[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I know it's pointless to debate with you, but it was more the intensity of his reaction to some things lately. Saying he didn't want to be controlled or micromanaged. Saying he felt trapped. Saying he felt what I said was manipulative. Saying he was frustrated with me. So much of that is about *him* and his feelings. Not like, "Oh I wonder what's going on with LT here, let's examine this." It's "How does it affect me?" (referring to Dr. T). If this was a regular relationship, like a friendship, a marriage, family--certainly, he should be sharing his feelings. But it's not. I've often read that part of what you pay a therapist for, besides their time/expertise, is for them to keep their feelings out of it. (Ex-MC often said I didn't have to worry about his feelings, for example, and would say he felt he did something wrong when I did care. Ex-T would say I didn't need to worry about her. K said similarly.) Otherwise, what is it beyond a paid friendship?

I’ve said this before, and perhaps it is pointless to repeat it, but I just don’t see why he shouldn’t be sharing his feelings about your behavior. Info did, once, not long after I started with her—I was angry and took it out on her over email. She didn’t blame me for the anger—she knew it was about other therapists more than her—but she told me she felt attacked when I expressed anger in a certain way, and we discussed it and worked out how I could express that anger without her feeling attacked (because that might keep her from being helpful) and yet I could get it out. So it was still about me.

It helped in real life. And the fact that she would stand up for herself gave me some respect for her.

So I know you’re hurt by what he said and I think he should have expressed some of the things he said differently, but I think he was within his rights to say them without it becoming all about him, and I think even when he spoke from his perspective it was still about you.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

LT at the end of the day if the dynamic isn't working for you, you have every right to move on. Each therapist is different and the dynamic will be different - you may well find someone who is less triggering where you can really get into your emotions and feel safe enough to move forward. I saw a T who often told me how I 'made' her feel and it used to lead to terrible ruptures, with me also feeling as though she was making it all about her. There is a fine line in therapy for when that sort of thing truly benefits the client and when it causes more problems. Eventually I did move on and as you know current T is amazing, so safe and compassionate, and although she does disclose certain things she is always 100% focused on me. Funnily enough, the difficulties I was experiencing with the former T have never re-energed in the same way as that particular relationship was causing a lot of it!

[Xynesthesia2]

I'm sure many would disagree with me on this, but I seriously doubt any therapist or therapy experience involves keeping the Ts feelings and personal tendencies out of it in very major ways. I personally believe it is more about compatibility (or lack thereof) in those tendencies between the two people - just like in any relationship. You like to include attachment-related things in your therapy a lot and attachment styles... From all I could gather, Dr T may have avoidant streaks, maybe not even a little. That might also explain why he is not so interested in working on that with clients and becomes overwhelmed and resistant quite easily. I think the combination of anxious/preoccupied and dismissive/avoidant people is famously challenging and leads to eventual break down of the relationship (both personal and professional) very often. I can also speak for this from my own personal experiences with various people (I am a bit on the dismissive/avoidant side) and easily react in similar ways to your Dr T when I am pushed and challenged in similar ways. Now much less than when I was younger because I am much more aware of these things, more secure, and actually quite interested in it. But still. The way I see it (with my own bias, I am sure) is that this kind of clashing combo might have played a role in the evolution of your last therapy. Perhaps ex-MC was more a bit like you... So I guess the best match, for you, would be someone really secure - that tendency would also become present in your therapy, but affect it differently. The question is how to foresee that or test for that in interviews and from very superficial, initial contact? I think it is quite difficult... not sure what superhuman, mythical ability would be sufficient for predicting that

[JaneTennison1]

how much of ex dr t caring was a projection and how much was real? I wonder sometimes as a lot seemed to be that he sounded caring or felt caring but not an actual thing that changed or that he did. Sometimes he would give in to what you wanted, was that caring? Sharing how he felt about you with you? Always seemed too much but it's not any different from the stone discussion really. If that method suddenly doesnt work the. it's time to move on, but from everything you described it doesnt sound like he changed.

It sounds like your tolerance of hin changed, maybe your willingness to participate in this cycle?

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I know it's pointless to debate with you, but it was more the intensity of his reaction to some things lately. Saying he didn't want to be controlled or micromanaged. Saying he felt trapped. Saying he felt what I said was manipulative. Saying he was frustrated with me. So much of that is about *him* and his feelings. Not like, "Oh I wonder what's going on with LT here, let's examine this." It's "How does it affect me?" (referring to Dr. T). If this was a regular relationship, like a friendship, a marriage, family--certainly, he should be sharing his feelings. But it's not. I've often read that part of what you pay a therapist for, besides their time/expertise, is for them to keep their feelings out of it. (Ex-MC often said I didn't have to worry about his feelings, for example, and would say he felt he did something wrong when I did care. Ex-T would say I didn't need to worry about her. K said similarly.) Otherwise, what is it beyond a paid friendship?

You wanted him to be open and honest with you. When he wasn't, you persisted until he was. When he was honest and open with you, you got angry. If I remember correctly
you said he said he told you more than other clients because he knew you would read into things. Now you are upset because he told you his feelings and they hurt you. So did you only want him to tell you the truth or what you wanted to hear? Do you think that is what he meant by feeling trapped?

[zoiecat]

I agree with many of the comments. I know that you are hurting LT, and I know that you need to feel cared for. You also said that you don't have that problem with regular friend, only with male authority figures.. If this is the case, why not consider just stopping therapy for awhile so you don't have to suffer. It doesn't sound like you have any other male authority figures in your life accept your dad. I am not sure how much you actually worked on this relationship with T. You only seem to share your relationship issues in dealing with your MC and T.

I noticed a pattern that you were satisfied in session or emails when T agreed with you on any issue. He always said he would be honest with you but when he was honest and it wasn't what you wanted to hear if was very upsetting for you causing you to try to persuade him to your side. I guess what you really need to decide is do you want to only hear what you want to hear, or do you want to hear the truth and use it as a step toward personal growth and improvement. Therapy involves the client to change; change their thoughts, actions, or ways in which they respond to the unavoidable difficulties in life.

I totally understand your wanting to start with a new T but I also agree that you need to review and accept your actions that contributed to the destruction of the relationship. Repeating more of the same is eventually only going to result in more of the same. I don't really think Dr. T had tight boundaries as he usually gave in and did what you wanted (stone, standing, etc). Although there may be someone further in the middle, I wonder if it would be more helpful for you to see someone with even tighter boundaries to allow yourself to learn to accept no from someone who will hold their boundaries but not get frustrated when you keep pushing.

Personally, I want a T to tell me the truth. I frequently ask my T for an honest answer and it does appear that he tell me exactly what he is thinking. It is not always the answer I want to hear but it allows me to learn how to deal with a disagreement in a safe environment with someone who will not hurt me. I also have to deal with disagreements with people in my real life. I need to learn how to do handle these situations in the real world, I need to learn how to accept that not everything will go my way and people will not always agree with me. I know that everyone is different but for me, that is what therapy is about. Learning to calm myself, increase my distress tolerance and develop skills successfully relate to all kinds of people on a daily basis.

Everyone can give you their opinion and experiences but in the end only you can come up with the answer. Only you can determine what you are looking for and your goals are for therapy. Now that you are between therapists it is the perfect time to make these decisions and choose the T that will help you meet those goals.

[susannahsays]

I keep thinking it sounds like you're idealizing other therapists - including ex-MC, which feels slightly surreal to me as an onlooker.

[Out There]

Sorry you're hurting LT. I admire you for being open with what's happened/ happening and what your feelings are , but perhaps you can see the patterns emerging from this with the input from other people ( not that everything is your pattern by any means ). I didn't have a good feeling from your T saying you shouldn't talk about this with other T's , things need to be talked about as long as they need to be talked about , even if it's years , I certainly did this and needed this. I was taken by Echos's input on other things overlaying your needs , like people's opinions ( from everywhere ) I've noticed this in my life too , and it's something I've started to look at.

[ElectricManatee]

I'm guessing a lot of LT's struggles stem from invalidation developmentally, so more invalidation isn't going to help anything. You can only stay and work it out if the other person is up to the task. This is why a lot of people end up having to become estranged from their subpar parents rather than work the original problems through with them. It isn't really running away if the parent is hurting you and refusing to truly, deeply understand your perspective before they even think about bringing their own feelings into it.

Healing developmental trauma is way different from handling normal adult relationships, which is why people ask therapists -- not friends or partners -- to help them do it. Yes, you likely develop interpersonal skills along the way, but that isn't where you start. (There are a ton of parallels with healthy parenting here. Is it helpful to guide your kid away from doing something that is likely to annoy others? Sure. Is it helpful to share the full breadth and depth of your white-hot irritation in the moment without considering the impact it might have on your kid? Definitely not.)

I think the boundaries conversation is fascinating because it sounds like Dr. T really broke the fourth wall in a dramatic fashion in the last few sessions. Part of him getting sucked into the old pattern is that he "allowed" LT to get under his skin and then turned it around and blamed her for his irritation. Total reenactment in the guise of him being "honest."

I've talked to my T before about how she handles the more challenging aspects of clients' reactions and testing, and she had some really clear things that she does or knows about herself to keep her from going to that place of overwhelm or annoyance. She basically won't let the client blow up the relationship. But that comes from a lot of training, supervision, self-care, and personal therapy, and a good sense of how she personally can be most effective as a therapist. Hopefully there is a good trauma-knowledgeable therapist out there who can do this kind of thing for you, LT. Validation is not bad when it's wielded by somebody who can ultimately work alongside you to help change your patterns.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I'm guessing a lot of LT's struggles stem from invalidation developmentally, so more invalidation isn't going to help anything. You can only stay and work it out if the other person is up to the task. This is why a lot of people end up having to become estranged from their subpar parents rather than work the original problems through with them. It isn't really running away if the parent is hurting you and refusing to truly, deeply understand your perspective before they even think about bringing their own feelings into it.

Healing developmental trauma is way different from handling normal adult relationships, which is why people ask therapists -- not friends or partners -- to help them do it. Yes, you likely develop interpersonal skills along the way, but that isn't where you start. (There are a ton of parallels with healthy parenting here. Is it helpful to guide your kid away from doing something that is likely to annoy others? Sure. Is it helpful to share the full breadth and depth of your white-hot irritation in the moment without considering the impact it might have on your kid? Definitely not.)

I think the boundaries conversation is fascinating because it sounds like Dr. T really broke the fourth wall in a dramatic fashion in the last few sessions. Part of him getting sucked into the old pattern is that he "allowed" LT to get under his skin and then turned it around and blamed her for his irritation. Total reenactment in the guise of him being "honest."

I've talked to my T before about how she handles the more challenging aspects of clients' reactions and testing, and she had some really clear things that she does or knows about herself to keep her from going to that place of overwhelm or annoyance. She basically won't let the client blow up the relationship. But that comes from a lot of training, supervision, self-care, and personal therapy, and a good sense of how she personally can be most effective as a therapist. Hopefully there is a good trauma-knowledgeable therapist out there who can do this kind of thing for you, LT. Validation is not bad when it's wielded by somebody who can ultimately work alongside you to help change your patterns.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes x1000

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I know it's pointless to debate with you, but it was more the intensity of his reaction to some things lately. Saying he didn't want to be controlled or micromanaged. Saying he felt trapped. Saying he felt what I said was manipulative. Saying he was frustrated with me. So much of that is about *him* and his feelings. Not like, "Oh I wonder what's going on with LT here, let's examine this." It's "How does it affect me?" (referring to Dr. T). If this was a regular relationship, like a friendship, a marriage, family--certainly, he should be sharing his feelings. But it's not. I've often read that part of what you pay a therapist for, besides their time/expertise, is for them to keep their feelings out of it. (Ex-MC often said I didn't have to worry about his feelings, for example, and would say he felt he did something wrong when I did care. Ex-T would say I didn't need to worry about her. K said similarly.) Otherwise, what is it beyond a paid friendship?

But wait - wasn't it *you* that was always pushing him to tell you about his feelings? Wasn't it you that always wanted him to tell you how he felt about you? Wasn't it you that was always so anxious about needing to know if he cared / if he thought well of you / if he still liked you / if he still accepted you?

Didn't *you* make it all about his feelings all the way through?

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by unaluna

But shes leaving. And shes the one who is framing it as all these things are happening. Literally like shes framing him. "I wrote this kind of email. I made this kind of demand. He said no." I dont see where he is getting "sucked in". Shes leaving. He said okay bye.

What should he be doing differently? Honestly, i dont get it. I feel like hes just sitting there, and shes hopping around, jabbing at him. Hes not reacting - he is not going to wrestle with her! So she is like, fine im leaving. And he is like, dont let the door hit your butt on the way out. Which may be uncalled for, but so was the jabbing?! Idk. Im truly puzzled.

I don't understand why you are talking about LT in the third person, instead of taking to her. You don't want to validate her explorations and you do want to validate Dr, T from where you sit. Ok. But you are coming off as belittling to LT, by speaking for her T ( door hit your butt on the way out ). He may or may not have motivations like the ones described, but he has shown care and work and so has LT. . Talking to LT directly, and not in the third person about her is more respectful.

[Yellowbuggy]

Good therapy involves a delicate balance of providing validation and challenging the client to face the truth, which can be painful.

Ex-MC was great at validating - anything and everything was ok, until it wasn’t. Validation alone is only so helpful. If it was, the therapy would have been successful.

Dr.T was the exact opposite. I do believe he cared about LT, but I agree he got frustrated in the end and wasn’t willing to change his stance because he believes in it. That’s ok.

LT - I think you can find a T that works for you, but I wouldn’t take a chance with an inexperienced T. I would also stick with a woman T. Remove the element of sexual tension from the room entirely. It plays a big role in your core issues.

[atisketatasket]

LT, changing topics—you have a psychiatrist, right? Perhaps she (I think?) might be of help in finding a suitable therapist?

And I think you are on meds—and I am wondering if you might consider an adjustment. A lot of the buildup to this seemed to involve increasingly common spiraling thoughts about Dr. T, sh, si. That might be something a medication change could help with.

You’ve said you’re perimenopausal and hormone changes can certainly counteract meds on which you’re normally stable.

[susannahsays]

By the way, I probably wouldn't juxtapose a sentiment about paying M or another therapist you meet with to keep their feelings out of it with a question about their willingness to express care. I guess you could ask if you could pay them to filter out any negative feelings, but that would probably not have a good reception and isn't possible to do in any case.

Maybe the Japanese will create a robot therapist who can accommodate these conflicting demands.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I don't understand why you are talking about LT in the third person, instead of taking to her... Talking to LT directly, and not in the third person about her is more respectful.

Im sorry if i upset you or LT by my choice of person. I do confess to a dramatic, metaphoric tone when discussing even my own psychological conundrae(sp?). I intend no disrespect in any case.

[atisketatasket]

Just conundra (neuter plural).

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Just conundra (neuter plural).

Hey! I get to choose my pronouns, isnt that in your syllabae? boy, things could get complicated! This could be REALLY why Rome fell.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Yes, ex-MC had told me how it's really common, and very similar to how kids test their parents (from when they're young to teens). To me, it seemed like an opportunity for him to work with me on the source of that. And I said multiple times that it wasn't just about him, that it was a bigger thing. But he seemed to insist that it was mostly about him. So I'd get kinda stuck. Like he didn't want to make therapy about him so much, but then he'd say my reactions were about him...

Do you find that you test people in this way outside of therapy in your every day life? Or just within therapy

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by unaluna

You did that with mc at the end too, accusing him of having too loose boundaries. Maybe you are being overly aggressive when you are under the influence, and neither you nor the t is realizing thats what is going on? Then afterwards you rightly innocently disavow, but the damage has been done.

Honestly for me ( amd I speak only for myself ) my t doing extra things, beyond what hed normally do for a client ( his words) because he "cared" made me elated. I felt so special and like a teachers pet. Every time hed respond to my text at 9pm or spend extra time with me , buy me gifts , everything. It solidified that feeling of being special and needing to be special to him. But with me I always want more and that is my major downfall. I always want more it will never be enough to me. If t moved into my home with me and talked to me every waking moment , I would somehow want MORE. It's the same with drugs with me. Even though I'm good I want more. Push the limit. How far can I go

There is obviously an element of self sabotage and self destruction within that pattern

But when t did something I didnt like , it became a source of resentment and bitterness. You used to do this why not anymore??? Then self blame and hatred. And hatred for T

It's all fine and dandy until something goes sour . Then jts a major source of conflict

When t slowly took the extra stuff away I spent a LONG time in turmoil trying to get them back

I'm glad to say that now it's not as big as an issue for me. And I've come to accept that t has done the right thing here. I am notably less dependent on him and the extras.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

...When t slowly took the extra stuff away I spent a LONG time in turmoil trying to get them back...I'm glad to say that now it's not as big as an issue for me. And I've come to accept that t has done the right thing here. I am notably less dependent on him and the extras...

Yeah, my t did like the same 5 extra things from beginning to end. Somewhere in the middle there were like 2 or 3 extra extra things, like i literally cried on his shoulder, but after i did it once, i didnt need it again, so it wasnt a matter of his taking it away. Like if he let me lean on his shoulder but then i didnt cry, then the next (not necessarily consecutive) time, i had probably processed whatever enough. It wasnt all about his shoulder. It was about what i was processing at the moment. And the "same 5 things" (opening hug, closing hug, etc) provided stability and unconditional positive regard.

Eta - altho i did have a standing request in for him to take me to his home for the weekend and carry me around in a Snugli as he cut the lawn, played tennis, etc.

[Nik87]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Some of the, well, lowlights from now-ex-Dr.T Monday.

I started by saying I thought maybe we're at an impasse, how I'm struggling to get past some things he's said lately. He immediately got defensive and said how he didn't say I was being manipulative, that he said what he felt what I did was manipulative. Me: "Actually, that's not what I was referring to..."

I mentioned his saying he'd felt "trapped" when I wrote to him with

Possible trigger:

SUI/SH thoughts a couple weeks before

. T: "I was just being honest about how I felt." Me: "But 'trapped' has a really negative feel to it. It suggests I did that intentionally, when I didn't." T: "OK, we can use 'pressured.' Is that better?" Me: "Yes."

T said he was trying to protect his outside life, such as his time. I said he could have just written a couple sentences back to me (vs. the two long emails he sent). T: "That wouldn't have been enough for you." Me: "Yes it would have. It has been in the past. Or if you said you couldn't write more then, but referred me to crisis line. That would have been better than what you wrote." T: "I said some supportive things in there." Me: "But it was mixed in with more negative things. So it was hard to focus on those." T said something else about just being honest. I said how you could say someone is ugly and then defend that because it's "honest." I forget what he said to that.

I was suddenly like, "Can I just pay now?" T: "Uh, I guess, yeah." He said I didn't have to stand up, he took card from me, put it through, handed it back, and sat back down. Me: "I meant to do that at the beginning and just forgot." T: "OK."

T: "I feel like you think I've been cruel to you." Me: "I've never used that word before. You're projecting that onto me." (I was turning the tables there, as lately he's said I've been projecting onto him.) T: "Well, you seem to think it." Me: "You have been pretty harsh at times lately." T: "You keep projecting things onto me and it bothers me." (I wanted to say, "Yeah, it's called transference," but I resisted.)

Bringing up something from last time, I said I'd pushed for more signs of caring from him because I hadn't felt it from him lately. T: "I'm not the one who should be providing that." I didn't know what to say to that. T: "And if I showed more caring, you'd just want more and more. You'd never be satisfied." I said I disagreed with that. How, I know this isn't about love, but this is just the example that comes to mind. That H and I say "I love you" to each other multiple times a day. So I don't feel the need to ask him "do you love me?" And I try to do the same with D.

I mentioned how I often felt worse after sessions. Particularly those about therapeutic relationship. Forget what he said to that?
I asked if he had thoughts on potential ways for us to move forward. T: "Do you actually want me to talk about those? Because I get the sense that maybe you just want to end." Me: "...Yeah, I think maybe I just need to end, take a break at least."

T started talking about how I'd do with other therapists. T: "You're either going to be unhappy with the next therapeutic relationship because you'll hit up against their boundaries and it won't be enough. Or else you'll end up in a boundary-blurring relationship like with Ex-MC. Where it's more like an outside relationship." Me: "But isn't there a big middle ground in there." T: "Maybe?"

He told me that I shouldn't spend much time with a future T talking about stuff with him. Because that's not really what I'm in therapy for. He said he got frustrated that I talked about ex-MC so much in the beginning with him. Me: "But...I came to see you specifically to consult about ex-MC...and told you that. So, of course I was going to talk about him. And I imagine I'll need to process this, about you. Because I've been seeing you twice a week for 2 years." T: "But you shouldn't take much time on it. Because the T might wonder what you're doing there." Me: "...."

He confirmed that he should take me off the schedule for Thursday and that I didn't want to schedule any future sessions. I said he was right. I asked if it was still OK to come back at some point, like if I saw another T for a while, then maybe wanted to continue working with him on some things. T said it was fine. Me: "OK, I know you've said that in the past, just making sure it still applied." T: "Yes." Me: "Or even if it's just for one session, in, say, 3 weeks to talk things through?" T: "Yes. And I'd be surprised if you didn't do that." Me: "OK."

I stood up to throw away my tissues, but first looked at his fish and moved finger in front of her for a second. Me: "Take good care of your fish." T: "I will." I threw away my pile of tissues.

T held out his hand. As I shook it, he said, "Good luck." Me: "Thanks." T: "Be well." Me (kinda mumbling): "You too." Then I left.

I know this was from a few days ago.. but I feel like your T is being manipulative and had a hidden agenda when he said you shouldn’t spend a lot of time talking about him to your next T. He is probably concerned about his reputation or other T’s opinion about him. You’re right, his best interest seems to come before your own.

[snowangel17]

I'm sorry to hear things didn't end so well with your T LT. Like many others, I think you can find a T that can help you and you are not doomed forever. This T just didn't seem to have the background in attachment and relational issues that it seems he needed IMO. What he said in his last session to you does not seem helpful from reading it here. Yes, you may find a new T and come across similar issues but the hope is they will help you work through those issues and help you to figure out why those patterns are happening and what you can do about them. You do need to find a T who has firm clear boundaries and is not willing to compromise but can also show you the care that you seek.

I have some similar issues with my T in that I am always looking for signs of care and pushing the boundaries. I am shown care in lots of ways but not always in the way that I want which I find frustrating. I always feel like I need it to be more explicit and THEN I would feel it but she does not think that would be helpful for various reasons. I am in no doubt she finds me incredibly frustrating at times (She has alluded to this on one occasion when I asked) but does not choose to share this with me on a regular basis or ever let it show. We are in therapy for therapists to help us. Frustration and annoyance and all those other great things should be part of their work and they should have ways to deal with it. Honesty can be beneficial at appropriate times not necessarily needed ALL of the time IMO. A good therapist would have some awareness or understanding of the reasons why a client keeps needing to know that they care or at least a willingness and curiosity to explore it further if not.

As someone else mentioned the therapy relationship is a microcosm of what goes on in the outside world. There I do also find it difficult to 'feel' other people's care having relied on myself for so much of my life. I have the awareness however not to push the boundaries of those people to ask or get them to show me in ways that are detrimental to the relationship like I do in therapy. That is what therapy is for. It allows me to explore those desires and needs that I can't really explore as safely in the real world. It's through exploring them that I hope perhaps I'll find some answers and maybe even make improvements and heal some of the old relational and attachment wounds that I have. I think the right T with solid boundaries but an ability to show care and perhaps even say it can help you do the same. Good luck in your search for your next T!

[emeraldheart]

Hi LT

I have only been reading and not posting on the forum. I always read your thread though because I am always amazed by your self-reflection and can only hope I am able to do that in my own therapy. I won’t pretend to know what I think needs to be done in your situation, because I really don’t! Also, there are more people here who have better advice and who “know” you and your situation better than I ever could.

But I just wanted to share this. Your recent fallout with your T struck me because I feel like we both struggle with the same thing - just on opposite sides.

I don’t look for reassurance from my T. i’m the opposite. I dismiss it whenever he does offer it and I get frustrated that he’s not more direct and straightforward with me. I keep telling him to be honest, just stop being nice already, and just tell me what he really thinks. “just be brutally honest”, I would say every week.

For some reason, I reject anything he says that’s remotely encouraging or reassuring. I thought I wasn’t being needy because he didn’t have to prove to me that he cared all the time. But I actually was needy, just in a different way.

We have now gotten into discussions about why I feel like I need him to be “less nice”. He has told me how he feels about my demand of him to say certain things, but not others. In my mind, I thought I was giving him the freedom to say whatever he wants, but I realized later that I wasn’t. I was unconsciously trying to micromanage and control the things he said to me. He has shared his frustration with having to prove his honesty all the time. It was really only then that I realized that just because he is reassuring and supportive, doesn’t automatically mean that he is being dishonest.

It’s still such a struggle for me and it sometimes does get in the way of actual therapy, but I’m getting there. I can now identify when I’m about to ask him for a specific answer. I am now learning how to pause and ask myself if there really is a need for me to challenge what he says, or is it my insecurity talking again? Sometimes I wonder aloud and T helps me figure out where it is coming from.

I don’t think you’re doomed at all and I hope you find the right T for you.

[LonesomeTonight]

I thought I had updated this here, but apparently not. I actually ended up going back for another session with Dr. T about 2 weeks after I'd terminated. We talked things through, and I decided to come back. I've now been back for, I guess, 2.5 months, twice a week, and it has been very different with him, in a good way. It feels like we both examined how we were acting (I admit some fault, too) and are now more respectful and understanding of each other. I really have to wonder if Dr. T either got some consultation after I left or just did a lot of thinking or research or something. Because how he approaches me now seems different. I think I've shifted in how I approach him as well. And I feel like there's been a lot of progress in the time since I've been back. Like I've delved into some really difficult issues (like from my past and present), and there have been lots of helpful insights on both of our parts. We have spent some time discussing what happened between us over the summer, but maybe just the first two sessions back, then it will occasionally come up briefly. So the therapeutic relationship is less of a main topic and more in the background. But the times it has come up, it's been OK, and T has seemed much more at ease about it. There just seems to be a level of comfort between us that wasn't there before.


I think I typed up my session when I went back to talk things through--will see if I can dig that up and post it.