[ScarletPimpernel]

Does it help? What's your experience?

I've never really done trauma work. Most the work I've done has been current/present issues, relationship work, CBT, DBT, a little about my mom, and a ton about ex-T.

I'm scared, but also think I'm ready to go deeper with L. It seems to keep coming up. And after a couple of conversations, I'm realizing I made up a pretty little story in my head about my childhood. I went through a lot of neglect, and yet have have trouble identifying with trauma. Like I can't own the word. Similar to how it was hard to own the word "abuse" with H.

So I'm interested in knowing others experience. What is it like. I'm not expecting any details, but details are welcomed!

[Waterbear]

Trauma was a word I couldn't even think, let alone say for the first four years of therapy. Only recently have I been able to associate with it, and think about it, so I think I can relate to where you are at. Same with that word abuse, but I think I'm further away from that one! Sadly I can't help about what trauma work looks like, because I think I am only just starting to scratch the surface. Current T is a trauma therapist though, and so I'm hoping I'll get to find out what it looks like (if you can ever know!?!?) Sorry I can't help more, but I wish you the best with it if it is where you want to go!

[ElectricManatee]

I still have some trouble with the word "trauma" because nearly all of mine was all relational trauma and I feel like none of it was really "bad enough" to "count" (whatever that means!). It's hard to get a handle on how bad something was when your brain tells you that it wasn't that bad and/or that you deserved it. It has been useful for me to see how my T reacts to the whole story and how my friends have reacted to select details that I have shared. It's validating.

I do think trauma therapy is helpful, although it's haaard. Really getting into those core issues can hurt in surprising ways. EMDR has been useful for me to turn down the temperature on some emotions/memories/reactions so I can talk about them more easily without losing my balance too much, but I don't think it's necessary for everybody.

I know exactly what you mean about how certain things keep coming up. Sometimes it's like the work has a mind of its own. For me that's often a sign that I'm ready to go there and that the thing will just keep coming back if I try to push it aside. But it's absolutely up to you to figure out where you want to go and when and how quickly.

[zoiecat]

I dissociate when my therapist uses any of the trauma terms of abuse, neglect, molested, etc. I desvribe it as hell, crap, etc.
My T is a trauma specialist that I have been seeing for approximately 5 years and doing EMDR most of the time. I know it us a long time but he sats that the more trauma you have lived through, the more you have to work through. I also have DID which complicates things as well and requires us to go very slow.
I have made alot of improvement though. I would say this is equally due to ENDR and daily mindfulness practice.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I feel/felt that my relationship with my dad wasn't "that bad". He was at least loving to me when I got his attention unlike my mom who hated me. But then L said something that just tore my heart apart, not because she was mean or even wrong, but because it's was the truth:

Trigger (Nothing graphic; just neglect and sad):

Possible trigger:

I used to play under my dad's desk in his office when I was little. It would be one of my safe spaces to escape my mom because she wasn't allowed in there. I just had to be quiet. He gave me some left over computer parts, and I pretended to build things like he did. This is/was one of my happy memories from childhood. And then the other week, L said she felt sad for me when talking about this. She said I was just a little girl and I was so desperate for any love and attention that I was just satisfied being in my dad's presence. And that I deserved more. I deserved to be played with and hugged and encouraged. We both started crying at that realization.

[Favorite Jeans]

IDK how I feel about this SP. That actually sounds like a lovely memory to me. If there was never any hugging or kindness or warmth, that’s an issue. But children do not necessarily need their parents to play with them. They do need love, affection, encouragement and safety.

Playing quietly in a safe, cozy space in the presence of your parent while they are working is beautiful. It is how any adult with little children gets anything done without additional childcare or a screen. It is quality imaginative play for the child and they have the security of knowing their attachment person is right there.

To this day, one of my favourite things is to work quietly alongside someone I love while that person is engaged in their own activity. This is an introvert’s idea of bliss (and maybe an extrovert’s idea of hell, IDK, maybe L is an extrovert?)

I know your question is about trauma work. I think its really important in exploring a traumatic childhood not to undermine the lovely parts if there were any. The peaceful moments of quiet connection are just as much a part of you as the pain and missed connections.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with you FJ that it is still a lovely memory. However, that's like the best memory I have. That's the most attention I got. Maybe it's difficult for others to see how this is actually sad because I don't actually post about the rest of my childhood. You don't know the full story.

I also feel your post minimizes my experience. Again, probably because you don't know all the details. I'm not saying that was your intention. I know from reading your other post that you're very supportive and have good intentions, and yet I still feel that.

I think what L did, giving me a different perspective, was appropriate. I don't have to own her perspective, but what she said was true. It was a good memory AND it is also sad. I don't think she was trying to ruin my memory just as I don't think you were trying to minimize my experience.

Also, we were not intentionally exploring that memory. We also weren't trying to do trauma work. It just came up. I forget how or why.

[Favorite Jeans]

You’re right I don’t know the context and it was 100% not my intention to undermine you or negate your experience. I apologize that it came across that way.

I was perhaps reacting to a present day culture of over-parenting children where the type of play you described is actually quite rare. There’s this idea that children need constant attention, with the advent of the use of “parent” as verb has come a notion that children are somehow feral or neglected when given space or independence.

My reaction, while a fair observation in general, may have been wholly irrelevant to your story. I’m sorry if it was.

At any rate I agree that trauma is a lot about what didn’t happen, all the unmet needs, perhaps even more than about what did happen. Trauma isn’t just about events.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

At any rate I agree that trauma is a lot about what didn’t happen, all the unmet needs, perhaps even more than about what did happen. Trauma isn’t just about events.

Just wanted to reply to this part, as it resonated with me. My T said a while ago how my having anxiety and OCD since I was a young child--and not getting support from my parents for handling it--in itself can be a form of trauma. Along with not getting my emotional needs met in general. And that was a very important and validating statement for me. As I tended to think trauma had to be event-based, and there were some events, but nothing that seemed enough to explain some of how I react to things and people (both ex-T and current T have said I seemed to react like someone with childhood trauma).

Anyway, don't want to derail the thread, but just wanted to comment on that.

[ElectricManatee]

I purposely try not to play with my kids because a) I don't genuinely enjoy it, and b) I think my influence can often derail whatever story they are developing or skill they are working on through play. But I do enjoy sitting and watching them play, and we have predictable times throughout the day when they get my full attention (meal times, bedtime routine, conversations on the way home from daycare, etc). I read a book about romantic relationships once that said that couples need contact (like the parallel play thing where you are together but not focused on each other), separateness (what it sounds like), and merger (times of really intense, focused attention). I think kids need the same things in varying proportions based on their developmental stage. Getting just one or two isn't enough to nurture them.

Also the notion that Scarlet needed a safe space away from one of her parents makes me sad. No kid should have to feel that way. So there are charming, cute elements to that story but also really sad ones. It's a both/and thing.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with you FJ and LT. Trauma isn't just about events. Like you LT, I don't really have events. There wasn't any CSA and there was barely any physical abuse. Even the neglect isn't what most people think of as neglect: I was raised middle-class, nice houses, good clothes, had toys, had pets, etc. From the outside, we looked like the perfect happy family. But that wasn't the whole story.

[Rive.]

Absolutely - trauma is also about what should have happened but didn't. That could be as damaging (more damaging?) than a traumatic event..

In terms of trauma work, having a skilled T (i.e. kind, compassionate *and* who knows what they are doing) makes a critical difference, Otherwise, there could be more harm done than good. And we end up re-traumatised.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Does it help? What's your experience?

I've never really done trauma work. Most the work I've done has been current/present issues, relationship work, CBT, DBT, a little about my mom, and a ton about ex-T.

I'm scared, but also think I'm ready to go deeper with L. It seems to keep coming up. And after a couple of conversations, I'm realizing I made up a pretty little story in my head about my childhood. I went through a lot of neglect, and yet have have trouble identifying with trauma. Like I can't own the word. Similar to how it was hard to own the word "abuse" with H.

So I'm interested in knowing others experience. What is it like. I'm not expecting any details, but details are welcomed!

trauma work doesnt have to be painful or a certain/ specific way.

examples -

some people do their best trauma work through the arts - painting, sculpting, drawing, writing, collage and others.

some people prefer sitting with their therapist and just telling the therapist about the trauma like having a witness hear your story.

some people use a specific goal-oriented therapy where you not only tell about/ talk about the trauma you set goals of what you want to do about that trauma to make it so that you can leave the trauma behind and go on with your life without it affecting you and your life any longer.

how does it feel to do trauma work? that depends upon you, your own responses and what you choose to do for trauma work. talk with your therapist and they can tell you what types of trauma work they can do with you and then you can decide if you would like to do that.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I did have actual trauma events - multiple ones. I went into therapy knowing those events were the root of pretty much all of my issues with depression, anxiety, lack of confidence, etc., so we worked through those events regularly from the get go.

The work was intentionally slow. My therapists knew I had serious PTSD and dissociated during the trauma as a protective instinct, and that instinct kicked in when approaching those trauma events in therapy.

My last therapist did not want to just delve willy-nilly into those events and risk retraumatizing me -- a problem, he said, with some therapists' approach to trauma where they just keep pressing a client through memory without much purpose other than exploring those memories.

What ended up being most effective for me was a very selective approach to those events. Generally how we approached those events was from starting with whatever was going on in my present. If, for instance, I reacted intensely to a current situation - more intensely than that situation really warranted - that was an indication that I really was reacting that intensely because of some connection I was making to something much older and not really in my present awareness. That would be where we would work backwards through my emotions to my thoughts that triggered those emotions and continuing backward until I could see where my core beliefs - often quite mistaken due to trauma - were creating my hyper-reaction to my current situation. That's where we would explore the trauma, but in a very specific and limited way just to explore the connection in that moment. The dives into those events were short and specific and carefully planned. He was extremely careful to only do this in small bites and to constantly work with me to not dissociate in the process.

It took a decade to work through the trauma events and finally be able to reach a place where I can truly say they hold very little power over me anymore. I can think about those events now without them creating much anxiety in me because those memories and those traumas finally lost that power.

While I still hold a PTSD diagnosis, and at times I am reminded that PTSD is still there, it is not a constant issue for me anymore. It just comes up occasionally, and I know what I need to do to work through it without it taking hold again.

Working through and beyond the trauma was what healed me, and the skills I learned for safe self-regulation of my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in the process are what continue to allow me to manage quite well and with stability even when new stresses and traumas arise in my life.

[Waterbear]

Just throwing this out there, and throw it away if you like, but is neglect trauma? The definition of the word is "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.". This is a question, not me saying one way or the other. My take on it is how it felt at the time. Neglect is incredibly damaging, no doubt about that, but is it 'trauma'?

[Waterbear]

I should edit that to say that I was emotionally neglected as a child, but it wasn't traumatic for me. Certainly not in the early years. I didn't know any different. It just always was how it was. I guess it became traumatic in later years though, for other reasons. I get hung up on the definition of words, but please don't think I'm saying that neglect is any worse than any other thing, if that makes sense. I just like to be able to define things

[CANDC]

@ScarletPimpernel - good question. I think the answer is different for every person and according to the stage of healing they are at.

At some point it seems more fruitful when exhausting all the other methods to simply say okay let me live more in this moment as much as I am able. It is not easy, but constant focusing on the past only seems to have a limited value to me. I deal with things as they come up but then get back to living life in this moment. If I have to choose to ruminate on the past or do dishes, I pick dishes. I always feel better after having washed the dishes. @CANDC
PS
I always let them air dry, I am not a masochist

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Just throwing this out there, and throw it away if you like, but is neglect trauma? The definition of the word is "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.". This is a question, not me saying one way or the other. My take on it is how it felt at the time. Neglect is incredibly damaging, no doubt about that, but is it 'trauma'?

Being a child who is not free to leave the care of people who are neglecting you would indeed be a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Kids have a lot of needs and are generally pretty helpless. The very process of being neglected often distorts the kid's worldview so that they don't clearly understand how distressing it is. That can be a survival mechanism and can make it difficult to dig out from the aftereffects.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I should edit that to say that I was emotionally neglected as a child, but it wasn't traumatic for me. Certainly not in the early years. I didn't know any different. It just always was how it was. I guess it became traumatic in later years though, for other reasons. I get hung up on the definition of words, but please don't think I'm saying that neglect is any worse than any other thing, if that makes sense. I just like to be able to define things

As a child, I didn't know what neglect was. I didn't know any of the mental health words: trauma, depression, anxiety, even fear. I had no feeling words outside of happy, sad, and mad. And yet it was neglect and I was afraid, suffered from depression and anxiety. But as a child, everything seemed normal. It just was. I didn't know any different. And yet there were signs that I was being affected: mother-figures as early as 5 years old, hiding, avoiding my mother at all costs, no friends, attachments to objects, etc. In my teens there was the depression, the SH, the SI, I preferred my female teachers over my friends, struggling with at home work, struggling with concentrating in classes, etc.

My point is just because you don't know when you're a child, doesn't mean it's not affecting you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Just throwing this out there, and throw it away if you like, but is neglect trauma? The definition of the word is "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.". This is a question, not me saying one way or the other. My take on it is how it felt at the time. Neglect is incredibly damaging, no doubt about that, but is it 'trauma'?

I'll throw it back to ya! Neglect is emotional starvation.

[Waterbear]

This is interesting, and probably says a lot about me, because I have only recently come to realise that CSA that happened to me was traumatic. I would have refuted that for years, despite being held hostage and suffering that. How can I then see emotional neglect as traumatic, when I can't even see the above as such.

Having done some digging, it does appear that the general consensus is that neglect is considered a form of complax trauma, so I stand corrected on the use of the word.

Please note that not for one minute was I suggesting that neglect isn't insanely damaging, incredibly difficult, then and now. Not for one minute was I suggesting that it isn't 'as bad as trauma' or anything like that. Not for one minute was I suggesting that neglect doesn't take a huge amount of effort to overcome. I was just doubting the word trauma was the right word given the dictionary definition. But like I say, that probably says more about my inability to accept my life was traumatic than anything else!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I understand. That's why I have problems owning the word "trauma" for myself. I'm slowly starting to accept it. Normally, I'll minimize my past or make excuses for my parents: they were busy, they had their own childhood abuse, they did the best they could, it could be worse, etc.

Trauma is a hard word and concept to grasp, at least for me.

[Waterbear]

I think accepting the word means you have to face the feelings. Which when they are new can be totally overwhelming. Like you, never taught them, never understood them. Never felt then until K showed me how, taught me what they were. Take it slowly. You sound like you have a good T to work with here and I truly hope you can find a way. Sorry for derailing a little, I'm intrigued to hear more wha others have to say about trauma work....

[Favorite Jeans]

For me trauma work has been very body-focused, the idea being that we hold feelings in our bodies, often in unconscious ways. You actually don’t have to talk about traumatic events for this to be useful. It’s a kind of embodied mindfulness.

Like you might learn to notice that you go in and out of states of freeze or panic (for eg) at various times in an ordinary week and then learn to “be with” those feelings or states rather than just have them happen to you. It takes practice.

Re: the earlier question of whether neglect is trauma, I think traditional psychiatry made little of the need for attachment and attunement in the developing human. The definition of trauma was based on men returning from war. But we’re starting to see that differently. Also for people who are wired to be more sensitive, non-attachment is more devastating than for the majority of the population.

[susannahsays]

I hate trauma work. It hurts. Has been useful to me but it kinda sucks.