then, I broke three times.’

‘Broke?’

‘Cried.’

I explained that Cathy had set up a room for me, even though I didn’t end up staying, and that proved very useful.
‘On the Tuesday morning, we did an exercise called Ugly Noises. Start by humming, and then make a noise you wouldn’t normally make. It helps loosen up the writing.’
I explained that I wrote about the Easter Sunday service at the Methodist church. ‘I didn’t get into anything meaty, but after lunch, I felt like I needed to scream.’ R asked about the specifics of the need to scream, but I couldn’t elaborate.
‘I ended up going into the room, closing the door, and starting to hum. Then I began to cry.’
‘I just wanted to reflect back to you that you’ve spoken about crying, and you kind of brushed over it, I don’t know whether it’s because we’re on Skype, but I see a kind of confidence in you since the retreat.’
R said she wondered how kind I am being to myself with everything that’s going on. When we began, I noticed she was wearing a ‘Be kind’ t-shirt.
‘I thought it was apt.’
Her cat was present for part of the conversation, but wandered off when she realised that she was not the centre of attention.
R mentioned that although she isn’t qualified for online therapy – ‘it is a thing’ -

‘In the case of an established relationship, such as between you and I, the need outweighs anything else.’
‘Yes, it’s important….’ I couldn’t finish my sentence.

‘Perhaps my boundaries are down in light of everything that is going on, but as your therapist and someone who cares about you, I want to say that I am really, really proud of you for going and creating that safety for yourself.’
We set up for next Thursday, when we will use Zoom instead.

The second video chat session went much better. She immediately brought up the email. She said it was totally ok to email her but because of HIPAA she couldn’t discuss things through email. She said if I wanted to I could send her a chain of emails or just one long one and we could discuss it at the next session. She said it was totally fine though.

I told her about my second injection. She asked if I was having any side effects. I said the only one I was having was a weird one. She said “what is it?” And I asked if anyone was home and she said no and I explained that my sex drive was really high. And she said it was to be expected. And she said “are you handling it ok?” Um, yeah???

Besides that we just discussed work and the virus and a few other things. Besides it being video chat it was basically a normal sessions

Today was our 3rd video session since it all kicked off. We started online a week ahead of most people because, it turns out, T has a heart condition I didn't know about.
Last couple of sessions have been frustrating for me. Chatty. And my kids being home from school hasn't helped. Today, I had our session from my empty office (I come into contact with nobody as I can park outside my office and there is nobody else in the building). I much preferred having the privacy, and fewer distractions, though T said he could hear the traffic noise quite loudly my end, which I couldn't, because I was wearing headphones.
We had had a couple of emails back and forth since last week. One where he seemed kind of annoyed with me (as I had said 'I think you were feeling x last session') and he had written (inc capitals) 'I was NOT feeling x'. And then he had done much better when I pointed out he seemed annoyed and we felt okay again. So I said we need to talk about that. I said how one of my biggest fears is being 'too much for him' and it leaves me feeling, he has his own stuff going on, I should disappear. He said he wants to break that into two parts: 1) he doesn't experience me as too much and 2) yes, he has a lot going on, adapting to this new reality, and it's possible those difficulties slip through into how he communicates sometimes. I said "so maybe that part of you finds that part of me too much?" T smiled and thought for a while and said "in that moment, perhaps that interaction was too much for a part of me, but I am not a static entity, and neither are you, and you are not too much for me".

We talked about my usual routine coming to visit him. I talked about the lovely cafe, near him that I visit. I said, I suppose it is closed? He said yes. I said I miss it. Then I paused and said, "what I am filtering is that I miss you more". T said "I'm flattered you miss me more than a cup of coffee!" I said "[cafe name] is more than a cup of coffee!" And we laughed. And then we talked about the ritual of visiting and the drive and everything.

I drive about 1h 20m to see him, and I had to get used to roundabouts to do that, because there are about 3 billion of them between my house and his. T said that his first T (when he was in his 20s) lived about 10 mins from where I live now, so he did the exact same journey as me but in the other direction. And he had learned to drive in an area without roundabouts, so he had had to get used to them on that journey too. There was also a cafe there that he used to frequent, just like me. Somehow we got onto talking about other similarities between us, and how I enjoy the parallels. We often talk in metaphors about our relationship, as though we are on a journey together, roped together. T said it is as though the rope is made up of threads, and our similarities represent some of those threads. I liked that. I said that means the rope can't be broken. T asked me how I felt about that. I said it make me feel less nervous about our bond breaking through this. T said good. I said I didn't often use the word bond, but I liked it. T said it is a good word, because it means connection, but like "my word is my bond" it also means commitment. I said to T that I noticed he had used the word commitment to describe his feelings towards our work a few times, including in the email he sent me to let me know he had to self-isolate. I said "I feel like it's not that you care because you are committed, I feel like you are committed because you care". T said that's right.

We had a few moments of silence, just looking at each other. It was different, because I find eye contact so comforting, and that is absent, but it gave me pause to notice the careful attention he gave to me and think about the ways we had already nurtured the connection, through giving time to the threads of our rope. It was nice to show him my office space too and I took the laptop round the room to give him a little guided tour. He said that his background would get tidier and tidier as the weeks went on, but this is our third week and his office is as messy as ever

I love him, and I am glad we are making this work in some small way. It's not the same, but today, for the first time, it felt okay.

I floundered my way through a really tough virtual session with R. She could see that I was struggling. We greeted one another, and she asked how I am.

‘In times like these, that is a really difficult question…’ I promptly burst into tears. ‘I didn’t want this to happen.’
‘It’s OK, Lost. I know it isn’t the same, but I can still hold you emotionally.’
I composed myself, and then said ‘Shall we start with the artwork?’

‘Yes, let’s.’ I then attempted to fumble through a description of the piece.
‘Have you got it with you?’
‘I can grab it – let me just do that.’

I returned and said ‘Thank goodness one of us is on it!’ I proceeded to talk her through the picture.
‘I still wanted to try and talk about this, because you asked me a question at the end of that session, although I wouldn’t call it a conversation.’
‘What did I ask you, Lost?’

‘Are you scared. I wanted to speak, but the emotions got there first. You can’t put punctuation marks in file names, so the piece is actually called ‘Scared’ question mark.’

I explained that I was surprised by the existence of the orange figures ‘because I didn’t think there was anger there.’
‘The orange figures are anger?’
‘Yes, and the dark figures are there, because they are always there. The central figure is me, as always.’ I continued. ‘I haven’t been keeping track, but I have cried five times in the last three weeks, and I didn’t want to make it six, but I suppose I already have.’

‘How do you feel right now?’
‘Reaching for a piece of paper.’ I wrote the words ****ING FANTASTIC TIMING. R read it and nodded.
‘Mum’s noticed now, and my support worker yesterday. She came to help me with a bath. I asked the same question I always ask…I reached for my piece of paper. AS IF PEOPLE FOLLOWING THE RULES WILL MEAN THIS IS OVER FASTER.’

‘I am not proud of myself, but she said something about ‘And it’s Easter next weekend.’ I replied ‘That’s part of the ****ing problem.’

‘That strikes me as really authentic.’ I explained that not everybody who supports me knows about what I am dealing with.
‘I have only told those who are closer to me in age, because of the explanation.’

R said she could see me quivering, and urged me not to fight the emotions. ‘This is a really difficult time of year for you anyway, without the pandemic. We’ve talked before about a tap. I would offer you to do whatever it takes to relieve some of that pressure.’
‘Reaching out to people is hard because of the situation. I’m struggling to stay afloat.’
‘You’ve been treading water for a long time. It sounds to me like you’re tired, and you don’t want to try to fight this.’
‘You said it.’ I paused because I didn’t know what to say next.
‘This year was the first year I had a plan. I am so tired of getting through things by the skin of my teeth.’
‘That gives me a really clear picture. You had a plan, and now you have nothing. That’s a huge loss.’
We talked about some of the common ground we have in terms of our feelings around the pandemic, both of us feeling lost to varying degrees.
‘Most of my coping mechanisms are gone.’

‘Can you tell me more about that?’

‘I didn’t realise how important getting out is to getting out of my head. Other than the bathroom scene, I don’t really have a mind’s eye, so I can’t conjure up those places where I feel safe.’
R said we had a couple of minutes left, and she wanted to offer me some positive affirmations.
‘As a gift from me to you. You can say them, or write them down…or I can put them in an email.’

‘OK, reaching for paper.’
‘I am resilient.’ I wrote that one down.
‘I am a survivor.’
‘I am a survivor. ‘
‘I am brave.’ I also wrote that one down.
We talked about coping mechanisms that are available to me at the moment, and I mentioned that writing in my journal is hard, because it makes the feelings real. But writing it down is easier, because I don’t have to look after anybody else.
‘And paper doesn’t have feelings!’

‘I saw you smirk then.’

‘A glimpse of old Lost.’

R said she wasn’t sure it would be the same, but did I want to do some breathing exercises. I accepted, and she asked how my shoulders were.

‘In a word, concrete.’

We did exercises designed to bring them down from around my ears, and introduce the compassion and support I feel I am missing.
‘Do you want to schedule for the same time next week?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘If you need me sooner, or want to bring the session forward, please reach out. I’m here.’

A summary of the convo we've had many times before and had yet again on Monday:

me: but if I don't tell myself that I'm exaggerating and being melodramatic that would mean believing that those things I experienced were actually really bad. Like really bad.
my T: yes
me: 😐

Then Thursday I tried to explain more of what I mean when I say I really don't know how to gauge or conceptualize how bad it was, and why the answer to that matters to me. I asked him questions I already knew the answers to but needed to hear again, did he think it was really bad enough to be "trauma" and does he think it was really bad enough for me to have "PTSD."

I just had an awkward uncomfortable session. She started off saying how much she likes my emails and how she wants me to keep on emailing her as if I was journaling. Then we got into how high my sex drive has been. She said to me. “This is a really awkward question but do you feel comfortable masturbating?” I’m like “um, yeah?” She said “oh ok.” Then I finally had the guts to say I ordered some stuff to the house and it was coming today. She said it was perfectly normal and if I’m into that stuff cool. Just to keep up with hygiene. I said I didn’t want my mom to find out. She said that stuff usually comes in a discreet package. She says she has plenty of clients who are into porn.

Ok. I didn’t even tell her what I ordered or what I’m “in to” but I had a feeling she knew?? Oh man I couldn’t look at her for much of the session. She kept smiling for some reason.

At the end of the session she said, to keep emailing her.

I had a pretty good phone session with Regular T on Saturday. We discussed COVID 19 quite a bit. But we also talked about how I was doing. The big thing was that she felt like I had turned a corner in my recovery. She said it was almost like someone decided it was enough and to carry me past the pain and put me on solid ground so I could start again. That was big. HUGS Kit

Today’s session ended up being pretty intense. I discovered that using Zoom on the computer seems to eradicate the delay on my end.
R started the call and asked me how I am doing.
‘I almost started this conversation with ‘Greetings from Fragile Lost with the concrete shoulders. I have cried six times in the past four days.’
‘OK.’
‘When I said in the email that I had been working with ‘I am brave’ until it felt true…I found myself crying every single time.’
‘Was that saying it out loud, or thinking it?’
‘Saying it out loud.’
‘So that was a trigger. Anything I offer is for you to take or leave.’
‘It is doing some big work. I think I scared myself.’
‘You think you scared yourself? You’re just not ready?’

I explained that I felt a huge amount of resistance, but stopped there. ‘I was prepared that Wednesday would be hard. There are two walks I have available to me at the moment – one practical, and one pretty. I felt like I needed pretty to get me through.’

R smiled.

I have been very boundaried about the news. I have told friends, family and carers that all I want to know is when this is over. Meanwhile, one of my favourite folk musicians has been very ill with the virus. I watched a replay of a gig by another musician – this is relevant – who explained that the longer this goes on, the less good it looks, so that was triggering. Then I woke up on Wednesday, already a difficult day, to news that John Prine had died. I went for a walk with my support worker – the pretty walk is a tree lined clearing. She’s in the picture, so she dragged it out of me.’
‘That sounds like it was what you needed?’
‘As near as possible. We were walking back, and I just broke down. The situation being what it is, all she could do was stroke my arm like a frigging cat.’
I paused and then said ‘I feel so unsafe. We have worked so hard to get me to take some armour off, and now I need to put it back on to get through the day.’
‘In this moment, Lost, you are safe.’ I gave way then, and began to cry.

‘Let it out, Lost, if you need to.’

‘Pointless.’

We talked about the fact that the pandemic has probably accelerated this part of my journey, so that I am now in a really uncomfortable place without a lot of the things that help.
‘I am finding it really hard to do the things that help.’

‘What are they?’

‘Journalling, yoga, they’re all direct access to emotions.’
‘Whatever you need to do at the moment that helps you get through the day is OK.’
‘There’s a lot I want to say at the moment that I can’t say without crossing that line.’
I changed tack and showed her the blanket that I had draped over my knees.
‘I’m not sure whether that’s because you are cold, or whether you are using it to help. Whatever works.’
‘How selfish do you have to be…I feel so selfish.’
‘I am not going to challenge your feeling, but why do you feel selfish?’

I explained that I feel like the pandemic has magnified everything.
‘Usually my to-do list at this time is ‘Survive April.’

‘It is ****ing unbelievable that this is happening now. I’ll say it for you. This time of year is hard enough. If there wasn’t a pandemic, and this was an ordinary session, would you still feel the same?’
Out of nowhere, I found myself laughing. R asked why.
‘I can’t stop thinking about The Grinch. I would not usually say that I am a people person, but this time of year, I need people.’
‘The element of choice has been taken away. If you sat here and said ‘This thing happens every year, but the pandemic is the only thing I am worried about, I would be…’ She furrowed her brow. ‘The two things can co-exist.’
‘People talk about filling your cup at this time. I don’t know where to get another, because mine is already full.’
‘OK Concrete Shoulders – that is your new nickname – do you want to do some breathing exercises?’
R then led me through some deep breathing designed to loosen my shoulders, combined with a light massage. Our second breathing exercise focused on creating space.
‘I am not going to say ‘Have a good Easter,’ because I don’t want to trigger you, but I will say ‘Be kind to yourself.’ If you need to email, please do. I hope you get through the days OK.’

I just had my session. I couldn’t talk to her about what I wanted to. I was way too uncomfortable. I kept skirting around it. She knew it was something about sex. I’m pretty sure she knows what I’m talking about though. I finally told her I’d tell her in email. I didn’t have a very successful session because of how uncomfortable I was. I have yet to email her but I will. Maybe I’ll write out the email in my note section on my phone first.

I asked him for an earlier session yesterday. He didn't have any, and said If I didn't want his earliest wenesday one a session on thursday it might not be possible as he was busier.

He read the thing I had put in my whatapp bio. " being a human is literally the hardest thing to be."

I said it was from a song and played two mins for him.

I asked if he saw my display picture and said my sister had drawn it. Then sent him a few images of her work.

I told him I was angry at him for giving my old tuesday session to another client. I was going to quit and that he should look after the ones he has before finding new ones and that if I was a T i'd have an extra slot just for emergencies.

He said it wasn't for another client, but that I didn't believe him. That I needed him yesterday and would have seen him anyway if he hadn't changed my slot.

I said first world problems. He said it was important to me.

He said that was a good idea.

I told him I didn't care if I lived or died from CV and told him that I was ill.

I said I didn't feel safe.

He asked why?

I said I didn't trust him.

If you don't love me or trust me why don't we end now?

Do you like being adored? Why do I have trust you?

It was about pointing out faults in him. I said no- how could i look after other people if I was so messed up?

Then he said I would make a good T and that made more sense. That I was projecting onto him.

I said it wouldn't be fair on my clients if their shrink was going to kill themselves.

He didn't think that happened. Sent him a link.

Sorry can you repeat that? I zoned out.

"I know it's your time, but if you want to waste it by sending me pictures and zoning out"

I burst into tears.

I know i've been complacent with boundaries and maybe I encouraged that ( my sister's stuff + the link ) but you keep wanting to step over them.

I can't even see you for a start.

I turned my camera on.

I can put on a good show. Are you happy now?

Do you think I like seeing you like this?

That I was supposed to be in a zoom class at 11am that's why I originally said I couldn't do the 10.30 slot.

Why didn't I tell him before? How long were my classes going for? We could arrange another time.

I said because I needed to see him.

I just carried on crying.

You also think I'm a waste of space.

"Don't be silly."

I said that I had tried.

He said time was up.

He said bye I didn't reply and he logged off.

I don't feel like I was in a good place just to be left like that. I wanted him to pick up on the suicidal thoughts. I feel shamed.