Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,

Thank you. I feel quite emotional in a teary way right now. I think that's the tiredness and the sadness and the fighting's way of saying 'ok, let's do this'. I understand why you didn't lay the room out like that before, but I am so very glad you felt able to for me, because finally it feels like there might be room, and that feels good. So good. Thank you.

I wonder if you realise there is a HUGE difference for me between knowing something and understanding it. I know all of what we talked about, but I am not sure I will ever actually understand it, the nuances of it, how is actually supposed to work. The therapeutic relationship really is the strangest relationship I can think of, and for someone who has only recently started to develop normal relationships, personally I think this one is beyond me. It is what is though, for each different pair of people that work together, and I guess we just have to hope that whatever it is and whatever it becomes for us, it can help to facilitate 'the work'.

Ha, well the joke is on you because I won't let you forget me! I am cancelling and then messaging you to accuse you of forgetting me! Checkmate! And telling you that today is my birthday was a master stroke on my behalf. I am forcing a "happy birthday" out of your cold, dead heart! I am a wily fox indeed. I am a wily fox and you are a vole-faced wretch so watch out!

Belated happy birthday, LT

Current happy birthday, comrademoomoo

Hurts really bad today. I don't know why. It's all meaningless. I feel unable to work today but I have no choice. Immediately started crying when I woke up and haven't been able to stop.

I know there's nothing you can do. And I appreciate your response... unfortunately nothing is helping right now.

I don't understand why this is happening and I'm scared.

Your comment of "counsellors can't care in the same way as close friends or family do" doesn't make any sense to me. I don't feel as if any of my family care about me and I certainly don't open up to them about anything remotely personal. I have only started to open up to friends a small amount in the last year of my life, really, and I'm not sure I would say I feel they care about me. I'm not sure I get what it even looks/feels like. Maybe that's worth a discussion? Maybe it's there but I just can't see it. I think my OH cares about me, but yet still I shut down around him when things get tough. We are actively working on changing that, and he is very good. Like last night he even paused the TV to try and help me to talk to him. But like with all things, it takes time.

So yeah, your comment about "you" not being able to care in the same way as friends and family doesn't make sense to me. J and then K were the first two people I ever thought genuinely did care, and I needed that at the time. I believe that everyone needs to feel cared about by someone, at some point in their lives, in order for them to be the whole at person they can be. And for me, that needed to be someone like a counsellor, because it sure as hell wasn't going to be my family or my husband, and without counselling I never would have had any friends.

I think we need to talk some more about this at some point...

Dear Potential New T who isn't anymore...

Maybe one day I will come back and see you. One day when both of us are in a different place. When you have more experience than your 6 months in private practice and if I ever feel the need for the type of therapy that I think you can provide.

You know, as much as I hate giving trainings, having to give one today was probably for the best since it forced me to stop crying hysterically. Not going to say I did a very good job but I got myself together somewhat.

I really feel like I must have forgotten to take my medication at the very least yesterday and probably the day before based on the severity and the that 9/10 times I cry it's because I missed a dose of Cymbalta.

Plus I feel gross and not just because I need a shower. And that also happens when I've missed a dose.

I need to believe that's what's going on.

ETA: I have a strong conviction that you ought to drop everything and help me. Tell your other clients there's an emergency and you can't see them today. Ok?

Are you waiting for me to send the email saying we're switching to remote or are you going to send it? I know I won't be able to make it out of my driveway no matter what so at this point I'm pretty much just procrastinating emailing you to be honest.

Geez, the Aquarians are coming out of the woodwork! You know we are the least represented sign of the zodiac. I might have to do a poll here.

I think we need to change strategies. You need to care about me more. But only show it in ways I like. That nagging worrying thing you do isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about checking in on me whenever I want you to. Without me telling you. And other stuff I'm not aware I want yet.

I feel like acting out so you know how upset I am. I tried telling you but I'm not sure you heard me.

I sent that email 2 hours ago and its getting kinda late and my session is at 9AM. I've been up since midnight so I am starting to fade a bit. I am going to email you if you are a no show and explain it is my birthday on Friday and probably what happened last year but reassure you things are diffrent this year. All I want is for you to wish me happy birthday. We don't need to get into the age thing or anything. Just a pleasant happy birthday is all I want even if you can't do the session for some reason. But a reply to the email I sent 2 hours ago would be proffesional although not necessary for me.

Ok thanks for replying 5 minutes ago and saying you'll send the zoom thing.

When I did zoom sessions for over a year from March 2020 until May 2021 I swore I would never do another one. Now sometimes they are legit convenient. I wont have to take a shower or or put shoes on.

You know, sometimes I'm a real asshole. You'd say I can help it, but I'm not so sure.

Wish I was seeing you tomorrow. And wish you could read my mind- or some bits of it anyway.

I’m hoping you’re ok for the Tuesday meeting I arranged with D - I didn’t see your responses to her. I assumed I would have, since she said she copied you in. Ah well, maybe that’s just another thing I didn’t know about how emails worked. To be fair, I did feel totally out of it at work today. Was kind of praying for an alien abduction and it was a choice of a certain other person and myself to get beamed up. I know I’m on the verge of buying my first home and other stuff, but sometimes I really want to get off this planet.

Perhaps I am still a little bit in shock that I actually went through with it.

E: So sorry for the email. It is long and I just wrote you 3 days ago. I just am so stressed and don’t know what to do. Please don’t hate me.

I did heavily indicate I wanted you to, but thanks for saying happy birthday at the end of the session. Also thanks for discussing it earlier and what I had planned. Today was productive.

Thank you. See you in the morning.

I feel like I might throw up. Kept denying this to myself but finally admitted it. Took some Zofran. I don't know why I seem to always want to deny the nausea when I have an effective medication to make it go away. Maybe it's just a habit. But then, the Zofran isn't exactly a new prescription.

I was worried about taking the wellbutrin when I already felt nauseous but the Zofran should kick in before that starts making me feel sick.

I'm cold. And hot. Probably just the lower dose of Adderall. It's not like I've been anywhere to catch something.

Need to walk the dogs before our appointment at 6.

Thank you so much E, for writing back and being awesome. See you Sunday (hopefully, with the way things are going).

T- Talk to you tonight!

Y'know it actually kinda helped a little more talking with H last night about missing you. He doesn't understand it but at the same time, just saying it out loud and him listening, was somewhat helpful. Between typing about it here, now talking to him, and other writing I've been doing about it I'm gonna get through this!

Glad Tuesday is confirmed, hopefully I will have heard from sis by then, but I feel it’s unlikely. Will be nice to speak to D again, in any case.

No wonder you are exasperated with me. As I find others increasingly intolerable so I become more and more intolerable. Why did I cancel two weeks in a row and then throw my toys out of the pram because I feel disconnected from you? Because I am fool with the heart of a toddler, that's why. I am not surprised that you are ignoring me, but my surprise won't stop me from digging in for a rupture. I wish I had grown into an adult at some point throughout my 46 years.

I wish you were on my side..

What would it take, 'dear' T?