Couch 213: The Tulip couch

The email seems fine to me. I mean, if he doesn’t want to make an exception, can’t he just say no instead of the controlling stuff?

Why not ask him if he’s defending his right to suffer/be an ahole? See how he likes it.

I'm bored and I don't feel particularly well emotionally. I talk to Regular T on Saturday. Pastor T says if I get worse in the interim to let him know. We talked via Zoom last night.

The human brain cant comprehend a list of more than 7 things.

I found this at least mildly amusing.

In The Air Tonight Drum Solo: Quarantine Version

Ugh, I'm really sorry about your T's reaction. You're trying to be considerate and give him advanced notice. And I think he should make some exceptions regarding the 48-hour rule considering your job and what's going on in the country right now. And you tried telling him what you needed in terms of reassurance--it seems he's giving you the opposite?

This is not defending him at all, but I have to wonder if there's countertransference going on here, if he's actually really worried about you and reacting by sort of pushing you away?

That reminds me! In my Dale Carnegie course, one time i showed how i came into the kitchen after my mom was in there, and i pantomimed how i closed all the drawers and cupboards she had left open by doing all these karate chops and kicks, which were COMPLETELY awkward!

Okay, this is one is pretty good. Family sings quarantine version of Les Mis.

https://twitter.com/i/events/1245070...libGVfcmVjc18y

Can you tell I'm having trouble focusing on work today? I think it's time to call it a day.

Re: countertransference, it's possible. He did say that he has been worried about me. And I started coughing at one point and he said, "I wonder if you have it" and then completely lost his train of thought.

Still, he is the professional here. He needs to be able to manage his own worries and fears without warping them into blaming me for being controlling. I feel very clear about this.

He also kept saying that he couldn't give me what I need if I am not sure what that is. I keep saying "I need reassurance and comfort." I don't want to have to spell it out for him what exactly that looks like b/c then it doesn't really mean as much. Also I'm not totally sure. Also I want it to be authentic.

But apparently that's just too damn bad.

I agree about email being good for this sort of scheduling. Dr. T doesn't even count texts or emails about scheduling as "emails" in terms of taking time from his schedule. Plus then he has it in writing. It doesn't make sense to take time from session to do that. Plus, as you said, he could have just said "Let's discuss scheduling issues in session."

I completely agree with the bolded part. If he's really concerned about you and having trouble handling that, he needs to seek consultation or supervision. And that's really annoying that you were explicitly telling him what you need and he said he can't help if you don't know what you need...

I don't want to scotch the countertransference argument, but...he could also just be being a jerk. I wouldn't rule it out. Just sayin'.

Countertransference gets used a lot on here to describe behaviors in our therapists we don't like for whatever reason, but we're trying to convince ourselves that things are OK in the relationship anyway. (And I don't think that's the clinical definition--countertransference is a reaction to the client's transference and transference-caused behavior.) Sometimes they are just being themselves. I mean, in real life when someone is a jerk to you, there is very little tendency to say "oh, they're really worried about me."

Also, although I do think anyone should know what reassurance and comfort means, some people just don't. Or their idea of it is radically different from others'. Or they're the type of person who finds reassurance and comfort vague.

Well, I had my daily cry during all of this chaos. Some moments I feel like I'm doing okay juggling it all, other moments I'm having an anxiety attack complete with chest pain and crying because it feels so overwhelming. I'm glad H isn't here for me to clean up after him or to undermine me and I feel safer going to bed at night. But it's hard being the only one to handle all the covid stuff and the kids. I don't even think CPS "recommendation" to not be residing in the same house is only going to last as long as the shelter in place is in effect...I think this will at least continue until we're done with the case.

@@ I think you have a point. Dude’s just being an ***.

I’m still just absolutely livid. I don’t know what to do.

Hugs, I've been having similar back and forth reactions. Mostly fine at one moment, then sobbing and/or panicking an hour later. My D is similar. These are really difficult times, and kids can really add to the challenge. It's good you don't have to deal with H right now. Will he have the kids at some point so you can get a break?

chihiro, I didn’t find the email to be controlling. I would think a therapist would be understanding of the situation you’re in. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this.

@@, I thought of you today, I think? The conversation of psychodrama came up and if I recall correctly isn’t that a specialty of Info’s?

He recommended that I write a D&D character with BPD as a way to explore my new diagnosis. It wouldn’t be too far out of the box for me. I have a character I’ve been holding onto who’s an addict.

Oh, yeah, it is—I actually almost forgot because she’s under instructions not to mention it to me.

Huh. So she is capable of listening.

What if you took a break? He isn't being useful to you and you have other stresses. Just take a break.

I think he is being authentic, though, right? He's been pretty clear that he is all head and no heart. Dude seems unable to connect on an emotional level that scratches that itch for you. He's committed to your therapy and he cares about you, yes, but he's not going to be that comforting parent figure that you crave. That's probably where the rage comes from because I'm sure he isn't the first person who has thwarted this need for you.

I'm a fan of putting therapists in time out when they need to be in time out. Maybe you can shop around in the meantime? Find somebody who is more touchy-feely and doesn't add to your stress when you're already overwhelmed?

New cat is in hiding. That’s probably because I added some more lyrics to her song.



Quarantine, quarantine, quarantine cat
Quarantine this and quarantine that
They say, they say it came from a bat
I say you’re my quarantine cat



Yeah, I’m getting a bit antsy at home. Thank goodness “Community” hits Netflix tomorrow.

ETA: This is really funny, especially the clarinet line:

We are doing chat sessions (we started doing 2 per month) with no video. It is uncomfortable for me to do video sessions, the sense of intimacy gets destroyed.

Almost at the end she asked me if I had any questions about the change of the frequency between sessions, because last time we discussed that if I needed to go back to 1 weekly.

I wrote: "Just to know that we understand each other, what we are doing to do? She said: "We are going to do...five times a week".

I froze for a couple of seconds. I thought: "She must be joking"

Then, she said: "Relax, we will continue on a 2 per month schedule"

I know that it was just a joke, but I couldn't help overanalyze it.

It feels like she thinks that I'm resisting...or that I'm too sick...maybe? Seems too far-fetched?

I dunno. I think that there is a reason behind everything we said on therapy, nothing is random.

Thank you so much, everyone, for helping me sort through this mess. T sent me my invoice last night (what fabulous timing, right?) and included this paragraph:

Finally, I did want to say a word of follow-up about our session today. I am seeing how much I am upsetting you right now, and how that is making your life harder in this difficult time. I do not want to be doing this, and I am sorry that this keeps happening. After our discussion today, I was left feeling like our best bet is to postpone our "in the relationship" work until you feel like you are on more solid footing emotionally, focusing instead on what you are going through in your everyday life. This seems completely reasonable, and I would support this. I cannot completely promise how this will unfold, but I will do my best. I hope that this ends up being helpful to you all this all moves forward.

It didn't help. He takes no responsibility for his part in this. I'm still livid. I like EM's idea of putting him in "time out," plus I don't want to see his stupid face even over Zoom so I cancelled my Friday appt. And I'm supposed to be working in the ICU all next week so those appts are cancelled too (unless my COVID test comes back positive in which case I'll be quarantined instead, but I'm taking that little potential disaster one day at a time).

C- I regularly read this board (but rarely post) and deeply appreciate all of the insights from posters. Might even say this board has helped me more in my therapy journey than my own T, but that's another story..

Anyway, after reading your T's email I was stopped in my tracks. It literally made my heart race (in terror). I had to come on and comment (but I apologize in advance if this is not helpful to you). In my opinion, that email to you is classic gaslighting. However, he is EXTREMELY subtle and savvy in his delivery--that's the tricky part, and (in my view) it exposes his deep, entrenched, and well cultivated skills at deflecting responsibility and scapegoating his "emotionally unstable" clients.

This article reminds us that it is probably very common among therapists...and that the good ones will recognize it quickly (or even before it happens) and do their own work in order to minimize re-traumatizing and/or straight up emotionally abusing their clients.

#034 - Gaslighting your clients: Just stop! — Karolina Walsh Psychotherapy

Those people are master gaslighters.

MY COVID TEST CAME BACK NEGATIVE!!!

I think that gaslighting is a good word for what's happening. He is making me feel crazy ("am I trying to control him?" "is this scheduling email I sent really that provocative?"). Thanks for naming that, and for sending along the article!