Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

So sorry, Velcro...

I've been there in my own therapy relationship.


Please be gentle with yourself.

Dear Velcro, I'm so glad that you got an email from your T! My T has done similar things like forgetting to push send on a text! I'm glad that everything sounds like it is okay! I've totally been in your shoes where I have caused myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety. HUGS Kit

Thank you, Lost. I realized that between 45 hours of work and 18+ hours of volunteering, I have over-committed myself this week. So yeah, a bit of self care is definitely needed! HUG Kit

Last year my hair stylist talked me into putting blonde highlights in my hair. Well now it's like my hair is almost all blonde. Uh, no. So I am going to dye it back to brown.

Wow, this is so hard. I can’t even imagine. What took so long to test him?
I hope you are feeling better! I’ve never had a migraine. I hate regular headaches!
It is so hard, as evidenced by my two week agonizing in here over my relationship w my T. Sorry for all the whining everyone.
Ugh. I have no words for this.
Thanks, Kit!

Ugh, it's not fair for it to all be on you...I'm sorry.

That seems like a very sweet and supportive reply from your T. Did it feel helpful to you? Also, it's good you're taking tomorrow off.

I'm so glad to hear this! Especially for her to let you know before your session. Try not to hate yourself too much... Did she end up sending you what her response would have been?

And my T accidentally deleted one of my emails earlier this year. He was glad when I followed up about it. (Though I asked, "Would you have sent something had I not followed up?" And he said probably not...)

I hope it goes well tomorrow.

Thanks LT. She gave me the "gist" of what she wrote. But she said the exact things I needed to hear. I just wish I could trust her words more. She has told me about a billion times that I am not too much and not a burden, and yet...

I get it. I periodically need my T to confirm that I'm not "too much" for him. It can just be so difficult to believe and accept it, presumably in part from childhood messages we have in our heads (I know that's partly where mine comes from, at least). I hope you'll be able to talk about some of it with her.

I worry about the same thing with L: being too much, being a burden. L is always reassuring me I'm not. She says that people are not burdens. People who think others are burden are actually the ones with poor boundaries. Especially therapists. It's up to the therapist to make sure their "****" is in order.

You're not a burden, Velcro. You're a person with needs.

That's so unfair to you, Scarlet. If you then have a child, do you think he'll step up to actually be a decent parent? His attitude does point to the high possibility (in my opinion) that he's not enthusiastic to have a child.

Maybe he thinks his share of parenting is just going to be the "fun Dad" who isn't interested in the daily work that goes on in reality? If so... it's probably best to find out early.

So sorry Scarlet. I don't want for you to later essentially be a almost single parent, where he just "babysits" on occasion.

I like what L said about that. I suspect maybe that's part of why I haven't become a burden with Dr. T--because he knows his own boundaries and is generally clear about setting and holding them. So it's like if he let me get to the point of being what he considered a burden, it would be his fault for not setting boundaries. Same with L, or with your T, Velcro.

We (I) tried to get pregnant 4-5 years ago? I was on Clomid for 9 months. Then when that didn't work, we started at a fertility clinic, but we didn't continue due to finances. We have never used birth control either.

When I was seeing ex-pdoc, she had me do a homework assignment seeing if I was prepared to have a baby. In it was the strengths and weaknesses that H and I each would experience if we became parents. We all realized after (and even before) that if we became parents, I'd basically be a single mom. My treatment team and I very confident I could do that.

I was hoping with my nieces, H would come around to liking children. H sort of did. He has a connection with my middle 3 year old niece. They just click. He even said he'd adopt her if it ever came to that. So I was hopeful. He also said for us he'd want a little girl, and he would want to teach her sports and be a coach. Again I was hopeful.

But now when I talk to him, he's not against having a child, but he just doesn't seem interested. He says he's fine if we don't. He says he's not good with kids anyways.

I don't know. Right now, it's not going to happen.

Thanks, Scarlet. It is SO hard to believe. Maybe if I get brave enough tonight to tell her how anxious i have been, she will also reassure me that she can take care of herself.
Thanks LT.

Sigh, so I asked Dr. T about his schedule the next month because he'd said it would be a "bit weird" and I need to make a couple appointments. He said first that he's going to have to meet virtually a couple times the first week of August--"for non-pandemic related reasons" (I get the sense maybe he's having work done on his house or something because he said he has to be at home that string of days.) And then he'll be away (well, or at least not working) the whole following week except for Friday (he said he'd ask R if she could meet with me one day).

Next week is already a bit weird because he's out Friday, though he was able to schedule me for Sun./Tues./Thurs. Plus I'll be away most of a week in late August. Then, he usually takes a 5- or 6-day trip (for a particular event) that's partly over Labor Day weekend, too, though I haven't asked if he's doing that this year. D's next school year starts that week, too.

So the next 6 weeks or so are going to be very inconsistent. I really appreciate that he's trying to still meet with me as much as he can work into his schedule. And I'd certainly prefer meeting with him virtually than him canceling entirely. (And the one week is my doing, not his, plus I'll likely still meet with him once virtually then.) But I do like some sort of consistency in my therapy. So it's hard.

Trigger warning for health concerns, cancer, etc.:



We went onto other topics for a good chunk of the session, then in the end I circled back around and said how I hated that my mind went to stuff like being concerned about his health, not just with him, but like worrying about D's future, stuff with H, what could happen with the pandemic, etc. That I wish I could just appreciate the here and now more, like appreciate my time with people, say, instead of worrying what could happen to end it. Or appreciate a concert or restaurant without thinking in the back of my mind "Will this be my last chance to do this before a worse Covid wave hits?"

He said it sounds like mindfulness, and I said yes. And we talked about that briefly, and he mentioned a mantra that his friend uses (I forget the exact wording, something with appreciating the now). I asked if maybe she was just the optimistic type, and he said no, that's why she uses the mantra. But that something like that also doesn't work if you feel it's a lie--you have to believe it. It was right at the end of session, so I said it was something I wanted to discuss more, like maybe how to incorporate something like that for myself.

OK, that was much longer than I'd intended! But I think this was an example of taking something going on regarding him and seeing how it connects with patterns in my outside life and what I want/don't want there. Rather than just being about the therapeutic relationship. (Perhaps I should have put this in In Session Today instead, but oh well.)

Another blow: I can't see L next week on my birthday. And H will be working part-time at least on that day. I don't want a birthday. Why would I want to celebrate my birth when all I want right now is to die? And no, I don't want to die just because I can't see L on my birthday. Not being able to see L is just more bad news on top of everything else.

I'm so sorry Scarlet... I understand how things add up like that, how it's not just about seeing L that day. Is there any sort of thing you can do for yourself that day? Even something really small?

Hugs to you.

TW for cancer and death

I'm sorry couchies for all my depressing things. I have no other support besides you all and L.

And again, more bad news: we tried to settle out of court with the previous apartments. We offered $250 a month. They want $650. So they're still taking us to court... at the end of August.

Thanks, it helps that you get it and also that you talked about it with her. And that is sweet what she said.

Even though I felt awkward and embarrassed about bringing it up today, I'm kind of glad now that I did. I think it helped to get it out there. In part because he did say that if there was something going on (health or otherwise) that he thought would affect our sessions more regularly, he would let me know. So that was reassuring.

Hugs, Scarlet--it's OK, share away. I'm really sorry you're struggling so much lately. And I'm glad you feel you can get support here.

And that's a lot of money...would you possibly be able to find some legal support through, say, Legal Aid or an attorney doing pro bono work (aka free of charge)?

LT, given what happened to my mother this spring, when someone you love suddenly gets sick or hurt, odds are it’s going to be in some way you never anticipated, or it’s going to be when you don’t anticipate it.

I don’t know what I’m going for here, I doubt that’s comforting.

Well I had a good session with my T tonight. I could not in any way even hint at my anxiety the past two weeks, though. I thought about emailing it to her, but even that is way too vulnerable for me. 😢

I think I do understand what you're trying to get at. That it's probably pointless to worry about certain bad things that could happen because, chances are, it won't be one of those things. And even if you *did* pick the "right" thing to worry about, then you probably couldn't do much about it anyway. And you wasted the time and energy worrying, when you could have spent that time, say, appreciating what you had with the person. Or doing pretty much any other thing besides worrying.

I think some of this for me is my OCD. Where if I worry about a specific thing--and state that worry someplace, or maybe just to myself--it feels almost protective against that thing. (Whereas if I say, "Oh, I'm sure everything will be fine," then it's like I'm jinxing things.) Magical thinking, basically. But I also can't worry about every single thing that could happen to someone, because the list is infinitesimal.

I think it would help me if I could sort of come to accept that I can't control everything that happens. That bad things are going to happen to people I love and care about and to me. That all I know for sure about is this moment I have right now. And to find some sort of peace in that, or at least a level of acceptance.