Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

*Beth* · Jun 28, 2021, 10:24 AM

I hope I feel more successful in therapy when we start meeting in person next week (finally!).

Jun 28, 2021, 02:02 PM

The therapists I have had contact with so far have been a whole lot more civil than you. I wonder if you realise that being a $hithead is not an integral part of your job.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 28, 2021, 02:15 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for explaining all that to me today. It means a lot that you believe in me. I mean, I know I should just trust that you do, like I said. But sometimes I need to hear it, to be reminded of it. And I appreciate your being more gentle with me. (Though, I've gotta say, I'd be curious to hear what your being really tough on someone sounds like.)
Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · 06:47 PM

Hey you. Wowza that dream (nightmare) I had this morning that woke me at 5am. I have felt the absolute urgency of it all day. It's really affected me and I've been tending the dream on and off while I'm working and waiting for a program to open or while waiting for more work to be assigned to me, also during my lunch break I drew it. *shivers* to look at it now. I've done some good work with it but am looking forward to hearing your thoughts about it on Friday.

eta: of course it's my claustrophobia that gives me shivers when i look at what i drew.

Waterbear · Jun 28, 2021, 05:06 PM

Dear Old T,

Thank you for suggesting I just ask the question. I did, and it was ok. Thank you for being there when I needed it. Thank you for being you.

Dear T,

I'm glad you are coming back. See you in a couple of weeks,

Me x

Lemoncake · Jun 29, 2021, 12:15 AM

So my mother asked me to call someone I didn't even know for prayers- last night which I did and I'm sat crying about this 12 mins convo right now.

Possible trigger:

"Okay now what's the problem with you? You sound very down depressed, oh I hate people like this. I don't mean to take it out ,oh sorry I'm just like this.

I do have issues with depression.

It's okay it's normal.Everyone is depressed.

To the point where I get suicidally depressed, but I live alone.

Well you shouldn't be alone then.

I don't have anyone else though.

Why have you not got anyone else. Are people dead? In the world are you the last girl on the earth? Is X the place I live like this?

Do you look at the mirror too much?

What's your name?

Honestly he was right about the depression, but I found him to be very rude. Why are you so depressed?

Why are you depressed what's wrong with you? You don't look like the type to break hearts. You're just lost.

Yea I am.

Why?

I don't know.

Come on talk to me.

I like listening,

I've got a lot of trauma, i'm tired.I'm exhausted from studying.

What. What is the trauma? What's happened? Has someone ran away with your cat?

No.

Then.

I should just forget it.

No I don't want to forget it. I want to know.

I think it's just growing up, I was bullied at school, hit when I was a child. My family home life isn't very happy. Someone I was close to died during Covid.

And the other thing there's no other abuse.

No, not right now.

No before.

It was before.

You can talk to me it's confidential. No one can hear except you and me. Talking about it is a result

I just feel really really tired all the time.

Again I'll come to that question. have you been abused while you were a child. Yes or no?

I'd say yes.

By who?

I'd say my parents, a cousin when I was younger.

What do you mean parents? They must have hit you is that it?

Yes and general swearing.

Come to the cousin. What abuse is that?

I feel like it was sexual abuse.

By who?

A female cousin.

A female cousin. So how is that abuse? It's nothing.

Okay. Isn't it. Happens with males. I'm sorry to say. How old are you? You're becoming a doctor aren't you? I'm sorry to use these words but think of me as a consultant or as a doctor. You only lose your virginity if you sleep with a man. Isn't it?

Okay but what about being touched as a child?

Touched. You stand in a bus you get touched isn't that right and he began to laugh. If i stand in a bus people will touch me. It means it's not abuse. To be touched in the wrong way. You haven't been raped or something. Isn't it?

Yeah, no.

Yea so that's one thing good. She used you or touched you/ whatever she did. The main thing is that it was a female. So still you're pure. Do you understand?

Yea.

You can put it down that way. I don't know how you think about things. Nothing can be done about it but what needs to be done is important. I don't think you need therapy.

start reading X.

Are you crying?

Any reason why?

I don't even know you but I know you're a lovely person from your display pic? That lego?

Yea

You'll be okay. Don't worry.

How old are you?

29.

"That's a good age. I have an 18 year old who says I'm the best dad. A 30 year old who says dad you're amazing".

LonesomeTonight · Jun 29, 2021, 07:21 AM

Ugh, Lemon, I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly invalidating.

Mountaindewed · Jun 29, 2021, 03:07 PM

I thought about old old T for a bit today. But it wasn’t bad. I keep looking at new T’s online profile though. I hope she works out. I’m not expecting a miracle worker like I did with the last one that everyone else thought would be perfect for me too. I’m much more wary now. But I still need to see someone.

daisydid · Jun 29, 2021, 04:05 PM

I don’t know why I don’t trust you. I was inches away from completely losing it today, but I just couldn’t. Or maybe it’s that I don’t trust myself to be able to handle this. I don’t know what to do with all of this. I’m sad and angry at the same time. This hurts so much…

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 29, 2021, 04:39 PM

omg lemoncake. i'm so sorry. that sounds terribly invalidating and just generally pretty awful.

velcro003 · Jun 29, 2021, 05:23 PM

i really hope your H is okay. it just bad timing with you being out next week, too. oh well, guess i gotta buckle up my big girl boots 😢

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 29, 2021, 07:58 PM

I'm thinking a lot this evening about how surprised you seemed last time when I told you that I'm about to turn 59. I was 49 when I started seeing you. Almost 10 years we've been doing this. 10 years. That just blows my mind, you know? And our relationship is changing again, I feel it. What does it all mean?

You know I will always love you.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 30, 2021, 02:05 AM

There's a big meeting today at work. I'm not required to attend, but I am still heavily impacted by whatever decision is taken.

I find it weird that they've decided to keep most meetings on Zoom, and yet this one really matters, and they've decided to do it in person.

That said, I doubt I could keep my composure, so maybe it is a blessing that I won't be needed.

Mountaindewed · Jun 30, 2021, 06:08 AM

I asked a T one time what her favorite song was and she said “I’m not going to tell you because then you’d listen to it nonstop.” It was a *****y comment but I give her credit for seeing through my bull ****.

New T I honestly don’t know what to expect from you. If I’m just going by your profile you look nice. But if you can help me, I’m not sure about that.

Waterbear · Jun 30, 2021, 06:11 AM

Dear T, I bought a picture book which I think I would like you to read me when we meet again. Just to sit and listen to your voice. I have managed to calm myself as much as I possibly can, but because this involved you, I think I need your help to calm the rest, if that makes sense. I'm looking forward to seeing you, it can't come soon enough for me.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 30, 2021, 01:16 PM

Dear T,
It felt nice that you seemed concerned about my health. And maybe a bit worried, even. And good to know that I can talk about whatever with you without fear of grossing you out.

Though, do you "do no. 2" with the door open at home with your wife there? Because...that seems like a little *too* comfortable! And also gave me a mental image that I would like to delete...

Love,
LT

ETA: OK, that one thing you said to me about what the doctor may have thought, where I "probably looked like x" feels a little weird, but I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 01, 2021, 06:26 AM

Thank you for not using the word 'brave'.

You know I have a hard time with it. You felt I was being 'courageous' today, but I was aware of just how hard I am trying to hold it together.

I'm dreading asking you my other big question next week, but I have to ask.

Your use of 'used to' is still troubling to me.

Waterbear · Jul 01, 2021, 07:43 AM

I love you and I can't wait to see you.

I think I realised one of a few reasons this hit me so hard... Because of what I had planned to show you our next session. Because of what I had wanted to show you when we last met.

I have had to carry that alone. No wonder this has f***ed with my head.

RoxanneToto · Jul 01, 2021, 10:13 AM

I hope we can meet tomorrow, but I’ll be ok with the outcome either way. What I’d like to do isn’t necessarily the right thing to do, and I’d prefer to do the thing I’ll regret least. I know these are ‘exceptional’ circumstances but I’m still grateful you said it would be ok to cancel at short notice if I had to, because I honestly hate doing things like that.
Mum mentioned something about possibly seeing a grief counsellor when I got home, which I think would be really good for her, even if they didn’t go into depth about the other stuff (though for me, it seems kind of an inevitability). I have mixed feelings, nothing strong but I’m not quite as ‘ok’ as I thought I might be. It does help knowing I’ll see you soon either way. The stuff I want to say can’t be said to family, not that I want to, but I need to say it to someone.

Mountaindewed · Jul 01, 2021, 12:45 PM

I was reading this thing online about how you can move forward but moving on is difficult and it’s often the connection and familiarity you miss with someone. But you don’t necessarily miss the person themselves. I know with my old T it would be bad to go back to her and I don’t miss her as much as I miss that trust I had with her and how I was able to tell her things that no one else knew and she understood and accepted them. But I don’t think it’s her herself that I miss. I just hope the next T is decent.

I’m honestly wondering if I miss the transference more then anything else about her. And how much I wanted her to care and be worried about me and how much the telesessions screwed me over. I mean maybe I really do just miss the transference.

My last T, the one I met with who was weird, was always asking how I was feeling and she’d stop the session to ask if I was ok. But it just wasn’t the same as it was when my old T would do those things.

velcro003 · Jul 01, 2021, 01:01 PM

Hi T. I haven’t heard from you and i can only think of the worst. I hope i am not right.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 01, 2021, 04:24 PM

'I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose,
Something somebody stole...'

After our conversation today, my favourite

takes on new meaning.
You're right, of course. I have experienced a lot of loss.

If we both know it's true, why does it still smart to hear that reflected back?

I wish I could look at you more during these conversations - I think that would make it easier somehow...but it might make it harder.

You are still far away. (Just for now, I hope.)

velcro003 · Jul 01, 2021, 09:20 PM

Ugh, I am so worried about you/your H. I keep telling myself that just because I haven't heard from you doesn't necessarily mean The Worst, but as each hour and day that passes, I assume The Worst.

*Beth* · Jul 02, 2021, 10:15 AM

FINALLY we will be meeting face-to-face next week! 14 months of teletherapy, and I am entirely burned out on it. I feel like dancing in the street! And it was sweet, how you promised we'll get to hug

Mountaindewed · Jul 02, 2021, 11:29 AM

I meet with my new T on Monday. I’m really nervous. Luckily she is at a different office then the last T so I won’t have to awkwardly run into her. If my new T can just help me get over that one therapist I talk about nonstop then that would be more then enough to help me deal with these emotions.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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