Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Kit - what needs to change? Are you waiting for your parents to die? I was trapped like that. I was trapped like that. Im not as crazy as i thought i was. I can say that now that they are both gone. Its so hard to get perspective. Its easier with money. One thing i learned that i hated to learn, was that there were a lot of wrong assumptions being made on both sides. Thats why its so important to take responsibility for your own side / self.

Eta - like they were providing leadership in ways they thought i needed and wanted, but i did not, and they didnt really want to either, but they never said anything, they just acted strict and i stayed afraid.

I don't know unaluna. I don't make enough money to live by myself, and my parents help me a lot with the autism stuff, but they suck at the depression, psychosis, and self harm stuff. They arent really.....caring, even though I know they care. But I can be in the same room with them and feel so alone because they don't understand me. But I've been dealing with depression since I was 9 years old and I'm not better yet. My T keeps asking me what I want from my life. I'm thinking she wants something other than "survive" but I really don't know. So much of my energy goes into survival. Trigger for Christianity I wish I did have some answers. My T said tonight that we would find them. That they are inside of me. We just need to open the right window. Not really sure what she was talking about but okay....I will go for it. Hugs Kit

It is officially the 1 year anniversary of T told me to let myself have all the feelings I need to about today and let myself cry if I need to. I hate the coincidence that it falls on Thanksgiving this year. I hate that my son has the flu on Thanksgiving and is going to have to miss out. I'm going to stay home with him and put up the tree while H takes the other kids to his parents. Then we're going to switch off so I can go see my parents. It's already a very hard day and it's barely after midnight. I also think that

Middle-of-the-night musings:

It is so good to be out of the hospital and back home. My husband was able to sleep interrupted from about 9:30 - 3:30 AM. I just helped him to the restroom and moved him to his chair in the living room, had him take some more meds, and he is already back to sleep. We've done this post-surgery thing so many times over the years, and we have figured out how to work things.

Hospital workers serve their purpose immediately post-surgery, but it doesn't take long before it's time to cut out the middlemen and do it ourselves. With his neurological problems, the hospital staff, everyone from staff doctors on down, really don't know what to do and not to do, and they end up causing him more pain. Their intentions are good, but they tend to not believe I know more about his condition than they do (which is virtually nothing -- including the staff doctors). And they constantly want to touch his foot which is excruciatingly painful for him, despite my contastly telling them "DO NOT TOUCH HIS FOOT." Very crazy-making.

I'm fairly certain his excessive swelling was the result of that; it has started going down now that we are home and can elevate, etc. like we know we need to do. I get it; he's complicated. They have their normal routines for dealing with knee replacements, but Scott isn't a normal case so normal routines have to be altered -- they don't like that.

Fortunately, his surgeon (who we love) understands that and gave me permission to handle Scott how I knew he needed to be handled with the RSD; it just doesn't always get communicated well to the rest of the hospital staff and they think I'm being difficult (until they check with the doctor who tells them to listen to me. LOL!) That's why I never leave the hospital when he's inpatient; I really do have to watch everything they do.

So, note to the future doctors here on this board, if you have a patient with CRPS/RSD, listen to the patients and their family who live daily with this condition and really do probably know more about the day-to-day workings of the condition than you do, and DON'T, no matter how curious you are about circulation, etc., TOUCH THE AFFECTED LIMB. The pain is real, and the slightest touch causes extreme pain and your messing with it WILL result in more swelling which WILL just make matters worse. We know this because this is our normal. Trust us to know our condition better than you do.

His surgeon was great though. He asked us what would work and not work with the RSD ahead of time, and he respected our experience. He forbade the hospital staff to put circulation stockings on my husband (routine) and opted for an ace bandage instead. He didn't require the thrombosis cuffs constantly (torture devices for RSD), so long as we keep the fluids going, the aspirin, get him up and moving every hour, etc. He knows it is a balancing act and that we are really dealing with two conditions instead of just the knee replacement. The frustration is constantly having to re-convince staff at each shift change of all of the modifications for him, and occasionally they refuse to listen.

So, nice to be home. I'm thinking today will be better for him. Physical therapy will start coming to the house starting Saturday, about three times a week.

All the kids are going to be here today, and they are in charge of the food. I plan to just rest and take care of hubby while they do the cooking. We have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Surgery went well. Our daughter-in-law just got a new job yesterday, so their financial woes are about to improve. Our mtf transgender daughter doesn't know it yet, but her mtf girlfriend is about to propose to her today. Her girlfriend has been living with us for about a month now while they get their apartment, etc. lined up, and she is lovely. It is so heartwarming to see their love for each other, and we are so happy for them both. Our youngest son is thriving with this music studies and will be having his capstone voice recital in a few months.

Life, despite its many stresses, has a way coming turning around. The trick is having the patience to wait out the stresses.

Happy eat-all-the-things day, couchies!

I’m trying to be a good little depressed person and think of productive things to do this long weekend. There’s a book I want to read (Parker Palmer) and maybe I’ll go skiing and I’d like to get some work done on a couple of projects. I’m also going on a date on Friday evening. I just hope I don’t lose my motivation or energy.

ETA: I'm also going to try to finish the octopus cross-stitch before Monday!

Kit, I don't really think you're getting the care you need with your current therapy setup. In fact, it seems like things have gotten worse for you since you added Pastor T. So much of what you're going through is related to unresolved trauma, and it must be awful to be in the middle of all that. You mentioned that Regular T is changing practices or something at the end of the year, right? Will you be finding a new T then? I really hope you are able to hang in there and that your suicidal feelings pass.

Off to get a cup of coffee, just for something to do and a way to get me to take a walk.

I was supposed to be off today - then I offered to pick up 4 hours. A co-worker texted me last night asking me to pick up an additional 4 hours for her. I absolutely will because Holidays are usually slow and Holiday pay and benefits are awesome!

Ha! Man plans and god laughs? Ive been back on weight watchers for 2 and a half weeks, and finally TODAY the scale definitively moved down?! Musta been all that gas last night!

Thanks EM. Yeah, regular T is changing practices at the end of the year because the current practice she is at is closing. So she and some of the others are moving across the street from the hospital instead of down the street to the hospital. I figure that would be a time for me to check out other T's in the area because I figure it would take them a little bit to get up and running. I'm scared though. I had such a good T for such a long time before she got sick with MS. And I didn't get better then either. I mean I made progress, but I wasn't better. Still depressed, still SH etc. I've been on so many meds, tried so many homeopathic treatments, nothing seems to help. And it scares me when regular T says she's not sure she's helpful. The people I'm trusting to help me arent sure they are helping. That is so scary. I feel hopeless which makes it even harder to make a change. But that's probably when it's most necessary. Right now I just have to get through this crises and this weekend and then try to sort things out. Thanks for all the support here on the couch and PC. Hugs. Happy Thanksgiving Kit

Kit—why not spend as much time away from home as possible? Your mother was abusive and is still toxic from the sound of it, and I can’t help but think that living with her has something to do with the lack of progress. A constant reminder of the past and the difficulty of dealing with her in the present. I could have been in as much therapy and on as many meds as possible while still living with 2ex and it would have done no good, because he’d still have dominated my life.

I know you can’t afford to move out (roommate maybe?), but how about lots of solo weekend trips. Do something after work as much as possible instead of going straight home. Etc.

Thanks @@ I hear you. I will try my best. Hugs Kit

Could you get me one too please!?

Hugs, Kit, please stay safe.

I hope you're back home now.

What errands would be more important that your spouse being ill ?

Better out than in as shrek would say....

Progress at the end of the day is still progress.

I also agree with EM- you need much more support than current T can provide.

Can you message the friend you contacted before? I think If i knew a friend was struggling I would try to do my best even if I was doing my own thing.

Right now it probably seems like you made less progress than you actually did because depression can make everything seem useless and hopeless. I am holding onto hope for you that a new T could help you even more. I had a great therapist in college who helped me tremendously but certainly didn't "cure" my depression. But she got me comfortable enough with therapy that I was able to make much more progress with my next therapist ten years later. I think finding trauma specialists was key for me. They know how to dig into things, and they aren't intimidated when things get messy. (Not that all trauma therapists are amazing, etc but they should at least be more likely to know what they're getting into than a run-of-the-mill therapist.)

I'm sorry you're struggling.

Well done on doing what was best for your son and getting him checked out.

Please see someone as soon you can to look at the cut. I don't mean to scare you but sometimes they can get bad very quickly.

Happy Thanksgiving couch. Made soup today, so happy Soupgiving?

The little and I went to a friend's for lunch, I ate too much and need a nap. That darn Christmas tree is in the living room taunting me, but I've convinced my daughter to just give me a few minutes to feel human again, and then we can wrestle with it.

Hugs for all who need one today.

*flops onto Couch*

Today's session was good, but intense. Anger work is going to help me show up as me, I hope.

Thank you. I was there for 3 hours. They just gave me a antibiotic shot and antibiotic pills. The doctor said he couldn't see or feel the abscess. I can feel it! It so big and hurts a lot.

My H was charging his car and printing papers at FedEx because our printer died. He could have came after he finished, but instead he went home.

Kit, you said recently that you can't afford to live on your own. Would getting a roommate be something more manageable? As atat said, it would be good for you to get away from reminders of the past, but if you were living with one or more friends, you would have more support available to you. Just a thought. I know not everyone feels comfortable living with roommates.

Thanks Lemon. I feel so bad because we haven't gotten our flu shots yet and I thought it was a cold until a fever hit. He's been hanging out on the couch playing in his phone all morning.

I know better about the cut...or I should. I was septic last year for similar reasons.