In Session Today: Part VI

I haven’t seen him yet but I see my Pdoc tomorrow. But I switched my meds on my own. Doctors have gotten pretty annoyed at me when I’ve done this before. This is the first time I’ve done this with this doctor. My therapist knows and she says this time was different because I was just going back to my old dose. I’m still freaking out. Especially since my symptoms are worse. I just couldn’t deal with the side effects of the higher dose. Then there’s always the whole “will he refill my Xanax” anxiety. Ugh. I’m a mess right now. And I also have work tomorrow for the first time in 5 days.

I've dragged out starting EMDR for as long as I possibly could. The growing up with multiple schizophrenics, I have a very complex psychiatric history. Post-partum psychosis, DID with a psychotic part, bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis, OCD, PTSD with psychosis. I'm integrated now. We completed integration 5 years ago and the quality of my life improved incredibly. I still have residual trauma to resolve, hence the EMDR. I know what I went through to integrate. I can deal with the PTSD episodes with medication and soothing techniques. I really, really don't want to go digging around all those old traumas. My therapist, who I trust completely, says this is a good treatment for me. My psychiatrist, who has literally saved my life on more occasions than I can count and kept me from being permanently institutionalized, is neutral. Maybe I'm just trauma work weary. Nothing is going to resolve the kind of life experiences I have had. I just want some peace. At some point I have to give my therapist an answer. I just don't know what that answer should be

Thank you for sharing your session and his reply back Echoes. You've been very brave and you can read his care in his email.

It's okay Artie. I fluctuate between either ET or paternal transference and my first instinct is to cancel our next session, when R gets too close. Both bring up huge amounts of shame for me, but i'm not where I was when I first started and neither are you.I believe everything has a time and a place. When you're ready to go back you will.

Thanks Lemoncake

Before I even sat down he said “the therapist emailed me and I want you to know your not in trouble. But I want to figure out how to fix this.” He raised my lamictal a little bit. He also gave me a referral to a sleep specialist. He thinks my sleep is a big part of my problem. I’m glad he listens to me. He seems to be the complete opposite of the other doctor I had.

Today was tricky.

I wanted to talk more about this idea of 'the edge' from last week but when I started to talk about it, he moved the conversation in another direction. I noticed and I told him. He said 'happy to go back to talking about the edge' and then looked at me blankly. His voice said 'happy to talk about it' his demeanor said 'not happy'. I pondered on my sense it didn't feel safe or okay to talk about ET. I told him and told me my sense of him. I told him about how a part of me says "nope" to talking about something when i feel unsafe and described that process to him. He said he found it interesting and he'd never heard anyone describe that process quite like that before, but he was aware we were getting further away from talking about the edge.
I said 'well what do you think about it? Its your metaphor'. He said something meaningless. I said 'but what is it?'. He thought for a moment and I said, you know what don't answer. I feel like I'm trying to make you vulnerable defensively to make me invulnerable. I talked about that a bit, and how it didn't feel good. T said he had an answer but he didn't know if it was helpful. I said we don't know unless you try. He said to him the edge is letting the unconscious aspect of this process take over.
I said I felt attracted to the idea of their being an edge.
I asked T about how he had felt about the fact that what I had said had been in the context of talking about a hug, and whether he had connected it to what I had been saying about the hug before i mentioned ET. T said "that you felt wanted?" I said yes.
I KNEW he had thought that. I told him I knew it. I said I felt it in your hug last week. He said what did you feel? I said 'hesitancy'. He nodded.
It upset me and annoyed me, because I don't like that my hypervigilance is so often right. And because I don't like him thinking that about something I meant in a really wholesome way. I don't like that he would have gone on wondering that, if I hadn't realised he was feeling that way. I just looked at him a long time. He said he thinks the hugs are part of the edge, because they are a way we communicate non-verbally. I teared up and put a tissue over my eyes. He said "there's something raw and painful about this". I wanted to say "well duh" but I stayed silent. He asked me if I could tell him what was happening. I said IDK.
We sat in silence for a while. We started talking again, not sure how, it's a bit of a blur, but he said something that really stressed me out. I'm gonna put it in TW here for ET and CSA

Anyway, my vision was weird, which happens when I am stressed, and we didn't get much further. I half didn't want to hug him, but I am getting on an aeroplane tomorrow so it felt important for some reason.

He hugged me really tightly, I guess to show me that he doesn't feel weird about hugging me.

I emailed him after and told him about the shame and things I had felt, as well as not liking his assumption (I didn't tell him about how I felt about the phrasing, thought that would be better as an in person discussion). I titled the email "just some stuff" and when he replied he had changed the title to "your important stuff". He apologised for missing what I needed today, and said he will reflect on it this week, because it often means he is missing something in him. He said probably some discomfort in disclosing something. He said he wanted to reiterate that my needs are fine, and I am okay, and he signed off "with love" which is very rare.

Feeling a bit emotionally tired.

Echoes, i love these posts of yours. They are reminiscent of my sessions with my t, with whom there was the trust to let me (actually both of us) go where i needed to go, and to hold me as i needed to be held, both figuratively and literally.

I see my therapist tomorrow. she wanted me to write down a list of all the stuff that makes me anxious. The piece of paper is completely full. I’ll tell her about the cat as well. And my struggles at work. I may tell her that the only foods that has been appealing to me these past few days are Mountain Dew and Macaroni and cheese. I’m not sure if she’ll care or not. She specializes in autism so she may just chalk it up to a sensory thing or may be concerned. I also want to talk to her about my anxiety provoking vacation and my sleep issues.

We went over my treatment plan. Kept goals I didn't really want. I filled her in about my lab results and PCP. We talked about meds and how I need them. One of my goals is now stay compliant and attend therapy. There's 6 goals total. We touched on the fact my eating disorder has never gone away. There were a lot of questions today. Unfortunately she is moving clinics. I see my new T in a month and a half. I didn't really care for her but it sucks to start over.

I continued my exposure exercises with my T. The exposure was about social physical contact - so today was us sitting together with our arms touching, shoulder to shoulder. It felt more pleasant than I expected, despite my nervousness and anxiety symptoms. I really liked feeling how real my T was: warm, alive, breathing and next to me. It helped a little to breathe in time with her. But I felt self-conscious about it too. I find it hard to lean into pleasant sensations and emotions. It's really strange to feel positive emotion in therapy, but I know now that therapy encompasses experiencing all emotions, not just the negative ones. That said, I'm keen on continuing the exposures in the next few sessions.

Today’s session was intense in ways I was not expecting.
‘I got your e-mail. I’m not sure whether you want to start there?’
‘I didn’t have a sense that we went particularly deep in the last session, but two days later it was the day I should have been working. However, they were at the [Famous Local Theatre].’

‘Yes.’

‘So I was brushing my teeth, totally focused on that, not thinking about anything…and I was crying.’

‘That took you by surprise?’

‘Totally.’

R asked whether I was alone in the bathroom, whether that gave me a kind of safety, as compared to being in a public place, thinking ‘I have to get out of here.’

‘It gave me a sense of safety, but it felt like an incomplete experience.’

‘An incomplete experience?’

‘Yes, I cut myself off quite quickly.’

‘It sounds to me as though you spend so much of your time holding it together that when you are off-guard, your emotions make a break for it. “Quick, her guard is down, we need to get out!”’

I laughed, and then shifted position. ‘Seems I am sitting on a hair grip.’

‘You would think that would be painful! There’s been a lot of laughter in our sessions lately, and it’s come from you. It’s been really nice.’

R asked whether I could recall a previous experience of feeling safe to let go – ‘I remember the session where you got quite upset and I sat on the floor by you throughout.’
‘Six years ago, before any of this became what it is now…a minor issue that I’m making into something major, apparently…some friends invited us to an Easter service at a Methodist church. Stop me if I have told this one before. I was performing throughout.’
‘Holding it together.’

‘Church on Easter Sunday, last place I want to be. Unusually for the tone of an Easter service, the vicar was talking about how it is OK to grieve. I made a little noise and managed to regain composure. The terminology is important. He said it is right to grieve. I crumbled completely.’
‘What jumps out at me there is permission. It is OK to do that.’

I talked about my sense of holding something I can’t put down. ‘I am keen that I do not harm anybody else.’

‘That sounds to me like you’re saying you need to do this alone?’

‘I’ve tried that before. It doesn’t work.’

‘That’s part of the reason I am sitting here.’

‘Given time, grief becomes poetry. This situation will become an unnatural disaster that lays waste to my inner world. If we de-personalise it a bit, poor boundaries got me into this situation.’
‘I can only hear a small amount of self-blame, but we can’t remove the responsibility of the other people.’
‘I feel like my boundaries are so far up that nothing is getting in.’

R replied that when you keep out bad emotions, you also keep out the good. We had a brief chat about Brené Brown, which gave me the guts to go ahead and ask for what I needed after a fashion.

‘The Critic has been giving me hell over this, but five minutes ago I was going to ask you something.’
Instead, I had discussed the writing for wellbeing training at work, where a discussion around boundaries had been triggering.

‘It sounds as though that discussion threatened your sense of safety at work?’

I explained that I had already notified my boss that I didn’t want to be involved with the social prescribing aspect. I was surprised that R didn’t seem fazed by the terminology. ‘My boss doesn’t know why.’

‘We’ve talked about escape routes before…I wanted to ask whether you would be comfortable being a bit closer to me when I am in that space. We talked about rearranging the seating before the break, but then other things happened. I feel like I need you closer.’

R reassured me that was OK by her, and we talked about the specifics. She reeled off most of the reasons I had been reluctant to ask.

‘I am going to say now, Lost…that is absolutely OK with me.’

I said that I hadn’t heard from the disability assessment people but would let her know when I did. We scheduled for the next two weeks.

It felt like a long session. A big one. Lots of shifts and good conversation. For now, a snippet from the end:

Me: Oh, I have a story for you. When I saw (ex's therapist), we were talking and he mentioned the empty chair technique and asked if I'd ever done that with you, and I did this (horrified face) and said, "Oh, God, no!"

T starts laughing

Me: I told him you'd floated it out there once, but we didn't try it, and he said, "I can see why."

T, still laughing: I remember.

Me: I kind of went, (raised eyebrows) "Mmm. Hmmm..." and it never came up again.

T: Yeah, that didn't go over well.

Then we talked about the empty chair exercise in general because it's interesting, and had an unexpected little therapy moment over why I had such a visceral reaction, then it was time to go home.

"You're with me, but I still feel alone. "

Cross-posted in LT's Thread--please respond there if you want to say anything at length.

T yesterday (saw him Monday, too, but that session was pretty much entirely about my marriage, so not writing that up). There was something I wanted to bring up with him, but I was anxious about it, so I just chatted about how the past few days had gone, which had included having a nice lunch with a friend and watching the (previous week's) Project Runway with H (as part of trying to spend more time with him). Which led T to ask if I watched much reality TV, and I said mostly competition stuff, like Top Chef and Amazing Race, not like "Real Housewives" or Kardashians or stuff like that. T: "This is a safe place, you can admit things here." Me: "OK, occasionally, H and I watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette." T (joking): "There, don't you feel better now sharing that!" Me: "I guess..." T: "Are we just going to talk about TV and movies the whole time?" Me: "No, sorry about that." T: "Why are you apologizing? I was contributing just as much to it." Me: "True!"

I mentioned the comment I'd made at the end of last session about maybe talking about reducing sessions soon--I'd then emailed him to say "never mind." Me: "I think I partly made that comment to see what it felt like when I said it." T: "And it didn't feel right?" Me: "Felt OK in that moment, but then I got all weepy later." Talked a bit more about that, which led him to share the three 1-week vacations he's taking this summer. So those could be tests of sorts to see how I do. T: "You know, reducing your sessions--that's not the sole indicator of your making progress. Because you are making progress. But maybe twice a week is part of why?" Me: "Yeah, I wondered that, like maybe I'm doing better in part because of that." T said he had a client who's doing great but still seems him weekly because they think therapy helps them stay that way. T said how much mental health can affect the rest of your life, so he thinks therapy is important. Me: "Of course you might be a bit biased about that." T: "Just a tiny bit."

I said there was something I wanted to bring up but was nervous to do so. T: "It's your hour." Me: "OK, so...I guess, some of this is probably about ex-MC acting differently toward me after I talked about certain transference things with him. Like he'd say he was fine with me at the time, then be weird the next session. So...I think I'm really hypervigilant about that sort of thing." T: "OK." Me: "And I guess...in the time I've talked more to you about my transference the past few weeks...it's like the email replies you've given me since then have been really short. I mean, it might just be that you were really busy." T: "I may have been on my phone." Me: "Yeah, for the one you said that , and I totally understand. I think I just worry that it's you backing away, like" [I made the x sign with my fingers, as in "get away"]. T: "I'm certainly not doing that intentionally."

Me: "Or I guess I wondered if you were trying to get me to email less by doing that. Like make your replies less satisfying, so I'd be less inclined to email you." T: "I don't think I'm smart enough to do something like that. It seems rather devious." Me: "You'd be smart enough, but..." T: "Right but I don't see how it would help if I did that." Me: "Yeah, I'd want you to talk about it. I guess I just sort of worry you were seeing my emails and were like, 'Ugh, not LT again.'" T: "I can assure you I've never thought that." Me: "OK, good." T: "And remember, if it did bother me, what would happen?" Me: "We'd talk about it?" T: "You've got it."

Me: "The thing is...I was talking to a friend about it, and your replies recently *did* give me what I needed. I mean, I said I was worried about your reaction to something, and you reassured me." T: "Yes, I think I said 'all is well.'" Me: "Yes. And it's like...what else was I looking for exactly? It doesn't seem fair to say you didn't give me what I wanted...when I can't even say what it is that I wanted, because maybe I don't know. And I think that's an issue for me with other people, too, that I feel they haven't given me enough, but how can I tell them that if I don't even know what exactly I'm looking for from them?" Talked briefly about that.

Me (crying): "I guess sometimes I just worry that I'm like a bottomless pit of needs." T: "Is it that you think that about yourself or you think I or other people think that?" Me: "I guess both?" T: "I don't think that." Me: "OK, good. I feel like most people in my life probably don't think that because I don't express all my needs to them. With you, I'm more likely to express the needs because...like, you know what's in my head."

T: "With your emails...I can tell that what you write me is just the tip of the iceberg." Me: "Yeah, I try to keep it as short and direct as I can." T: "Which makes it more likely you'll get the answer you want." Me: "Yeah." T: "What I meant by the tip of the iceberg is...when I see what you've written me, I know there's a lot more behind that. Time you spent thinking about it, maybe an email draft you didn't spend, time talking to friends, trying to not email me." Me: "Yes, maybe listening to music...a couple beers." T: "When I'm replying, I'm trying to be cognizant of that and of your distress. It seems particularly intense if it's something about the relationship." Me: "Yeah." T: "And it's like I feel...'pity' isn't the right word, that's too strong. But I'm sorry that you're in distress and want to say what I can to relieve that in the moment." Me: "Thanks for explaining that."

T: "Also without really taking therapy into email and turning it into a back and forth exchange." Me: "I get that." T: "And I'm trying to be mindful of length so that I won't have to charge you for emails. Because I know that stresses you out. So I don't want you to have to worry about that. I'm trying to keep you in the green." Me: "I appreciate that."

Me: "Thanks for explaining all that. I think I just worry that...you've seemed really accepting of the transference stuff lately, and I keep worrying you'll change back to how you were like a year ago." (I started crying again.) Me: "Like I was cleaning and found this printout of your email reply from like a year ago about the stone...where you said something like, 'I guess I'll just have to try to learn to be comfortable talking about transference,' and it was like your discomfort was jumping off the page. I mean, you seem to understand more now, but I worry you'll just suddenly change your mind."

T: "I do feel like focusing too much on the therapeutic relationship can keep you from working on other things. But I don't feel like you've been doing that so much lately." Me: "Yeah, I guess even in talking about the transference a couple weeks ago, it was more in relation to other things from my past." T: "Yes, and it helped me realize that, even stuff about me is not so much about you and me as about patterns in your life. And how working with that and working through those can help you." Me: "OK, good."

T: "As you know, one of my goals for you is for you to see yourself as more of an equal in relationships. And for you to see your value in them." Me: "I guess this relationship is a weird one for that because...I mean, my main value to you is money. I'd like to think it's something more than that, but..." T looked thoughtful for a minute, then said, "Well, you're interesting." Me: "Yeah, I guess I haven't put you to sleep in session yet!" T laughed and agreed. Me: "I suppose if I start doing that, it will probably be time to start reducing sessions."

It was time to stop. Confirmed next week's sessions. I said it had really helped to talk about all this. T said he was glad. As I went over to pay, T said, "Can I ask you something?" Me: "Sure?" He said he had a client who hadn't seen in 10 years who had put him on this email list for a charity. And he wondered if it was OK for him to ask him to take him off the list or if he should just keep deleting the emails as he has been. I said I thought would be OK to ask him to take him off list, that he'd probably forgotten he was on there. T: "OK, I'm going to tell him that LT said it was OK!" Me: "See, you can't, confidentiality!" T smiled. I have no idea why he asked me for advice on that (he's asked me about an editing thing before, but that's my job). Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend. It's supposed to be nice out." Me: "Oh it is? You too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

It was a really good session, and I'm glad I brought up a few concerns. T's explanations about the recent emails and the stuff about how he sees transference now was helpful to hear. And it was nice to know he thinks I'm "interesting."

Yesterday's therapy session was long. It felt like time suspended, and we fit two or three hours into that one-hour space. The nutshell version...

I talked about seeing the kids' dad's therapist, and feeling overwhelmed and not sure how well I'd been able to present what I needed to say and what my goals were. That t had mentioned that he might try "pushing" a little when we both met with him, and I realized that I didn't really know what that meant, so I asked my t what she thought it might mean. She gave me some insight and ideas for how to approach the joint session.

Then, I started to talk about simultaneously wanting to please and wanting to help, and feeling like "Oh hell, no," and thinking "This isn't the time," and feeling overwhelmed as those thoughts log-jammed, but that ultimately the work I'd done around the distress and the stories had been been empowering and what I'd taken from that experience, both around moving forward and learning about right where the edges are, my boundaries.
Me: I was distressed when I left that appointment, pretty overwhelmed. Later I realized that there was a time when I would have needed to share all of those stories to validate my experiences, to make sure that he knew the truth because who knows what the kids' dad has told him? But I don't need to, or even want to, because I know it's not time for that, and because *I* know the truth. I believe myself.

T: I am so.... I don't even have one word for it. Inspired. Honored. Humbled. (And a couple other words.) You've graduated from therapy.
And then we talked about that for a while. I knew what she meant, not that I'm done coming to therapy, but that I've reached a point of healing and stability and trust in my self that I've been working toward for a long time. As a matter of fact, later, when it was time to finish, she told me that she didn't mean I should stop coming, and I said that I knew that, she's stuck with me for a while longer.

After that, I talked about how reaching that point was a balance for the other side of the coin, and I just came out with it, the sense of being deeply damaged in a way that can't be fixed.
T: I want to change just one word for you. You're not damaged, you're injured.
Me: Yes. Thank you. I do know that here (pointing to my head), but I feel it. I can know all of the things about being strong and healing and finding my self, but I still feel (pointing to my gut) damaged. I feel like there's something wrong with me.
As I talked, I could see her suddenly "get it." Her body language and expression shifted, and she just sat and listened. Witnessed. Really heard what I was saying, and as I talked and she didn't tell me how amazing my work has been or how strong I am, but just. listened. and held that for me, I felt such a sense of relief. I think I hadn't shared it that deeply ever, because that feeling needed to be heard and accepted completely as a real part of my experience.
Then we talked about healing and how some things never heal completely and we are left with scars, and that's real.

There was even more, but those moments together in the session feel like they balanced, brought alignment somehow, like tumblers in a lock clicking together or finding some of the last pieces of a puzzle.

No wonder I was exhausted afterward.

I like that, injured, not damaged.

Treble Clef introduced me to the early stages of EMDR today.

It went ok today. She gives me homework every time every week and she says I do it better than any of her other clients. I just write stuff down in the notes app on my phone throughout the week and then transfer it onto paper the day before I see her. She sent a message to my doctor to see if my lamictal is the cause of my nightmares. They have each other’s cell number which is good. She said he can pull strings if he wants to move my appointment with my sleep specialist up.

I thought I’d try writing this out because I almost didn’t go today, and I’m so glad I did because it was unexpectedly nice. He’s on vacation next week, so I want to try to hold onto this feeling for a while.

I brought up the fact that I was upset about the ambivalence around therapy and how hard it feels to both not want to come and to want to come at the same time. I said I was frustrated that the ambivalence is still just as bad as it was a year and a half ago, and it feels crazy to be putting myself through this over and over again each week. And it’s even crazier that I pay money to experience this. He said he thinks it’s different now because I’m willing to talk about it whereas before I wouldn’t. I told him I feel stuck and I said if I leave therapy I won’t have that dreadful discomfort any more. He said he thinks I would still have that discomfort but it would show up in another way.

I said I also feel bad about emailing, especially when he didn’t respond and that I had really wanted to email him yesterday though because I wanted to be sure I brought up how important it was for me to articulate my frustrations with the ambivalence and I wanted to give him a heads up so he wouldn’t be too surprised. He thought it was interesting that I would do that and thought I must think that I am too much for him to deal with in the moment and he wondered where I learned that. I felt bad that last week he said something about how sometimes people call him if they have actual content to discuss, and I told him that I don’t ever want to call him. I’m not sure why it seemed like he had a faint smile when I said that.

I ended up saying I just felt guilty about coming to see him for therapy in general and that it took me a year even to make the appointment to see him because it felt wrong. I told him I’m aware that there are a lot of people who have it much worse and are more deserving of therapy than I am. I told him about the 13 yo girl from Myanmar who had been in several refugee camps and whose mother died of cancer while in one of those camps. Now she’s living in the US with her dad who doesn’t speak any English and she has a bad cancer herself. She (and her father) would be much more deserving of therapy than me. I mean she’s only 13 and had to watch her mother die and now helps translate for her father and is undergoing cancer treatment in a foreign country. He paused for a bit and said that if she lives she would likely feel guilty too, that she watched a parent die and now is left with helping the other while dealing with cancer herself. His eyes seemed a bit watery when he said that and he looked at me quietly. I kept looking away and when I’d look back he was still looking at me, and although he didn’t say it, it seemed like he was making a parallel with my own life (watching a parent die and taking care of another) which was completely unexpected but fit in a strange way. He said, “you’re doing really difficult work,” which was a bit weird (and nice) to hear because sometimes I really don’t know what I’m doing with him.

A snip from yesterday's session with ex's therapist:

I get that this was the second time he'd met me and the first time he'd seen us both together. I get that we had to start somewhere, and best to begin at the beginning. I get that what he went over was pretty standard boilerplate conflict resolution communication strategies. But what the t doesn't know is the way language was used to twist reality, and that all of the language about perspectives and reflective speech and everyone's perception being equally valid was used against me when I was in couples therapy with the kids' dad. The ex would nod and look engaged and say the right things, and then go home and use the therapy language as another weapon.

So...when the t said, "Everyone's perception is equally valid," I didn't throw my pencil at his head and say "NO. That is not true."
And when he said, "The question I want you to address is 'What do I want you to know about me?'" I didn't say, "(Ex) gets to know nothing about me...there is a Keep Out sign with a skull and crossbones on it. He doesn't f***ing get to know me."

I just held the stupid Sharpie and said what I needed to say to get through the divorce conversation. And it worked. So there's that.

I have to do it again in two weeks. F***

Today's session was intense, but good.

I talked at length with R about a triggering work issue, and ended up feeling much safer in my own mind. Interesting question at one point - 'What do you want, Lost?...or what do you feel you deserve?'

'I feel I deserve to be safe in my own mind.'

'Yes.'

Apology no.2 out of 3

T: "I'm sorry"
Me: "Ok"
T: "It's a big deal that you feel like that in here"
Me (to myself): "Don't say stupid shite then"

haha.

T Thursday (then extra session Friday due to some stuff dredged up near the end of the session). Spent first part of session talking about how I'd been stressed and kind of yelled at my D a couple days earlier. And that I felt guilty about it. And recalled how my T had said it's never OK to yell at a kid (he was saying in reference to my H). T clarified that he meant that in the sense that it's generally not productive. How ideally you don't yell, but it happens. I told him I did formally apologize to D, which he said was good.

I said how I felt like a hypocrite for being critical of H yelling at her, when I'd done the same thing. But that I felt it was a little different, because he curses at her at times. I gave a couple examples of things he'd said, like, "Eat your f***ing eggs!" T, seeming concerned: "How often does he do that?" Me: "Maybe like once every week or two?" T: "Hm, OK." I said I feel like there's some filter in my head that keeps me from ever cursing *at* her, like yeah, I might drop an F-bomb at another driver while we in the car, but never anything directed at her. But it seems he doesn't have the same filter. Or get why saying that sort of thing or "shut up" to her or to me isn't really OK.

Which led back to the discussion of whether H could be on the autism spectrum. T said again that he doesn't want to diagnose someone he's never met, but some of it made sense. I said how we'd been out with friends we hadn't seen in a while a few days earlier, and it reminded me of something I love about him, how he can just chat with people he doesn't know well. Then I mentioned how the guy asked how H got into running, and he basically proceeded to give the full history of every race he'd run, and I was thinking, "OK they don't need to know all of that." T said how it seemed like he may not have been reading social cues (another sign of autism). And I said I'm probably overattuned to them, like if I 'm talking to someone, continually scanning to make sure they're not bored. He agreed. I said I even do that with him, and I pay him to listen to me!

I think at this point we had maybe 20 minutes left. I said how sometimes I wondered if my dad could be on the spectrum. How it could explain how he's not as available emotionally. And just some other stuff about him. And he's an engineer, which T said is a common career for people on the spectrum. T: "I feel like in talking about your childhood, you let your dad off the hook for a lot of things. Then other times, you group him in with your mom." Me: "Hm." I started crying. "Yeah, I guess I do let him off the hook more..." T: "And I wonder why that is?" Me: "I guess it seems like...I mean I see how my mom is with her friends, and it's like she seems capable of caring on a certain level, so maybe it feels like she was just choosing not to give that to me. While my dad, maybe he wasn't as capable? I need to think on that more." T said that made sense.

I said how my mom didn't really seem to accept that my D is on autism spectrum, like she just seems to dismiss all of that. T: "So she's treating her like she treated you." Apparently I had a look on my face because he said, "I guess that hasn't occurred to you before?" I said I guessed it really hadn't. T said the difference is that D has me to sort of shield her from the stuff with my mom, while I didn't have that.

We were at the end of session. Confirmed the next week's schedule, and I went over to pay. I forget what we talked about then. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend!" Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

Felt sort of OK after session, but then later that afternoon, had a sort of emotional meltdown that lasted into the evening. Emailed T about it, then when I hadn't heard back by early morning, asked if he had any extra sessions that day. He replied saying he was really sorry for not getting back to me sooner, that he'd had to deal with some stuff, but he had 11 a.m. if I wanted it, or else he could write a longer email reply after his first morning session. I took the 11 a.m. Will write that one up later--was quite emotional.