Wanting your T

Hi All,

So I started talking about this on the couch but then I thought I would post it in it's own post.

Today I have these feelings of wanting my T. Not in a romantic way or anything. Just wanting to talk to her, wanting to see her (on Zoom--we don't meet in person), wanting to hear her voice, just wanting her. Wanting that connection, that closeness, that particular brand of comfort that only she can bring.

Of course, I was fighting these feelings because wants are bad, right?!! At least, that is what I was taught. But I realized that there are some positives in the wanting. It means that I am trusting her. That I believe she is trustworthy. That she is safe. That she is comforting. It's a deepening of our relationship. This is a positive thing.

I took an interesting step and texted her and tried to communicate this *want* to her. I don't know that I did a good job. I think I am doing a better job here, but I am not so limited in space. It's weird to tell my T stuff like, "I am wanting to talk to you today," and "I am finding comfort in knowing that we will talk tomorrow."

It is strange to think of myself as a person with wants. Because wanting "stuff" emotional or otherwise was always frowned upon when I was a child. So it's hard to allow myself space for that. To acknowledge that all people have wants and needs and that it is perfectly okay...well I'm trying to get to that step. Because of course, it doesn't feel okay.

I'm not even in crisis at this moment, so I don't know what is driving these feelings of want. It's baffling.

Anyone relate?

By the way....this feeling is uncomfortable.

Hi Kit,

What jumps out at me from your post is the last line: 'I'm not even in crisis at the moment, so I don't know what is driving this feeling of want.'

You don't have to answer here, but I'd invite you to think about what you've just said. Do you feel like you have to be in crisis to have wants and needs?

As uncomfortable as this feeling is, I think it shows that you are becoming more secure with your T...and that's something to celebrate.

My feeling is that there might be a useful discussion in starting your next session with a conversation about this. 'I wasn't allowed to want or need things as a child, so I find it difficult to admit that I want your support...'

You can of course modify that according to what you feel would be most helpful.

The discomfort is evident in the fact that you've made this post. I hope that you can get to a place of being able to validate your own feelings and needs...but I know how difficult that journey is.

HUGS,

Lost

Thank you Lost, for your reply. You have, like usual, given me encouragement and something to think about. I did use your words in a second text to my T, the part about not being allowed wants or needs as a child and finding it difficult to admit that I want her support.

BTW, she texted and said she would reach out to me later...don't know why this makes me anxious as connection with her is what I wanted?!! But maybe it's that weird push/pull things with relationships. I get vulnerable and then I freak out that I am vulnerable.

Yes, I do think that I need to be in crisis to have wants and needs.

trigger (sh)


I do think that there is some good stuff to talk about in therapy here somewhere. Do I know how to actually do that? Probably not. But we'll see.

Thanks for your lovely reply. HUGS Kit

You're very welcome, Kit.

I care about you.
Perhaps you could start by telling your T that you feel you need to talk about something (this) but don't know how?

Yes, the "want" is excellent material for therapy, I believe. I am pretty sure I've had the same feeling about my therapist...I call it "longing." It's bittersweet. The feeling of trust and comfort is lovely, in a certain way. But the other part, and I'm not sure myself what "that part" is (I'm still trying to figure it out) is miserable. Painful, even.

Thanks, Beth.

Yes, there does seem to be another part to the want (or longing). And it is kind of painful. I don't know what it is either. I'm trying to decide if these are real feelings, or transference, or something else. I've had therapists before, but the only other one I felt this way about was my former T--who was lovely. And I haven't seen her in years. I miss her though. I never did work through these feelings with that T so I don't want to miss the opportunity with this T. But it's hard to work on something that I don't really have words for......

My T replied:

"I understand. But guess what? I have wants and needs as well...Not all of them healthy...and I love to feel wanted/needed by my clients!! So it's a win-win."

I have no idea how I feel about my T's response.

I think that was not the response I was expecting. I guess I wanted something comforting. That's why I hate wants. It just leads to disappointment.

Not going to tell T *that* though.

Hmm, she really has some off the wall responses to you, sometimes. I wouldn’t know what to think either! So, is she telling you your wants are “unhealthy?” But then she goes on to say it is a “win-win” situation. Confusing!

In regards to your original post, I feel ya. I also think it is perfectly ok and normal to have wants and needs, especially emotionally. I say this as a person who is very slowly and begrudgingly admitting I have them too!

It is difficult to 'learn' - and sometimes even accept - that it is okay to have wants and needs and that these should have been valued and respected by our caregivers. And more so, to have been supported in achieving these wants/needs.

Unfortunately, growing up in environments where there was no secure attachment or modeling, we think we need to go it alone or that needs/wants are 'wrong' or that we need to be desperate before 'indulging' in such feelings and so on.

It does seem that you feel safe enough with her and are learning that it is okay to have wants and you do not have to be in crisis to express these. I would go further to say that expressing wants/needs when *not* in crisis may serve as a protective factor to warding off potential crises. I also personally believe that vulnerability shows strength, so it was brave of you to say it to T.

Good gracious at her response though!

I get that she was trying to be helpful but... what. the. heck.

It's okay if her response didn't hit the right spot. And you can tell her that without dismissing her efforts. Part of what I learned from L is that not only are big wants, needs, and feelings are okay, but so is asking for them. And I'm still learning how to be more specific. For example: lately I've been wanting soothing. I thought I was being pretty descriptive until L let me know that "soothing" doesn't actually give a specific need... Oye! So were working on what need needs to be met for me to feel soothed. It's a process, but a good process. The more you can practice with your T, the better you'll be able to get your needs met from others as well.

I know it's scary working with feelings (and wants and needs) at first. Well, it's still scary for me. But overtime it is getting easier. I'm trusting L more and more and am learning that she can accept "all my multitudes".

You're doing great, Kit. This is where some major healing can happen. It's not easy, but the reward is that some of your wants and needs will finally be met.

Others have already made lots of good comments, but I still wanted to jump in.

I know the feeling you describe. There's nothing bad happening or wrong, yet sometimes I want to just talk to my T and connect. I agree with you that it's actually a positive thing, although it is uncomfortable.

I mainly just want to reassure you though that wants are not something bad, they are part of what makes you yourself and something to care about. I'm not saying do whatever you want at all times, wants can certainly be bad (for example wanting to eat 5 cheeseburgers or never do chores), but I think it's good to be mindful of your wants and try to satisfy them whenever healthy and possible. For example, wanting to eat 5 cheeseburgers is probably too much, but if you really want a cheeseburger, giving in to that want from time to time is something that can bring happiness and means you care about yourself. As long as nobody gets hurt, wants are a perfectly fine thing that inform you on what might be good for you.

I agree that it can be good to tell her if the response wasn't what you were looking for. It can help with future responses. I've found it's helpful to be specific with my T if emailing, too. Like I might say, "I could use some words of support right now" if I just want, well, support, or "Any suggestions on how to handle this?" if I want more practical advice about something.

And you make a good point how if you work on asking for what you need from T, it can help you get your needs met in your outside life, too.

I find it can also be helpful to say you want something while admitting you know you can't get it. Like saying to your T "I really wish I could talk to you right now, but I know I can't." Which is basically what you did, Kit, in saying you're taking comfort in talking to her tomorrow. As then it doesn't sound like you're hoping she can call you that night, say.

Wanted to say that I'm puzzled by this response, too. I think it would have been much better without the "not all of them healthy" part. It seems she's trying to tell you the need is OK (and meets a need in her). But I don't think that was what you were trying to get from her, right?

I'm puzzled by her response Hugs to you Kit

Thank you all for the responses. I am certainly going to work on asking more directly for what I need. Although I really did not need anything specifically from T yesterday. I just wanted to tell her how I was feeling. Her response wasn't helpful but that's okay.

Working on accepting needs and wants in myself is going to take time. But it's a process.

On a different note,

T texted me several times last night (I was sleeping). Apparently she got in a minor car accident...minor as in she thinks she ran over a big rock...and while she is okay, her car is not. So she needs to get a rental car and take her car in and so forth and so on. So she doesn't think she can make my appointment tonight at 6 PM. She kind of said, maybe she could talk later than 6 PM, then she said maybe we could do Thursday at 5 PM (I can't do that, as it interferes with Aftercare). Then she said she couldn't do Thursday at 5 afterall. Then she said maybe this weekend. Etc. Etc. Three texts full of all this random information without a set time when she could actually make our appointment.

I'm just kind of like, whatever at this point. I did not have a good morning, emotionally, and did some behavior that I am trying to stop. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have no idea when I will actually be able to talk her her now. So that's not great. I would prefer having an actual time when we can meet. But she'll get her schedule sorted sooner or later and then hopefully let me know.

I'm so sorry she's messing you around, Kit. It can't be helped, obviously...but it still sucks.

I think the first part of her response was an attempt to normalise what you'd expressed, but she could have accomplished that without the 'unhealthy' part.

I've had similar conversations with R about asking for things in the past...and now I can mostly look at her whilst I'm doing so.

'You can use this space to practice' is what she always likes to remind me.

Thanks Lost.

Y'know it is strange because yesterday when I was texting her and saying how I was looking forward to talking with her today, I almost did not send that part because I was like, something is going to come up. And sure enough.....it did. Of course it can't be helped. It's just not great timing.

I like that, "You can use this space to practice." That's good. Hopefully I remember it.

I think this is an incredibly honest response by the therapist. One of the few I have ever heard or seen.

I know you are very religious and I am absolutely not - but are you sure your church and the people there are helping you or are they still telling you wants are bad?

Thanks stopdog

I think that my Church is kind of on the wants are bad side...unless what you want is to be very self sacrificing. So wanting or needing something/someone is opposite of that. Definitely a set of messages that I have to deal with in order to get somewhere on this.