Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Sobbing my heart out. Please don't leave it like this. Please don't end all of this, like that. Please.

I’m so nervous for tonight, T. Talking about money is one of my least favorite topics.

Dear T,
Major internal battle on whether to reach out to you right now or not... I know you won't read/reply till the morning (well, maybe you'd read before, but wouldn't reply till morning). Maybe I should just let myself contact you? I mean, I'm sort of a mess...
Love,

LT

ETA: I caved. Be kind, and please don't be annoyed or like, "Well, you're seeing R tomorrow, just talk to her about it," as I haven't seen her in 2 years and don't have the same trust built up.

Maybe I should start with Dear Ex T.

What about all my stuff, T? What about all my stuff? I took my blanket today, but I have other things with you. My box. My book. My canvas. All my years worth of writings. What about my stuff. What about me?

Hey T. A little weird that you didn’t remember my freak out phone call to you last week about getting scammed, but I most certainly didn’t want to talk about it, so that is fine with me.

I left feeling your office tonight like absolute shite. I felt so hideous, disgusting, fat and just plain awful. I think it is because i felt so exposed during session tonight. Ugh. I will refrain from emailing you though.

See you next week.

You know those amazing changes I keep talking about. Kept talking about? I can't feel them. I can't feel any of them. It's like the last five years have been for nothing and I am that scared, isolated, worried, unloved, alone, cut off, shut down person that I was back then.

You taught me to have a voice, now please don't be surprised if I use it.

You are an idiot. Stop rescuing me and start doing your job. Also stop going on holiday, I hate it!!

I hadn't dreamed about you in quite awhile until this morning. And I don't know at all what to make of it, yet. But since as we both believe, people in our dreams usually represent some aspect of ourselves, I won't freak out or anything, I'll just work it. First one I've remembered since last week, it just figures it was this.

I've never asked you this and probably never will, but do you ever dream about your clients, or your work with us? By that of course I mean me.

Dear T,
Thank you for that email. It really meant a lot. I was expecting some tossed off sentence with your being away, but you clearly put thought into it. And I could feel the caring from you, which is what I needed. Wish I was talking to you instead of R today. But your email helped me feel the connection I had struggled to hold onto since Friday's session.

Love you,
LT

Dear Old T.

I heard the hesitation in your voice when I asked you about seeing me if Current T (new Old T) couldn't come back to work. I heard it, but I dismissed it, because I couldn't go there. Like you, I had hoped I wouldn't need it.

But then I did, and then I hear you don't have the capacity. But. But. I am grateful for that, in a strange way. I am grateful that you aren't foolish. I am grateful that you see the depth of what I need. I am grateful that you aren't just going to randomly bit off more than you can chew, so thank you, for that at least.

And thank you for offering to help find someone to help me. I can't do that search again. It's too hard. I'm really not sure I would bother, personally. So I appreciate your asking me if you can help me. Even if it doesn't work out, like last time (what a disaster that was!) I know that you care. I do know that you care.

Thank you for boiling this down for me. Time, patience and compassion.


Time will take care of itself.
Patience is one of the qualities I have that I like.
Compassion...well, we're working on that.

I felt really connected to you during the third eye exercise - I'd like more of that, please. That might just tide me over until September.

I know I told you that you didn't need to reply to my emails right away, that I am ok with having said what I said, that I want you to take some time to consider it all, but I had secretly hoped that you might reply tonight. I do hope that you will reply at some point. I am ok with this sitting there, kind of. I do think that it needs time to be mulled over. I do think it needs the space that you are trying to find. But it still feels uncomfortable. I know you will know that. I'm hopeful that as we always said, somehow we will find a way. I'm just not sure what that way is anymore.

I’m not too worried that you haven’t replied to my email. I don’t think it even warranted a reply actually. You are super relaxed about outside contact but I’m still iffy about getting involved in that stuff again after what happened before.

Dear ex T,

I blocked you on whatsapp and skype a while ago.

I'm hurting and in a lot of pain right now.

Hi R,

It seems I am applying for an additional job. It's a strange situation, because it's a role that I would relish, but online. Only part time, though, so nothing much else would change.

*kicks the box where the Critic is snarling*

Take care,

Lost

It feels like the boat we were in got capsized. I know I can swim, but I much preferred the boat.

Hi E, I am excited to start working with you in a few weeks. I really hope art therapy gets my creative juices flowing.

Dear whoever you are right now...

Trust is a sliding scale, it isn't fixed, we said that before. Sadly, I don't think five months would be enough now anyway, to repair the trust and do the work.

Yooooohooo!!!! Reaalllllly looking forward to tomorrow. Much to talk about!

Thanks for replying back to my email even if it was a stressful reply. But also thanks (I’m being sarcastic) for misspelling my name. I do not understand why people spell and mispronounce my name wrong all the time. There are many famous people with this name who spell it the same way.

You remind me of my old T a bit but I’m wondering if it’s just an age thing and all of you who are around the same age act the same. Like maybe you were in school at the same time and learned some therapy stuff that older therapists didn’t. Just a theory.

If she's anything like Madame T, she'll want you to read it out, so as to engage your emotions.

Then the Terminator teleports in from the future.