Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Aw, that's cute. And what is Teddy feeling today?

I'll be glad when this Movember (it's a men's health awareness/fundraiser that you can google if you're interested) thing is over. There is a guy at work, who has previously triggered me due to his anger, who is growing his beard out and it's bothering me because it reminds me of my STB-ex's beard somewhat.

That’s awesome. P is helping her.

I’ll have to check out this feelings poster thing for the 4 year old..

Yeah, suggests she's helping and also that D likes her. Here's the link. There are other ones, but they didn't include "frustrated," which is one that P has been emphasizing.

Hugs, NP...

Apparently one of them was feeling "confused," as she asked them, and then said, "Ohhhh, is that why you were feeling confused?" (She doesn't use voices for the animals, so not sure what the reply was!)

I don't have an issue with beards per se, but I had an issue with his. It was very unkempt. He didn't trim it and when he ate it was just gross. He would chew on the ends of his mustache which was also just not very pleasing to observe. It was very wiry and if he was close enough, irritated my skin. It was also turning gray, but in patches, and I think the wiry, gray thing my coworker is growing is what is bothering me. STB-ex knew I hated it, but wouldn't do anything about it, which is his right, although I think some compromise wouldn't have been unreasonable. I've seen homeless men on the street with similar facial hair and I find it a bit triggering to be honest, which is probably exacerbated because that's why I wouldn't kick him out. I didn't want him to end up on the street.

My therapist has a beard, but he seems to keep it up, from whenever I've glimpsed it out of my peripheral vision. I've complained about the H's beard in session several times. I hope he doesn't think I have something personal against his beard, because I don't and I don't find his beard triggering at all.

I'm struggling because at this time last year I was with my mom as she steadily got worse. Today is my birthday and I just remember taking her back to the hospital again. Doesn't help that it is raining all day here. I'm going out to dinner with friends tomorrow.

This makes a lot of sense. That he'll do it if he chooses to, but not if I'm trying to push him to do it. He's often the one to remind me if I forget to pay at the beginning, too--part of the compromise we came up with to avoid the sit down/stand up/sit down thing at the end, plus I like getting paying out of the way, as it's especially awkward to do if it's been a difficult session. And then I feel it emphasizes the business transaction part of it right at the end. Which I think is part of why what he says when we shake hands had more weight to me, as it was "pay, then shake hands." Now it seems a bit less important. (I think this was also partly because with ex-T and ex-MC, I'd pay a receptionist before the session, so that's what I was used to. And with p-doc, I pay a receptionist, though after the session).

I think I'm just trying to figure out what caused him to shift on this and in much of how he's been interacting with me lately because I'm hoping it can stay that way. I think it mostly came down to his doing/saying something that made me feel disconnected/abandoned/like he didn't care, then my reacting to that and sort of looking for proof of caring, then his reacting to that by feeling controlled, which made me feel bad, and so I looked for more evidence of caring, which started the cycle again. He's said he thinks his being away for a week multiple times this summer contributed, too, and that the ruptures started when I'd emailed him the first time he was away asking if he was still alive, and he thought I was being funny, when I was being serious.

I'm rambling now, just trying to sort of think it through...Really it just kind of came down to a sort of misattunement, I guess. And then I reacted strongly and inadvertently pushed some of his buttons, then he pushed some of mine, and so on...

I'm sorry you're struggling today, Mobius. Though Happy Birthday!

I think last year i posted pics of the slow destruction of the tree by 3 cats People should make a cat proof christmas tree and over the last month i have put a lot thought into the design but i think its a doomed task anyway

I think that might be child abuse.

Thats great news! Enjoy your new home.

Today I went to a child's birthday party at an indoor adventure park and now I feel like I have returned from a parallel universe, with a headache.

So over the summer I read a book called something like The Year of Yes, about a woman who for a year says yes to every request for a date. And I thought, I’ll try that (excluding anyone who set off warning bells, of course).

Just got back from easily the most boring date ever. And he’s already texted, even though he can’t even be home yet, to say he had a great time and “I hope I didn’t bore you.”

“Thanks for the date. Take care”

"Don't be silly. I had a great nap, thanks."

I napped for most of the afternoon and felt like I woke up on a different day. I can tell I'm stressed as I was dreaming of yelling at my father for falling asleep with my daughter on the couch. Hope everyone is having an okay night.

Good news -- it looks like my ovarian cyst went away. Bad news -- I now have a uterine fibroid. I don't even know yet if that's what's causing the intermittent pain on my right side.

My H is being a ***** today and tonight. I've done everything for him: dishes, trash, laundry, floors, breaking down boxes, cooked dinner. And yet I forgot to ask him what he wants to drink for dinner and he gets in a hissy fit. He also asked me to get a medication for him while he was playing a computer game. And now he's giving me attitude because I don't want him getting pizza tonight when it could be for dinner tomorrow. I told him he's giving me attitude and being an *** to me. He said he wasn't. I was like "You can't say that you're treating me well." He said nothing.

My fb page was mysteriously disabled and when i try to log in i can down load a file with my information i did that and it says i am Wil Wilmot so i suppose they disabled it because it got hacked before this i sent in an edited id and still no answer. I set up a new fb profile only to find it is disabled as well. How do i get a fb page again. There is no way to communicate with these people directly. I need one to keep in contact with the drumming group and a few other groups that have meetups. Any suggestions?
I do have a fake one so my ex doesnt find me but i would rather not use it. But i might have to.

To anyone reading this who is in an emotionally/verbally/sexually/physically abusive relationship: it is highly unlikely he or she is going to change. It's not going to get better. It's likely to get worse. You may feel like things are okay/tolerable for long stretches of time, but the bad times are going to come back. It may take a really long time to get worse, but it probably will. "At least (s)he doesn't hit me." Until the day he or she does. And really, are the emotional wounds any less painful than a bruise? One day, you may wake up and realize that you can't get back all those years. They're gone. For good. I can't tell you how many bitter tears I've cried and will cry over those lost years. Don't be me.

I know the small handful of users that I'm thinking of as I write this probably aren't hearing me. You're in denial or you think you have no better option than to stay. At least listen to yourself and the stories you tell. Continue to tell them until you truly hear what you're saying. You don't deserve to live these stories you tell. No one does. Use my story as a cautionary tale. I was with my person from when I was 18. The controlling behavior was there all along, but I didn't see it. I'm now 48 years old and I'm looking at a life of utter loneliness. Don't be me. I get it. It's not easy to leave when your self-esteem is being constantly eroded and they are controlling you. Get in therapy. Stay in therapy. Discuss your relationship and the abuse and don't be afraid to label it abuse. Don't live in ignorance or denial. Call it what it is. Try to repair your shattered self before it's too late.

Was that somewhat directed at me?

I am in an emotionally, sometimes verbally, and even sometimes physically abusive relationship with my H. I may not label it as such here, but I am definitely not in denial and will call it what it is. I have even told my H that he's abusive, but of course he denies it.

I hear you and your story. I know I can easily wind up in a similar situation as you did. I do not want that. I do feel trapped. I haven't ever held down a full-time job. And even my disability reevaluation said that I was too disabled to work. And SSI isn't enough to get by.

In about 2 years time, we'll run out of money if H doesn't get a job. I have two options at that point: fight or die. I'm leaning towards the second because I do not see an out for me. I was homeless at 18. I refuse to go back there. If I will lose everything (by everything I specifically mean my dogs and my Ts and a roof over my head), I give up. ALL my supports know this (well, not my sister and mom). My PCP, Pdoc, T, L, my dad, and my H all know this. It's one of the reasons my Pdoc has been pushing me to go back to school, so I might be able to take care of myself come that time. But I'm not there yet. I'm just struggling with the idea that I'm actually going back to college.

I'm sorry if my post triggered you. I don't have very many places/people to talk to about it. My family doesn't want to hear it. My dad sees and hears it, but goes in his bedroom to avoid it. He says it's not his problem. I do have L (and T). They listen. But I only can have so much contact with them. I know that a lot of my posts are about it, but I try not to post it all the time.

The end of it is that yes my H is abusive. Yes I am choosing to stay with him because I am trapped (for now). But that doesn't mean I want it, like it, or am in denial.

I'm gloomy. I'm finished with my month-long away rotation where I was staying with some really lovely people who I'm going to miss, and now I have to go back to normal work. Yesterday I went on a second date with a guy I'd really liked at the first date, but the second one sucked. And today it''s all gross and rainy outside.

At least there's eggnog.

I'm tired today. I had cramps last night so I slept poorly. I'm going to Church this morning and then hoping to get some holiday shopping done this afternoon. I feel overwhelmed by it all. I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. I'm glad that I have Thanksgiving and Black Friday off of work. It will give me a break. Hugs all, Kit