Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Thank you for reminding me of my strength yesterday. I think I will need it today.

I hope you have an umbrella.



EDIT: I'm sorry for blowing up on you.

Awake in the middle of the night thinking about seeing you after work today and I need to go back to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well all month. I hate this. I want to run away again but I'm afraid to cuz what if you were right? I don't want to cause myself to have to have another surgery. I feel trapped again and I don't like it at all. I know I am not making any sense. Ok? I know that.

It makes sense to me artie.

I often feel trapped as much I want to be in the therapy relationship.

didn't you go every other week before? maybe you could try that..

Thanks lemon. I did used to, but then she said "every 2 weeks isn't therapy" and said maybe she'd been colluding with me on that or something. I dunno what the right answer is.

Sometimes I wish I could just send you a playlist. The songwriters I'm listening to at the moment say more about my experience than I ever could.

I'm not proud of it but thank you for giving me that space to actually express all my anger. Amongst everything else I said I remember telling you to eff your therapy.

I don't think your environment thing is a cult either. It's something that I would actually want to be more involved in. (despite all my flights).

Dear T: I kind of miss you today. Like, I wish we could have another good session like we did Tuesday night. I hope I'm not getting attached. I feel like I might be wanting that warm and fuzzy feeling and I don't want to do that with you. I don't want to end up missing you like I do former T. I want to hold you at arms length, but I also want to hold you tight. Not that we've ever hugged. Kit

Be on your game today ok

(Tapatalk needs a delete button)

Dear T,
I miss you. I wish you'd look at your email tonight, but I know your general rule when away is just the mornings. I respect and understand that. But I can still wish you'd look tonight.
Love,
LT

Vulnerability sucks, just sayin.

Agreed....

I called her Tuesday night and she never returned my call. She’s always called me back in the past. I didn’t actually ask her to call me back though. I don’t want this therapist reading into things that aren’t actually there so I’m not even going to mention the fact that she didn’t call me back. When I’m in her office I present myself as a calm and laid back person who doesn’t really give a damn (in a good way like little things like this don’t bother me) when in reality that’s not always the case. Maybe she was just sick or out of the office.

Oh L thank you so much for today. Your drumming was so spot-on I wanted to stay in that little world so much longer and it ended too soon! Great guided meditation, did you make that up on the spot? Whatever it was awesome and just what I needed today. I loved what you said about our fluorite crystals! I'll definitely bring mine next week so they can "have a meetup" haha! I was so tired when I got there, kinda didn't want to be there, was feeling like running away again... but... I don't feel that way anymore. Ok but next week we need to get back to that intense/uncomfortable conversation from last week, don't we? Maybe I'll have finished editing that poem by then. We shall see, we shall see. Tomorrow I'll probably feel like running again but right now? right this minute? I wish I were coming twice a week. I'm sure it will pass.

Dear T,
I have been wishing that therapy was more like surgery....then you could just remove all of the broken and damaged pieces of me and throw them away...of course, I am not sure there would be much left after that....
This is where my mind goes when left to my own devices... I miss you. Hurry back?

You and C need to get a life and stop worrying about mine! Maybe if you guys got some sometime, you wouldn't be so obsessed with me and my sex life!

Later, losers!

I hate you I wish you were dead. I felt special and you did nothing to disabuse me of this thinking. I don't know why will not see me again, it feels like I have inherent unlikeability both you and G , but G physically ran away to be a doctor

I feel sort of like the Grinch, but not in a bad way. More like when “the Grinch’s heart grew 3 times that day.” Something happened and I don’t understand it, but I’ll take it.

I almost lost u

Dear T,
I feel horribly ungrateful saying this, but your reply really sucked. Telling me to "have an excellent day" when I said I was struggling and kept crying? That's not what I meant by "words of encouragement" or "let me know you're still out there." And the comment about your being gone for a week pushes the limits of my emotional tolerance felt a bit judge-y. Even if it's the truth. Because it wasn't just about your being away, it's what I talked about with R. I'd have likely reacted the same after a session on that same topic with you (as I have before). Plus I made it a week without contact, I hope you can recognize that as something.
LT

Well you are literally the difference between me throwing in the towel on this thing and keeping going. Thank you for your email today. You are amazing and I love you.

PSA to therapists in general:
If your client (or backup client) talks about how they're struggling with things, keep crying, etc., be careful in what you say back to them. Things like "Have an excellent day!" or "I hope you get to enjoy the splendor of the outdoors this evening. It's divine!" (T and backup T, respectively, today), like yeah, sorry, not feeling that over-the-top s**t right now. Maybe go with something more low-key, like, "I hope your day gets better" or "I hope you're feeling better this morning." Even "good" would be fine. Just bear in mind your audience's current state of mind. And temper things accordingly.
--LT

What are we doing? I need a plan. I want a plan. Something measurable. You don't work that way though do you. Hmm.