Couch 225: 2+2=5, Sheeple!

I'm sorry you struggle with this self doubt thing too. It's weird that in my family, of my siblings, I'm the only one that struggles with this to such a degree. I mean we all grew up in the same environment, and I'm the oldest, but I am the only one that's still in therapy (well one sister never went but my other sister and brother both did). Maybe that's why. Because I'm the oldest and was in it the longest.

All's I know is, I wish I could just be fixed already. I'm damn tired of feeling broken.

I think so yeah. You were in it the longest. I'm the 3rd of 4 but was in it the abusive environment longest due to factors such as gender. Same environment can affect each sibling very differently for sure.

I'm the only one still in therapy too and I suppose I see it as healing myself because I can't force my siblings to want to heal. Some people need more time in therapy, especially when it's deep work.

I'm also a little miffed that such an awesome session yesterday has left me with such a big therapy hangover.

Thank you QM. I guess I need to just look at it this way - I'm 58 years old now, started therapy (for real, the first 2 attempts didn't count) when I was 49, so it has been deep work - patterns established in early abuse and then entrenched for that many years before starting the work to unravel them are going to take awhile to change, I suppose. I guess I'm just dang tired of being patient with it all.

There's a 24h clinic but my fever abruptly went away - the paracetamol must have kicked in. I don't have any other signs of infection but I'll go if the fever isn't controllable with paracetamol <3

Hugs. I get some of the frustration though I'm only in my early 30s. There's the "what could have been" for me, sometimes...like if I had gotten help as a teenager. But then again, at least in my part of the world, even if I had gone 15 years ago, what I would have needed simply wasn't available. Maybe it's like that where you are too?

I'm gonna go see what's on the boob tube. Maybe I'll fall back asleep to some old silly tv show.

Yay but I have to lose one point because I realize I repeated one twice.

David Cameron
Boris Johnson
Theresa May
Benjamin Disraeli
Winston Churchill
Margret Thatcher
Neville Chamberlain
Tony Blair

Is all I've got for UK prime ministers.

I think you've deposited more in others than yourself. We just need to find ways to fill your soul again artie bean and you will heal. You also need to see how far you've come. Like the plot line from Dark you had to go through everything else to get to where you are now. After covid you have to restart doing the small things that mean a lot to you = the drumming meet up with your friends + Hawaii.

Also it might sound very woo, but I've been going to bed with a hypnotherapy tape playing " The easy way to improve self belief by Benjamin Bonetti" . Baby steps like anything else.

Yeah, but she has two Bidens. -1, it evens out.

British PMs...I should work on that. Add to Lemon’s list, in no particular order:

Gladstone
Pitt
Melbourne
Eden
Baldwin
Lloyd George
Palmerston
Wilson
Macmillan
Hughes
Major

Disraeli...I have a crush on him.

Art, where are you on exercising? It definitely helps me sleep.

Maybe he'll get a double term!

I outright tell my T that if I get a migraine after sessions (awful therapy hangover) it's all her fault. She has laughed and said she accepts that.

Hugs. You're not broken, even if you can't believe me.

All the lists remind me of Harlan Pepper naming nuts

Glad your fever went away! I think it would mostly be a concern if it can't be controlled by fever-reducing meds.

So I sent an email to Dr. T last night saying how while I do understand that he cares about me, due to his actions, it would be helpful if he could say it in word sometimes, however he felt comfortable phrasing it (like with disclaimers/caveats, etc.). I was fully expecting either some reassertion of his boundaries (which I acknowledged in the email) or a reply of "Let's discuss this Monday."

Instead, he just sent a really nice and, well, caring response that made me cry in a good way. Things like caring "a great deal" about my well-being, being "strongly invested" in supporting me, having compassion for my struggles, how I'm a good person, etc. Even included (cover your eyes, SD) a winking emoji at the end. (That part was because I'd said how it would be nice to hear words about caring at least every 50-100 therapy hours--in other words, that I wasn't asking for it all the time--so he said he hoped this would hold me for 50-100 sessions, winking emoji.) He still has his bad/stupid/clueless moments, but I feel like the pandemic has really changed him as a T (or maybe it was partly my influence, I don't know).

I think this is a good way to look at it. That it takes a long time to unlearn unhealthy patterns. I get frustrated with myself some, too, such as, "Why do I still need reassurance about this?"


Also keep in mind that you took some breaks with your T, so it hasn't even been 9 full years of therapy.

You're right, I hadn't thought about the breaks, I just did a quick attempt at adding them all together and it's about a year's worth. But, 8 years still seems like a really long time.


If I'm honest with myself I think it's the open-endedness of it all, the not knowing how long it's gonna take. I know there's no magic answer there. But it's that "wanting a hallmark movie" thing I suppose. I guess until I'm ready to just buck up and say "this is reality, this is what life is" and accept it, get back to doing the best I can with it like I did before therapy but with much better self-knowledge and a whole lot more tools in my emotional well-being belt, until I get to that acceptance, I'm gonna need the support of therapy.

I'm so glad he sent you a thoughtful response that made you feel cared about.

Thanks, Artie!

I just dehydrated a batch of granny smith apples and some gala apples. The granny smith are delightfully tart. The dogs prefer the galas

Silly question, maybe...but would that result in a kind of apple crisp/chip? I get that to 'dehydrate' something is essentially to dry it out, but I'm curious about what that does to the texture.

They get a little crispy. I like my fruit dry but chewy. For long term storage they should be crispy dry. Things with sugar often stay pliable to some extent.
Mine are just dehydrated not fried or freeze dried -both of those will make things crispy dry.

If it helps, I'm 6 years in. Like 130 sessions and my T says we definitely have plenty of work left to do.

I don't ever want to terminate with my T, even if we drop to like...twice a year sessions some day. But yeah I don't dare to ask haha.

You'll be ready when you are, and it's also OK if someone never wants to stop.