Couch 221: Definitely Spam!

Omg—2021 brings gluten free Oreos. And they’re Double Stuf: Oreo is finally releasing gluten-free cookies - CNN

Already 2021’s a better year than this one.

Then get fake certificates printed.

Never realized how thin the walls and floors are in my building. I can hear the person above me playing guitar. The daily building works from 7.30am 6 days a week also make this place special and to top it off they will be coming on the 25th between 9-10am to check the cooker and fridge as usual. I hate people in my space.



I skipped my last session with R, because I was ashamed of the stuff I told him last time.

Then I failed my exam on top which added to my shame.

I sent him an email saying I would pay for the session I missed, but that I didn't want to do therapy anymore. Not heard back yet.

I was reading my old journal dated last year November the 8th. It was the same thing a rupture over contact. Out of context he asked then "I never understood why you always made email such a big deal?

Generally I wouldn't send the third email if he'd replied to the first two and I know I have been impulsive with saying I'm cancelling but I still came anyway.. I need to know that he's still there.

He did previously reply but I feel like he has made the unilateral decision of no contact between sessions when he did give me that before and second sessions too.

I don't know If i'm making the right decision to stop going altogether, but I feel like he can't adapt to my needs. Or maybe it's my wants and his way would be better for me.

I'm sorry, Lemon. That all sounds so hard

Effing EFF. I finally got myself back on track yesterday but then that awful session knocked me right back off.

I have to give a talk tomorrow and I'm not prepared but I can't get myself to do any of the necessary prep work. Maybe I'll say I'm sick and have to reschedule.

I'm also behind about 2,000 words on my NaNo novel.

I have literally only 100 minutes of commitments today (a 10-minute phone call and a 90 minute class) so I should be able to do the prep work and the writing and get a run in besides but I feel so awful that I dunno if I'm going to do anything at all.

I haven't started studying for my new subject yet either so I get that it can be hard starting. Maybe try to break it down into blocks of just 25 mins each then take a 5 min break.

Not to discourage the writing, but there's no penalty if you're behind.

Ugh. You're totally justified in asking for the correct rubrics then. (And she needs me to edit her courses--I'd have caught that!) She shouldn't get pissed about your asking for that. Sounds like she's burned out or something. Having you read things aloud in class is also weird, like ATAT mentioned. Plus her actually saying she's tired. How much longer does this class last?

Happy birthday! Time definitely goes faster as you get older. Sorry you and H are fighting--hope the walk helps if you went on one.

Emailed Dr. T about potentially extending my reduced rate, as I seem unable to bring it up in session (it expires after next week). I said how I felt bad about asking, as it's not really fair to him, but at the same time, don't feel ready to reduce sessions. I said I could also offer an in-between rate, where maybe I'd just do two and a half sessions a week for a bit before working down to two.

He replied asking if we can discuss in session tomorrow, that he's not saying "no," but would like a back-and-forth about it. So really sort of dreading tomorrow's session, because I hate any sort of financial conversation (not just with T's, with anyone--talking to supervisors about a raise or initial pay at a job, talking to H about it, etc.). I mean, there's a reason my first car was a Saturn, back when they offered the whole "no-haggle pricing" thing.

In a way, I don't think it's fair for me to be asking for it. However, two things: Dr. T recently said that he feels I need more care (like, the amount that I'm getting), but then am in a battle between that and finances (like, I want an extra session, but can't really afford it). He seemed like he felt bad about that. Also, there hasn't been any sort of plan on how to work on reducing sessions, like tapering down. I've asked a couple times if he had any suggestions, mentioned a few possibilities, but he wasn't sure what would work. Yes, I know, it's on me to reduce, but I also feel like he should find a way to support me in that. Like it shouldn't only be up to me. When scheduling for next week, I initially said a half session for Wed., and he was like, "Why, do you have a schedule conflict?" I said it was more my working on reducing sessions. He suggested I schedule a full session for now then decide by next Monday if I only want a half. So...I don't know.

Please don't everyone jump on me about this. For reference, his normal fee is $175, and about half his clients pay a reduced fee. I'd been paying $150 for a long time due to changes in how my insurance reimbursed for out of network (they reimburse 60%, and used to reimburse 60% of his full fee, then I think 2 years ago, they randomly changed to only reimbursing the "allowed" therapist fee, so 60% of $132, which considerably increased what I was paying net for a session). I started going 2.5 times a week due to COVID stressors, then switched to 3 full sessions a week (paying the $150 for most of that) My car payment was starting this September (had to get car due to water damage to old one--it's complicated). I initially asked for $125, we bargained to $133/session. That was due to end Election day, I asked for brief extension to end of this month, he granted it. Just clarifying that I'm not paying him like $20 or something. But I also feel bad because I am employed. And he has a business to run (he did get a PPP loan, or whatever it's called, for small businesses due to pandemic).

Ugh, now I feel more guilty. I really thought COVID was only going to be an issue for a few months, and had figured, "Sure, I can manage 3x a week for a few months." But now it's stretched on and is getting even worse, with higher rates, so I see no end in the near future. I don't see my D going back to school this school year (virtual through January, then possible hybrid, but I have serious doubts that will happen). So I feel sort of stuck, with no end to the major stressor in sight. I have made significant cuts to much of my spending (what's the point of buying new shoes if I rarely leave the house?), also making more cuts to food spending. I suppose what I need to do, with H, is take a close look a the budget and see how long I could sustain this level of therapy, under various circumstances---if T keeps discount rate, if he raises it, to previous rate, something in between, etc.

Then there's the added stress where my insurance plan is only currently planning to keep covering telehealth at the same rate as in-person health visits through December. H (who works for a health insurance company, but not in an area that would make those decisions) is pretty sure they'll extend coverage for longer, with COVID rates rising. (This also worries me for seeing regular doctors, some of whom just offer telehealth right now...) But I also don't want to have to switch from 3 times a week to like, 1 time a week if they completely pull coverage after December.

So many things to stress about...plus the guilt of asking for a lower fee. Sorry for the ramble.

That's smart, Lemon--I'll make myself do like 30 minutes at a time so it feels less daunting.

yes, she does need you to edit her courses!

Our final research paper is due 12/11 and i think the last day of class is 12/14.

At least it is almost done! Hang in there Artie, you can do this!

Hi LT. I hope the fee discussion goes well. I felt bad recently when my T said she wasn't getting paid by ANY insurance companies (she must not be doing the paperwork right). Ever since the old practice closed and she had to sort of go it on her own. So she is only getting the copays. (For me, the copay is about half of what insurance pays when they pay the full rate.) I shouldn't be paying copays right now because I met my out of pocket maximum but I feel like I can't pay her zero so I just keep paying her copays. It's not fair to either of us. I hope she gets it sorted soon. Anyway all that to say, I hate financial discussions too. HUGS Kit

Our Christmas tree this year!

Dang, I don't know why the picture is sideways.

LT—is there any way you could “farm out” some of the support Dr. T gives you to save money and drop a session or a half session a week? Like maybe on issues with your daughter, a support group for parents of special-needs children?

Yesterday I was really mad about a work situation. It's what I call ugly mad because I get really childish and don't want to talk and stuff like that. Luckily I don't have to talk very much at my job. Great thing about being an accountant with HR on the side. Today I don't feel mad I just feel like yucky and disgusted about it. I think I'm being childish. I didn't "get my way" but I think there's more to it. T would be asking what's underneath that feeling? Probably hurt. UGH. I don't know why life has to be so hard all the time.

Thanks, Kit. I agree that your T should be getting payment from the insurance companies. It seems like it would be worth it for her to hire an accountant or something to look into it. Maybe you could just pay her part of the copays, if you've met your maximum? But I also understand your feeling bad for her and still wanting to pay something...maybe if she eventually gets paid by insurance she could refund your most recent copays?

Gorgeous!
It will be here before you know it.

That's a good idea--I'll check into some of that. The problem in terms of "farming out" was that before, I might have, say, gone to a yoga class. I can theoretically do that online now, but it's not the same at all.

We also haven't been doing any sessions with D's T, except for one where H and I met with her in the early days of the pandemic, because therapy online doesn't work for D. So saving some money there, I guess (also not paying for her aftercare at school).

I am in some Facebook groups for parents with kids on the spectrum (some local, some not), so maybe I should lean on them a bit more (bonus: no charge). I think there's a support group that also meets monthly, but it's now online--can't recall if I'm still a member of that organization but will check (and can always rejoin). Though I think I tried to get online for a support group once, and I was the only one there, so waited 10 minutes and left.

Lovely tree, Kit!

Thanks. My Mom actually added a bit more red since I took that picture, but it is basically the same. I call it the "Let it Snow" tree. Probably wishful thinking here in So. Cal. Although last year we did get snow on Thanksgiving AND Christmas! Yeah, it's 70 degrees here today though!

Yay! I don't have to have a biopsy yet! My doctor said just because she got a referral, that doesn't mean she's a mechanic...lol. So we're going to do an ultrasound first. I had a similar procedure done in the past, and I was crying in pain. So I'm very happy to not be doing it.

LT, I think it's fine to ask. Dr. T doesn't seem like the kind of person who will do something he doesn't actually want to do and then secretly resent you for asking in the first place. (I always assume people will do this because that is absolutely what my mom would do!) Either way, I hope you can work with him to come up with a plan about rates and session frequency and potential ways to transition to fewer sessions.

gosh i am still in high-stress mode after taking calls yesterday. i can't let the stress go. even drinking wine last night didn't help me release it. i feel like my shoulders are up around my ears still all day today. after i get off work today (on break now) i'm going to go for a long walk and then drum for awhile to see if that helps me unwind. i really need to start working on finding a better job that judges me on the actual meaningful work i do, instead of on stupid random "metrics" like hurry up and process 6.67 cases an hour or whatever.