Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

Echos Myron redux · Apr 28, 2019, 03:49 PM

I sometimes think, if, for one week, I allowed myself to just respond to you exactly as I want to, email you every time I want to email you and not censor myself at all, you would get a very different insight into who I am.

Apr 28, 2019, 08:28 PM

If they tell me tomorrow that I have to have surgery and I ask you for support would you just tell me that i brought this on myself?

I think you might based on how you said in February that you were surprised I didn't have more health problems. Well now I do so I suppose it's all my fault

velcro003 · Apr 28, 2019, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

If they tell me tomorrow that I have to have surgery and I ask you for support would you just tell me that i brought this on myself?

I think you might based on how you said in February that you were surprised I didn't have more health problems. Well now I do so I suppose it's all my fault

aw Artie. I would hope she would NEVER say you brought it on yourself. That is just terrible for anyone to say, much less a T.

Apr 28, 2019, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

aw Artie. I would hope she would NEVER say you brought it on yourself. That is just terrible for anyone to say, much less a T.

Yeah, she wouldn't. I'm just in a lot of pain.

goatee · Apr 28, 2019, 09:57 PM

T, please, please answer me.

LabRat27 · Apr 29, 2019, 12:56 AM

Possible trigger:

You've tried to convince me that you won't care less if I stop hurting myself, but we both know that's not true
Don't believe me?
Let me know how you feel on Tuesday.

I'd even brought this up with you before and I thought you seemed to get it.
But apparently you forgot.
I tried to tell you Friday that I needed you to acknowledge my progress and how hard it was and that I needed some kind of approval
And you weren't listening
You didn't hear me

Hurting myself gets you to hear me
It always does
Because you care more

This is why I ****ing told you not to tell me if it upset or bothered you when I hurt myself
Because now I know that it does
And, as I've told you before, I'm a bad person.
I'll hurt myself to hurt you so that I can feel cared about

Know this: I wouldn't be hurting myself if I believed that you didn't care either way
I wouldn't be hurting myself if you'd agreed that it was for the best that I not tell you when I do
I'm hurting myself because of you. Because you didn't listen when I told you why I can't let myself have these things. You didn't believe me that you shouldn't care.

Echos Myron redux · Apr 29, 2019, 04:22 AM

I hate you. No sorry, I mean I love you. No I hate you. Love you. Hate you. Love you. Hate you. Love you. Argh.

DP_2017 · Apr 29, 2019, 05:52 AM

I shouldn't have done what I did before bed. Seems I never learn, I must enjoy torturing myself, especially since I'm not in therapy right now. I miss you. I wish I believed you missed me.

CartDown · Apr 29, 2019, 07:18 AM

I love you so much it hurts. Sometimes I wish you were able to love me, too.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 29, 2019, 09:36 AM

You excelled yourself in that email response. Thank you.
I'm very glad we had that moment of laughter, even though it was embarrassing for me.

*hug*

LonesomeTonight · Apr 29, 2019, 09:57 AM

Dear T,
Guess we'll be talking about paternal transference today. I'm not at all anxious about that, nope...not in the slightest. (Why couldn't I have just stuck with the occasional ET?)
Love,
LT

piggy momma · Apr 29, 2019, 10:36 AM

Can I come early? I’m so freaking bored I don’t know what to do with myself.

Echos Myron redux · 02:43 PM

None of this, NONE of it, makes up for the hole in my heart when you're not there.

piggy momma · Apr 29, 2019, 02:18 PM

Today was not our best session, but they can’t all be intense. And - it was nice to not be dealing with a crisis. So that’s a good thing. And I’m glad you agreed when I said we need to coordinate our gym times because we can’t both be at the gym at the same time. We both think it would be weird.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 29, 2019, 02:39 PM

Dear T,
I think session was pretty good, and I appreciate your reassurance at the end. I'm still not entirely sure what I need from you right now. I really appreciate your saying that you're not weirded out by the transference, and saying how you'd tell me if you were. Maybe I just want you to tell me that everything will be OK? Because these are some pretty intense feelings right now. Not just toward you, just grieving childhood stuff in general. I don't know...I think I'm just scared because of how the paternal transference went with ex-MC. But...I guess that wasn't what led to the undoing of my relationship with him, it was the other stuff.... So, maybe it will be OK with you? Will do my best to wait till Thursday. (Though I sort of want to ask if you have anything Wed.--not tomorrow, because I have p-doc, which scares me a bit).

Love you,
LT

goatee · Apr 29, 2019, 05:17 PM

I guess now you’re really angry at me and really hurt by me since you didn’t answer and after my behavior today. I’m sorry. I was just angry. Is what I said really so awful? How come when I say something, it’s awful but when you say something, you stand by it and it’s never anything so terrible. I’m confused.

Apr 29, 2019, 05:35 PM

It was so weird to hear you suggest what to talk about--the remaining transference feelings, but it somehow felt caring.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 29, 2019, 06:25 PM

Dear T,
Yeah, I feel really awful right now. Your offering me something Wed., then being like "Decide now, another client wants it" didn't so much help. Because waiting till Thursday isn't much different--it was more if you had something tomorrow. Attempting to compose an email to you, as I said I'd do instead of an earlier session. I don't know...Maybe I just can't do this. Maybe it hurts too much.
LT

DP_2017 · Apr 29, 2019, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear T,
Yeah, I feel really awful right now. Your offering me something Wed., then being like "Decide now, another client wants it" didn't so much help. Because waiting till Thursday isn't much different--it was more if you had something tomorrow. Attempting to compose an email to you, as I said I'd do instead of an earlier session. I don't know...Maybe I just can't do this. Maybe it hurts too much.
LT

Challenge yourself to let someone else take it and wait. You are stronger than you think, you can do this. If you need to step back and take a break, that's ok too, therapy is ALOT emotionally... it's very ok to take breaks.

piggy momma · Apr 29, 2019, 07:05 PM

Thank you for replying to my email. I’m glad we’ve decided we can both be in the gym at the same time.

88Butterfly88 · Apr 29, 2019, 07:12 PM

Dear New T,

Bad day today. Maybe I will talk to you about it when I see you.

-Butterfly

LonesomeTonight · Apr 29, 2019, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Challenge yourself to let someone else take it and wait. You are stronger than you think, you can do this. If you need to step back and take a break, that's ok too, therapy is ALOT emotionally... it's very ok to take breaks.

Thanks. Yep, told him to let the other client have the session Wed.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 29, 2019, 07:46 PM

OK, then I emailed...

LabRat27 · Apr 29, 2019, 07:55 PM

It feels like I need something more if I'm going to actually make those changes. This isn't enough for me to be able to do that. I want to feel like I'm getting something extra to balance things out. I want to feel like you're giving me something.

I don't know if that would actually be a good thing though. Because nothing will ever feel like enough. I'm not sure whether or not it would at least help.

I want to feel like you're in this with me.
It just occurred to me that maybe I feel resentful.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 29, 2019, 08:08 PM

Dear T,
I hate myself right now. Though honestly, I'm not too happy with you, either. Why did you have to bring up that maybe I was a difficult child to raise? Now I'm putting the blame on myself. Even though I was in many ways pretty easy--very self-entertaining, for example. Did well in school. Followed the rules. I hate paternal transference because it gives everything you say such greater meaning. And I guess I'm failing at the "waiting till morning to email" thing. Hope you don't think I'm a failure. I should have just waited. FFS, I already asked for an earlier session, then declined when someone else wanted it. I'm so ****ing needy. Don't you just want to pawn me off? Aren't you tired of me by now? Maybe you'd even be OK if I saw your colleague, because then you wouldn't have to deal with me. I love you though. Damn it.

LT

Menu

Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

My Support Forums