Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Geez whatever happened to "Peter and Elena have a cold"? That is just freaking sick.

Hey E-I can’t believe I wrote that email. Now I am going to be on pins and needles waiting to hear back. At least I will know that you survived the snowy drive home yesterday.

T,
I'm so nervous for Tuesday! I haven't been in-person with you for what almost 3 years?!?! Maybe 2? Still, a long time. I hope you can help me and L. I don't know how or what, but maybe just talking it out will help?

L,
I need you back here! I need you to take my feelings seriously. My fears are valid. Friday can't come soon enough.

Awww, E! You’ve never written back so late at night before. And as always, it was a great response. I still hate myself for doing these childish things, even if part of it is in a dream, but you reassured me that it isn’t shameful or embarrassing. I am so so glad that you are making time to see me next sunday.

Why do you have other clients? And why are they all better than me? More to the point, who are these other lost souls who are so lost that they tolerate your incompetence and suspect personality?

You do know, don't you, that even as little as "You got this, Art. L" written on a ****ing napkin would have made me happy. But no. I need to let this go but I can't seem to.

I don't know how I feel about you today. My mind is on what was going on 2 years ago. With the transtion getting closer and covid just beginging but the office still having no plans of going remote so I was still seeing my transfernce T in person. Its just a lot right now for me to think about. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Do I miss my transference T? Do I feel like things are going good between us? Or am I just very concerned about my physical health right now so I'm projecting that onto my feelings about therapy? I don't know.

Hmph. I find myself wanting to make you worry about me. Which is odd since I find your nagging so irksome. But you actually have two different attitudes when you're worried. The first one is the one that reminds me of my parent and is so irritating - the doom and gloom, nagging, overreacting part of you. You do this when you're worried about what I'm not doing.

When I'm doing something you are worried about, you act differently. Still disapproving but somehow different.

Maybe it's not so much wanting to make you worry about me as just doing something you don't like. Proving that there's nothing you can do about it and I haven't been brainwashed into just going along with whatever you say.

Maybe this is one final "therapy lesson". That life isn't what I think it's supposed to be; that it's what it is.

I don't want to start over with another therapist. I'm glad you don't allow outside contact beyond scheduling stuff because I do feel like that has really screwed me over before. I honestly don't even think my current issues have much to do with you or therapy at all. I do hope you acknowledge my birthday when I see you on Wednesday. That is important. but I have not been wondering at all these past few days if you are concerned or are thinking about me outside of our sessions. You are not my transfrence T and you never will be and thats actually a good thing.

I had my normal meds today thats why I can think clearly now.

Gosh. I didn't expect you to respond that way. I didn't know that's what I needed until you did it. Really couldn't have been any better. 10/10 gold star for you.

I don't feel ready to start my day. I want to be unconscious.

Also Wednesday at 6pm feels such a long way off. I wish I could see you in person. Lots of times the video quality is really bad and your face is just a blob.

Dr. S, I'm doing bad but I feel undecided about telling you how bad.

Great session today. I don’t know if it showed, but I felt kind of emotional, especially when going through the tarot reading. I felt on a high when I left, and daydreamed about what the near future might bring.
What you said about being a mother figure to me and not abandoning your or other people’s children really meant a lot to me. The dream I told you about took on a different significance today.

Dear T,
Will you remember what today is without my mentioning it? If not, it's OK. But it will feel nice if you do.
Love,
LT

Having a hard time feeling hopeful about my life at the moment. Desperate to feel better but doesn't seem like there's anything that can help.

It's been 2.5 hours and I still haven't turned on my laptop to start work.

I feel like I need something really radical to shake me out of this. I'm so very tired of fighting... but there's no option but to continue to endure this misery.

I wish I could find comfort, even a tiny bit, in something.

You have instantly forgotten me. Vole-faced wretch.

Ok, have put in almost all my hours. Just have to come up with some bs to say I was doing on Friday instead of being a basket case. I don't like doing this but I think it's ridiculous that I'm expected to come up with a couple dozen hours of stuff to do when there's nothing I can do on my projects. It's exasperating, especially when they won't fund actual courses. And it's not like I'm hourly ffs. I'm salaried why must we play these idiotic games??

Also Dr. S, I am feeling really bad and I don't think I'll be able to clean the counters before our appointment. I wish I could say I would take out the trash but that's unlikely tbh.

I can't believe I went to the trouble of looking at your FB and there's only one new picture. I don't know the last time I looked so that means you've been slack. Also you didn't tell me you were going to Telluride at Christmas. That's lying by omission.

Now I'm going to go look at your Instagram so hopefully that's not a huge disappointment as well.

ETA - Well, Instagram was better. I find I'm starting to wish I also lived by a graveyard.

ETA 2: Although it wouldn't seem right to let my dog relieve himself on somebody's grave, let alone against a headstone. I will need to ask you if your dog does that so that I can judge you if he does.

ETA 3: I just realized I haven't seen you in person in more than a year. What an odd thought. I would take a little mini trip down to see you but I think it would make me sad.

Dear T,
I'm glad you remembered my birthday--I thought you hadn't when you didn't say something at the start of session. Thanks for saying an actual "Happy Birthday" at the end--I thought you were just going to acknowledge the day without any sort of wishes.

That comment you made about the pandemic, how we were "both a regular presence for each other," or something like that--maybe I'm reading too much into that, but your phrasing suggested that maybe I've helped support you through the pandemic as well, in some way? I mean, besides financially. Something in the way you said it. And about how I'm one of the few people who has seemed completely aligned with you in terms of pandemic safety.

And yes, I do wish you were immortal.

Love,
LT

I think this session was one of the best, hopefully next week will work out but right now it feels awkward and short notice if I do get a reply from D (rationally I know it’s enough time, but still…). The tarot reading was an unexpected development, but just seemed to confirm everything is how it should be right now. It felt great, glad I took a photo of it.

I can't believe you actually told me to google my symptoms. Once I told you I had already done that and it came up that I had blood cancer I found it funny that you said "ok, then maybe don't do that." Also why are you telling me to take Excedrin when that stuff has a huge amount of caffeine in it and you know I have severe anxiety issues and a valium addiction?

I like you but I don't always get your suggestions and I am wise enough to not always do what you say.

And $11 a month is a lot for me but I need it so I can't really do without it. You don't tell me I have an annoying personailty the way my transfernce T did. So I don't know why I can't overlook these less strange things you say to me.

I need to take a shower. I feel quite grubby.

That email is an example of why you’re not useful to me as a therapist anymore.

Did you ever listen? I’m skeptical.

L,
I wish I had ypur blessing for tomorrow. And I wish I had your reassurances and encouragement. I'm scared.