Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T, I miss you

Yeah. 22 months since we last met.

Dear T,

Well I guess that will give us something to talk about when we next meet!

Roll on tomorrow and home time..

Dear T,
And Christmas Day at my parents' survived. Lots to talk about with you.
Love,
LT

The guilt 'mini-break' (as opposed to trip) that has ensued since my last meeting with Alan is quite something.

I feel as though I have done something terrible.

L, I hope you had a lovely Christmas. I didn't email you today, despite wanting to. I've been sad all afternoon and just getting sadder as the sun has gone down. I am missing you (ahem pardon me 'the you that I thought I knew'), missing my family back home... seeing my friends facebook posts today with everyone together unwrapping gifts and sharing a big meal together makes my heart ache with longing. Thankfully this really only happens to this extent at Christmastime so I can be grateful for that. And that we had a zoom call earlier with all of us on there, including my brother so that was good. I'm grateful as well that I got to talk to my son today. Gotta up the gratitude it's the only way to get myself out of this.

Damn it, I hate it that the missing you has come back today!!!!!!!! I wish like the dickens that there was some antidote for this ********. "It's a relationship" you said. Well what the **** am I supposed to do with that when I feel like this?!?!?! I need to get over this already. ****.

Hi E: This has been a hard weekend, but thank you for encouraging me to email you. I am also glad you will be back next week, especially since T won’t be back until January.

Dear T,
I really want to talk to you. More so, I really want to be in the therapy space with you. So I can feel safe and secure.
I’d like to ask you if I am manipulative towards you by always asking for reassurance/attention and the emails. This is coming up because of how my bio mother treats me, which as you know, has recently resurfaced.
I hope you’re having a good holiday, though I wish you weren’t having a holiday.

Dear T,

I really hope you are having a good Christmas with your family. I really hope the holidays go fast though. I am starting to miss you so much. I guess because you had a family emergency before the holidays. It makes the holiday seem so much longer. Thank you for your support and help. Being able to go back face to face has really helped me to feel safe in therapy again.
Hugs
Taylor27

You told me to get bread and in 6 days I've gone through one loaf of bread and half a bag of pretzel rolls. I guess overall my food quality is kinda better but the quantity still needs to be worked on.

Dear T,
I hope what you said is right.

Love,
LT

I'm worried. I knew something was off. He's going to grow up and become like me, if we (not you) don't find a way to support them. I guess "we" mainly means me...

If I'm counting sleeps already, I am not sure that is a good sign. See you soonish.

I heard the song Every Rose Has Its Thorns, today. I don't know why I can't feel things about anyone else. Like what even is love anymore. I seem to use music as my way to feel emotions about people and other stuff from my past. I mean, I don't think its a real unhealthy coping skill. I just should actually talk about this.

The griefquake happened whilst I was watching that lovely film.
See you soonish.

I'm too physically worn out to dwell or think about my transfernce T today. I've thought about my current therapist once or twice though.

But I am switching from bread to rice. She had suggested grains before and I've eaten a lot of bread lately. So I hope shes happy

I'm ****ing sick and tired of using the skills you've been teaching me. I'm sick of it. I don't deserve anything good. I AM BAD. I don't feel love. I don't feel loved. I can't do anything I enjoy because I'm broke and anxious and lazy. So, yeah, give up on me. Please don't. I need help. But I don't want help. I dont' know. Help me.

Dear T,
I'm so incredibly sad right now. H's mom watched D all day and had a rough time and now is pulling out of the New Year's Eve arrangement. I just wanted to go out for New Year's Eve for the first time in 3 years, to feel normal for a little bit.

I'm hoping maybe she'd be willing to watch her for a few hours rather than overnight, so we can at least go to dinner. I don't know why this is crushing me so much. I just keep thinking if she was NT, this wouldn't have happened... I just want a normal celebratory night out with my H. I understand where maybe she wouldn't want to deal with her, but we do that all the time.

I feel so selfish right now. I probably sound horrible. But I just want a little time.... There have been so many rough years--I know it's only been a few, but it feels like it's been so long..., I just want to have the hope that maybe 2023 will be sort of OK? Maybe that's what this is partly about... I mean, going out to dinner is so minor in the grand scheme of things, but I think it's the symbolism. For H and I to just spend the night together, ourselves.

Maybe she'll come around and be able to watch her for a couple hours at least. I wish she hadn't watched her today and could have just done NYE, but she offered today, so we took it. Maybe that was a mistake. Just struggling...

Love,
LT

No LT, you don't sound selfish, not at all. You deserve a night off, or longer, even. And your marriage deserves it, too. I'm so sorry. Hugs if wanted...

And I wrote yet another letter. If I keep this up, we can spend the first few hours of 2023 reading.

Thanks, AliceKate. I appreciate your comments and the hugs.

I feel like I'm taking life one deep breath at a time.

Dear T,
I should have gone with a Bloomin' Onion! That's where we can go from the center of the onion. Better than an onion plant. Though, hm, the deep-frying part doesn't seem like such a good part of the metaphor. Never mind!

Love,
LT

(I know I don't have the context LT but... I used to feel deep-fried after sessions sometimes...so there's that...)

I hate late afternoon sessions. They interrupt my whole day. At least tommorow is our last late session.